quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
You must be remarkable in some way, and have the ability to show it.  You must have some of these traits: brilliance, charisma, charm, class, wealth.  Period.  The shy, passive, boring guy isn't going to attract a woman unless it's out of pity - or, he is SO good looking that she wants to mold him.  Dominant women are attracted to power, charisma, class, self confidence.  Not the weak or those with low self image or self esteem. You have to be able to show INITIATIVE on some level.  That's where you are going to have to get creative. Just putting yourself "out there" isn't enough. 

I have always pursued men after they showed me something in their personality that I liked -- either from afar, or by charming me to death.  I also always gravitated to men who were exceptional in some area - some talent, intelligence, physical strength or beauty. Or, very creative.  Quirky, geeky, or just simply hot - there had to be something.  Something had to spark my interest.  Then, they had to not push me over with their fantasies, needs, desires, or wimpiness.

But more specifically when I said "pursue" I meant pursue the dominance in the relationship - be the one to control the speed, direction, tempo.  Too many sub men are pushy, demanding, whiny, or sulking....it's so annoying.  They do not give dominant women a chance to even build up some desire - they are like a broken record.  When a submissive is more focused on getting to know the WOMAN first and foremost, and being charming about it, it gives her a chance to want to peel him like an onion -- to get inside of him (both literally and figuratitvely).

At the core though, one thing must be present:  Attraction. 

Akasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA

your more like a bottom because you dont seem like your into serving or suffering or even sacrificing for your dominant. you just want to control things from the bottom.

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

I tend to agree with the OP that if the sub likes everything the "dominant" does, and the sub doesn't have to do anything he doesn't like, then where's the dominance? It's really just top and bottom. I don't think force is necessary (although it can add to the excitement), but some sort of persuasion or coercion, either overt or subtle, is necessary or it just doesn't meet the definitiion of domination. In other words, domination is active; merely accepting submission, passively, isn't really dominance, IMNSHO.

*Disclaimer (yawn)*: That's not to say that active domination is "better" than any other form. I just don't consider the others to be real domination, and wish we had better agreed-upon terminology for it. Top and bottom would cover it.

I do really enjoy Aakasha's comments on this.

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ORIGINAL: aidan

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

I tend to agree with the OP that if the sub likes everything the "dominant" does, and the sub doesn't have to do anything he doesn't like, then where's the dominance? It's really just top and bottom. I don't think force is necessary (although it can add to the excitement), but some sort of persuasion or coercion, either overt or subtle, is necessary or it just doesn't meet the definitiion of domination. In other words, domination is active; merely accepting submission, passively, isn't really dominance, IMNSHO.

*Disclaimer (yawn)*: That's not to say that active domination is "better" than any other form. I just don't consider the others to be real domination, and wish we had better agreed-upon terminology for it. Top and bottom would cover it.

I do really enjoy Aakasha's comments on this.

Nope, gotta respectfully disagree with this postulation and the whole idea that a submissive has to be reluctant.

I've never been a reluctant or ambivalent about my submission. It has always been a joyful thing. Some things are scary, or uncomfortable, or humiliating, or massively painful, but when it comes down to brass tacks I love doing them/having them done to me, and Mistress loves watching/doing them to me. We both very much enjoy each other's kink.

She is still, however, the Dominant one in the relationship. She controls the ebb and flow of sexual energy, because She's the one who decides whether or not to capitalize on my libido when I offer, or just wants to take. She makes the big decisions in the relationship, and even though my input and opinion are asked for and taken into account, she makes the final decisions. I do a lot of the menial chores so that she can focus on her work more, and just generally try to make life easier for her around the house.

And I willingly and happily participate in this dynamic. I submit to her authority, in and out of the bedroom. We're just really, really compatable. There isn't a lot of struggle there, but that doesn't mean she has any less authority or power.

For the longest time I wrestled with this, though. I thought that what Dommes really wanted was a victim or some pristine mental virgin to mold, and once you actually started having a good time you were persona non grata. Some of this was because of bad initial material when I was starting to learn about BDSM, but then a lot was seemingly reinforced by my first friends in the lifestyle. Some of the Dommes I got to know and like a lot, they wanted somebody willing but not eager. This seemed like some form of kubuki-like theater or court intrigue to me than a real relationship. I wasn't about to pretend that something I loved made me miserable, at least as the status quo. And then there were some who thought eagerness meant I was willing to do anything...not so much with that.

