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Realizations - 5/10/2008 7:36:32 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		As some one had posted.. what if everything you knew about something had been all wrong. A lie or a farce.

Well I came to that realization tonight.

Talking with my friend after a lovely dinner I grilled out on the back patio... under the cresent moon with the breeze blowing off of the bay near by I began thinking and talking about past loves. I guess rum does that to me. *chuckles*

He is of the mind I should be a kept woman. I should find someone to "take care of me" ~ Me being me~ I of course just laughed and explained I was always the bread winner in *every* realtionship I had ever been in. In my whole life.. with both Males and Females. I do not think I could take the blow to my sense of self to be a kept woman.

My friend comes from one of the oldest families in the US. They *built* the some of colonies. Of course he would think that way. *sticks out her tongue* My mother was of the same mind.

I have moved through life advoiding any one who could do more for me then I could for myself.

I moved through life taking on only relationships where I felt *realy* and desperately needed.

I took on realtionships where I was in them to either A. Fix the person, patch them up.. and get them back on the road to recovery... or B. I thought it was a long term realtionship I could be in for many many years.

If there was no long term game plan with no end in sight I did not bother.

I realized tonight all of the wonderful opertunites I passed up and people I could have had potentialy fantastic realtionships with because of my "ideas" that it had to be "forever" or not at all. Bloody hell.

I have met someone I have such a spiritual draw with even though he isnt with me here I can feel him.. and know his moods. We have that kind of link. It simply wasnt ment to be for us this go sadly. I have held myself in check in relationships waiting to find that kind of bond.. waiting for *that* very thing. Waiting for him mayhaps? *shrugs* but it will not be. So now I am set free from this self imposed holding back in each and every realtionship. Or not having relationships. I know what it is like. I hope it is possible with another other then him. I would hate it if the universe put all my eggs in one broken assed basket. LOL

So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?

What did you do to overcome it?

after all it took me 17 years to formulate and discard my notions... hopefuly this will help someone.

Gwyn,
Who could be living in Bermuda right now... or in a castle in Germany... or Married with a gaggle of kids and a very handsome hubby... or.. oh hell. I will just stop there.

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:02:57 PM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		i realize there are no straight women.  they are bi or gay or just havent had the oppurtunity.

or perahps they are narrow or wide....

just..there are no straight ones.


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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:05:03 PM   
Level


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd


So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?


I think so.

quote:

What did you do to overcome it?


I haven't, yet.



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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:08:21 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline 		No.. there are some... Damn it.

I have ran into them.. but I would say a *Large substainal* number are bi, or bi curious on some level...

Damn I hope that cutie at the one office is bi... I would be on her like a bum on a ham sandwish.

Damn. I usualy dont go for blonde women.. but good golly... cute, fluffy in all the right places... sweet.. adorable little voice.

I could just sop her up with a biscut. Gods.. I hope they call me back.

I think I will be crushed if she is totaly straight.

She did like my shoes though.

*sighs*

Gwyn

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Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:12:06 PM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd


So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?


I think so.

quote:

What did you do to overcome it?


I haven't, yet.




Care to share? since I splayed myself out there for all to see.. in my goobery glory.. *chuckles*

is ok if you dont wanna though.

It took a lot for me to decide to type it.. and then to actualy type it.

Made me sad at all the people I missed out on. All of the wonderful things I could have experianced.

But not wanting to "settle for temporary" I did myself a huge dis- service.. and I judged others unfairly. As well as myself.

Gwyn

_____________________________

Self avowed Geek-Girl~
Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:28:22 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		oopsa

< Message edited by Termyn8or -- 5/10/2008 8:30:12 PM >

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 8:41:09 PM   
Level


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

It took a lot for me to decide to type it.. and then to actualy type it.


It was gutsy of you. It's hard to open up, to others and to ourselves, sometimes.

quote:

Made me sad at all the people I missed out on. All of the wonderful things I could have experianced.

But not wanting to "settle for temporary" I did myself a huge dis- service.. and I judged others unfairly. As well as myself.


There is a picture in my head of how my life should, or needs, to be. This includes my love life. And I've used that to distance myself from an awful lot. Now... I don't think that's always a bad thing. Surely, some nasty shit has been avoided, along with some potentially fantastic times.
 
But, lately, I've been doing some soul-searching. Shit, I always do that.... but moreso, now. There are some medical questions that have made me try to focus on what I want, and need, and there is the ever-dawning realization that someone I love isn't right for me, and vice versa. Talk about your clusterfucks.
 
I don't know, Gwyn. I feel like The Answer is right there, but I can't quite put my hands on it. Can't quite see it, yet.




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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 10:00:00 PM   
DomKen


Posts: 19457
Joined: 7/4/2004
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?

What did you do to overcome it?

I'm home alone tonight, pet is out of town on business, so I guess I'll take a trip down melancholy lane with you.

