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Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:37:39 PM

Wyndrose

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/9/2008
Status: offline

I am very new to all this, and have some questions. I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me. I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices". Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me. But this new interest is something we can not share. Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other? Does it work out? Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him. If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both. I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose

Post #: 1

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:40:48 PM

Real_Trouble

Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

I am very new to all this, and have some questions. I have recently met someone (a dominant man) who has the potential to become very special to me. I am happily married to a man who has NO interest in what he considers "deviant sexual practices". Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband VERY much, and he is every inch devoted to me. But this new interest is something we can not share. Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other? Does it work out? Up until now, I have always been completely honest with him. If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both. I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose

In short?

No.

Any relationship founded upon deceit will ultimately fail, internally or externally, given enough time. You either need to be open about this, or make your choice.

Don't go down this path. This way lies ruin.

_____________________________

Send lawyers, guns, and money.

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 2

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:42:00 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

You will be cheating. Are you willing to destroy your marriage for the kink?
Whatever you hide, you run the risk of being found out, and if you are found out you might lose it all.
Think of it this way, if you found out he liked sex a different way, something you didnt do for him, and he had someone on the side... how would YOU take it?
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 3

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:42:27 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

Have you tried talking with your husband about whether he'd be willing to let you explore this outside the marriage? And what about this dom? is he willing to share you with your husband?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 4

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:43:23 PM

InsaenPleasures

Posts: 49
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Wyndrose

Hiding things never works. Even inadvertantly hiding them never really works. If you can come to an understanding with your husband that you can pursue this lifestyle and still be happily married, then do so. If not then you have a tough choice to make. Some people will say you should stay married, others will say pursue who you are. You should however, do what you feel is right for you and your commitments. Be very careful however, starting new commitments if the current ones are not solid.

Logan

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 5

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:45:31 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

My advice is to take off the ruby slippers and send the munchkins home, cause that yellow brick road ain't gonna end up in the Emerald City. Just click your heels three times and say, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home.....

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 6

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 6:45:35 PM

SweetNika

Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline

In my opinion IF you lie to your partner (regardless of the lables they were) you should step back and rethink your relationship. Are your needs being meet? If not can you honestly continue in such a relationship? If not then why not be honest and up front about it? In lying or hiding something you are betraying your partners trust, and once that is done it is very hard to gain back and sometimes impossible to gain back.

blessed be,
Nika

_____________________________

Blessed be,
Nika

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 7

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:01:03 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

This lifestyle that you are very new to is based on a foundation of consent. If you are wanting to hide this from your spouse he is obviously not in consent.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 8

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:01:59 PM

Alumbrado

Posts: 5560
Status: offline

You've got to do what works for you, and whichever choice you make (tell, hide it, or stay vanilla) you won't be the only one to have done so.

(in reply to SweetNika)

Post #: 9

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:13:12 PM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wyndrose

If it came down to it, I would stay with my husband and not pursue this path, however, I would like to have both. I welcome anyone's thoughts.

Wyndrose

Yes. Cheating always works out perfectly for everyone. Your husband will never find out, and, if he does, he'll be happy to learn you destroyed the sanctity of marriage to get your rocks off with some douchebag "dom" that doesn't care you're a married woman.

Cheating is a good course of action. Just watch Jerry Springer someday...those cheaters always live happily ever after.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 10

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:18:33 PM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

I agree ! and NO i hide Nothing from anyone i hold a dynamic with , lies and deceit are not a good thing for spouse or potential Dom .

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

Have you tried talking with your husband about whether he'd be willing to let you explore this outside the marriage? And what about this dom? is he willing to share you with your husband?

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 11

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:20:28 PM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

You don't lie to or deceive the people you love.

Nuff said.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 12

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:37:19 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?

Been there done that. Hubby did find out and is now my Dom, so for me it turned out ok, but i was one of the lucky ones. Be prepared for a lot of stress and don't let your dom take any pictures of you. It's not something i would recommend or do again.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 13

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:39:17 PM

FireSpright

Posts: 1
Joined: 5/24/2008
Status: offline

Alumbrado is right. Whatever you decide you will not be the first to walk that path. I strongly suggest that if you do choose to seek what you crave outside your marriage you take your time thinking about it. Make sure this Dom has your best interest at heart and will keep you safe...including your 'real' life. Take your time, don't do anything rash.

What stands out for me in you post is not your desire to explore outside your marriage but your husbands complete lack of acceptance. "Deviant sexual practices" is not a choice of words that expresses unconditional love. They are words laced with judgement.

