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Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 7:50:46 AM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

I frequently see people recommend/place importance on being active in the local scene. I have an objection to this I'd like to talk about.
Many years ago, there was no local scene in our area...the nearest was almost two hours away. That was a long drive for us then, let alone now with gas prices the way they are. We tried to start a munch, but it didn't fly...not enough people showed up, we had trouble finding a venue that was at all comfortable, etc.
Later, another couple started a munch in the same town...they were more successful, but, when we went, we didn't like the venue (it was LOUD) and didn't connect with anyone in a positive way and there were some sleazeballs.
Still later, we'd moved and now found a group that was about an hour away. We went, but felt unwelcomed (except by one clearly desperately lonely individual who was less than appealing to say the least.) Again, we weren't comfortable at all.
Now, we're not particularly weird or alienating...I'm mildly geeky/an introvert, he's highly socially skilled. We're a femdom couple, yes, and I think that DID play a part at the last place...we seemed to be about the only ones there (possibly one other, but VERY different style). We have reasonable social success in other situations, so I really don't think it's "us" in that sense. Just because you have one thing in common with people doesn't mean you'll have others or that you'll like each other at all for that matter.
That was all BEFORE we had children. Now, we can barely get babysitting for just "us-time" every once in a while, let alone to regularly go to a munch or club. We don't have the cash to pay (and I'm not ready to trust my toddler to virtual strangers anyway, let alone my upcoming newborn) and no one local who wouldn't start to question what we were up to in an awkward way. So, frankly, being active in our (semi-)local scene just isn't very feasible at all.
I'm sure a lot of people have similar stories. So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

Post #: 1

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 8:26:02 AM

DomKen

Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

I've never felt or encountered any external pressure to be "active in the scene." What I do have is a need to be fully myself around some group of people. From my conversations with subs a lot of subs feel very isolated due to how the larger society views their desires/needs and some contact with others who accept them as they are is good for them as well..

Over a lot of years I've found that having a social network that is aware of and accepting of my and my lovers lifestyle is good for me. If it isn't something you and yours need then I wouldn't worry about it.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 2

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 8:50:27 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

I think the problem comes up when we have unrealistic expectations about what a local scene can provide in our various localities.
If the area has a population base of 500,000 then the local community will have just so much to offer, if the area has a population base of 2,000,000 then the local community will have significantly more to offer.
What to realisticly expect from a local community is another issue, expecting to find a perfect match only useing munches with 1-4 visits to a munch a year is pretty muck like expecting to find a job talking to folks in line at the store where you buy shoes.

The benifits of community are not nearly as much in the realm of matchmaking as they are in exchanging information RT face to face. Working together to create events and or parties where the economies of scale allow for a broader experience. Bringing in recognized experts to teach on various subjects is another thing where the economies of scale help.

Social networking is certainly one pf the biggest things I think being involved in a local community can help with, you may not find the perfect match at the munch but the othe folks at the munch may be able to connect you with someone who doesn't suit them but might be of interest to you.

For those of us who found the RT community first and later found the VT communities like the predicesors of CM, we found the ways to work that RT system to get what we need, reworking our ways to make a VT system work as well seems impossibly difficult. So we don't see how anyone else could find it anything other than so much better. Sure it's bias, but it's bias based on our experience.

< Message edited by Archer -- 5/10/2008 8:52:02 AM >

(in reply to DomKen)

Post #: 3

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:03:48 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

There are a fair number of people in my area who are active R/T in bdsm. Sir and i have been to munches and parties with several different groups, and have made good friends with people. Since he is working so much on Saturdays, what we try to do is have a party at our house and invite all those whom we enjoy. That way we know we are going to have a good time, and so will most of those that we invite.

I have become close to a male sub, and we talk frequently via im, and meet regularly with his mistress to eat out, and in. We have basically made our own informal circle of friends, and interestingly, they are people that we enjoy conversation with more than playing with. ... not that that isn't fun too.

As a brand new sub, i really enjoyed the opportunity to see others in this milieu, and gained a lot of confidence re. my abilities to keep my Sir happy. and since i made a good friend, it gives me someone not emotionally involved with my Sir's and my relationship to bounce stuff off.

For me the local scene was and is very beneficial - and fun.

edited for spelling .

