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Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:04:45 AM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Hee hee!  Based on the response to various "how do I spot a Dominant women" and other "how do I (insert Domina stereotype here)" threads, I'm expecting the Red Sea to part and close with great vengeance upon this topic. :-)  Truly though, this thread isn't bait nor is my question as naive as it may initially appear.

Throughout my life, i've had vanilla and kinky partners.  In the romance and sex department, while i don't claim to be an expert, i have learned a thing or two.  As i think more about this though, i realize that when making love to a Dominant woman, i'm somewhat unsure and confused.  Now i realize that every *woman* has her own preferences.  What floats one Domina's boat may not float another's.  However, what i'm asking (which is, in essence, "how does one make love to a Dominant woman") isn't as simple as love making in the vanilla world, where rituals and protocols are fairly well entrenched or at least commonly understood.

There is a natural, organic "dance" that tends to go on between romantic partners.  Amongst vanilla partners, quite often the man leads, but the woman may lead as well.  And indeed, at times, the lead changes back and forth, from one partner to the other.  (My apologies to those in non-heterosexual relationships.  I've not had a lot of experience outside the heterosexual realm so I've written from the perspective I best understand.)

In the Domina and submissive, D/s dynamic, what i might well do with a vanilla partner (such as getting on top without asking... and taking her) could be (and sometimes has been) perceived as topping from the bottom.  On the other hand, if a submissive always waits for the Domina to lead (or asks for permission), this makes for some awfully boring, predictable sex.  To my knowledge, every person likes to feel desired and sometimes, as the giver, in order to get this passion across, one has to act without asking, in the moment.  So how does a submissive do this while still respecting his Domina and the D/s dynamics they share?

Case in point (please pardon the vulgarity here), for those who like this, there are times when nothing quite expresses need and communicates "i love You" like a good, rough, sweaty rogering.  One can't ask their Domina "may i phuck You"?  Hell no.  That totally destroys the moment and the message.  So again, i ask, how does a submissive initiate this (and other kinds of love making) without disrespecting his/her Domina?

I'd also appreciate feedback (if this is possible without invading privacy) from Dominant women, and anyone who cares to answer, about the general dynamics of love making between Dominant and submissive partners.  Are there things you like a submissive to always ask for?  Are there things you prefer a submissive simply initiates on his own?  Do you prefer verbal communication when a person is in doubt or is it acceptable for the submissive to experiment and gauge your reaction?

I appreciate everyone's help.  Thanks,

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 4/21/2008 10:09:54 AM >
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:19:05 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Over the years, Fox has become an amazing lover.

However, regardless of his techniques and skills that he has learned, his greatest tool is his ability to empathize, pay attention, and never let me forgot that he is mine and everything we do is for me and my pleasure.

He does this not just through his words and actions but also his tone of voice and the look in his eyes. He never makes the first touch or the first kiss or the first direct move but he certainly let me know when he's horny by reacting and by placing himself in submission postures that he has learned will turn me on. Of course, a sharp intake of his voice, a "damn you are beautiful Mistress," and a sigh while he looks up from his kneeling position is usually all it takes for me.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:24:05 AM   
TermsConditions


Posts: 446
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		Likely correct answer: There is no correct answer.

In my limited experience with dominant women, intimacy is a "teachable moment." Doing something "wrong" provides an opportunity for correction. Once on top, I found myself on the bottom so hard and so fast it literally made my head spin and knocked the breath out of me; how that was accomplished I still don't know, but I remember. 

Do as you are told until told to do otherwise; that seems like a safe way to proceed. :-)


_____________________________

TnC
Married, Novice Subbish-Type Person
and rider of the Drama Llama.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:29:00 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Fox is very easy to read. When he is excited and interested in being sexual, he gets hard. No mystery there. If he wants sex, he will simply NOT make the effort to hide his arousal. Its a cue, but it is still my decision if we do anything about it or not.
It is definately not predictable or boring.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to TermsConditions)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:39:37 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Ma'am may I phuck you works for me.. *grin* sometimes I'm easy.. and sometimes I just like it like that...

its all a dance though, any kind of seduction is, if its any good -- and there is no better submissive in my life than one who learns how to "seduce the top" as I've be known to call it.

