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Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 12:45:27 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


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Let's say you're a Dom and you meet somebody really interesting, and find out they are into Kinky rough sex.   They express a deep love to having wicked things done to them, everything seems to be clicking along good.   Then they express an interest in doing wicked things to you?  Wait a minute, you suddenly realize in complete terror that you have Switch on your hands.   Then you have to break the news to them that you're not into having those things done to you.  They sigh, gasp, perhaps make renarks about how unfair it is.  They start down the path attempted negotions.   Such as I'll let you do this to me, if you let me do this to you.   Perhaps you stop for a moment give say 2.5 seconds honest thought and the answer is still the same, no.  Then you find yourself explaining to them what Dom, sub, and switch more less is all about.

I'm sorry, I'm not into have dog shock collars around my neck, being tied up and spanked and blah blah blah... But I Love doing those things to somebody though.   Only to hear, but but but ... "that's not fair".   I openly admit it's not fair to somebody who is a switch.    My thing is if somebody is going to have a shock collar around my neck with a push button device, guess what she's better be wearing one too and I'm gonna have a button in my hand.   OK, now let's dance! See who can dish it out and take it at the same time.  They did to back down at the thoughts of this degree of playing fully fair.   Some people might consider this a little switchy, but it's more like a head to head BDSM scene match for me.   Have yet to encounter anybody willing to engage in head to head play like this, at least not for several years.

OK, I'm not into becoming Fido with a shock collar around my neck, not up for Trade on the table.  I'm not gonna offer my ass to be cropped either.   I did say, hey I Love having my back flogged.  Turns out I had to explain to them what one was, then to deal with them getting squicked out about hitting somebody on other places of the body besides the ass.  They are puzzled at why I'd let them flog my back and not spank my ass. Anyways, basically things don't really go so well in all the back and fourth conversation.   They are still trying hard and their damnest to figure out what it would take to get an Shock Collar around my friggen neck.  

You politely excuse yourself from the conversation, and well just sort of avoid going there at all with this other person.  However, you find out later you were such a mean unreasonable selfish bastard.    This is after you've already explained to them the difference between Dom, sub, switch and topping/bottom basics.   Yes, I'm one of those guys that loves being in control and not being controlled.   I Love to use but not be used.. and yadda yadda yadda..

I know submissive types catch flack from people for being so called Doormats.   I've caught flack for being a so called "Control freak" all because of my orientation.  My maso streak/side seems to throw people a few curve balls they don't seem to get right away.   Head to Head kink play well, let's just say... is a turn on for me, but not for too many others.  

Still it's a challenge to explain things to Kinky Vanilla's at times and have them understand things.  You know where Doms are selfish assholes that won't girls do kinky wicked things in exchange, and girls that let Doms do this are Doormats and blah blah blah blah!   Just feel like slapping myself right in the middle of my forehead after I pound an 8 oz can of V8 through theirs.




    

< Message edited by Owner4SexSlave -- 6/4/2008 12:47:55 AM >
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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 3:09:12 AM   
RavenMuse


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So some kinky-switch playbunny who doesn't get what a dynamic is maybe get pissy about the fact that you didn't jump in her knickers, big deal, just laugh at the comments as yet another sign of her not being compatable and move on.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 3:21:35 AM   
Focus50


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I must have masochistic tendencies myself to read this.... this.... I dunno...; malarky?
 
It reads like a know-it-all vanilla's guide to domination and submission.  Btw, you left out the one about the bound submissive who's pissed off 'cause she's all tied up....
 
Three things:
Why would you (or anyone) wanna educate nosey nillas about what it is that we do?  All it is is gossip fuel...!

 
If you're so obsessed with this shock collar, just put the bastard on and wear it.
 
Get out and meet some real people in the lifestyle!
 
