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WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 5:33:58 AM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Hi I am MsDawn a Bi, Poly, Married, BBW Domme 42. And I am soooo sick of players, cheaters and NO SHOW SO called SUBS! Can anyone here explain why a sub would waste both our times contacting a Mistress, chatting in im's, chats, and maybe phone calls and then NOT showing up for the real time meeting??? No explanation, no nothing, end of communication, etc! I am so tired of this particular game I am totally ready to give up my search for a subbie boy. Thanks In Advance MsDawn

Post #: 1

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 6:01:03 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDawnbbwdomme

Can anyone here explain why a sub would waste both our times contacting a Mistress, chatting in im's, chats, and maybe phone calls and then NOT showing up for the real time meeting???

The simple explanation is that they are not really interested in a real time meet, but find the only way to get the online action they crave is by pretending they are. Many times they are married or otherwise commited to another.

My advice, either insist on real time meetings within the first week (or before you invest any real time into the relationship), or take a lot longer getting to know someone before you even consider a meet.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 2

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 7:35:43 AM

randsboy

Posts: 63
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Olympia WA
Status: offline

many are dreamers, but are totally afraid of RT. You will find very few true subs/slaves on a site like this. Most r wannabes and r deathly afraid to play out thier fantasies.

randsboy

_____________________________

randsboy

always home during the day and willing to play. I do not drive, but could host. color & ethnicity not a problem

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 3

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 7:40:19 AM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

It's not just the subs that don't show, it works both ways. I was supposed to meet someone at a munch earlier in the week and got stood up. No IM, no email since.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 4

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 8:35:19 AM

iwillserveu

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I reply to this from time to time. I hope this helps:

1) This is the time to fish or cut bait. Frankly it is a lot easier to say you'll clean somebody's dishes than to actually do it. If you think the night before the first meeting is not filled with him asking himself questions, you are wrong. Depending on what was said, this is crossing the Rubicon. I don't agree with him letting you hang, but if he is not going to cross that bridge and burn it behind him I can't blame him. Sorry you had your time wasted, but eventually he said "No, I can't do this."

2) He is a 14 year old boy using Mommy's computer.

3) Those pictures he sent were of Fabio. He did not want you to see he is a 48 year old bald guy with a beer gut.

4) He promised he can make a great onion soup, but he has no idea how to make onion soup. Trapped in his lie he sees this as the only way out.

Seriously, how long do you "vet" them? After to messages and a few IM's may not be sufficient. (Some people will wonder where I'm getting this from. You did not say. I'm not saying you said this. I'm guessing. [Why must I explain the obvious?

)

One thing that MAY (emphasize "may") help you is to define a trial period. Forever is scary, but six months much less so.

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 5

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 8:44:02 AM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

I know that everyone who posts in response to you, is going to give you good reasons, according to their experience, and perspective, why others "don't show". And I'll read those in a minute, because I'm interested in those reasons, and ideas also. However, my reason for responding to you is this....Don't give up.

If you came here seriously seeking to fill that space in your life/lifestyle. Then don't give up. The right one is out there somewhere. You just have to wade through all this other stuff first.

Consider the others "practice" for your communication skills, and making you aware of "what's out there", not to mention meeting some pretty incredible people along the way. Say, becoming interactive on these boards, for example. Pretty cool, huh?

So while you are waiting for just the right "sub" to come along. You can be having fun. Stay with us.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 6

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 8:50:05 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDawnbbwdomme

Hi I am MsDawn a Bi, Poly, Married, BBW Domme 42. And I am soooo sick of players, cheaters and NO SHOW SO called SUBS! Can anyone here explain why a sub would waste both our times contacting a Mistress, chatting in im's, chats, and maybe phone calls and then NOT showing up for the real time meeting??? No explanation, no nothing, end of communication, etc! I am so tired of this particular game I am totally ready to give up my search for a subbie boy. Thanks In Advance MsDawn

There's lots of reasons, most of which have been mentioned here. I write here to empathize with your experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

My advice, either insist on real time meetings within the first week (or before you invest any real time into the relationship), or take a lot longer getting to know someone before you even consider a meet.

