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ORIGINAL: DomKen

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?

What did you do to overcome it?

I'm home alone tonight, pet is out of town on business, so I guess I'll take a trip down melancholy lane with you.

I spent 15 or 20 years of my life looking for a 'soul mate.' A woman who'd be my perfect match. I let a wonderful woman walk away because I wouldn't compromise on having kids. I spent 5 years trying to get a woman I adored to enjoy enough power exchange to let me not have that need bothering me all the time.

I've had to accept that I'm not likely to find that perfect match. I have to learn to accept the really good match and be happy but I'm really having trouble with that.

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ORIGINAL: stella41b

Big hug to the OP..

I turn 42 in July this year.

Of this:

The first 17 years spent in fears and confusion...
The first 32 years never really knowing who I really was.
A little over 41 years of being afraid of myself, of showing everyone the real me.. and living the right way for me..

So much of this hidden within.. masks are useful..

It was the news of my death of my father last year and the subsequent permanent separation from half of my family which released me from the fears of rejection and emotional blackmail.. and the clarity of vision which brought that realization that I never once3 challenged, I never once questioned, and I held myself deep inside an an emotional hostage and prisoner all those years.

I deceived myself, through this others, most saw through this of course, but I could never find the words to explain what I felt inside, what I was afraid of.. when it was platonic it was okay, but when they got so close I felt unsure, scared, stifled, and I left.

I gave so much, but often didn't give the right things, find the right words.. Leaving broke a few hearts.. I never gave enough chances to others. It was good, but it could have been better.

Part of me feels so stupid for writing this.. maybe I should delete it.. But no.. So many here know what's been going on, and a few have been giving me support on the other side, for which I am truly grateful.. No more hiding.

Even since last November things have been difficult, but they're better, I'm rebuilding, I feel better than I have ever felt, I know I need to reach out more, give people more chances, come out of myself more, somehow try and find that confidence.

You see for so long I've been looking for support from someone else, thinking that it would make things easier for me, for her, for us. Support here in the emottonal support sense, and I would go off, find someone, anyone, just for that support. But maybe that support isn't support, but validation? What then? If it is validation, then am I really overcoming my own fears or simply kidding myself that I am? Who's fooling who here?

My support has been staring me in my face for so many years, for so long, it is my work, my artistic work. It is my creativity, it is my stability in my instability, my consistency in my inconsistency, and having realized this, things have changed, I'm still building, taking it slowly, but I know every step is a step in the right direction.

I've been waiting for that better me to emerge, but hey, I'm me, I'm the imperfect me, that's how it is, and how it will be.

What have I done to overcome it? By giving and sharing myself more, and also:

I put my belief in tomorrow
Though in my yesterdays I once felt pain
I put my belief in love
Hoping it will touch me again
I put my belief in believing
Though I know my heart has been broken
I put my belief in trust
Waiting for gentle words to be spoken
I believe in myself
And know there is much I can still achieve
I believe in my value to others
That''s why I can still believe

Edited due to the letters being too damn small to read what I was typing.. apologies for typos

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ORIGINAL: slavegirljoy

This was a very nice post, Gwyn.  i am hoping that your self-realizations will help you to have what you are seeking.  As for me, where matters of the heart are concerned, i have never been a very practical person.  i have always thrown myself into a relationship, given it all that i had to give, and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, that technique hasn't usually paid off for me, in terms of finding that one true and everlasting relationship.  Although, now, i really think that my efforts might finally being working, as my Master and i are over the two-year mark and are now looking at houses.  That, and He has told me recently that He has decided to rescind my option to be able to ask Him for a release.  That tells me that He wants to keep me around.
 
As far as searching for that ideal mate goes, several years ago i was engaged to marry a nice guy, and he decided to call off the wedding.  When i asked him why, his answer was, "I'm worried that I will marry you and then the girl of my dreams will come into my life."  So, instead of having someone who would do whatever he wanted, he got nothing.  Well, maybe by now his 'dream girl' has come into his life.
 
And, as my Master said to me, "Sometimes we look for something that is impossible to find, and when we least expect it, something else comes into our lives and we find there is always new love in our hearts."
 
joy
Owned servant of Master David

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone

My strong need to protect myself from possible emotional pain has also meant that I have prevented myself from experiencing love. 