Focus.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 3:39:21 AM   
HalloweenWhite


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Explain yourself, dont explain yourself. It's up to you who you think needs to know.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 6:11:32 AM   
ViceVersa


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Interesting twist, Owner. I can see how their enthusiasm for kinky rough sex may throw you a curve ball. As a switch, I'd say "send 'em my way." :-)

It seems to me that as soon as pandora's kinky box is opened, it becomes significantly more difficult to match compatibilities than it is for vanillas. With that in mind, I think you take as much time as needed to be clear about each other's orientation before you play - date, talk, read kinky literature, go to workshops, go to play parties, talk some more. I spent three months real/time doing this with a heretofore vanilla and it's worked out pretty well. Even so, there are no guarantees. Needs and interests aren't static and people (hopefully) evolve. My own rule of thumb is that I never enter into a relationship hoping to change someone (kink or otherwise), but I do enter into a relationship expecting and prepared for them to change. And...even if you do everything you can...you may still be called an asshole or bastard because (ending) relationships are messy.

Vice

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 6:43:58 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


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That doesn't mean they are a switch, especially coming at this from a totally vanilla perspective I'd say it's totally normal for kink sex to be a game you play, and in most games, people take turns.  It's more about the thrill and the exploration than it is "I'm the dom!"

Again, this is why I caution people against trying to "turn" vanillas.  Just because someone may end up fully kinky, does not mean they will be at all compatible to YOU.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 7:05:39 AM   
LATEXBABY64


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this is a easy one  first rule of sexual fun is  IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS  rofl

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 7:10:57 AM   
Lynnxz


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Those darn vanillas, how dare they not jump right in the kinky box!! Put a shock collar on me??? Omfg, but don't you know I'm the Captain Domlypants, how dare you try that shit!

If someone knows what they are into... let them be that way! I've never felt a need to change the way someone wants to play. If she likes to top a little sometimes, good for her! If you don't like to be topped, well thats a pretty good indication that she's not a good match for you.

Not everyone has to have a dynamic, and they aren't any less of a person for having a different type of relationship. Let her be a "kinky-switch playbunny", it sounds hot anyway.

On a side note... I can't stand the "those vanillas" attitude. Someone please explain to me how being involved in a bdsm relationship makes you better than anyone else. It doesn't make you deep, it doesn't make you special, no matter how well you can swing your flogger. I have a feeling this attitude is exactly why  there's such a social stigma against bdsm related stuff... Secrecy never helped anyone. While I'm not going to go out of my way to shock people, I'm also not going to hide everything. Most of my friends know I'm a pro-something or the other. They ask questions, and instead of copping a crappy attitude, I answer the questions, and explain how it all works.

And you know what? I've never, ever had it backfire on me. I actually had a 48 year old woman start crying and tell me she had thought she was mental for being into pain, and had been told she needed to take meds for it... ugh.



< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 6/4/2008 7:29:13 AM >


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 7:16:12 AM   
DesFIP


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Don't go into those lengthy explanations. Just say it's a matter of taste. You're fine taking them out to dinner and watching them pour hot sauce on their meal but that doesn't mean you have to enjoy it also. You don't.

Wish them good luck finding someone more compatible and move on.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 7:18:43 AM   
MstrVik


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I don't really see a need to explain things to anyone who doesn't understand that simple dynamic; people either understand it or they don't. - It's the same with a lot of fetishes; either people get it or they don't - it can be very hard to explain, and I wouldn't even try.
If a person has even a slight bit of interest in this area, he/she will ask questions in order to understand more, and that's fine - but starting a negotiaton about it is something entirely different. I would have politely ended the conversation at the first hint about reversal of roles, and certainly at the first 'gasp'...

< Message edited by MstrVik -- 6/4/2008 7:20:38 AM >


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 7:21:13 AM   
KnightofMists


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I never had the problem of trying to explain myself to kinky non-lifestylers.... maybe because I DONT explain myself to kinky non-lifestylers.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:00:14 AM   
pinksugarsub


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The Op's life is much more interesting than mine has been so far; i have never met a 'kinky vanilla'. 
 