Yours,
Taggard

Having done both my recommendation would be the r/t meet as soon as possible. In fact, I give online interaction no more than passing acknowledgement until I've spent some r/t with someone. I've come to a place in which I think of online (as it is used in 'relationships') as a tool used to remain in contact with someone I've already met. I will not engage in ANY online/phone domination until I've also agreed to do so r/t. I won't even discuss kink with someone unless I'm the one initiating the conversation (rarely and almost never with someone I don't know r/t already). I generally block anyone who discusses serving in their introductory letters, without benefit of response.

The players get bored quickly. The people who are interested in me for who I am usually remain engaged at my disposal. But you also have to remember, I'm not 'looking' and don't think that 'looking' in general makes for a good foundation from which to build. I tell people I'm blissfully single but not adverse to something spontaneous happening. <shrug> It works for me.

I hope you find what works for you soon.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 7

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 8:54:10 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I really can't give you the explanation. You'd have to talk to the person standing you up.

When I was searching I always showed up. Of course I only met at munches. Well twice I met alone...twice I had to do physical harm to the alledged Dominants.

Although I have been running a BDSM group now for over 4 years. I can give you the insight I have received. A lot of people are looking for a fantasy. When it comes time to meet they get scared. Actually that's normal.

Other people also tell me that the person they were communicating with scared them. They were chatting all along things were going great. Then, something off color was said. They then do not want to meet. Can't blame them.

How do you meet valid people online? I really don't have a clue. Myself I think I'd stay clear of BDSM sites. Think about it a moment. If you have a fantasy where are you going to find others who share your ideas? Does someone living real life need to be here to find a Dominant or submissive? Usually they go to outings...etc.

I really don't know I'm just offering you advice that is coming to my head. I myself made the mistake of checking out every BDSM site when searching. After two years I considered leaving the lifestyle frustrated as well. I then went into a vanilla chat room and met the Dom I was seeking all of that time. What are the odds, eh? Probably much higher than I can imagine though.

Anyway that is my two cents on the matter.

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 8

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 9:44:39 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

Having done both my recommendation would be the r/t meet as soon as possible. In fact, I give online interaction no more than passing acknowledgement until I've spent some r/t with someone.

I totally agree with this. In fact, the only time I would consider the second alternative I mentioned would be in cases where great distances were involved and spending money on airline tickets before getting to know someone a bit better might be foolish.

Yours,
Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 9

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 10:06:27 AM

melycious

Posts: 45
Joined: 1/20/2004
Status: offline

subs dont show up for meetings.. for the same reasons, folks dont show up for job interviews......... you pick the reason..and someone will have it....

i both disagree and agree with the whole meet immediately thing.. i agree cause its a quick way to rule out folks who are not looking for what you are looking for.. AND its a quick way to find out if there are deal breakers.. (for example, the "perfect" dom i meet a few years ago......... till we met for lunch.. and he gnawed on gum while waiting for the meal..and then placed his gum on the side of the plate, and ate, and then resuming chewing it) for me... DEAL BREAKER!!!!!!!!!.. for someone else..not so much...

However,,, there are a LOT Of folks out there who come on VERY VERY strong and insist on meetings, without giving the other person (both subs and doms) the chance or the safety to say they are scared, its too soon etc.. and then.. they get roped into agreeing to meeting, because they catch a glimpse into something they want, they may not be sure of themselves to get it.. and afraid if they turn it down, it may never cross their path again...

so..i guess i would say..

1. its always best to meet folks in a group situation, simply put..its safer..and if they are a total bore, there are others to talk to
2. look at your own approach, are you so determined to meet, for whatever reasons, that you are pushing someone who is not so sure of themselves? do you give them an out? do you provide whatever emotional security they might need? do you allow them to pick the place, encourage them to bring a lifestyle friend?
3. do you attempt to follow up afterwards? not as a punitive measure..but perhaps as a learning tool for yourself...... ? ie: i was surprised and disappointed when you didnt show up today? i hope things are ok, but assume you choose not to meet for a particular reason, in order to be the best at what i do/enjoy, i wonder if you could find time to drop me a line or 2 telling me what put you off, why you made that choice? AND THEN, dont debate what they tell you, dont argue it, or defend it......... say thank you..and see if what they say really applies to you...