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 5/10/2008 9:04:48 AM >

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 4

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:18:39 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I dont believe the local scene is for everyone. It's not a blanket that covers us all.
I myself, have no interest in becoming part of the local scene. It will not fit my life as my life is.
Sure it limits those I meet, but it's places like here on CM that offer a chance to meet locals and establish friendships
that can move on to real life.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 5

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:25:19 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

The recommendations to get active in the local scene are usually given to those who are lost in a virtual world and the unreality it provides.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Quivver)

Post #: 6

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:37:39 AM

sasback

Posts: 6
Joined: 5/21/2007
Status: offline

As many have already said, local scenes have many positive aspects. The one thing that has not been mentioned thus far is SAFETY! Recommendations are key. Many times it is easy to spot someone not truly in the lifestyle by asking who they know. Do I want to walk blindly on a journey with someone that says they have a particular skill in an edge type play? Do they follow a negoation, safe call, safe word, etc? Sure you meet in the safe place and all that jazz, but being the sub, I prefer to keep breathing.

Also attending group activities allows you to attend functions in other cities and such. I'm not sure what part of IL you are currently residing, but there are two major events put on in Chicago and an area that offers regular play space. There are also large events in Madison and Black River Falls. Attending these functions has allowed me to expand my boundaries and meet/learn from people from around the world.

Give it another try, and like many things it may take more than 1 or 2 times. If all else fails, start your own group. We did.

sas

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 7

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 9:53:06 AM

HieroV

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

I’ve been RT on and off for about ten years. I have been in four d/s relationships with dominant women in my past - two of them as a slave.

I've met them all online and except for one case never asked for recommendations.

I attended the local D/S group for about a year and met some nice people but never a partner. (I was actually at one this past week and the dominant woman giving the presentation also said she met all her partners online.).

As always, use what works for you.

HieroV

(in reply to sasback)

Post #: 8

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:09:08 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

as Archer mentioned, those of us who found RT communities before they found VT communities (the geeks in the chat rooms i "snuck into" when i was a year away from being legal, who had memorized the castlerealm website didn't quallify for me) find it nearly impossible to make the VT system work as well as the RT system...however that being said, with politics (poli - meaning many, and tics - blood sucking creatures, thanks to whoever came up with that) and petty back stabbing bullshit, i find it impossible to participate in my local scene at the moment, and i am certainly not going to introduce my Dominant partner to this community, being what it is, for his first example of a bdsm community - he was one of those "doesn't everyone tie up their partners and make them have orgasms till they pass out" types...lol...

as for pressure...what pressure? the only time i have ever seen anyone suggest that someone should get involved in a local scene is when they are so off base in their own fantasy land that they have created in front of their computer that they need a dose of reality....has someone suggested that you should get involved in your local scene? this is the translation...what you are posting is not that of someone who is grounded in reality...not saying you are or are not, just what you are posting

take care,
chelle

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 9

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:21:11 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

As for what to do, etc...

If the local scene is far too big or far too small the answer I have seen work best is the same, to form a smaller group of freinds that get together socially and less formally than a munch. Make a freind, have them over for dinner share LIFE not just lifestyle with them. Time goes on add another couple, or two to the small intimate circle of freinds. In other words you do what vanillas have been doing for years, have dinner parties, except these happen to be comprised of folks who share a kinky bend.
Where you collect the circle of freinds from (format online or offline) doesn't matter it's about creating something that actually resembles a family or tribe, and there is something about face to face that solidifies the bonds of family.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 10

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:22:59 AM

mzbehavin

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline

Be where you're comfy. I dont feel one has to be part of a 'scene' to have D/s relationship. xox

_____________________________

There's never really a good time for the whole Man to Beast thing...Just kind of~Whaum! and hope for the best...
ToTo from The O.Z.

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 11

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:42:36 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

You tell whoever is pressuring you to knock it off.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 12

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:45:25 AM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

Echoing the above... What pressure to be active in the scene? Some people just don't enjoy what some other people enjoy, and no one group is going to appeal to everybody.

Too loud.... too boring

Too pushy... too stand offish.

Too sleazy... too prudish.

Let just anybody in... not welcoming.

(in reply to mzbehavin)

Post #: 13

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 10:59:55 AM

ViceVersa

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

So, what do you do when your local scene isn't available or appealing? How do you deal with the pressure to be "active in the scene" when that's not very feasible or when it's simply not to your taste?

