stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
The thread was not about casting labels upon people. I used the term kinky vanilla to describe somebody that is into kink, but they know very little about "the lifestyle". I'm not using labels to cast judgement upon people. Labels are a needed evil at times. They are just a general concept.
So Kinky Non-Lifestyler isn't a label? And what is this "lifestyle" you speak of? Is it this secret lifestyle that some people claim to live and know about or is it simply a manner of using the word 'lifestyle' in a way to point out that (in your opinion) you are so aware and intelligent and the other person isn't and is ignorant? Labels are a general concept because they are a stereotype. The way I see it having an interest in BDSM just makes you a little different, not superior, just a little different. Therefore the elitism is not really all that necessary. People either share the same interests and understand or they don't. End of.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
I'm not bitching about this being a failed relationship anything. If anything my bitch is about being honest and open with somebody, explaining it to them all nice, to be treated like an asshole in the end for my own orientation.
And like, this is some sort of new discovery for you is it? I'm transgendered, this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Be sure I could fill up these boards if I started a thread each time someone couldn't 'get it' but you know, I'd have to give up my life and spend my time just writing here on these boards and what I would be writing would be boring anyway. Far better just to move on and get on with life. I mean, what I am doesn't take anything away from who I am, and it doesn't make me any different from anyone else. Not everybody in life is going to accept you, let alone like you, and I am assuming that this is a common experience shared by everyone here. It's not BDSM. It's life.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
I did not wrong this girl in way shape or form. We were not a match. I did not Pursue things any further with her.
Nobody's saying you did wrong anyone. Not being a match is pretty obvious even from the title of the OP. Whether you pursued something with her or not is beside the point, but the statement here only leads me to wonder what you in yourself feel needs explaining or justification. I don't see anything.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
He own personal views are as such, Doms are selfish and subs are doormats. I tried to explain that this is not really the case. I actually think I had a die hard femists on my hands. I went so far to explain to her that not every women buys into or wants to be part of the femists movement.
Not everybody gets everything in life. I don't 'get' golf, for example. You've got to hit a very small ball a very long way into a very small hole, but you've got to use one of a number of funny shaped metal rods with funny shaped endings and stand like you're about to break wind to get a proper shot. What I don't get is that you seem to spend your time wandering about looking for your balls rather than playing the actual sport. I guess to the average golfer this makes me seem pretty thick and dumb. All of us are ignorant about something but have knowledge about something else. Again it comes back to the same point. Life. We form our own opinions from our own perspectives, which are shaped by our own lives and experiences. Unless someone really wants to know something, you cannot really educate them and trying usually only results in a waste of time and effort.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
A little frustrating, that no matter how polite you can be about things, people don't seem to get it, in fact they spin it around and use it cast a Judgement upon you and other people in "the lifestyle".
See what I mean? In my experience if you try and educate someone about something they don't really want to know you invariably put them on the defensive and they turn hostile. But here we go again, "the lifestyle".. What lifestyle? You know to me BDSM is nothing but a very loose, umbrella term which serves as a category for possibly a few thousand different kinks, fetishes and ways of conducting interpersonal relationships between people. Therefore each time that magic word 'lifestyle' comes out you are in reality only talking about your own individual lifestyle and interests, which may have similarities to others here, but then again it might not.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
My beef here is about being judged by Kinky Vanilla's even. People you would assume to be a little bit more open minded to things. But this is not always the case.
I'm going to quote Bob Marley here, "the road of life is rocky and you may stumble too.. so while you're pointing fingers someone else is judging you.." which comes from the song 'Could you be loved?' You would assume, as you say, people could be a bit more open-minded, but in reality from what I find in my own experience many - not all - many are not. Sometimes I feel it's better to secretly assume most people are loonies and won't understand anything which doesn't directly affect them personally, and anything over and above that is a pleasant surprise.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
If anything the Label of me being a "Dom" just did not sit well with this girl at all. Me not being into fair taking turns play in the bedroom did not sit well. She looks down at me now, and yes... there's been a slight social ramification in my part of the world I live in. To the point she was saying shit to one of my close friends who does understand, and he was trying to explain it to her as well.
