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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/13/2008 9:20:19 PM   
Alumbrado


Posts: 5560
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quote:

If people with a completely private BDSM or D/s practice want to stay private, more power to them.  However, there are a lot of people -- including some on this very message board -- who give "advice" to others that seems completely outside the realm of reality.  This busybody "advice" often comes from people who "refuse" to check out their local scene, or who claim to be big shots in the "lifestyle" without any possible verification.

The non-advice "advice" falls roughly into two camps: (1) end the relationship at the first sign of difficulty ("run, don't walk"), or (2) everything will be perfect if you just try harder ("Master ordered me to do impossible thing X, and it was hard for me, but I did it without ever complaining, and now our relationship is all CastleRealmy").  Both are immature fantasy reactions by people who don't know what they're talking about.

Anyone who has dealt seriously with real human beings in real life knows that BDSM, and relationships, are hard.  Yeah, sometimes you might have to leave, and sometimes things are wonderful, but it takes a lot of W-O-R-K before you get to either place.  Fantasizers are unable to explain this in their posts, because they've never had to deal with the grit of other human beings outside their own heads.




Great up to this point...(seriously, well put.)

quote:

Meeting someone in person adds legitimacy to who they are.  Period. 



I would say it adds to the appearance of legitimacy.
The worst manipulators, cons, or even psychopaths are the ones with the highest socialization skills... add in group dynamics, and the fact that 'everybody knows Mistr/essX', starts to fall apart on the reliability scale.

So which would we rather have... an unknown quantity or one masquerading as a known quantity? 

Much as we might like to flattter ourselves that we can 'just tell' the good guys from the bad, history debunks that. 

quote:

Those who get pissed because someone puts greater trust in people who are open and willing to be known in real life, are acting awfully defensive, and demonstrating to me that they might not have any real-world experience at all.


Call me cynical, but those who don't think defensively and just give out trust because of reputation might not have learned enough, in spite of all their experience.

I'll stick with my original take... good people can be found playing in groups or outside of groups... bad people can also be found in both milieus. .
Some of the criticisms and supporting arguments are valid, some appear to be 'different is baaahhhhdd'.

Like relationships, it takes work to sort it out in either case




< Message edited by Alumbrado -- 5/13/2008 9:24:39 PM >

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/13/2008 9:24:40 PM   
Vigilantejustice


Posts: 106
Joined: 11/15/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OldBastardly1

I think the poor animal is dead.

I think at this point we're beating the grease spot where the dead horse was. If eleven pages of posts hasn't made everyone's points clear or caused the opposition to "come around" then I think there's little hope for future success.

Surprised she's still reading this thread,
Corinne
House Vigilante

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 4:59:38 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael



I am going to substitute the words "wonder about" for "suspect".   When I see someone stating they are a presenter or a group leader, I always "wonder about" their motivation and assume the worst till proven otherwise. 




Not to hijack the thread, but I'm curious about the above.  I happen to know that at least three of us on this thread fall into this category.  Might I ask why you would "wonder about" the motivations of those of us who fit this description?



no offence, but i wonder about the motivations of those who state they are a presenter or a group leader as well...it is a tactic used by predators to prove some sort of authority, not saying that anyone that posted on this thread is a predator, but most, if not all, of the people on this thread who have stated that they are presenters or group leaders, have fulfilled the other half of Michael's statement...they have proven otherwise...again, not trying to offend anyone, this is just an observation of a tactic i have seen used...

chelle


I'm not offended in any way.  The reason I questioned that particular part of the post was My own curiosity.  I think it boiled down what could be construed as a matter of logistics.   Like Michael, you live in a major metropolitan area, where there are not only public clubs, but various groups within the city.  In those types of areas, it's much easier to be a part of the local scene without having to be involved beyond showing up and enjoying an evening.

Not everyone has that type of opportunity.  Every month, I sit down with a dozen (or less) folks to figure out how to keep our little kink community viable.  Literally, if we don't do the work to draw presenters, put together events, and the like, there wouldn't be anything here, and our group members would have a rather long drive just to sit face to face with like minded people. 

I'm very sure there are some people out there who have less than honorable motivations, but there are also some who get involved so that there are options other than having only closet kink.




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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 5:07:02 AM   
pettingdragons


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
I have heard there are great places in Fla.  I have a friend outside of Tampa who keeps telling me when I come visit, she'll take me to the clubs she goes to and introduce me to all the cool people there.  She has awesome things to say about it all, having moved from Virginia where she didn't enjoy things so well.


