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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 10:52:00 AM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating <snip> but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating?

I am not answering this any further, based on the common-sensical nature of the answer to your question, as illustrated by the <snip>.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/8/2008 3:36:32 PM

tigerstyle

Posts: 168
Joined: 5/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

All depends on what you mean by "get a sub".

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/9/2008 1:20:51 AM

KaineD

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Haha, no offense to the OP but he's obviously just looking for a quick lay.

Nothing wrong with that. But ya got to realize, most people on here are looking for relationships and not just sex.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/9/2008 2:19:18 AM

sweetsubie

Posts: 82
Joined: 9/22/2005
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What ever happened to "each to their own"? when I started looking for information on BDSM the first thing I learned was each couple or poly group have different dynamics because we are all very different, this is true for vanilla couples too.
Why do you assume because you're looking for a sub means that you can get all the good stuff on the first date?

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/9/2008 6:31:53 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

Shocking isnt it that a Sub wants more then kink?
How do you propose to build trust with only a flogger in your hand?
Seems to me your rushing for the big prize but dont want to invest your time into the work to get it.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/9/2008 3:38:14 PM

nwcutie102

Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
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looking for the relationship first. D/s important, yes. i think both are needed for success.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/10/2008 6:30:04 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
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quote:

ORIGINAL: akisha

a wack and fuck partner

Completely off topic, but reading that gave me the biggest smile.

Now back to your regularly scheduled topic.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/10/2008 7:43:25 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

Your OP speaks volumes about how you perceive subs. This might be your problem, not their's. Ever considered that?

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 4:49:32 AM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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My current Master is also my boyfriend. We met in a pub, we chatted, we dated, we realised we really liked each other after 1 kiss and have been inseperable ever since. We talked about what we like and don't like and discovered a mutual interest in BDSM which has deepened our relationship fairly quickly, I'm very lucky (trust me I know I'm very lucky!)

I have had BDSM relationships based purely on scening - and non-sexual scening at that, but whilst they deal with the desire for control and pain or to control and punish others (depending on my mood), I am a person who wants a significant other in her life. I'm capable of being alone, but I prefer having someone with me for the ride. I like watching TV, playing pool, going to the park, asking someone's advice, snuggling on a Sunday morning, playing roleplaying games with ridiculous amounts of books and funny-shaped dice - shrug no-one's ever told me these were terrible personality traits (although I'm often good naturedly tortured for being a geek girl!)

Perhaps OP you are looking for a different dynamic than the subs you've yet spoken to, if the adage holds true though there's someone out there for everyone, perhaps you just need to keep looking and be very clear on your requirements/desires?

Good luck with your search.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 10:17:16 AM

DesFIP

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You don't appear interested in having a relationship of any kind except for beat and fuck. Which is fine if you tell people upfront that's all you want them for. But that isn't submission because no person with any brains will submit, allow you to control their life; food, career plans, education, finances, if they don't know you except for an hour or two of a one night stand.

Submission is a lot different then casual scening. Figure out what you want first prior to going looking for it.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 2:26:49 PM

justaDallasgirl

Posts: 38
Joined: 5/7/2008
From: the Rock
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roland,
why is it bad for me to want to have a loving husband and a Master who likes to fuck me rough putting me into my happy slutpuppy place all rolled into one nice shiny package?!

i am Owned but not by someone i can marry. i am still looking for the shiny package but until then am having fun learning from Master.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 2:40:00 PM

SeaDogret

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Well, am a daddy dom, I enjoy the dating part to earn the trust of the sub, they feel safe with me, then we play, scene and make out, have two subs who are friends, but play with each individually, learn to control dude, once they are comfortable with you, then you will have your reward.ps they call me a sensual Dom

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 2:59:01 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

The amount of time spent "dating" is based soley upon 2 people. Period.

Dating is nothing more than getting to know the other person, accepting them for whom they are or moving on.

I heard Samantha Daniels on the Morning Show this week.
She said.........
Relationship disaster...why?
Biggest mistake ~~
Women show up on the date with a laundry list of expectations. They expect men to be who they are not.
Women need to figure who is the man is and does she match who he is.
Second greatest mistake ~~
Women try to move the relationship much to quickly.
In the beginning, they need to let the man set the pace.

If Samantha Daniels is correct, she is a professional matchmaker, then I believe it is true to say .......

If this is what it is like in most relationships,
think of how true it is in D/s relationships.

