Do I deserve to be monogamous?

Do I deserve to be monogamous? (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 3:41:09 PM)
I suppose I could have asked this on the poly board but my reasoning in asking the question: Do I deserve to be monogamous? is really placed here because this is a question I am asking myself in unravelling whether or not I am monogamous. I certainly started out being monogamous: that is when I embarked upon serious relationships of the vamilla kind. I have been married three times and entered into each of these relationships hoping against all hope that 'he' would remain faithful and furthermore hoping against all hope that I could remain faithful. In other words I viewed straying as being outside of THE relationship and these have been some of my unrersolved conflicts: 1. I felt 'used' after I got evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? 2. I justified me straying on the basis of the evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? 3. 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. The fact that I was lying never occurred to me. My question is have you ever felt like this? 4. Although I know that bdsm is not in any way entirely centred nor indeed need necessarily be about being non-monogamous, it was not until I let go of those vanilla restrictions that I felt comfortable about being myself. In other words vanilla lifestyle has become and probably always was to me, a set of constraints imposed upon me. BUT at this moment in time giving myself the permission to be poly feels like giving myself an opt out clause: if I don't get satisfied by this dom then just grab another one on the side. actually phrasedlike that it's really not me being submissive at all. And sometimes it feels like I would be edging my bets: if I don't come up to scratch as a submissive then maybe I will be good enough for the other guy. In other words can i afford to be monogamous, out of choice. am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? Too many questionsI know: but have you ever felt like this?

CalifChick -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 3:47:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? If you have to ask that question, you are not in the right place to make that decision. Cali

kyraofMists -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 3:53:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CalifChick quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? If you have to ask that question, you are not in the right place to make that decision. Cali Exactly... poly is NOT about 'not being good enough'. Knight's Kyra

BitaTruble -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 3:55:14 PM)
~FR~ Honey, being monogamous isn't something you deserve.. it's something you decide. If that's what you decide you want/need, you are not obligated to settle for something else. If you want poly, you get to decide that as well. Set your main goal at finding someone who is compatible with your decision and then it becomes a non-issue. Celeste

windchymes -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 3:57:58 PM)
It's always been my belief that there's a big difference between choosing to be in a poly relationship and being unfaithful in any kind of relationship.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:01:21 PM)
quote: Do I deserve to be monogamous? There is no "deserving". You are as you are.

SweetNika -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:03:55 PM)
Prinsexx, When my ex cheated I actually went to his "lover" and told her I would be willing to accept her, to accept them. Because I am poly, I do believe you can love more than one person and that together you can have a healthy, commited relationship However, in the end I realized this was not what I wanted, this was me beign afraid of loosing him, of loosing the life we had together. I realized that in setteling I was loosing myself. Being poly isn't about giving yourself an opt out clause it is about wanting an honest, open and loving relationship with more than on person. It's not about accepting someone's secret lovers or them cheating in on you. You have to look inside yourself and ask yourself what you want from your relationships and be prepared not to settle for less. That isn't always an easy question to answer and goddess knows it is so easy to settle but in the end it I think it only hurts us when we do. We all deserve to have our needs meet, if YOUR need is to be in a monogomous relationship then that is what you deserve. The question is are you willing to fight for that or are you simply going to settle for something else? Blessed be, Nika