It really is individual and hopefully, whoever you are with will teach you.  I believe its important for any type of relationship to teach your partner what turns you on and how to really please you.

mmm.. thanks for this... reminds me a bit of last night...

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:51:30 AM   
azropedntied


Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline 		Making Love to  a Domme /Mistress  starts early  in the day caring for her need s ,making her breakfast bidding her a good day as you see her off to  work ,complimenting her before she departs.Getting some tasks done around the  home ,meeting her for a nice lunch wearing her special collar proudly and asking if there are any other tasks needed to be done before she gets home .She arrives home and she is welcomed ,her work attire removed , silken robe placed upon her ,her hair is brushed , she is led to the dinner table where everything is all prepared , candle s lit  and we dine .The wine is poured  and we chat about her day , a desert is served , and a warm bath is drawn , oils layed out  and bubbles and bath salts  in place , more candles are lit and her fav music plays .Ma'am is bathed  and powdered ,lightly , her feet then rubbed from her long hard day ,then i await er wishes .hoping i did it correctly and she is pleased .
Or you could just jump on her  and ride her like a pony ..

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:57:59 AM   
ShaktiSama


Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
Case in point (please pardon the vulgarity here), for those who like this, there are times when nothing quite expresses need and communicates "i love You" like a good, rough, sweaty rogering.  One can't ask their Domina "may i phuck You"?  Hell no.


You can't?  Why not? 

I can see your point that it might get old to have the submissive ask every time before initiating some mutually pleasurable activity--one would think that a good lover of any orientation would learn to read his partner relatively quickly!  In the same way he knows when she's tense and needs a massage, in the same way he knows how to make a proper cup of tea or what chores need doing on Tuesday, in the same way he knows by the twist of her smile that she's thinking of something wicked to do to him...he just learns from experience.

During the "get to know ya" phase, I really think that people need to be able to talk, ask, communicate their expectations, desires, hopes and fantasies--as well as their limits and personal quirks.  Do questions break the mood?  I suppose they can.  One of my most common questions with someone I do not know well is very simple:  "Is this working for you?"  Or, if the stimulus is physically or emotionally heavy, "Are you ok?"

Sure, that breaks the mood somewhat--if the mood is based on the idea that I'm a psychobitch torturer and I don't care how the submissive feels--but I have to learn somehow.  Until I have mapped a person's fetishes, limits and responses, I prefer to proceed with caution. I'd rather break a mood than break a person or ruin a relationship.

The same process has to be going on for him with me.  I honestly don't believe I could state any "rule" here that will apply to all D/S relationships between "top" women and their bottoms of any persuasion.  A lot of dominant women enjoy masochistic or even submissive bottoming with a trusted partner, for example--my submissive doesn't have to deal with that in my case because I dislike pain, but if I DID enjoy it?  I would expect service topping at my whim.  Providing me with that pleasure would be how my submissive showed respect to our dynamic--pleasing me is his job, no matter what pleases me.

A lot of dominant women don't have this kind of old-fashioned intercourse with their male submissives at all, and don't miss it in the least--they get their orgasms entirely from strap-on play or worship activities or cuckoldry or what-have-you.   And a lot of women are always the initiating partner, I'm sure.  *shrug*  Point is, when it comes to specifics, I couldn't say anything about what I like from a man that wouldn't elicit an "Ooo, I just HATE when they do that!" from some other domme.  What I find arousing, pleasing, affirming, loving and exciting could easily be a turn-off, annoying, pushy, needy or obnoxious from some other woman's point of view.

I think overall, the answer is pretty simple:  you make love to a dominant however she likes it.

You ask and you study and you obey until you've learned to do it properly.  The D/S dynamic in this situation is in the man's desire to please and the woman's right to dictate the terms of her pleasure.  Every dominant woman's preferred style of lovemaking is going to be different--I think the one commonality is that she'll want the act on her own terms or not at all.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:08:36 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Passionately. Is there any other way?

