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[Poll]

Fidelity

I'm male and have cheated on a partner

6% (14)

I'm male and have not cheated

5% (12)

I'm female and have cheated

22% (46)

I'm female and have not cheated

14% (29)

Male and would never cheat

3% (7)

Male and would cheat possibly

1% (4)

Female and would never cheat

12% (25)

Female and would possibly cheat

3% (8)

Cheating is human and forgivable

18% (38)

Cheating is unforgivable

11% (23)

Total Votes : 206

(last vote on : 5/28/2008 5:37:11 PM)
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RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 7:40:04 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

quote:

ownedgirlie quote"

I think cheating most occurs when one is not allowed to be true to oneself - not just sexually but in every way.

Amen

if someone finds him/herself in a relationship when they are not "allowed" to be true to themselves the first truth they need to deal with is mending/ending the relationship.

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Post #: 41

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 7:45:24 AM

domahpet

Posts: 1505
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Santa Rosa
Status: offline

i find it amazing that only 3 men on these boards have cheated
(or will admit to it)

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Post #: 42

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 7:55:55 AM

cjan

Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

sirsholly quote:

if someone finds him/herself in a relationship when they are not "allowed" to be true to themselves the first truth they need to deal with is mending/ending the relationship.

I have found, in my past experience, holly, that that can be one side of the coin. Sometimes, for various ( and , yes, fucked up reasons ) we don't "allow" ourselves to be true to, ummm, ourselves ( channeling Austin Powrs).Until we learn from experience how destructive that can be.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti

(in reply to domahpet)

Post #: 43

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 8:07:17 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KMsAngel

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I don't know how to answer this poll. I never cheated in my marriage when I considered us married. But we are not legally divorced. But we do not consider ourselves still married and have been estranged for 3 and 1/2 years. So I guess it depends on what you define as being married.

hmmm interesting. i was separated for 3 years. the first two and a half years he was adamant that he did not want a divorce, but didn't seem to be interested in working on the marriage. when the divorce papers came through, he put our separation date as the date he felt the marriage was over (contrary to what he led me to believe) - which is probably why he never felt he cheated on me. i feel/felt that he was exceedingly dishonest with me.

i'm assuming that in your case the official separation officially ended the marriage for the two of you? if not, does HE feel the marriage is over as well?

Kitten it just come down to this,if one or the other isn't finding what they need in a relationship then the need to do some thing about it keeps knawing at you heart and conversationn between the two of you can't clear it up, there are two choices as I see it,one is to move on and the other if children is involved then you try to work it out and if not then you must fill the need..Cheating isn't for everyone the guilt that has come with it is just that some of us can't handle either..My first marriage was 23 years long and for the first ten years I was too busy with work and family to even think about another woman,12 hour days are enough to make you go straight home and fall asleep in your chair,but as time went on I was finding what I was needing with the kids and her home making my time diminished as time when on ..so I made the mistake of falling off the wagon a mistake I regret every day but thats in the past..Did learn my lesson you bet I went out and found a woman open to poly and I have been happy with this situation as is she.. cheating is one of the deadly sins and we all shall attone for this mistake one day for sure...BH

_____________________________

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(in reply to KMsAngel)

Post #: 44

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 8:10:59 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I've discovered over the years that MOST humans need more than one sex partner in order to be happy. That goes for females and males alike. Cheating is forgivable even though it does hurt at first. When I found out my ex-husband was cheating instead of getting angry I said lets have an open marriage, you do your thing and I'll do mine. It was the best decision that I had ever made except for the fact that he could deal with him having other sex partners, he just didn't want me to have any others. So I said its time for a divorce and we did.

In my relationship now its understood that at any time I can take on another sex partner and he has to accept it without complaint. Which I doubt he would complain as he would benefit from it too, I would never exclude him.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

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Post #: 45

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 8:15:13 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I would never cheat, and I would likely not forgive cheating. My definition of cheating, though, is not the typical other sex partners period. When the relationship was open with Angel, I never cheated becasue he knew about all the partners I considered and he didnt object. With Fox, someone outside of the 3 of us is cheating, so I am not looking for anything else.
My exhusband cheated with hookers. I might have been able to forgive it had it been an actua relationship he wanted to follow, and someone he met and connected with. He and I had been rocky by then anyway and I had feelings for someone else but I hadnt considered letting it go anywhere since I mistakenly thought we were going to work things out. His idea of working things out was to have as much sex as he could while he was away so he wouldnt want to when he was home and didnt give me the idea he still wanted me. I could have opened the marriage at that point, but he ruined that, which is why I am so against cheating now.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 46

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 8:22:57 AM

LydiaLuv

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

If there is something wrong with my relationship and I feel I have to cheat. Its time to say bye bye and re-evaluate.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 47

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 8:42:06 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

What about damage to self? I believe any time you do something you know is wrong, you damage yourself. (Just my opinion!) The lack of self control has to measure on us consciously or subconsciously, it seems to me.