I spent 15 or 20 years of my life looking for a 'soul mate.' A woman who'd be my perfect match. I let a wonderful woman walk away because I wouldn't compromise on having kids. I spent 5 years trying to get a woman I adored to enjoy enough power exchange to let me not have that need bothering me all the time.

I've had to accept that I'm not likely to find that perfect match. I have to learn to accept the really good match and be happy but I'm really having trouble with that.

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 10:06:17 PM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		This is a really nice thread, Gwyn - I really enjoyed reading you and the others. All I can contribute is that my expectations of love are as confused now as they ever were - but that I have been lucky in that I have never been without it.

Thank you :-) .

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 10:53:33 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Big hug to the OP..

I turn 42 in July this year.

Of this:

The first 17 years spent in fears and confusion...
The first 32 years never really knowing who I really was.
A little over 41 years of being afraid of myself, of showing everyone the real me.. and living the right way for me..

So much of this hidden within.. masks are useful..

It was the news of my death of my father last year and the subsequent permanent separation from half of my family which released me from the fears of rejection and emotional blackmail.. and the clarity of vision which brought that realization that I never once3 challenged, I never once questioned, and I held myself deep inside an an emotional hostage and prisoner all those years.

I deceived myself, through this others, most saw through this of course, but I could never find the words to explain what I felt inside, what I was afraid of.. when it was platonic it was okay, but when they got so close I felt unsure, scared, stifled, and I left.

I gave so much, but often didn't give the right things, find the right words.. Leaving broke a few hearts.. I never gave enough chances to others. It was good, but it could have been better.

Part of me feels so stupid for writing this.. maybe I should delete it.. But no.. So many here know what's been going on, and a few have been giving me support on the other side, for which I am truly grateful.. No more hiding.

Even since last November things have been difficult, but they're better, I'm rebuilding, I feel better than I have ever felt, I know I need to reach out more, give people more chances, come out of myself more, somehow try and find that confidence.

You see for so long I've been looking for support from someone else, thinking that it would make things easier for me, for her, for us. Support here in the emottonal support sense, and I would go off, find someone, anyone, just for that support. But maybe that support isn't support, but validation? What then? If it is validation, then am I really overcoming my own fears or simply kidding myself that I am? Who's fooling who here?

My support has been staring me in my face for so many years, for so long, it is my work, my artistic work. It is my creativity, it is my stability in my instability, my consistency in my inconsistency, and having realized this, things have changed, I'm still building, taking it slowly, but I know every step is a step in the right direction.

I've been waiting for that better me to emerge, but hey, I'm me, I'm the imperfect me, that's how it is, and how it will be.

What have I done to overcome it? By giving and sharing myself more, and also:

I put my belief in tomorrow
Though in my yesterdays I once felt pain
I put my belief in love
Hoping it will touch me again
I put my belief in believing
Though I know my heart has been broken
I put my belief in trust
Waiting for gentle words to be spoken
I believe in myself
And know there is much I can still achieve
I believe in my value to others
That''s why I can still believe

Edited due to the letters being too damn small to read what I was typing.. apologies for typos

< Message edited by stella41b -- 5/10/2008 10:55:32 PM >

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 11:24:38 PM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline 		This was a very nice post, Gwyn.  i am hoping that your self-realizations will help you to have what you are seeking.  As for me, where matters of the heart are concerned, i have never been a very practical person.  i have always thrown myself into a relationship, given it all that i had to give, and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, that technique hasn't usually paid off for me, in terms of finding that one true and everlasting relationship.  Although, now, i really think that my efforts might finally being working, as my Master and i are over the two-year mark and are now looking at houses.  That, and He has told me recently that He has decided to rescind my option to be able to ask Him for a release.  That tells me that He wants to keep me around.
 
As far as searching for that ideal mate goes, several years ago i was engaged to marry a nice guy, and he decided to call off the wedding.  When i asked him why, his answer was, "I'm worried that I will marry you and then the girl of my dreams will come into my life."  So, instead of having someone who would do whatever he wanted, he got nothing.  Well, maybe by now his 'dream girl' has come into his life.
 
And, as my Master said to me, "Sometimes we look for something that is impossible to find, and when we least expect it, something else comes into our lives and we find there is always new love in our hearts."
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

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RE: Realizations - 5/10/2008 11:43:01 PM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		There has to be balance.

I have probably spent too much of my life allowing "reasonable" compromises to take up my valuable time. I am very tempted to use the phrase "waste my time" here, but that might be going too far. But it comes closer to the truth of how I feel about it. It's not that the people I was involved with were bad people. They weren't. I am still good friends with a number of them. But I allowed my time to be "wasted" because the situations weren't quite right for me. And that's a trap too, allowing otherwise wonderful people to keep one from a situation or path that suits one better. I was in a cage of my own creation, but a very comfortable cage too.