RCdc -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:06:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx 1. I felt 'used' after I got evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? No. However I have not been in a cheating relationship. quote: 2. I justified me straying on the basis of the evidence that he had been unfaithful. My question is: have you ever felt like this? Again no. However I would not justify straying. quote: 3. 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. The fact that I was lying never occurred to me. My question is have you ever felt like this? No. quote: 4. Although I know that bdsm is not in any way entirely centred nor indeed need necessarily be about being non-monogamous, it was not until I let go of those vanilla restrictions that I felt comfortable about being myself. In other words vanilla lifestyle has become and probably always was to me, a set of constraints imposed upon me. BUT at this moment in time giving myself the permission to be poly feels like giving myself an opt out clause: if I don't get satisfied by this dom then just grab another one on the side. actually phrasedlike that it's really not me being submissive at all. Then leave the relationship and sort out what you want and are. To commit without knowing is detrimental to yourself and to all partners involved. quote: And sometimes it feels like I would be edging my bets: if I don't come up to scratch as a submissive then maybe I will be good enough for the other guy. In other words can i afford to be monogamous, out of choice. am I good enough? Dd I deserve to be monogamous? Too many questionsI know: but have you ever felt like this? No I have not. I have never denied myself and settled. I also do not see poly as less that monogamous, it is simply not the way I wished to exist. I do not have it in me to serve more than one, but I am patient and understand the value of my own worth, knowing my value allows me to make healthy decisions. You get what you decide. To me you sound like you are settling. the.dark.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:08:17 PM)
you deserve the best, always the best and never settle for anything shy of that....the question then is what is the "best" picture look like for you? spend some time painting your perfect d/s picture....does it have something like an opt out clause? doesnt having an opt out clause mean that you are some how convinced you are not with the best? what you deserve is to not lie to yourself...you know somewhere in your heart what works for you.... to answer your questions....yes long ago i have felt used, but i chose to feel that way....i could have chosen it to feel a differnt way. no i have never justified straying....never had to....justifing is exactly like lying but with a extra kick of self rightousness to mellow the flavor of self delusion no i dont ever go in with the mindset that i reserve the right to cheat....its a forign consept to me.....partly because i am poly and all my lovers know that and partly because the idea of cheating on some one i have shared intimatly makes no sense to me....he /she is my lover and my freind ....so why would i destroy that? secret one sided non concentual opt out clauses are for pussies.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:10:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble ~FR~ Honey, being monogamous isn't something you deserve.. it's something you decide. If that's what you decide you want/need, you are not obligated to settle for something else. If you want poly, you get to decide that as well. Set your main goal at finding someone who is compatible with your decision and then it becomes a non-issue. Celeste Celeste: I get that I at choice. I mean I get that I at more choice now than I have ever been. I mean (gawd it's late here) I get that I am completely at choice about being poly or mono.....except that being submissive is also the biggest undercurrent and so in a sense when I was vanilla I was still being submissive in as much as I wasn't 'topping' my husbands. I did then, as I do now, by nature, almost everything to please...to be a good wife, to be strong, together, a good mother, a good lover, hell a good everything for my husband. That was what seemed natural. And so at first when I found out hubby had been 'unfaithful' it never occurred to me to be my right to question that. At least being out as a submissive I feel I have more rights. You know it would be about my role along the poly-mono continuum. This is more, for me right now, a question of a turning point, like going back to wanting to be mono out of choice rather than dictated role. The question wasn't simply meant as a personal one though. Just something to share.

mzbehavin -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:11:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I suppose I could have asked this on the poly board but my reasoning in asking the question: Do I deserve to be monogamous? is really placed here because this is a question I am asking myself in unravelling whether or not I am monogamous. Prin, it sounds as if you are poly to me. If you go with the definition poly= capable of loving more than one person. That doesnt mean you cant love or be loved by One. It just sets different parameters from the onset. Is it a physical thing , the distractions? Or affairs of the heart? Sometimes the wrong person brings out the wrong responses in us as well. Lots of variables. xox

BoiJen -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:17:19 PM)
Opt out clause? Where did that come from? I realize lately I've been much of an "elitist" when it comes to BDSM and Poly...about how's and should's. It just so happens that other people who have been doing WIITWD tend to agree with me as well. So before you get your panties in a twist actually pay attention to what you're about to read. Being in a poly relationship isn't about free range to cheat. Being in a poly relationship means you tell your partner that you're looking, have found, and planning on doing, are doing, and if you don't want the details or to join in that's cool. Being an s-type means unless you negotiated that at the beginning of your relationship as a deal breaker you accept being told "no, I don't want you to do this." and you DO NOT turn around and act against that. Cheating is what kids do when they can't get their way honestly. Any adult who cheats gets put into that same category. IF you cheated and your feelings just got hurt...oh well. Grow up, deal and start acting like an adult and accept the beds you make for yourselves. And if you're not happy about the bed, DO something about it in an honest and honorable fashion. Am I on a rant? Yes. IF you have issues about having cheated on your partners before, no matter what the reasons, find out why and work to not do it again. No one is forcing you to stay or cheat. Do you deserve to be monogamous...you either are or aren't. That's you. Nobody else can answer that question.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:17:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes It's always been my belief that there's a big difference between choosing to be in a poly relationship and being unfaithful in any kind of relationship. I think that's a very good point. The deeper I think about this it I reckon it amounts to this: (big admittance): that I have usually given myself the right (out of choice) to be unfaithful but have always 'blamed' the other person for being unfaithful to me. hell: looked at in the cold light of type that doesn't look good. And it gets worse: that I self-justify being unfaithful on the grounds of 'his' inadequacies.......this is looking even worse.