(in reply to ShaktiSama)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:13:54 AM   
Ostentatious


Posts: 98
Joined: 7/2/2007
Status: offline 		I've only had one domme (lasted about a year or so) and I never had a problem and she didn't even like sex before she met me apparently (big headed grin here)...

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:13:57 AM   
Andjew


Posts: 39
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		Sex and BDSM can be seperate. I like to be aggressive in bed, even though I am submissive. My partner is willing to allow that since she enjoys it rough. It's an extension of my servitude, I am aggressive to please her as much as it pleases myself.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:30:29 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
Case in point (please pardon the vulgarity here), for those who like this, there are times when nothing quite expresses need and communicates "i love You" like a good, rough, sweaty rogering.  One can't ask their Domina "may i phuck You"?  Hell no.  That totally destroys the moment and the message.  So again, i ask, how does a submissive initiate this (and other kinds of love making) without disrespecting his/her Domina?


By knowing her well and what she wants, allows and likes when the desire or situation comes up.  Open discussion and learning gradually by doing, plus a mutual empathy borne of familiarity.

Some would never want the sub to take the sexual lead, some only at certain times or in certain ways, some almost always... just as with vanilla partnerships.

And again as with vanilla partnerships, it comes down to learning your partner and their unique preferences; the body language, speaking patterns, tone of voice, smell of skin, et cetera that indicates different moods, desires and receptiveness to what advances; the things you can do to, for or around them that will stir the same.

quote:


I'd also appreciate feedback (if this is possible without invading privacy) from Dominant women, and anyone who cares to answer, about the general dynamics of love making between Dominant and submissive partners.  Are there things you like a submissive to always ask for?  Are there things you prefer a submissive simply initiates on his own?  Do you prefer verbal communication when a person is in doubt or is it acceptable for the submissive to experiment and gauge your reaction?


From my past relationships where this has applied:

No, there is no one or three things I like them to ask for. 

Yes, there are many things I like them to initiate on their own... just about anything I don't ask/tell I specifically want or don't want.  Whether it's a gentle and worshipful act like a massage or toying with my hair with the tone of sex to dragging me behind a building and throwing me up against a wall, I'm okay with them initiating so long as they take their knowledge of me into account and are focusing on me during whatver the act is.

Experimentation and open discussion are both okay with me. 

I like very active, adventurous, and aggressive lovers no matter what, if any, power dynamic is between us.  I by my nature will take the lead and/or initiate when I want to, which is often, but I get bored if I'm always the one starting things or am the only one trying out or bringing up new ideas or locations.  I always need someone who is going to match me this.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:45:10 AM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		"how do I spot a Dominant women"

Grrr.  Damn bulletin board software.  That should be:

"how do I spot Dominant women"

To everyone who has replied thus far, thank you!  I don't have time (presently) to read the replies, but I'll be back shortly to read and contribute.

Elan.

P.S.  Although it may appear so, I'm not talking to myself. :-)

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 4/21/2008 11:50:51 AM >

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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 11:47:54 AM   
TeachMeTonight


Posts: 67
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline 		I agree that a hard cock is the simplest way to read a submissive man's readiness to be sexual.  Assuming that there is an agreed sexual component to the relationship, that is all the indicator I need to act on things or not, depending on my mood and energy level.  Since my submissive partner does not live with me, most of the time when we have a date some sort of play will be involved, so we both know when we are planning on activity.  It becomes more a matter of my deciding the little things, like rope or no rope :).

_____________________________

Yours in Leather
Teach Me Tonight


(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 2:21:34 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		"Making love to a Domina-how does a sub do this?"
 
In any way she demands you to.
 
Missy.



