DominantJenny
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Joined: 4/6/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: batshalom
willow, I understand about the need for your close relatives and friends to understand why you take orders and such. What I don't understand is that if you take orders in front of them, and if you and your Sir live a D/s dynamic openly, why it is necessary to write a letter instead of being as open about it in conversation as you are in living it? Furthermore, why do you have to say anything at all if it makes you uncomfortable to do so?
Address questions if they're asked and leave the rest if you feel sketchy about talking openly (which boggles me if you're living it openly).
There have been a bunch of studies done that show that people think they are being scrutinized far more than they really are. People tend to have an inflated sense of being in the spotlight. Your discomfort could come from believing that everybody knows, when in fact, no one notices.
I'm not a fan of having intimate conversations via letter. It seems a little sneaky and manipulative (unless the letter writer feels that there is a threat from the person to whom he or she is writing) since there is no way for the reader to take part in this "important conversation."
To whack somebody over the head with this kind of confession, and to not leave them room to ask questions or express fear or confusion or whatever, seems destructive to the relationship between the writer and reader. If there's no real relationship there to begin with, say an extremely dysfunctional relationship between mother and daughter, then there's no need to send the letter to begin with.
But that's just me.
Sometimes, a letter is a way of opening the channels of communication. Sometimes, it's a way to get out everything that you want and need to say BEFORE the other person cuts you off, sidetracks you, jumps on one thing you said and prevents you from successfully communicating the full train of thought and you find yourself defending yourself against something that's utterly beside the point.
Some people just plain communicate better and more successfully in writing than in person. I happen to be one of them, although I also communicate well in person...but it takes two to tango, and, for example, my mother does ALL the things I listed when I talk to her. Yes, there are verbal ways to try to fight that, but they don't always work, and certainly don't always work as easily and simply as just writing a letter does. A letter also allows you to go back and say "here was my point, here was what I actually said, not what you twisted what I said into meaning" in a way that eliminates or at least sharply minimizes that debate.
I am, by nature, an open person. Sex isn't just something I do, it's something I think a lot about, something I study; it's an interest, a hobby, and those things one DOES like to share with the people in one's life. Now, don't get me wrong...I choose the sort of friends that I don't HAVE to come out to as a rule, but life is funny, and it COULD happen that I make a friend and, yeah, coming out via letter might just be the easiest and least stressful way all around for that to happen.
And, after the thousandth comment about "why he puts up with me", it's kind of hard not to say "because that's our relationship dynamic and we LIKE it that way"...but saying that often opens the door to the response "well, what kind of relationship dynamic is THAT? How can it be HEALTHY?" and so on and so on, so one has to choose one's words carefully to not open that door, OR be prepared to go through it. Sometimes, writing that letter is, again, the most appealing option for handling what is likely to be an emotionally charged and therefore far from entirely rational conversation.
Once the letter is read, it is entirely and completely possible (and generally expected) for the reader to respond, to ask their questions, express their fears, etc, once they have the WHOLE story, and not the bit you get out before they freak.
You're right that people writing coming out letters do feel a threat...a threat that they won't get a chance to tell their side of the story in full, a threat that a stupid verbal misunderstanding could lead to needless tragedy...those threats don't mean they necessarily don't have good reason for wanting to come out even facing those threats - just that they need to find a way to, if possible, avoid those threats, and many find that writing a letter is a perfectly good way to that.
And, no, for the record, I told my parents and my friends about my bisexuality live and in person, and came out to those people I've come out to as kinked (including my mother) also live and in person, however, over something totally different, I did once resort to writing my mother a letter, because every time I tried to communicate in person, the attempt failed; she didn't hear what I was trying to say, I became too emotional myself to communicate clearly, etc. She read the letter, she thought about it for a long time, and she wrote me one in response which cleared up the matter in a way that few of our disagreements have EVER been resolved. I would absolutely do it again; it was good for both of us to be able to contemplate a difficult subject OUT of the emotional moment with the whole thing there in writing to keep our thoughts from being muddled with other issues and so the misunderstandings were kept at a minimum and relatively simple to clear up.
As for writing a letter that the real recipient will never see, many, many people have found just getting out what they want to say to be cathartic, or even just to release the constant pressure of the urge to say it in the face of consequences that really AREN'T worth dealing with. Just because it's not something you need to do, or something you feel would work for you, doesn't mean it isn't a totally valid and successful thing for other people to do.
< Message edited by DominantJenny -- 5/4/2008 4:54:24 AM >
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RE: Coming Out Letters - 
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