*grins.. and shakes my head to get rid of bad meeting memories* i'll stick with my ct folks!!

mely

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 10

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 10:14:47 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

Been through plenty of no shows, annoying! But the worst is when they do show up and you know it is them, but don't go up to them because even if it is them, they will lie. I have pictures in my profiles, I am honest about my appearance, they have begged to meet me & then they hide in the crowd. Beyond annoying!!!!! I sat across the bar from the last one & ordered a drink, then looking right into his eyes asked the waitress what she would do to a man who failed to show up.

I haven't given up, I keep going to munches and parties, I keep setting up meetings in a pub close by. I actually found a part time sub through one of those meetings.

You aren't going to get the gold ring every time you ride the merry go round, but if you ride it long enough, you just may get the prize.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 11

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 10:21:44 AM

anthrosub

Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline

i think the replies here about how to avoid the issue in the first place is the better way to answer this question. People will be people and the situation with each will vary enough to make any one answer impossible to apply regarding why they don't show up. Back when i was just starting to explore BDSM over 10 years ago, i communicated with a Pro by phone after reading her ad in a personals section of a local newspaper.

We talked for about an hour and the impression i received was of someone organized, solid, and level headed. We ended the conversation when we agreed on a time when i would arrive for an in depth interview. The day came and i showed up at the door at the exact time. i was supposed to knock twice very clearly and wait. But when i got to the door and was about to knock, i heard a violent argument between her (i recognized the voice) and a male. It was clearly a huge domestic fight from what was being said. i stood there listening for at least 5 minutes and then left.

This is not exactly the same as meeting someone as Ms Dawn is suggesting but i wanted to include it because it demonstrates how things can go wrong in an unexpected way. Whatever interest (and butterflies) i had when i arrived for the interview vanished when i got to the door. i think if people are genuinely interested in meeting someone, it should be obvious very early on and MizSuz is right, better to be not looking as most things in life "unfold" of their own accord. To borrow from an old Zen saying...looking for that special someone is like, "Beating a drum in search of a thief." Better to interact, learn, and have some fun along the way and meeting someone will come out of that context.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 12

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 11:53:06 AM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Hi! It all depends, I have gotten to where most of my ads state "IF YOU CAN't MEET within a Reasonable Period <2 to 4wks> PLEASE Don't contact me. I have spent wks and months online with a person and at the last second they don't show. I have even paid for a sub to come from Canada for a 2 wk visit. I am seriously now telling them I want to meet within 2 wks. And that is just to meet, no commitment just to have dinner and see if we get along and think alike. Am I expecting too much by asking them to dinner? MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: iwillserveu

I reply to this from time to time. I hope this helps:

1) This is the time to fish or cut bait. Frankly it is a lot easier to say you'll clean somebody's dishes than to actually do it. If you think the night before the first meeting is not filled with him asking himself questions, you are wrong. Depending on what was said, this is crossing the Rubicon. I don't agree with him letting you hang, but if he is not going to cross that bridge and burn it behind him I can't blame him. Sorry you had your time wasted, but eventually he said "No, I can't do this."

2) He is a 14 year old boy using Mommy's computer.

3) Those pictures he sent were of Fabio. He did not want you to see he is a 48 year old bald guy with a beer gut.

4) He promised he can make a great onion soup, but he has no idea how to make onion soup. Trapped in his lie he sees this as the only way out.

Seriously, how long do you "vet" them? After to messages and a few IM's may not be sufficient. (Some people will wonder where I'm getting this from. You did not say. I'm not saying you said this. I'm guessing. [Why must I explain the obvious?)

One thing that MAY (emphasize "may") help you is to define a trial period. Forever is scary, but six months much less so.

(in reply to iwillserveu)

Post #: 13

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 11:54:00 AM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

I think the meet within a week for dinner sounds like a good idea. Thanks MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDawnbbwdomme

Can anyone here explain why a sub would waste both our times contacting a Mistress, chatting in im's, chats, and maybe phone calls and then NOT showing up for the real time meeting???

The simple explanation is that they are not really interested in a real time meet, but find the only way to get the online action they crave is by pretending they are. Many times they are married or otherwise commited to another.