I did spend some time here looking for the right situation. And as many complain, many are here for all kinds of stupid, obscure, poorly thought out reasons. Ninnies and time-wasters, one and all. But I did also finally meet someone worthwhile, so jackpot!

I'm in a very solid relationship now. And while there are ups and downs at times, I do feel that it's a very good fit for me. I am profoundly contented with my slave. And sure, while it's true that we are working on some improvements to our situation it is still a very, very good relationship right now. And I see it getting better. I can see the trajectory of it very clearly. And this is the relationship I kept myself from finding by being too willing to compromise before.

So now I want what I want and don't mind insisting upon it. Simply by choosing freedom, I freed myself.

I am sure this has a lot do with that old Apollonian exortation to: "Know Thyself."


< Message edited by SugarMyChurro -- 5/10/2008 11:44:55 PM >

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 12:08:17 AM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		Two things I liked about the post above:

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy
...as my Master and i are over the two-year mark and are now looking at houses.  That, and He has told me recently that He has decided to rescind my option to be able to ask Him for a release.


My slave and I are approaching a three year mark soon. I have told her that she would have to beg release for a very long time before I would grant it to her and she has agreed to be bound by my decision. It's a bit of a joke really, it's simply not going to happen - she'll not beg for release and I won't grant it even if she did. Win-win.



quote:

ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy
Well, maybe by now his 'dream girl' has come into his life.


Perfect attitude. Why should you care either way? Happy or unhappy, it's all on him now isn't it?

To each their own...

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 12:15:01 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		i am about to start writing out my 4th step (searching and fearless moral inventory)....i have spent the past week praying and meditating, tomorrow i am getting a tattoo that is a very important part of the process for me it will be this script on the inside of my right forearm so that i can read it...
"He order his angels
      to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
      their job is to keep you from falling
                                     Ps. 91:11-12"
(The Message version)

anyway, there is a relationships section...ask me when i am done with my 5th step...

chelle


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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 2:16:00 AM   
Smith117


Posts: 1447
Status: offline 		I'm up late and bored....why not.

I've had many realizations over the years. The biggest, recently, was that I just may not be cut out for a 'relationship.'

It's odd, I spent the first part of my life seeking "the one." In fact, I used to 'subconciously' base the whole of my worth on whether or not I'd found that 'one.' It made for a very hollow existence. Then, I relaxed, started dating here and there. Of course by dating, I mean moving from relationship to relationship. Not from one to the other, of course. There were down times in between.

It was after getting burned this last time that I realized I may not be 'meant' for a relationship. Two exes ago, I was burned BADLY....and basically robbed of a large sum of cash. However, even before that relationship went bad, (I was dumped, for the record) I began to notice changes in me. I wasn't upset that relationship ended per se, only about the money. You see, before the relationship ended I recall, VERY distinctly, lying in her bed one night, starring up at the ceiling unable to sleep. I had one thought repeating in my mind......"Hmm, if I were in my own bed right now, and couldn't sleep, I could get up and play that new game I just bought."

I didn't think about that thought until after my most recent ex. That one ended on my terms. It wasn't working and I called it like I saw it. We tried, but early mistakes led to it being an impossibility.

The end of that one, though, led to my further realization that love doesn't really exist. Notice my name on here? It ain't smitth in real life.....I picked it because of "Smith" from the Matrix. Particularly due to his speech in the end of the third movie where he's kicking Neo's ass and yet Neo continues to get up. He says:

quote:


"Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more that your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose. And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love. You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?"


Morbid? Perhaps. But it's the way I see it lately. Sure, I love my family, I love my friends in a...friendly sort of way, and I love my car. And I love my games and movies. But I don't think I can honestly look into a chick's eyes and tell her I love her again. Nor can I believe it if she said it to me, especially since the ones I've met that *did* say it to me ended up being proven to be lying or wanting something from me.

So based on that, and based on the thoughts that run through my mind while lying next to a 'girlfriend' (which admittedly could have just been a by-product of my not gaming for awhile), I have to say I'm not cut out for a relationship.

I suppose that's why I continue to leave a profile on a kink site. Some of the kinks I am into don't require traditional relationship parameters.

The advantage of my new 'outlook' is simplicity. If I want something, I go buy it. I come and go when I want and I do what I want. I keep myself just as happy as I feel the need to be, and I don't have to deal with all the extra bullshit.

Damn I'm wordy.

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 4:12:37 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		My strong need to protect myself from possible emotional pain has also meant that I have prevented myself from experiencing love. 

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 4:57:09 AM   
Raechard


Posts: 3513
Joined: 3/10/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?

What did you do to overcome it?

after all it took me 17 years to formulate and discard my notions... hopefuly this will help someone.

Gwyn,
Who could be living in Bermuda right now... or in a castle in Germany... or Married with a gaggle of kids and a very handsome hubby... or.. oh hell. I will just stop there.