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ORIGINAL: batshalom

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
So I guess my question to you all is.. have you or *do* you have some pre-concived notion of how love, or your romantic life is supposed to turn out that has held you back, or might be holding you back now?

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone

My strong need to protect myself from possible emotional pain has also meant that I have prevented myself from experiencing love. 

That's from where my realization has come. It was my hobble for many years. I went to therapy. That helped some. But the main way I overcame it was to step out of myself and look at myself from someone else's pov (thanks, King).

I realized that I am just fine by myself, being alone is better than settling, and that not everyone is going to like me ... which is totally ok! The kick is, though, that I have to be open to love when it happens instead of trapped in the notion that it's only going to hurt. For me, that means being strong in who and what I am, taking pride in who and what I am, and letting the rest fall where it will.

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ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

I am a piece of work.   Think I am fragmented thoughts on the board?  It is worse face to face.

On being kept.   No. I had a bf that acted like $20 was holding the world up.  I would not want that to be needed.

Where I errord, in my 30s I was aggressive  at dating.    Men have a way of asking one out with out saying those words. I was too dumb to say yes.

Back to me.  Out of 100 guys,  maybe 3 would be mentally stimulating, masculine enuff to be attractive, but gay enough to be fun.

So Gwen,  you missed dirty socks thrown everywhere.   Let someone else do his laundry.   There is beauty in enjoying self. :-)

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ORIGINAL: Level

*hugssssssss Gwyn*
 
I hope the same for you.
 
A question for any wishing to answer....... is being with someone you enjoy, but isn't a "soulmate" settling, or is it enjoying what you have, while you have it? What if that "one" shows up...... this brings to mind Bridges of Madison County..... do you bite the bullet, like Streep did, or try for what might be the ultimate relationship for yourself?
 
Things like this make me wonder if the poly folks might have the right idea....

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ORIGINAL: batshalom

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ORIGINAL: wandersalone

My strong need to protect myself from possible emotional pain has also meant that I have prevented myself from experiencing love. 

I realized that I am just fine by myself, being alone is better than settling, and that not everyone is going to like me ... which is totally ok! The kick is, though, that I have to be open to love when it happens instead of trapped in the notion that it's only going to hurt. For me, that means being strong in who and what I am, taking pride in who and what I am, and letting the rest fall where it will.

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd
There is emotional pain no matter what we do. It is "the Human condition" it would seem. Some times it just hurts more.
as they say all knowledge is good to have. at least with relationship pain sometimes it teaches us lessons if we are smart enough to learn from it.
Good luck out there sweetie.
Gwyn

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

Hmm what scene in shrek? ( love the movies.. I got the red hair ya know! )

and yes honey that did answer it... *hugs*

Gwyn

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ORIGINAL: Level

*hugssssssss Gwyn*
 
I hope the same for you.
 
A question for any wishing to answer....... is being with someone you enjoy, but isn't a "soulmate" settling, or is it enjoying what you have, while you have it? What if that "one" shows up...... this brings to mind Bridges of Madison County..... do you bite the bullet, like Streep did, or try for what might be the ultimate relationship for yourself?
 
Things like this make me wonder if the poly folks might have the right idea....

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ORIGINAL: Gwynvyd

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ORIGINAL: Level

*hugssssssss Gwyn*
 
I hope the same for you.
 
A question for any wishing to answer....... is being with someone you enjoy, but isn't a "soulmate" settling, or is it enjoying what you have, while you have it? What if that "one" shows up...... this brings to mind Bridges of Madison County..... do you bite the bullet, like Streep did, or try for what might be the ultimate relationship for yourself?
 
Things like this make me wonder if the poly folks might have the right idea....

I did find my soulmate.. but the bugger is married. We thought about giving it a go.. tried to get his wife on board.. but the shrew wouldnt go for it.. and threatened all sorts of unpleantness if we stayed even friends. He currently lives within walking distance of my new place. ~ it was a driving point of my reflections last night.

I couldnt hurt him by having to put up with her crazy routine.. and he didnt want to hurt her. We love one another beyond all reason. But unless she sets out infront of a city bus.. it is a no go. For a while there I had Acme on speed dial for a anvil air drop delivery. but I simply gave up. My soul mate for this go round is taken up by an awful woman. I am screwed.

Maybe we get more then one? the universe couldnt be that cruel could they?

Gwyn