You may be able to forgive yourself; for me, I find it impossible to forget the wrongs I've perpetrated knowingly.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

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Post #: 48

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 9:13:54 AM

SleepyDom

Posts: 118
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

In my relationship now its understood that at any time I can take on another sex partner and he has to accept it without complaint. Which I doubt he would complain as he would benefit from it too, I would never exclude him.

So is he bi or straight and forced to participate with another male? I can see why he wouldn't mind if it was a girl. And I assume this isn't a poly situation (long term relationships) but just sexual encounters here and there?

I ask because I've considered poly before and the one question that kept bothering me is the inequality of sexual partners in the above kind of scenario. Ok, I can have any sexual partner I want and force my girl/girls to participate or not as I desire. But what about them? I can say they're having multiple sex partners too because I would force bi on them and they might come to enjoy that if only from the submissive turn-on, but that's not exactly the same as having multiple sex partners you want. If it's true, as you say, that most need multiple sex partners to be happy, then one might argue that the subs/slaves need sex partners that THEY desire as well, not the ones that the Dom desires or forces on them. This would only be an issue with straight subs/slaves as bi slaves will get their desires met from the girls. But I'm not sure how much of an issue this is for the subs, given their pleasure comes from the submissive mindset, not sexual variety, so maybe as long as they're getting their sexual needs met the lack of male variety wouldn't be much of an issue. I don't know. Hmmm, maybe I should've started a new thread.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 49

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 9:21:07 AM

LadyRainfire

Posts: 6040
Joined: 2/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: SleepyDom

It's not the cheating but the lying that I cannot forgive, because once trust is destroyed there's no relationship. And I DO have a problem with marriage, in that monogamy is encouraged, even expected, which only increases cheating because of strong sexual desires. If monogamy was expected only of those so inclined, then there would be a lot less cheating, a lot less lying, a lot less sexual repression.

There is so much truth to that statement. And unfortuantely, many of us get married in our early 20s when we are still too full of the ideas that have been fed to us, and do not fully know our own wants, desires and needs yet. I used to say marriage should be illegal before the age of 30.

Infidelity isn't the only thing that creates enormous pain and distrust in marriage, but it's the one bandwagon everyone jumps on and holds on tightly to. My husband cheated on me, but not with another partner. He cheated me of being the husband he vowed to be. Emotional abuse, extended unemployment and dispassion were his partners on the side, that competed with our marriage. It's funny, because I used to wish it was another woman - at least that would be something I understood.

In the end I cheated on him. I'm not proud of it, but I don't regret it. And once a cheater NOT always a cheater. I have never even had the desire to cheat on my Master. I think cheating most occurs when one is not allowed to be true to oneself - not just sexually but in every way.

Amen, ownedgirlie!! I thought I was ready for marriage at 21 and perhaps I was in some ways but not in others. There was no way I knew how to cope with the very things you mention of emotional abuse and extended unemployment, things you didn't like his mental illness and manipulative family, all while raising 3 young babies and myself.

Like a couple of other posters here, I would wonder at the definition of "cheating" since i was faithful to my husband during the marriage itself. It wasn't until we agreed that the marriage wasn't working and separated that I was with someone else. But we weren't divorced. Is that cheating? I don't think so. And I have no desires or plans to cheat on Lumus since no man does for me what he does. Simply put, why go elsewhere when he fulfills all my needs and wants?

Monogamy works for us - that's our choice.

_____________________________

"Desire is an insatiable beast. Sample your strongest dreams, and you will only crave more." ~ Master

~ one half of "L&L"~

My current state of mind

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 50

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 9:27:41 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

quote:

ownedgirlie quote"

I think cheating most occurs when one is not allowed to be true to oneself - not just sexually but in every way.

Amen

if someone finds him/herself in a relationship when they are not "allowed" to be true to themselves the first truth they need to deal with is mending/ending the relationship.

You're right! And if only we could all make our first steps into adulthood with all the tools we need, some of us could recognize this early, rather than far later, when more damage has been done.