My advice, either insist on real time meetings within the first week (or before you invest any real time into the relationship), or take a lot longer getting to know someone before you even consider a meet.

Yours,
Taggard

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 14

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 11:55:30 AM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Hi randsboy, I agree but several of them find me on yahoo or alt or here. I do not go to them for the most part. I just don't get what could be gained by this type of game & doubt I ever will. MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: randsboy

many are dreamers, but are totally afraid of RT. You will find very few true subs/slaves on a site like this. Most r wannabes and r deathly afraid to play out thier fantasies.

randsboy

(in reply to randsboy)

Post #: 15

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 11:56:18 AM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Stef now that I DO NOT understand! Why do people even bother just to hurt others??? MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: sfgrrl

It's not just the subs that don't show, it works both ways. I was supposed to meet someone at a munch earlier in the week and got stood up. No IM, no email since.

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 16

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:01:42 PM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Dear Lady Beckett, Hi and thanks for the kind words. I am limited in the real time local scene due to no vehicle right now BUT I do belong to some local groups <BI, POLY & D's> as well as one of the Dallas dungeons. I wish I could attend more real time events but until I can afford another vehicle I am stuck on the boards. I am lucky to have a nice Dom hubby whom started as my sub <taught him too well to switch for our PA group LOL> and he still subs to me on occasion and his subbie girl whom I can play with at any time as well as a neighbor male sub but it is just not the same as having my own full time subbie... you know? I look forward to chatting more with you in the future. MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBeckett

Don't give up.

If you came here seriously seeking to fill that space in your life/lifestyle. Then don't give up. The right one is out there somewhere. You just have to wade through all this other stuff first.

Consider the others "practice" for your communication skills, and making you aware of "what's out there", not to mention meeting some pretty incredible people along the way. Say, becoming interactive on these boards, for example. Pretty cool, huh?

So while you are waiting for just the right "sub" to come along. You can be having fun. Stay with us.

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 17

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:04:14 PM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Miz Suz Thanks! MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: MizSuz

There's lots of reasons, most of which have been mentioned here. I write here to empathize with your experience.

I hope you find what works for you soon.

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 18

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:08:22 PM

MsDawnbbwdomme

Posts: 52
Joined: 1/21/2004
Status: offline

Hi... I would love to talk to that person but they just disappear. No warning sign that I said or did anything to scare them..... maybe offereing references was toooo much? Geez doesn't everyone want safety references??? And I met my hubby in Alt.com about 5 yrs ago. I never met him face to face but we burned up the phone lines for a couple months and I drove to VA, packed his stuff and moved him in with me back in PA. So sometimes online does work out. I am glad you ran into your Master too! Blessings MsDawn

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I really can't give you the explanation. You'd have to talk to the person standing you up.

When I was searching I always showed up. Of course I only met at munches. Well twice I met alone...twice I had to do physical harm to the alledged Dominants.

Although I have been running a BDSM group now for over 4 years. I can give you the insight I have received. A lot of people are looking for a fantasy. When it comes time to meet they get scared. Actually that's normal.

Other people also tell me that the person they were communicating with scared them. They were chatting all along things were going great. Then, something off color was said. They then do not want to meet. Can't blame them.

How do you meet valid people online? I really don't have a clue. Myself I think I'd stay clear of BDSM sites. Think about it a moment. If you have a fantasy where are you going to find others who share your ideas? Does someone living real life need to be here to find a Dominant or submissive? Usually they go to outings...etc.

I really don't know I'm just offering you advice that is coming to my head. I myself made the mistake of checking out every BDSM site when searching. After two years I considered leaving the lifestyle frustrated as well. I then went into a vanilla chat room and met the Dom I was seeking all of that time. What are the odds, eh? Probably much higher than I can imagine though.

Anyway that is my two cents on the matter.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 19

RE: WHY DON't SUBS Show Up for Face to Face? - 7/24/2004 12:09:52 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDawnbbwdomme

Stef now that I DO NOT understand! Why do people even bother just to hurt others??? MsDawn

I've found that people, in general, just plain suck. Finding those that don't is where the challenge lies.

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to MsDawnbbwdomme)

Post #: 20

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