Hell i've never even had (intercourse) inna car!  (Yet.)
 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/4/2008 8:01:19 AM >


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:22:56 AM   
abcbsex


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I had the opposite kind of problem with an ex... at least the same problem from a sub's point of view. He was great for a little bit, offered all the domination I could ask for, but then all of a sudden he wanted me to dominate him! totally not what I'm into and he noticed the first time I tried that I really was not into it.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:26:38 AM   
stella41b


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What is a Kinky Non-Lifestyler when it's at home?

Is this a new trend? Start a new thread each time a potential relationship doesn't work out pontificating over what was explained, and what was either understood or not understood with the subsequent labelling and wobbly throwing?

I don't know, but if there's any sort of difficulty with 'explaining' something to someone about kink and activities, then maybe the problem doesn't lie with the other person but with either the selection process or with the amount of homework that's been done in getting to know that person.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:36:17 AM   
crouchingtigress


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the whole dom sub thing seems terribly unfair and scary when you are first introduced to it.....you have probally been at this thing a fair number of years and it is easy to forget, but even with the "talk" there is still a lot of adjusting to new and unfamiliar concepts and mental contructs...

however i do have a sugestion....bring her to a event or play party...

she'll see folks of all walks of life having fun'
she'll see stuff that will turn her on madly
she'll see that its really not that strange
she'll see the beauty of dominace and submission in action...and it might stir her soul in a way words just really cant.
and shell be really greatful ultimatly to have had the door shown to her even if she finds that she is not compatable with you persay.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:51:42 AM   
Missokyst


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 LMAO!  In my head I saw that Simpsons episode where they are in counselling and everyone is shocking everyone else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave

Let's say you're a Dom and you meet somebody really interesting, and find out they are into Kinky rough sex.  

My thing is if somebody is going to have a shock collar around my neck with a push button device, guess what she's better be wearing one too and I'm gonna have a button in my hand.  


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 8:54:48 AM   
Missokyst


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Really?  How odd.. I don't think anyone I have dated hasn't expressed or shown a desire for some sort of kink.  I guess that is why I don't see nilla as being a bad thing.  Although upon consideration, maybe I haven't met anyone completely nilla.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinksugarsub

The Op's life is much more interesting than mine has been so far; i have never met a 'kinky vanilla'. 


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 9:51:42 AM   
akisha


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I don't explain myself to anyone. You either get me or you don't. You are either compatible or you are not.

I will answer genuine questions of someone is interested. But why would you fustrate yourself trying to explain "your" idea of how a bdsm dynamic and or relationship works to a bedroom kinkster?

I kow lots of people that want to play slap & tickle in the bedroom but have no desire or inclination towards a "alternative" lifestyle

I quit seeing a guy once cause even tho he was into spanking and nipple twisting etc, if he thought he actually hurt me he'd go soft. Doesn't work with someone that tends to need (desire) atleast a little pain to get off hehe

< Message edited by akisha -- 6/4/2008 9:53:02 AM >


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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 10:01:10 AM   
RCdc


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As usual, agreeing with Em(how boring) - and also echoing stella.
 
It's not advisable to try and turn people into something that they aren't - and frankly even entertaining the idea that someone you might be interested in, who might show a liking for kink could be in anyway compatable and getting far enough into a relationship for it to have to end because you placed too many expectations on it.
 
I am really seeing a repeating patten in the posts and the relationships - which is cool as long as you learn and move on postively that is something I'm not 'seeing'.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 6/4/2008 10:54:45 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

That doesn't mean they are a switch, especially coming at this from a totally vanilla perspective I'd say it's totally normal for kink sex to be a game you play, and in most games, people take turns.  It's more about the thrill and the exploration than it is "I'm the dom!"

Again, this is why I caution people against trying to "turn" vanillas.  Just because someone may end up fully kinky, does not mean they will be at all compatible to YOU.




I really don't understand why there was a long discussion about it. You don't like what they like. Nobody is better, has a cooler lifestyle or anything like that - you just don't mesh. I'm also not sure why the terror at thinking they were switch. For that matter some switches only display one side to a partner so, if they had actually been a switch, they might have only wanted to submit/bottom to you.


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