Women show up with a laundry list of kinks and expectations and fantasies about the man while
Men show up with their kinks and all they want to do is get to know a women.
Women have already fantacized about the man, have gotten a list together in their mind about what he is like, what they will do with him and are already falling head over heels for a man they have only spoken to in email or messenger and on the phone.

Even with all precautions taken, which makes women feel as if they are safe and found the one, they feel they already want something the man is still only investigating.

How much more imporant is it that the man sets the pace in a relationship like D/s.
Too push a relationship that you really dont belong in is paramount for a disaster set up. Women bemoan a broken heart and betrayal when it is not the man's fault at all, but their own.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 3:11:58 PM

lronitulstahp

Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

Maybe you should find a bottom that is just interested in play. That's not a bad thing...just specify and find someone wanting the same thing as you. See if there is a local dungeon that has singles night or perhaps get a sub on loan for scening.
Being critical of subs that want more is a bit snotty, though. Some of us require things beyond scening with a Dominant. We actually like relationships, oh the horror!
~well rounded slut

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 3:35:46 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
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i think all subs/slaves have different things they are looking for just as Doms have different desires they are looking for as well.

for me in the beginning i was just interested in exploring and play partners only....some Doms consider that wrong but for me it was right...i was specific on my profile that is all i was looking for...i had contact from several Doms who wanted more and tried to push but i always re-stated...that i was only interested in play. i did have to feel safe and if they pushed too hard or fast i would not play. that meant i wanted to exchange a few emails and get to know the person at least a little bit..maybe..im..before agreeing to meet for play...

now..fast forward a couple of years...and now agreeing to an exclusive relationship with Master.

heather

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/11/2008 4:14:40 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
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What RedMagic1 said.

And welcome to the boards, Sarem. Have fun!

Roland23, I agree with everyone else here who's saying that if you just want a play partner with no strings attached, just be very up front about that in your profile and you should be able to attract someone like that. There are people (married, comes to mind as one example) who just want to play and don't have the time or inclination to invest in an involved relationship. So if you're clearly stating what you want right from the start, you should be able to find someone who suits your needs very nicely.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/24/2008 10:05:59 PM

roland23

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From now on I will stipulate "lifetime play partner only"

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/25/2008 12:17:33 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

I have met many subs who seem more interested in dating and/or finding a boyfriend than finding a dom. Are they "closet vanillas"? Don't get me wrong, I'm into travel, dining and hanging out at BDSM clubs/events but is it really neccessary to spend a prolonged amount of time dating? Do I really have to meet Auntie Em and ride dirt bikes(or whatever) to get a sub?

For me and only me:

To play, nah. But that's all you'll get - scenes and you'll get them on pretty much my terms. If you aren't interested in dating me and having me be part of your life, I'm really not interested in serving you. Just serving my own needs.

I serve Valyraen, do what he wants, savor the pleasure he gives and endure the pain because of the love we share.

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/25/2008 6:29:02 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
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quote:

ORIGINAL: roland23

From now on I will stipulate "lifetime play partner only"

Being honest is key, but because men speak "man language" and women hear and interrupt it using "woman language", you better be REAL specific about what you mean by that. LOL!

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RE: Dating/Closet Vanillas - 5/25/2008 8:41:34 AM

Mercnbeth

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as you have seen already in this thread, some folks have an aversion to labelling relationships or the folks that engage in them, as "vanilla". it doesn't bother this slave, as she has seen the term used to illustrate the difference between two versions of music, sex, financial instruments, RPG Narrativists, relationship dynamics as well as information technology, sans any negative connotation. one version is basic, generic and traditional...the other has more bells and whistles, is exotic and/or has attributes that distinguish it from the traditional, generally accepted version.

this slave has used the term to refer to a traditional relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife) and/or the folks that are in them, as opposed to an alternative one, such as Master/slave. this slave places no generalized value judgement on either. "Vanilla" (or traditional relationships) are just as valid and can be just as fulfilling for folks who engage in them as alternative relationships are for the folks who engage in those.

for some, traditional, or "vanilla" realtionships are not appropriate nor desirable. it is what caused this slave to go in search of friends for fun and frolic in the BDSM lifestyle world on internet sites much like this one, instead of searching on eharmony or match.com for a traditional, or "vanilla" boyfriend/husband relationship.

that being said, spend as much time getting to know someone as is comfortable for the both of you in order to "get a sub". she isn't going to be "your" sub, until she consents, and the time it takes for her to come to that agreement with you is going to vary with the individual sub in question.

good luck with your search.

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