crouchingtigress -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:19:56 PM)
quote: There is a point at which slavery is noble and there is a point at which to enslave oneself unto lies becomes self-destructive. There is a point where to be used as bait is a divine service meant to please a Master, yet to be pimped out is foolish.There is a point at which, during the realisation that there is no power exchange, when indeed it is the slave that is teaching the Master what mastery means: this is the point at which freedom becomes paramount and the need to break the shackles is all that matters.Karma surely plays a role? kick ass words of wisdom as you question these things....prin.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:38:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetNika I realized that in setteling I was loosing myself. I don't know whether I have really ever lost myself consciously but have done so within the role of being submissive. Or rather i only realised how much i had begun to lose myself after that relationship was over. quote: ORIGINAL: SweetNika You have to look inside yourself and ask yourself what you want from your relationships and be prepared not to settle for less. This is a re-assessment at the moment. It's always a re-assessment of what has gone before. quote: ORIGINAL: SweetNika We all deserve to have our needs meet, if YOUR need is to be in a monogomous relationship then that is what you deserve. This is a good defintion of what is deserved.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:42:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark You get what you decide. To me you sound like you are settling. the.dark. Then perhaps I haveassumed settkling to be part of the submissive role and conversely deciding to be part of the dominant role. actually, yes, I would say that has been somewhat how it has been

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:45:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress no i dont ever go in with the mindset that i reserve the right to cheat....its a forign consept to me.....partly because i am poly and all my lovers know that and partly because the idea of cheating on some one i have shared intimatly makes no sense to me....he /she is my lover and my freind ....so why would i destroy that? It was so much the way I operated when I was 'vanilla'. You know everyone I knew at the time in so called 'normal' played these games.

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 4:50:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mzbehavin quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I suppose I could have asked this on the poly board but my reasoning in asking the question: Do I deserve to be monogamous? is really placed here because this is a question I am asking myself in unravelling whether or not I am monogamous. Prin, it sounds as if you are poly to me. If you go with the definition poly= capable of loving more than one person. That doesnt mean you cant love or be loved by One. It just sets different parameters from the onset. Is it a physical thing , the distractions? Or affairs of the heart? Sometimes the wrong person brings out the wrong responses in us as well. Lots of variables. xox Yes: I am poly....once poly always poly? When I think of how many truly amazing people have loved me and how many truly amazing people I have loved; well it's an emotionally luxurious life indeed. Always improving, rarely if ever looking back. If it were to be The One then who could possibly be a summation of all of those others ......

Prinsexx -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 5:05:58 PM)
quote: 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: BoiJen Opt out clause? Where did that come from? I realize lately I've been much of an "elitist" when it comes to BDSM and Poly...about how's and should's. It just so happens that other people who have been doing WIITWD tend to agree with me as well. So before you get your panties in a twist actually pay attention to what you're about to read. Being in a poly relationship isn't about free range to cheat. Being in a poly relationship means you tell your partner that you're looking, have found, and planning on doing, are doing, and if you don't want the details or to join in that's cool. Being an s-type means unless you negotiated that at the beginning of your relationship as a deal breaker you accept being told "no, I don't want you to do this." and you DO NOT turn around and act against that. Cheating is what kids do when they can't get their way honestly. Any adult who cheats gets put into that same category. IF you cheated and your feelings just got hurt...oh well. Grow up, deal and start acting like an adult and accept the beds you make for yourselves. And if you're not happy about the bed, DO something about it in an honest and honorable fashion. Am I on a rant? Yes. IF you have issues about having cheated on your partners before, no matter what the reasons, find out why and work to not do it again. No one is forcing you to stay or cheat. Do you deserve to be monogamous...you either are or aren't. That's you. Nobody else can answer that question. Well I know: I do fel as if I just crawled out of the wood work and should go crawl right back in ....but I did say this: 'Part' of me has always retained the right to cheat and never have to justify it within a vanilla relationship. and therefore I justified it as what I did when in vanilla land. Of course there is no justification for cheating but at times it really did feel like I was justified. Whereas I give myself the credit for having given up cheating in other areas of my life I held on and retained the right to do so in my married life. Knickers well and truly twisted.

RavenMuse -> RE: Do I deserve to be monogamous? (5/31/2008 5:12:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble Honey, being monogamous isn't something you deserve.. it's something you decide. The last part of that I would disagree with. Some find that when they question how they have been taught they SHOULD be by society, they find they are not.... now most here have already done that in finding that ... shock horror... they are kinky! Many of those, it wasn't a 'decision' just a discovery that it was the way they where wired.... same with gays, or bi's.... not a choise/decision but finding that was how they worked..... IMO same for Poly.... some folks ARE Poly, its the way they are wired.... other folks are Mono, again a matter of what they are naturaly suited to. Neither better or worse inherently, just suited to different mindsets. OP: your task is to sit down, take a long hard look at who you REALLY are... if you ARE Mono.... then look for that.... if you are Poly... fine look for poly... you DESERVE to be who you are naturaly, not who society/others think you SHOULD be. The one side point I will make... if it is cheating... it ain't poly... its mearly cheating!

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