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Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:04:23 AM

subtee

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      “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”~W.C. Fields

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts about quitting BDSM, the lifestyle, D/s, M/s, however you term it. Specifically, I’d like to hear your story if you’ve returned to a “vanilla lifestyle” and then come back to BDSM. What caused you to go vanilla? What drove you to return? What was the interim vanilla experience like for you? Do you ever again feel like quitting?

Thank you for whatever you’re comfortable with sharing.

Tee

     “Of all the stratagems, to know when to quit is the best”~Chinese proverb

[I’ve gone through the archives; there are folks I respect here and now that I’d like to hear from.]

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:05:57 AM

xxblushesxx

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I guess it would be possible (but difficult) to quit the physical parts of it, but how do you quit how you feel and what you crave?

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:10:20 AM

Mostlyjaded

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I think that hit the nail right on the head there - you will ALWAYS crave it no matter how hard you try to be vanilla. I tried to live vanilla, ignoring what I needed and it tore my relationship apart. It's much healthier to admit what you are, what you need, and what you desire than to hold that inside.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:18:32 AM

OmegaG

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I see it in reverse, I tried vanilla relationships over and over again and they never worked, so I quit.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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Post #: 4

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:22:50 AM

akisha

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First time i quit per se was because I had no idea how to meet others. I was 17/18, living in a small town. other then my ex I didn't know anyone else into it. Heck I didn't even realize there was a huge "community so to speak" I went back into a normal relationship and just became more fustrated and resentful.

Second time I "quit" was because my partner/husband decided that we were no longer going to do such a thing. He wanted me to cut off all contact with everyone i knew that participated. I honestly tried for him but that plus a couple other reasons led to the end of our marriage.

I dated both nilla and non nilla guys and kept finding the nilla ones just couldn't understand me so I concentrated only on dating guys that were into what I was into. Much happier *S*

edited cause I can't type
wow missing an "r" really makes a word mean something else lol

< Message edited by akisha -- 5/28/2008 8:23:57 AM >

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:23:39 AM

wandersalone

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I have pretty much been as vanilla as they come for the past year or so due to other comittments. Every now and again I would go to a munch but not often. The vanilla life was me focused on work and my family whom I look after. I would be lying if I said I never thought about D/s whilst I was vanilla. During my hiatus I decided to work out what I wanted to do and where and so in July I am moving to Melbourne to do some sort of work and possibly dip my toe in the bdsm scene over there.......if they are not too scary.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:24:41 AM

RCdc

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It's not quitting. It's simply moving down the scale until it's the time to move back up it.

the.dark.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 8:59:45 AM

Missokyst

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Are you talking about the play and physical sensation? Cause I generally don't consider nilla, as a bad thing. People have different needs at different times. Any relationship I have had has been nilla in a lot of ways. I would cater to my mate whether or not I was being bound, tortured, flogged, or teased. I would cater to my mate because I tend to spoil my men.

Now, if you are talking about the bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism... my body finds its own level. When I am stressed out, bad stuff happens. I accidentally break toes, scissors miss their mark..ect, these things just happen to me when my masochistic tendency to settle myself, is not being managed by an outside source. In my life I have also been a cutter, which I can handle on my own but try to avoid that extreme.

BDSM is activity. Relationships are mental/emotional. If I am in a relationship it could be nilla and I would still be the same, catering, spoiling, worshiping, woman I am. I would miss the bondage, discipline, ect, but my maso needs can be met in unexpected ways.. at least enough to calm down temporarily.

Nilla for me is really being celibate. When I am not in a relationship, I have no outlet. I shop. I spend. I write, read, and create. I exist. And when things get really bad, I hope that some one or thing stops me from predictible behavior. So far I have been lucky. Because as far as I know there is only one way to stop being me.
Kyst

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:01:18 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mostlyjaded

I think that hit the nail right on the head there - you will ALWAYS crave it no matter how hard you try to be vanilla. I tried to live vanilla, ignoring what I needed and it tore my relationship apart. It's much healthier to admit what you are, what you need, and what you desire than to hold that inside.

Thanks for sharing this. It was destructive to try to suppress your feelings, it seems. Makes sense.

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Post #: 9

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:02:29 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

I see it in reverse, I tried vanilla relationships over and over again and they never worked, so I quit.

I love this, Omega. BDSM is for quitters!

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:18:41 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Are you talking about the play and physical sensation? Cause I generally don't consider nilla, as a bad thing. People have different needs at different times. Any relationship I have had has been nilla in a lot of ways. I would cater to my mate whether or not I was being bound, tortured, flogged, or teased. I would cater to my mate because I tend to spoil my men.

Now, if you are talking about the bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism... my body finds its own level. When I am stressed out, bad stuff happens. I accidentally break toes, scissors miss their mark..ect, these things just happen to me when my masochistic tendency to settle myself, is not being managed by an outside source. In my life I have also been a cutter, which I can handle on my own but try to avoid that extreme.

BDSM is activity. Relationships are mental/emotional. If I am in a relationship it could be nilla and I would still be the same, catering, spoiling, worshiping, woman I am. I would miss the bondage, discipline, ect, but my maso needs can be met in unexpected ways.. at least enough to calm down temporarily.