Why did you put "allowed" in quotes? By doing so, you seem to be making assumptions from the start, without asking for any clarifications at all. Even though you didn't ask, I will clarify. In my case, I was in a relationship that began in my teens, in which I thought my drive to submit (something I didn't understand at all) was being fed, not recognizing that I was being bullied and abused instead. So, the boundaries of my relationship did not allow me to explore what my submission really was, and what it really meant. They did not allow me to grow and learn and discover the person I was meant to be. And because of my strong Christian views at the time (which I no longer hold), all the counsel I sought kept telling me the same thing - submit to and obey your husband. There was no option to end the relationship, and "mending" it, according to all I had been learning (albeit incorrectly) meant "fixing" myself and getting over this mental illness I must have, which causes me to want to be spanked and other terrible things.

I really and sincerely am glad for those who know exactly who they are so early in life, and who are given the right direction when seeking help. Unfortunately for me it took 20 years into adulthood to figure that out, and not without a lot of unnecessary pain and poorly prescribed medications.

If only I had come here first, for all the answers on how well equipped I should have been to deal with it!!

Instead, I met someone who helped me open doors into myself, and I could no longer keep fighting who I was - - only then did I find the confidence and strength to leave the marriage. Oddly enough, my ex husband doesn't recognize the divorce. A union sanctified by God can not be broken by man, he says. In his eyes, we're still married and I'm still cheating on him. Go figure.

When I told both my mother and my mother-in-law that I had cheated on my husband, they both said the same thing, to my surprise - - "You waited too long."

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 51

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 9:44:23 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

Owned...i put allowed in quotes because i had more to add to my post but my UM decided i had spent far too much time at the computer already.

I take "allowed" to mean different things to different people. It can be repression from the spouse or it can be personal fear that does not permit us to fulfill our own needs. Or in your case, a little religious repression tossed in. It sounds to me as if you battled all three at the same time?

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

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Post #: 52

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 10:01:19 AM

Cuffkinks

Posts: 1780
Joined: 5/5/2004
Status: offline

"Male and would never cheat."

It's just not My style. I've been in "exclusive" relationships before, and I never strayed. I don't believe in cheating. That's why I spent so much time by Myself. I kept things casual so I wouldn't have to lie or cheat. I was very happy that way. I was alone but never lonely. Then I met the perfect woman for Me. I'm in a wonderful relationship that fulfills Me in every way, so there's no need to cheat.
Having said that...My little girl actually thinks the idea of Me fucking another woman, or better yet...Dominating and fucking another woman is hot. So, I've got the best of both worlds. If I ever get the urge for variety, then it's as I told her: Anything I was going to do behind your back would be so much more fun if you were there.
That's My story and I'm sticking to it.

_____________________________

Resident "11"

"I love you, Sir. You make my heart sing and my panties wet. What more could a girl ask for?" - hejira92

"And that's why it's good to be...Me." - Gene $immons

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Post #: 53

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 10:03:37 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

Owned...i put allowed in quotes because i had more to add to my post but my UM decided i had spent far too much time at the computer already.
I take "allowed" to mean different things to different people. It can be repression from the spouse or it can be personal fear that does not permit us to fulfill our own needs. Or in your case, a little religious repression tossed in. It sounds to me as if you battled all three at the same time?

Hi Holly, thanks for your reply, and it seems it was I who was making assumptions then. I apologize. So often we see words in quotes when someone doesn't agree with the use it is being given. I took your quotes to mean that.

And you are absolutely right - I battled all three at the same time. To my amazement, when in therapy after the fact (after I left the spouse), I realized the biggest offender in all of that was ME - that I allowed it to happen. Whoa, that was a doozey to bite off and chew, and it took a very long time to swallow. I allowed it to happen because I didn't have the tools not to allow it to happen, but I still had to forgive myself for it, and for thinking it was OK to be treated that way.

Don Miguel Ruiz teaches, in his book "The Mastery of Love" that we allow people to treat us the way we think we deserve to be treated. So I had to learn why I thought I deserved all of that.

This is veering WAY off topic now (sort of...or is it?), but I wanted to illustrate there are sometimes complexities that are overlooked when deciding what others should do for themselves. Your original post was right, and I agree with you. Unfortunately some of us are really late bloomers to this thing called life, and make a ton of mistakes along the way.

I appreciate the nature of your post. Thank you. :)

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 54

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 10:05:07 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuffkinks
Anything I was going to do behind your back would be so much more fun if you were there.

This is one of the coolest things I have read on CollarMe. I love what you two have!

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to Cuffkinks)

Post #: 55

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 10:57:12 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Our genes also predispose us to eat sweet foods, but do you have this tolerant a view towards someone who stuffs themselves with cookies and ice cream until they are housebound at 600 pounds? We are more than the cravings of our genes. Or should be.

Yes..... but is that a case of comparing apples and oranges? (Or cookies and cumming?)