You can try and explain this whichever way you like, but it still all boils down to your own disappointment that nothing came to be with this girl, and this is as far as I see the truth, for whatever reason. I refuse to make any judgments beyond this, as I don't know you and I don't know her, but taking all this purely at face value, which in itself is a judgment but of the situation and neither of you nor her - and this is the difference. I don't see why you feel the need to label yourself or her as you're doing. If you're a Dom and happy with being a Dom, then why not just be a Dom and be with people who accept you as you really are? Why the crusade to educate the uneducated? I mean, it's not as if you're Barack Obama who needs votes, or a preacher who needs a congregation, just one dominant male who seeks one submissive female to share whatever it is you share with such a woman in a relationship you develop with each other. Why make something which is very simple so complicated?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
Still she's being rather thick headed about all this, and yes this did rather backfire on me. What basically sucks is that she's trying to cause problems and trying to suck a few of my friends into this stupidity.
So why is she being thick-headed? Simply because she's not into what you're into? Is that it? Try and see it from her perspective.. she's got this guy who's claiming she's thick and ignorant because he doesn't want to play fair but do things to her and not allow her to do things back. Things like BDSM, whips, shock collars, and God knows what else. Hasn't it maybe occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, she sees you as a first class nutcase who needs to be protected from other women? This isn't stupidity to me, the stupidity appears to be the way you approached it and this appears to be the consequences. Somehow, I don't know how, you screwed up and I go back to what I wrote earlier, that you either tried to do the wrong thing with the right woman or the right thing with the wrong woman, or even - which also could be true - the wrong thing with the wrong woman. I don't know what you mean by 'trying to suck a few of my friends'.. I'm British and this part for me has more than one meaning.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
Think I myself have every right to be a little pissy over this madness. My point is trying to explain yourself to kinky Non-Lifestylers. Clearly, she is kinky, she's not into the lifestyle, and yes Vanilla. Think I used the labels pretty good here, to best describe her.
Mind you all this was face to face real time interaction, not some LD thing or meeting somebody from CM.
Yes, you do have the right to be pissy or however which way you feel about this. I disagree with the use of the labels here. Labels are meaningless. Try substituting 'kinky non-lifestylers' with 'the wrong person' and it should fit just as well. What does it matter whether it was face to face or not?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
I was not trying to turn her at all, in fact, I realized that things would not work out. I did not pursue anything further with her. Hell, I did not even have a relationship with her. Only went on one date and that was it. Geeesh... Not a Relationship, and not somebody I felt was a match. Hell, I was very nice about everything. I'm still being nice about things. However, yes.. I'm a little pissed at how she's handle things since.
I'm sorry but you're not fooling me here. Not at all. If you 'only went on one date with her' how come she knows your friends? If she wasn't going to be a match or you weren't interested in pursuing a relationship, then why did you feel the need to explain who you are to her and go over what it is you're into?
Ah but here you see is the problem. You're pissed over how she handled things, but what about you? Are you not maybe a little pissed at yourself, or do you feel that because you are in 'the lifestyle' and 'a Dom' you are over and above criticism? Where's the sense of personal responsibility? I mean, if we are really talking about 'the lifestyle' and you being a Dom, then surely being responsible for your own decisions and actions is an integral part of being a Dom, is it not? But then again the responsibility in reality has got nothing to do with being a Dom, but with being an adult.
It cuts both ways, it really does. Maybe it isn't other people at all, maybe this is about you and your own perspective towards other people. Please don't take this personally, but to me when it comes to the labels and the stereotypes yes, I agree, you're pretty good at using them, but when it comes to actually being someone in what you call 'the lifestyle' you still have quite a bit to learn. No need to get offended, because we're all in this position. I'm in the same position too. Nobody here is perfect, all-knowing, all-seeing, we all make mistakes, we all learn and move on. Only from what I can tell from my humble presence here most of us see beyond the illusion of 'the lifestyle' and are pretty happy with who we are and the people we meet.
I'm sorry, but I see the funny side here. A woman meets a Dom and gets a shock talking about shock collars. Try not to take yourself too seriously. It never works.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 6/4/2008 7:24:39 PM >
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RE: Trying to Explain yourself to Kinky non-lifestylers - 
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