Thankfully though I got over it, and started looking for somebody who could provide what I needed to be content and happy, something I think a lot of subs forget along the way (at least as many as the ones who can't focus on anything beyond their dicks). Thank the gods I found someone. I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I wouldn't call her anything but Dominant. And I freakin' love it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

How does one get around this? Or do I have it wrong? Do I need to learn to *appear* reluctant and resistant in order to attract a dominant woman, particulalry a sadistic one? I don't know what to do!

quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan
There isn't a lot of struggle there, but that doesn't mean she has any less authority or power.

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ORIGINAL: darchChylde

quote:

ORIGINAL: aidan
There isn't a lot of struggle there, but that doesn't mean she has any less authority or power.

i love this line and i find it very important.  There is also not alot of struggle in my relationship with Ma'am.  What there is of struggle is not any kind of power struggle or battle of wills; but more internal struggle with my fears and doubts from my previous experiences which is something that hasn't happened in a good long time.  My biggest problem now is my insistance on overthinking and analyzing every little thing and being unable to simply accept and live in the moment most of the time.

As far as power struggles or any battle of wills goes, there really hasn't been any between Ma'am and i.  Again, the closest i got to was whether i was going to let Her or my fears control me.  But, as soon as i accepted that i was devoted and in love with Her and since She first claimed me as Her own; that  decided all future battle of wills between She and i.  Not to say that i'm a pushover, but all She has ever had to say during a debate was "Are you still arguing with me about this?" or something else which concretely makes clear that we have moved beyond a friendly conversation to active Dominant/submissive dynamic.  At that point, i gracefully bow out and accept Her decision as my own. 

Now, this kind of thing may eventually happen with something that i truly believe strongly about and am not quite so willing to simply back down and i don't know what would happen at that point.  But, in most of the big things we see eye to eye or are wise enough not to get into a conflict over.  Else, they are things that She has chosen not to exert Her authority over me on.

I don't see the fun in having a constant struggle or battle with a Domme.  I assume she wants my submission given to her freely, without having to "conquer" me.  The latter is too much work and too much conflict that neither of us need in our lives.  Instead, I prefer to enjoy the dynamic in whatever form we've agreed it will take.

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ORIGINAL: pixelslave

Well said darch and aidan! 
 
I don't see the fun in having a constant struggle or battle with a Domme. 

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ORIGINAL: DominantJenny
<snip>
Mostly, I like to see the internal conflict...part of you doesn't want X, part of you does...that's really the best, I think.

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ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Being reluctant, fearful, anxious or nervous about an activity is only one area of enjoyment for a Domme. It's just one way to be sadistic. There are many others. However, as willing as you think you may be, you might find that a creative Domme can come up with ways to make you feel VERY reluctant without having to fake it at all.

Be careful what you wish for. 

You sound like you're into predicament bondage or something similar.  There's no faking being befuddled, nervous or anxious in those kinds of situations while amusing one's sadistic Domme!  

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster
But if your sub *likes* to be whipped, bound, humiliated, etc., then doing that to him is in some ways really not dominance.

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ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA

I dont agree. that's not dominance. that's topping. topping to me is doing things TO another person, slaving over another person while they lie there and get their fetish attended to. where is the servitude? who is really being served? that is servicing a bottoms need.

a dominant gets served. he doesn't serve. most people here are tops and bottoms. the sub gets shit done to her but shes not serving anyone. she's being "done". most subbies who say they are subs are really bottoms because its all about what they like done to them. humiliate me. tie me up. treat me like a pony. and when thats their primary goal, than thats a bottom.

Oh sheesh!  You act as if a Domme doesn't ever enjoy being fully in-control while "on Top" during a scene and having her buttons pushed by it!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MISTRESSKUMA
I dont agree. that's not dominance. that's topping. topping to me is doing things TO another person

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slaving over another person while they lie there and get their fetish attended to. where is the servitude? who is really being served? that is servicing a bottoms need.

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a dominant gets served.  he doesn't serve. most people here are tops and bottoms. the sub gets shit done to her but shes not serving anyone. she's being "done". most subbies who say they are subs are really bottoms because its all about what they like done to them. humiliate me. tie me up. treat me like a pony. and when thats their primary goal, than thats a bottom.