Nilla for me is really being celibate. When I am not in a relationship, I have no outlet. I shop. I spend. I write, read, and create. I exist. And when things get really bad, I hope that some one or thing stops me from predictible behavior. So far I have been lucky. Because as far as I know there is only one way to stop being me.
Kyst

I agree we have to be true to what we are. However, it seems to me it's about the dynamic and whether or not one can "go back" to a life in which it is not realized.

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Post #: 11

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:23:44 AM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

I have pretty much been as vanilla as they come for the past year or so due to other comittments. Every now and again I would go to a munch but not often. The vanilla life was me focused on work and my family whom I look after. I would be lying if I said I never thought about D/s whilst I was vanilla. During my hiatus I decided to work out what I wanted to do and where and so in July I am moving to Melbourne to do some sort of work and possibly dip my toe in the bdsm scene over there.......if they are not too scary.

Hi Wanders, thanks for your story; it is what I am interested in. Your hiatus allowed you to focus and so you didn't feel "other" in living vanilla? It sounds like what the.dark has described: an ebb and a flow, would you say that's right?

There are some very cool Aussies on CM; they're not too scary! I'd be willing to be you'll love it.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:24:35 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

It's not quitting. It's simply moving down the scale until it's the time to move back up it.

the.dark.

BINGO!!

(and I'm not just saying that because I adore you..LOL)

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Post #: 13

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:31:57 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
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Well, I guess that I never quit being vanilla to be kinky....so I can't really quit being kinky to be vanilla. I just am who I am.

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Post #: 14

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 9:37:06 AM

OmegaG

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to elucidate a bit more, it's cliche to say that I am what I am, but in this case it's true. When I was wandering through a vanilla world and acting and reacting in a relationship in ways that came without thinking, it tended to either cause tension in the relationship as the gentleman didn't understand that I liked to do little things to make his life more comfortable and I didn't expect reciprocation or it caused the guy I was with to become complacent and lazy and pretty soon I was simply doing damned near everything. Part of it can be explained through "The languages of Love" but unless someone understands the paradigm, they can't really ever feel comfortable in it.

Sexually, I just get to a point when there are no bells and whistles that my mind starts to wander and I just loose the emotional intimacy and I get to a point where it almost doesn't seem worth the effort. Not to say that every single time has to be a full blown sceen, but when sex becomes routine, almost scripted, I become apathetic.

So mine isn't really so much a choice of being vanilla or not, it's finding a like minded partner who can appreciate how I function and we both find fulfillment. If the outlet were to be denied to me entirely, at this point I'd choose to be solitary rather then try to make my square peg fit into the round hole.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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Post #: 15

RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 10:13:06 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

dont you have to actually be active in bdsm in order to quit?

im just wondering..cause i havent had the chance to be active...in the last 5 years.
most of you know why....so i wont repeat it.

i scare people remember...oh wait...not anyone in the forums tho...apparently. and the people in video chat think im hella hot...ya right..damn pervs.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 10:23:21 AM

Lashra

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Vanilla has its uses and yes at one time I did go back vanilla. I needed to step back away from D/s formally for awhile (Im dominant so no matter if its a formal D/s or not Im in charge). I needed the time to recooperate from a D/s relationship that went askew and so I took off many years. I dated vanilla men and it was ok but something was always missing and I decided to go back.

I am very happily involved with a malesub and have been for 4 years now. We plan to one day live together and maybe get married.

~Lashra

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 10:39:49 AM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
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i've just began in this lifestyle, so theres no quiting for me right now. i have dated vanilla men and last sunday spent the night with one. The whole time i thought come on take control. We played around and he thought i was insane for some of the things i liked done and heck i thought i kept it pretty normal. *sigh* That was a lesson for myself that i cant get serious with a nilla guy.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 10:57:58 AM

Owner4SexSlave

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Joined: 4/4/2007
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I've quit the lifestyle before, tried being more vanilla like, really did not work out so well.

I've been mulling things over a lot lately. Not an issue of being in/out of the lifestyle. I just need to be with somebody who is Open minded, into the Kink and sex, and who's personality and my domly personality can manage to work together well.

Guess what I'm trying to express, I don't think it's a matter of being in or out of the lifestyle, as much as it is being with somebody who is a match.

I do know this, I'm not gonna try to shove certain things about myself into a closet again for the sake of trying to conform to some strange vanilla standard.

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RE: Vanilla is for Quitters? - 5/28/2008 11:00:16 AM

BlackPhx

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My last marriage for all intents and purposes was vanilla without even the sex involved for the last 10 years of it. Two words made it possible for me to survive..Subliminate and Accidents. I ran for everyone else until exhaustion would drop me in bed for the night, get up and repaeat the next day. This included working Rape Crisis with midnight calls, taking care of everyone else around me (service not submission) and constantly having accidents..nothing serious, just broken toes, ripped up nails from the nail beds, 2nd degree burns that kind of thing.

Trust me..life with Master is better, but even wqhen you don't intend on it, you can get your fix in a vanilla life.

poenkitten

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Post #: 20

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