Tampa, Orlando, Miami and Key West have the biggest clubs in the state but there are many spread through out the state and some groups who have their own private areas. Virginia has some nice ones also but they are best know for being close to DC where the Black Rose Event is held.
pettingdragons
**Master Dragons considered slave**

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 5:23:26 AM   
pettingdragons


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
I tend to question everyone in the Non-Asexual group who can't divide their cells through sheer mental power and instantly create identical offspring.


LMAO

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Profile   Post #: 225
RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 5:40:54 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		One opf the things about my local scene that I discovered in the long run was this. A lot of them got seriously pissed at me for not following thier group think. I think that is what it really boils down to. Thier main interest seemed to be in enforcing conformity to the way THEY thought it should be.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 5/14/2008 5:41:14 AM >

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 5:56:21 AM   
pettingdragons


Posts: 421
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Nope, I am going to give the animal a speed enema and see if we can't get a few laps.



Wow...thatjust jumped up and ran another two hundred miles!!!

pettingdragons
**Master Dragons consiered salve**

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Profile   Post #: 227
RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 6:01:05 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Michael can answer for himself, Laura, but I'll talk about something that bothers me.

If people with a completely private BDSM or D/s practice want to stay private, more power to them.  However, there are a lot of people -- including some on this very message board -- who give "advice" to others that seems completely outside the realm of reality.  This busybody "advice" often comes from people who "refuse" to check out their local scene, or who claim to be big shots in the "lifestyle" without any possible verification.

The non-advice "advice" falls roughly into two camps: (1) end the relationship at the first sign of difficulty ("run, don't walk"), or (2) everything will be perfect if you just try harder ("Master ordered me to do impossible thing X, and it was hard for me, but I did it without ever complaining, and now our relationship is all CastleRealmy").  Both are immature fantasy reactions by people who don't know what they're talking about.

Anyone who has dealt seriously with real human beings in real life knows that BDSM, and relationships, are hard.  Yeah, sometimes you might have to leave, and sometimes things are wonderful, but it takes a lot of W-O-R-K before you get to either place.  Fantasizers are unable to explain this in their posts, because they've never had to deal with the grit of other human beings outside their own heads.

Meeting someone in person adds legitimacy to who they are.  Period.  Those who get pissed because someone puts greater trust in people who are open and willing to be known in real life, are acting awfully defensive, and demonstrating to me that they might not have any real-world experience at all.

As always, the reader is free to think I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground.



you're me with a penis...

your common sense overwhelmes me, this is a great post...

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 6:03:41 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

One opf the things about my local scene that I discovered in the long run was this. A lot of them got seriously pissed at me for not following thier group think. I think that is what it really boils down to. Thier main interest seemed to be in enforcing conformity to the way THEY thought it should be.


What group is that?  Where is that?

I've belonged to a few here and there (over the years) and I've met so many across the country and presented at quite a few events and groups and this is NOT an impression I've ever gotten.  The only groups that seem to have a tight thought process is those just for ONE type of relationship (e.g., ClubFem or some strict Male dom/fem sub groups) but then you do know what you're going into.



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When I dream, I'm doing you all night
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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 6:39:08 AM   
mztresn0w


Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		I found that my first few visit to the local community meetings was a strange thing. It wasn't what I expected. Many think that because you attend these meetings or events that everyone should be glad you are there. I was one of the few that wasn't looking for a partner. I wanted to learn more about this lifestyle. I attended the regular Monday night meetings. I must say after the 6 or 7 meeting when people realized that I was still coming they went out of the way to get to know me. I now understand why they were that way. There are so many that just show up for one or two meetings and then never return. If you don't want to invest the time then why should they. It is a place to meet people and exchange thoughts. I was very active for several years and then life got in the way and I was unable to attend anything for a long time. I look forward to attend these meetings again. I guess it is about what you are looking for. I wanted to meet people and learn, I did not expand my list of play partners. I have meet people from on line but have found that the lasting friendships came from the local community not on line..  Everyone is different and we find what we are looking for in different ways. I am lucky because I don't have to drive to the next major city. I live in the Phoenix area. So it has been eaiser for me. .......................

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 7:39:32 AM   
Leatherist


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Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

One opf the things about my local scene that I discovered in the long run was this. A lot of them got seriously pissed at me for not following thier group think. I think that is what it really boils down to. Thier main interest seemed to be in enforcing conformity to the way THEY thought it should be.


What group is that?  Where is that?