While weighing your choices I suggest that you weigh the quality of your marriage as well. I'm not passing judgement ... but I am concerned.

Good luck to you!

(in reply to Viridana)

Post #: 14

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:50:51 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I won't tell you that you are wrong. You have your own set of morals/ethics to which you will or will not subscribe. I will say, however, that the more you hide from your spouse, the more you will feel that you are not being allowed to be who you really are. Hiding is one way of repressing yourself and your Self.

There are things you need to consider here:
1. How deep is the trust with your spouse? When you begin to do things that, if he did them to you, would undermine your trust, how long before the guilt of what you're doing will be too much? For some people, that's a long time and not a factor.
2. What happens when if he finds out? Even if nothing else, consider the legalities of what you do by having an affair. In some states/places, adultery is still grounds for not having custody or child support. It's rare, but it does happen.
3. What happens if you fall for the other man? Consider the possibility that you are willing to pursue this because you are willing to give up the relationship you already have. If this is the case, I highly recommend you give this one up before starting a new one.
4. How does this affect your potential Dominant? Being party to a nasty divorce as "the other man" will have ramifications for him, as well.

In the end, do what's right for you. There ARE people who do this without their partner's knowledge or consent. However, there are partners who do it with their partner's knowledge and consent. If there's any possibility that your SO would agree to allow you to meet these needs elsewhere, talk to him before you do anything.

Master Fire

< Message edited by MasterFireMaam -- 6/9/2008 8:31:16 PM >

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Wyndrose)

Post #: 15

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:55:57 PM

mztresn0w

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

I agree with what MasterFireMaam said. You are truly gifted MasterFireMaam.

_____________________________

Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
Wicked Evil Grin

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 16

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 7:58:38 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
Status: offline

If you're "happily married", and this is something "new" that you can live without, why are you even considering taking steps that could ruin your marriage?

If you can walk away from it, walk away. Find yourself another exciting novelty like skydiving, or some other activity that will get you out of the house for a while but doesn't involve breaking your marriage vows.

< Message edited by petdave -- 6/9/2008 7:59:55 PM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 17

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 8:04:12 PM

Daddyslilpookie

Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

quote:

Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?

Been there done that. Hubby did find out and is now my Dom, so for me it turned out ok, but i was one of the lucky ones. Be prepared for a lot of stress and don't let your dom take any pictures of you. It's not something i would recommend or do again.

I have been there as well proudsub and my husband is my Dominant, however it just didn't happen over night, it took several years and a seperation for my husband to become Master. My advice to the OP is don't do it, you will regret in the long run! I hope you heed this advice given to you, goodluck.

_____________________________

Princess Andie

"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 18

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 8:07:41 PM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I won't tell you that you are wrong. You have your own set of morals/ethics to which you will or will not subscribe. I will say, however, that the more you hide from your spouse, the more you will feel that you are not being allowed to be who you really are. Hiding is one way of repressing yourself and your Self.

There are things you need to consider here:
1. How deep is the trust with your spouse? When you begin to do things that, if he did them to you, would undermine your trust, how long before the guilt of what you're doing will be too much? For some people, that's a long time and not a factor.
2. What happens when if he finds out? Even if nothing else, consider the legalities of what you do by having an affair. In some stated, adultery is still grounds for not having custody or child support. It's rare, but it does happen.
3. What happens if you fall for the other man? Consider the possibility that you are willing to pursue this because you are willing to give up the relationship you already have. If this is the case, I highly recommend you give this one up before starting a new one.
4. How does this affect your potential Dominant? Being party to a nasty divorce as "the other man" will have ramifications for him, as well.

In the end, do what's right for you. There ARE people who do this without their partner's knowledge or consent. However, there are partners who do it with their partner's knowledge and consent. If there's any possibility that your SO would agree to allow you to meet these needs elsewhere, talk to him before you do anything.

Master Fire

No big surprise, I agree with Fire.

Cheating will have ramifications all over the place. Is the person you're cheating with willing to be "the other man", and if you get caught out, is he willing to support you through quite possibly a nasty divorce, loss of kids (if you have them), etc etc.

Your husband is not asking to be cheated on.

If he knows about your interests, then TALK to him about the possibility of seeking with his permission a Dominant outside the marriage.

And I also agree with another person on here...

If it's something you're willing to live without because of how much you love your husband...how can you possibly be considering cheating?

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 19

RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/9/2008 9:00:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've never known such a situation to work in the long term. Either the beans are spilled, the spouse finds out, or the affair ends.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 20

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