Hi DominantJenny,

I have memories of kinky interests from age 3 or 4, was practicing self-bondage by the time I was 10, could put a name to it in my early teens and for all those years, I felt like I was the only one out there. I'm part of the local community because it gives me a group of people I can be myself around and an opportunity to help new folks feel not-so-isolated themselves. I coordinate our local group's (The Triangle Munch Group) educational activities because I can contribute to the education process - and pick which topics *I* want to see too :-) - as well as help folks find their niche in kink. I went to maybe a dozen play parties and while I enjoyed the socializing, they weren't quite hitting the mark for me. And I realized that "hitting the mark" was the issue...the parties tended to be more of the red-ass variety with lots of single-tailing and flogging. My thang is first and foremost bondage, so...I decided to start a bondage group here - CORD - and we've been building up momentum over the last 6-8 months or so. It's really only been in the last couple of weeks that I realized why I felt the need to start my own bondage group instead of just carving out a rep as "the bondage guy" at the other socials and dungeons. Most socials and dungeons feel more like a performance to me. Some folks are fabulous at that and I'm amazed at their skill and appreciate their willingness to put themselves out there, but that's not me. I'm in it for the education and focus on bondage. We're more of a shared learning group having fun than anything intense.

For me, the local community allows me to lead a more integrated life instead of a more compartmentalized life. Others parse their lives in ways that make sense to them and the reasons are as complex as the people involved. There's no right way to eat a Rhesus.

Vice

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 14

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 11:01:12 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ViceVersa

There's no right way to eat a Rhesus.

Monkey chewin' is against TOS......or nature, one or the other.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to ViceVersa)

Post #: 15

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 11:05:20 AM

ViceVersa

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

:-)

That's actually a t-shirt offered by the magazine Mental Floss...might have to get one sometime.

Vice

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 16

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 12:11:00 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

The scene in my town is filled with drama. Not just drama, but rather drama taken to an extreme, so I avoid it unless someone I know wants me to attend some get-together. Getting together with Dom and sub friends at non-D/s events is much better for me. It tends to be more normal, without all the strutting and bitching and whining.

I could probably drive an hour or so to Raleigh and hit a scene that isn't quite as dramatic, but it's really not my thing (especially since I'm relatively single at the mo, gas prices being what they are, and me being a fulltime student living on savings and student loans). I have other activities that take priority.

I do think that connecting with similar others can be very important, however, especially to those new to the whole idea of D/s. We connect with like others to gain information and to foster a sense of control in our own lives, and hooking up with the right folks can make a world of difference.

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 17

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 12:29:00 PM

abcbsex

Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
Status: offline

I'm too young for my local scene but I'm enjoying meeting people one-on-one (vanilla setting) rather than attending a large group function while not knowing anyone. I've had pressure from a different group (online, ironically) saying that in order to know anything about BDSM I had to go to munches, then scoffing when I explained the age limits. Another ironic thing about this group is that they were set up as a question and answer type thing... so supposedly an online resource? Why should I have to wait to play with my husband until I accomplish some arbitrary number? I look forward to attending meetings of like-minded people, but for now I'm alright without it, functioning pretty well with the forums here!

_____________________________

I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 18

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 12:30:09 PM

lanie38

Posts: 120
Joined: 9/14/2007
Status: offline

~fast reply~

I'll echo what most posters are replying...

Pressure?? Nah...at least not from anyone who has a valuable opinions.

I've been to some munches and some play parties..not my thing..I don't enjoy the theatrics of it all...I find it kind of boring and unrelated to anything that goes on in my relationship..and playing isn't one of them...but I guess it works for some...

_____________________________

Don't be so humble...you're not that great. ~ Golda Meir

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 19

RE: Not into the local scene. - 5/10/2008 12:47:24 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

I don't knoiw, the whole scene/munch thing just doesn't hold much interest for me. I'd love to get out and attend some of the demos that go on in my area, but work always seems to pop up right when I want to go out, haha. I'm a shy person, I don't do well in large crowds, but on the other hand, I get overly offended when people patronize me as a newbie.

A scene doesn't have to be a formal gathering with a title. A scene to me is just the company you keep, and the type of people you gravitate towards. My "Scene" outside of what I do professionally tends to be 20-30somethings, lots of concerts, lots of music, and some really awesome people. As far as kink goes, it just happens to pop up with the people I'm around. Most of my friends know at least a little about what I do, no one has any sort of problem with it.

If the group you attend is drama filled and cliquey, don't go, or find a different group of friends. Don't you remember highschool? People don't grow out of dramawhoring and self importance. It's not a bdsm thing, it's a human thing.

On the other hand, I suppose the bdsm oriented munches and things are a great way to learn about different topics...

(in reply to lanie38)

Post #: 20

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