Nope.

You're saying that men should cheat because they are instinctively driven to do so. I asked about another instinctive drive. If it's legitimate to do one thing for no reason other than our genes push us to do so, then why isn't it a legitimate excuse when it comes to other instinctive drives?

Because cheating isn't hazardous to your health,unless your spouse catches you and ballooning up to 300 pounds definitely is..BH

AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, clamydia, HPV etc aren't hazardous to your health. At least if I overeat the only one I can hurt is me? Passing on stds is injurious to all of your partners.

I didn't spell check and I know some of the above are spelled wrongly.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 5/20/2008 10:58:07 AM >

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Post #: 56

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 11:03:24 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

You are assuming that safe sex wasn't involved, you know what you get when you assume right....bounty

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 57

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 11:29:45 AM

hejira92

Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: SleepyDom

It's not the cheating but the lying that I cannot forgive, because once trust is destroyed there's no relationship. And I DO have a problem with marriage, in that monogamy is encouraged, even expected, which only increases cheating because of strong sexual desires. If monogamy was expected only of those so inclined, then there would be a lot less cheating, a lot less lying, a lot less sexual repression.

There is so much truth to that statement. And unfortuantely, many of us get married in our early 20s when we are still too full of the ideas that have been fed to us, and do not fully know our own wants, desires and needs yet. I used to say marriage should be illegal before the age of 30.

Infidelity isn't the only thing that creates enormous pain and distrust in marriage, but it's the one bandwagon everyone jumps on and holds on tightly to. My husband cheated on me, but not with another partner. He cheated me of being the husband he vowed to be. Emotional abuse, extended unemployment and dispassion were his partners on the side, that competed with our marriage. It's funny, because I used to wish it was another woman - at least that would be something I understood.

In the end I cheated on him. I'm not proud of it, but I don't regret it. And once a cheater NOT always a cheater. I have never even had the desire to cheat on my Master. I think cheating most occurs when one is not allowed to be true to oneself - not just sexually but in every way.

Once again, you sum up my marriage so much better than I. Were you there?

I had to highlight the line about not being your true self. That is exactly how it was for me. And I know, NOW, that I should have gotten out years before I did (it took HIS infidelity- not that I really cared, but he decided he wanted to be with her- to end our marriage). I felt I had made my bed, he wasn't physically abusive, he loved our kids and I believed in kids having two parents. So, I stayed.

Now, what I have with Master is ideal. He is more naturally monogamous than I, but within our relationship, He allows me the freedom to be more ME- in every way- than ever before. I have no desire or inclination to cheat. ( Watching HIM with another woman, well, He already discussed that...) What could anyone possibly offer me that is valuable enough to threaten the most amazing thing I have ever known?

I need a choice of - Female, will never cheat again.

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 58

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 11:56:31 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

He is my submissive and as he says he will do what I tell him to do. He is definiately bi-curious. He has been involved in a triad before he met me so it wouldn't be the first time and he is very open minded sexually. He knows that people need a variety of things in life. If he came to me and wanted and to have sex with X person I would consider it, but granting it would be my decision as I am the Dominant.

I feel this way he knew when he got involved with me who the Dominant was, ME. I make the rules and he has agreed to them if at any time he feels he cannot live with them anymore he knows he can ask for release and I will grant it.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to SleepyDom)

Post #: 59

RE: Fidelity - 5/20/2008 12:04:11 PM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KMsAngel

quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

I don't know how to answer this poll. I never cheated in my marriage when I considered us married. But we are not legally divorced. But we do not consider ourselves still married and have been estranged for 3 and 1/2 years. So I guess it depends on what you define as being married.

hmmm interesting. i was separated for 3 years. the first two and a half years he was adamant that he did not want a divorce, but didn't seem to be interested in working on the marriage. when the divorce papers came through, he put our separation date as the date he felt the marriage was over (contrary to what he led me to believe) - which is probably why he never felt he cheated on me. i feel/felt that he was exceedingly dishonest with me.

i'm assuming that in your case the official separation officially ended the marriage for the two of you? if not, does HE feel the marriage is over as well?

yes he does. We live in the same building in separate apartments to co-parent an um. We still work in partnership in raising our son and we are both fair. he is very helpful when i want to leave for vacations and when i see Sir. He says that Sir sounds like a nice guy. My son considers us divorced too. he isnt lied to. We tell him we will always be friends because we love him. I am going to be introducing my son to my Sir soon. I checked with my ex to see how he felt about he. There is no problem. We arent enemies. We are two people that share a kid and had a life and will always want the best for each other.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to KMsAngel)

Post #: 60

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