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Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 8:54:13 AM   
roland23


Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?   
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:04:43 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		First off every submissive is different.

Secondly if all you want is a wack and fuck partner then look for that.

Alot of us want a partner, a boyfriend, a mate, a friend all wrapped in the person we call our Dominant or Master or whatever.

Some people need more time to trust the person before giving up control. Some People give up bits of control at a time as the relationship developes. Some hand over everything with out knowing a damn thing about you.

We are all individuals.

If you don't want to take the time getting to know the submissive and spending time with him or her as a person first and as a submisive second then look for those that want the same thing. Don't complain about the ones that want an established relationship based on more then beating and or fucking.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:07:28 AM   
Sarem


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/19/2007
Status: offline 		it takes time to establish any type of relationship whether it be D/s or 'nilla. people do what they feel safest doing when they are in unfamiliar or dangerous territory. in my experience if you dont like doing something or find it boring, dont just say that its boring or shoot it down, come up with something that you think is more exciting and offer that as a suggestion or request and see if they go along with it. building a relationship is really about finding as much out about the other person as you can and having fun at the same time.



(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:09:32 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have a few thoughts:

There is no big thick black line that seperates vanilla from BDSM, there are shades of comfortability, also as someone learns that they are inclined towards BDSM they have to work out in their own mind just how much of conventional norms they want to keep and how many they want to toss away.  Personally, I never was much into dating, courship and wooing but it is hardwired into our culture as the way to find a relationship-- regardless of the dynamics of the relationship.

If you are looking for something long term then you should expect the other person to want to do mundane and vanilla things as a way of building the foundation of the relationship, it helps gain understanding and trust and while it might seem like a waste of time for you, it will help you in the long run.

If you are just looking for a play partner then be honest about that.  There are those who will forgoe the trust building exercises in order to scratch an itch and it's usually a more successful endeavor when you are honest with your intnet and you look for like minded people rather then converting people who don't wish that sort of interaction.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:21:50 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Some people prefer the intimacy that accompanies a relationship.  Some don't want to do that much work, I call them drive-by doms.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:25:37 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

Apparently what you're doing now ain't working or you wouldn't be complaining and suggesting they're vanilla just because they're rejecting you. So the answer is probably "yes".



< Message edited by happypervert -- 5/8/2008 9:49:26 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:27:22 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"?

I read this out loud and the response I got was "How DARE they want a relationship?" from Fox, who was making my coffee at the time.
They arent MORE interested in finding a boyfriend than a Dom. They are interested in finding a boyfriend who IS a dom. Some (male and female, D and s) dont get much out of the BDSM interactions if they arent within the confines of a relationship. This doesnt make us vanilla, it makes us choosy.
If you do NOT want a relationship, then look for someone who wants to move faster, or who doesnt want the strings of emotional connection. Some women take a long time to be comfortable wnough with someone to have sex, much less get beaten. They might not be your type, since you sound as if you want more instant gratification.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:29:44 AM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		I wanna go ride dirt bikes :(

Seriously though, where is the line that seperates BDSM from the rest of the world? My first subbie was also the first girl I ever took to Lagoon, or to a decent resteraunt....

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:42:46 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		what she said.

personally, when looking for someone, i prefer a man who will want to take the time in knowing all of me and not just the naughty bits i bring to the relationship. i wouldn't want to have sex/play with someone i hardly know and trust.


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:47:55 AM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I read a profile not to long ago, a Dominant looking for a slave, stated that it was a requirement that she (cause He was looking for a girl), would have to inform her next of kin that she was going into that relationship as His slave and that contact and decisions were made by Him.  Although this might be one of the more extreme examples of a M/s dynamic the fact of the matter is that most people in my opinion involved in living the lifestyle require the foundation of a relationship.  After all how can a Master master that which he does not know, and how can a submissive/slave surrender her being to someone she also does not know what and how it will be used?  So yes, your expectations need to be aligned with your desires, find someone that is compatible with such.  And yes if you are looking for longevity with someone you do need to share their desires, aspirations, etc.  just as much as they have to share in yours.  Unhappy submissives/slaves are not necessarily the result of being bad at what they do but their service may be and often is the  bi-product of their environment.

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:48:16 AM   
roland23


Posts: 241
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:48:19 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Master is my Master (why i call him that) we don't  just do D/s we also do vanilla things such as going out to eat  going out for coffee.  Of course we do the D/s sutff but it is not all we ever do because we have a relationship.  If you are just looking for play then find the subs that just want that.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:53:27 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Women can get laid pretty easily.  It doesn't take posting a profile on a kinky web site and then dealing with the tidal wave of annoying emails that result from that.  The only reason to put up with that is to get something that you can't get from a bar.   What is that?  I've seen three things:

1. Information gathering to process all the new feelings I'm feeling.
2. Cybersex.
3. A relationship.




_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:54:27 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Why place an unrealistic expectation on all submissive types?  They come from life, why expect them to be any different from everyone else?
There is no vanilla.  There is levels of kink.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:56:21 AM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha


Hi-jack, hello akisha hope you are doing well in GP with spring in the air.  Was very nice to meet you at Luper, too bad my impression level of the worksop we were in was more tolerant when I slipped out before I slipped to sleep.  Hope to meet up with you again.  Take care and enjoy the summer

(in reply to akisha)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 9:58:03 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       

maybe you should try alt.com or adultfriendfinder.com if you're looking for an easy lay without strings.

just remember to wear your mack (rubber) each time


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 10:25:12 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherdelampyr

I wanna go ride dirt bikes :(

Seriously though, where is the line that seperates BDSM from the rest of the world? My first subbie was also the first girl I ever took to Lagoon, or to a decent resteraunt....


I've got my sharpie if you just tell me where to draw...

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 10:28:04 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams

quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha


Hi-jack, hello akisha hope you are doing well in GP with spring in the air.  Was very nice to meet you at Luper, too bad my impression level of the worksop we were in was more tolerant when I slipped out before I slipped to sleep.  Hope to meet up with you again.  Take care and enjoy the summer



Hey alesha!!

I messaged you on the other side

Was great meeting you too. I really need to get down from the hidden north more often

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/8/2008 10:29:11 AM >

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to aleshaDreams)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 10:30:38 AM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I once met a woman over one of those telephone dating line(remember them). We met for lunch. We then went to a motel and had an amazing scene! That was ten years ago. She has been submitting to me ever since. Unfortunately, we have been separated by distance. Many people I know have similar experiences. But this occurred in '98 and I realize that this is the ancient past. Does this still happen today?       


Sure it happens. Probbly alot. Heck swingers clubs are still doing really well to. But if that is what you are looking for then go that route.

_____________________________

I'm confused.... No wait!!! Maybe I'm not

It's not a blonde moment! It's momentary peroxide posioning. ;)

Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

532-095-649

(in reply to roland23)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 10:51:00 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sarem

it takes time to establish any type of relationship whether it be D/s or 'nilla. people do what they feel safest doing when they are in unfamiliar or dangerous territory. in my experience if you dont like doing something or find it boring, dont just say that its boring or shoot it down, come up with something that you think is more exciting and offer that as a suggestion or request and see if they go along with it. building a relationship is really about finding as much out about the other person as you can and having fun at the same time.





I to agree with this 100% very nice post 

_____________________________

Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to Sarem)
Profile   Post #: 20
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