I've belonged to a few here and there (over the years) and I've met so many across the country and presented at quite a few events and groups and this is NOT an impression I've ever gotten.  The only groups that seem to have a tight thought process is those just for ONE type of relationship (e.g., ClubFem or some strict Male dom/fem sub groups) but then you do know what you're going into.




They are predominantly into a poly pagan thing. It's the lifestyle the club owner practices. But that doesn;t happen to be my thing,and I got tired of having it shoved in my face every time I attended-especially with the pagan symbols on the walls.

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 7:44:08 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
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quote:

I got tired of having it shoved in my face every time I attended-especially with the pagan symbols on the walls.


Do you also avoid going into any place that has a decorated evergreen tree in December, or bunnies and eggs in Spring?

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 7:46:10 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		yes.

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 8:06:18 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vigilantejustice


I don't think much of anyone is saying:
Public= Non-Scummy
Private=Scummy

What they're trying to say is:
Public=Harder to hide possible scumminess
Private=Easier to hide possible scumminess



which also means...

a person in public the public scene can be a Scummy SOB.... Or they can be a person to be admired.... just alittle easier to validate it one way or the other.

a person in private can be person to be admired... or they can be a Scummy SOB... just alittle harder to validate it one way or the other.

but.. the final twist.... one person's scum is another person's buddy!  We all don't have the same opinion on people.

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 8:06:48 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		oh.. well, I guess I don't mix my pagan stuff with my SM... though many do.. they are separate for me... so perhaps if you just tried something that was BDSM.. or leather or whatever, a more general group...

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When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 8:08:51 AM   
Cuffkinks


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

It is quite simple, the world exists to be judged by and for me and the sooner you little people realize that the better off we will all be.  I sit in judgement of you because I am simply better, why else would I have this name?  I sure wouldn't pick a crappy one like any of you...

I now realize that bringing that animal back to life was a gift I should not have given but at times my abundance of generosity overwhelmes my intense modesty.

I return you all to your discussion of how many angels rest atop a pin...


I'm rather fond of the name Michael myself. I've always done well with it.

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 8:18:34 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Fast Reply to no one in particular....

I've noticed on this thread that a few people have mentioned that they went to a ________ once and didn't like it or were uncomfortable....so they determined they didn't want to do it again. To me that is kind of like saying that you went to a shoe store but you didn't like any of the shoes there.....would you walk barefoot for all of eternity based on the selection at just one or two stores?

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RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 8:25:28 AM   
DominantJenny


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Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline 		Fast reply to mist of erin:

I went up to three and four times to various things. It costs money and uses valuable time to do these things. Yes, if I don't feel welcome or don't find a reason to keep coming back, I stop. The thing is, I don't need a munch (or play space or whatever)...I do need shoes. Different priorities.

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Profile   Post #: 238
RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 9:30:35 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

Fast reply to mist of erin:

I went up to three and four times to various things. It costs money and uses valuable time to do these things. Yes, if I don't feel welcome or don't find a reason to keep coming back, I stop. The thing is, I don't need a munch (or play space or whatever)...I do need shoes. Different priorities.


Buying shoes, takes time, costs money, some shoe stores have bad service and some shoe clerks are jerks. Eventually you find a convenient store with good service and prices and/or shop from a 'self service' place like Target or make get served by the internet.

Do you feel "pressured" to wear shoes and/or a specific shoe type for specific occasions or do so because of preference and/or comfort?

Apply the same thought process to your original quandary.

(in reply to DominantJenny)
Profile   Post #: 239
RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/14/2008 10:06:37 AM   
DominantJenny


Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

Fast reply to mist of erin:

I went up to three and four times to various things. It costs money and uses valuable time to do these things. Yes, if I don't feel welcome or don't find a reason to keep coming back, I stop. The thing is, I don't need a munch (or play space or whatever)...I do need shoes. Different priorities.


Buying shoes, takes time, costs money, some shoe stores have bad service and some shoe clerks are jerks. Eventually you find a convenient store with good service and prices and/or shop from a 'self service' place like Target or make get served by the internet.

Do you feel "pressured" to wear shoes and/or a specific shoe type for specific occasions or do so because of preference and/or comfort?

Apply the same thought process to your original quandary.


In the end, yes, I need to not let the pressure get to me; those exerting the pressure are not the people I'm interested in impressing, after all.
That said, I've never been judged negatively because I choose to shop for my shoes on the internet instead of in person; people seem to be able to accept that it's simply because I prefer not to deal with obnoxious clerks and poor selections.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 240
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