I’ve always worked on the basis that lust will ultimately lead to love because love is the stage where you like the things about a person that another person wouldn’t even notice or would find a total turn off. I’ve never really believed in love at first sight because that would imply simply looking at a person means you have an instant understanding of who they are and what they enjoy.

In my life thus far I think I have experienced two types of romantic love; one was a girl at work which I let slip through my fingers out of shyness and the refusal to mix business and pleasure, which was just an excuse to mask my fears. I suppose I’m going to contradict myself slightly now because although I said I didn’t believe in love at first sight I didn’t really take the time to get to know her and a lot of the things I loved about her where probably fabrications in my mind of who I thought she could be as I watched her smile from afar. She was this person to me that was perfect and I was scared that any advance I made would be rejected, so in the end I didn’t even try and that was tragic.

The other type of love I mentioned represents all the people beyond my reach in one form or another. Similar kinds of love where you can see someone is special but they belong elsewhere.

I’m still trying the lust approach; I know it is shallow but I believe it is by divine intentional design what is supposed to draw us to people so that we get a chance to find out more about who they really are. I don’t think love is finding someone with similar belief systems to yourself either I think it is finding someone whose approach to life you can respect and gives you a new way of seeing things.

In answer to the ‘what have I done to overcome my notion of what love is’ question I haven’t really tried yet and I think anyone that believes they have overcome their original ideas will find the same ideas slowly creeping up on them again in some point in the future. I think the way we approach things is fundamental to whom we are and we can only pretend to ourselves we can change that approach. These things are hardwired we all need some basic programming that we use to figure out problems and love is the biggest problem of all.


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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 5:00:05 AM   
batshalom


Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?



quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

My strong need to protect myself from possible emotional pain has also meant that I have prevented myself from experiencing love. 


That's from where my realization has come. It was my hobble for many years. I went to therapy. That helped some. But the main way I overcame it was to step out of myself and look at myself from someone else's pov (thanks, King).

I realized that I am just fine by myself, being alone is better than settling, and that not everyone is going to like me ... which is totally ok! The kick is, though, that I have to be open to love when it happens instead of trapped in the notion that it's only going to hurt. For me, that means being strong in who and what I am, taking pride in who and what I am, and letting the rest fall where it will.

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 5:10:25 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am a piece of work.   Think I am fragmented thoughts on the board?  It is worse face to face.

On being kept.   No. I had a bf that acted like $20 was holding the world up.  I would not want that to be needed.

Where I errord, in my 30s I was aggressive  at dating.    Men have a way of asking one out with out saying those words. I was too dumb to say yes.

Back to me.  Out of 100 guys,  maybe 3 would be mentally stimulating, masculine enuff to be attractive, but gay enough to be fun.

So Gwen,  you missed dirty socks thrown everywhere.   Let someone else do his laundry.   There is beauty in enjoying self. :-)

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RE: Realizations - 5/11/2008 7:27:19 AM   
Gwynvyd


Posts: 4949
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

It took a lot for me to decide to type it.. and then to actualy type it.


It was gutsy of you. It's hard to open up, to others and to ourselves, sometimes.
 
It was crushing at first.. I looked at all of the good men I flat out turned down...  I crippled any chance of happiness. I must have been punishing myself. No more of that silliness.


quote:

Made me sad at all the people I missed out on. All of the wonderful things I could have experianced.

But not wanting to "settle for temporary" I did myself a huge dis- service.. and I judged others unfairly. As well as myself.


There is a picture in my head of how my life should, or needs, to be. This includes my love life. And I've used that to distance myself from an awful lot. Now... I don't think that's always a bad thing. Surely, some nasty shit has been avoided, along with some potentially fantastic times.
 
But, lately, I've been doing some soul-searching. Shit, I always do that.... but moreso, now. There are some medical questions that have made me try to focus on what I want, and need, and there is the ever-dawning realization that someone I love isn't right for me, and vice versa. Talk about your clusterfucks.
 
I don't know, Gwyn. I feel like The Answer is right there, but I can't quite put my hands on it. Can't quite see it, yet.





Soul searching is always good. If we didnt do that we would be just like the other zombies stumbling about our lives making the same mistakes over and over again.
 
My life was supposed to be *so* different and I think that is why I am so pissed at myself.. and so bloody fustrated. All of this is created by me. But there is nothing I can do about it now.. but move forward. Stop the old patterns, and do my best to just.. do my best from here on out.
 
I hope you find your truth, and what it is you realy need. It is a hard realization. Waking up this morning was not pleasant.
 
*hugs*


Gwyn

_____________________________

Self avowed Geek-Girl~
Come for the boobs, stay for the brains.

Be the kinda woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says "Oh shit, shes awake..."
~ Softandshy's "Shiney"

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