_____________________________

"Comedy is NOT Pretty!" ~Peter Nelson

But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

http://360.yahoo.com/my_profile-TD4TwEw8crWS3GHFDcs_DK1rHmW6Dq_E;_ylt=Av2PfG9gH0wkQrMPivuMCivGAOJ3

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 6:12:13 PM   
khem


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline 		Great topic and one I have spent a good amount of time thinking about.  I tend to be annoyed by overly sexual behavior when I do not want to see it, yet I don't want to ever doubt that I am desired.  For me, it's more about being told I'm beautiful or that I've done something sexy, etc rather than "Oh look at my raging hard-on Mistress."  I tend not to make too much of a fuss about the actual mechanics of sex once I've initiated it though.  There's S&M play, there's S&M play with sex, and there's just plain good sex.  Any of those options work for me, as long as it's my call.  When it comes to the plain good sex, (perhaps plain isn't the best word) I'm not especially concerned about who's fucking who and who's screaming for more.  

(in reply to brightspot)
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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 7:05:59 PM   
MySweetSubmssive


Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		I would be disappointed if the other person never made the first move.  To be courted, to be advanced upon, to be told that you are sexy and wanted, and yes, even to have the submissive be the aggressor at times, is a necessary thing.

Is that not a dominant thing?  Ask me if I give a hoot.

It's all about balance, isn't it?  If I had a guy who wanted to play Rambo all the time, it wouldn't work.  It would be irksome and out of phase with who I am --OK, it would be flabbergasting!  My guess is that my submissive would be assertive at times because it was where his head (er ... either one) was at, but also because he was minutely reading me and knowing that I would love it.  Also, I've never wanted to be all one thing.  Sometimes I want to be taken and fucked, and someone who couldn't go there wouldn't be my cup of tea, either.  

It's hard for me to answer some of your specific questions because they would be person-specific.

MSS

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/21/2008 10:12:56 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Other than "How She says so" there is no universal answer, on this it seems We agree!

For Myself, I like to hear a sub's desires. So I would have no problem with him saying "Oh Ma'am, i would love to fuck You" ... whether he gets to or not is entirely up to Me but that would likely get My hot buttons fired up! Similarly, taking subtle liberties with a questioning look, waiting for Me to indicate whether to proceed or stop, that is fine too. For eg, when kissing his hand might start at My back but slide slowly around towards My breast or down towards My butt ... I would soon put My hand over his to stop him if that weren't appropriate to the moment ... but if he was to make a sudden grab for either breast or butt cheek I would pull away and tell him to STOP! And ... the same technique as Tammyjo's fox would work a treat too . Only one rider on all of this, I would expect him to have a sense of appropriate timing ... trying this 10 mins before I have to go out would NOT be highly considered!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/22/2008 8:12:27 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive

I would be disappointed if the other person never made the first move.  To be courted, to be advanced upon, to be told that you are sexy and wanted, and yes, even to have the submissive be the aggressor at times, is a necessary thing.

Is that not a dominant thing?  Ask me if I give a hoot.

It's all about balance, isn't it?  If I had a guy who wanted to play Rambo all the time, it wouldn't work.  It would be irksome and out of phase with who I am --OK, it would be flabbergasting!  My guess is that my submissive would be assertive at times because it was where his head (er ... either one) was at, but also because he was minutely reading me and knowing that I would love it.  Also, I've never wanted to be all one thing.  Sometimes I want to be taken and fucked, and someone who couldn't go there wouldn't be my cup of tea, either.  

It's hard for me to answer some of your specific questions because they would be person-specific.

MSS


I was thinking a lot about this thread last night.  And I like what you've said -- my emphasis added... to me, dominance is not always about taking charge.. but about CHOICE... and that I get to make that choice, no matter what it is...

I can't stand having a submissive in my life who some how decides that some act on my part is submissive or decides that something I do makes me less dominant...

choice, its all about the fact that *I* have the choice...

and I too like people making the first move, in all kinds of situations -- shows me you're interested

and by the way, I had a switch in my life... who would pop her head around the door at the oddest times and say.. "hey lady, wanna fuck?" and it got me every time

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 4/22/2008 8:14:02 AM >

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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/22/2008 8:22:16 AM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		1. Steal Underpants.
2. ??????
3. Profit!

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RE: Making love to a Domina - how does a sub do this? - 4/22/2008 9:43:04 AM   
sublimnity


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		I would say just like any woman should be made love to: reverently and worshipfully

(in reply to Aubre)
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