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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 9:38:47 PM   
SailingBum


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Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: figment

I think this is a great question to have asked,
f



What makes it a great question?   Since when does cheating/ lying on anything ever work out??? 

Mystified at some of the views on here.

BadOne

Someone, someday, somewhere is going to enlighten you.
Then at least you will be speaking from experience rather than from judgment.



I caught quite a bit of flack for that statement.  Mostly for being "judgemental" when that was not my intent.  Think of the times that you cheated  lied for whatever reason and got "caught".  Then explain to yourself what made it work out so "great"

I lost a person very close to me by cheating/ lying.

BadOne

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 11:25:13 PM   
figment


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline 		A hard lesson to learn, but great that you have come through it intact.

With the benefit of hindsight, all is clear.  The original poster as I read it was asking for advice under a difficult circumstance, and some posts to me seemed judgemental.  Do you remember your (or their) original motivations for the lying and cheating that caused the demise of your relationship?

I think that is the sort of info the thread was intended to stimulate.

just my view of course,
f



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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 2:11:11 AM   
darkeangelique


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/25/2008
Status: offline 		I understand how you are feeling. I have felt it.

After following my "new interest" for 6 months I couldnt live with myself and the guilt over my dishonest. Four years later I have lost my husband, home, children and, pretty soon, my job. What are you prepared to lose when it doesnt work out? If you arent prepared to lose anything you have worked for...dont risk it.

Oh yeah ....the photo advise...take it. NEVER let anyone take compromising photos...an angry Dom in a temper tantrum can do a lot of irreversable damage to your job and general reputation.

I hope you make the decision that works for you.

Be well

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Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 3:35:20 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
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quote:

Oh yeah ....the photo advise...take it. NEVER let anyone take compromising photos...an angry Dom in a temper tantrum can do a lot of irreversable damage to your job and general reputation.


I'm glad someone else picked up on that.  My dom posted some photos of me in a photo contest on an adult site ( i was naked cuffed to a door with chocolate sauce and whip cream all over me lol)) and that is how Hubby found out about us.  I would also be afraid of blackmail if it didn't work out and the dom wanted to get back at you for something.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 3:41:02 PM   
MidMichCowboy


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Status: offline 		NOTHING STAYS HIDDEN!
It may be ignored, but it will not stay hidden

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 5:15:32 PM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Even worse than cheating when something actually happened is the kind of psychological cheating when nothing has happened when one wishes it had.
Like being in love with another person outside of the marriage and feeling unable to tell one spouse and the object of one's love.
That really is like being between a rock and a hard place.


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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 5:17:50 PM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Even worse than cheating when something actually happened is the kind of psychological cheating when nothing has happened when one wishes it had.
Like being in love with another person outside of the marriage and feeling unable to tell one spouse and the object of one's love.
That really is like being between a rock and a hard place.



i am not really brimming with sympathy over this scenerio...


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Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 5:43:57 PM   
winterlight


Posts: 1319
Joined: 2/18/2006
Status: offline 		Is this Dom married. Do u or he have kids? What bout STD's. Is he really on the up and up?

If you have a wonderful marriage why mess it up? Can u live without your husband if he finds out and things go sour? How would the family feel about all of this?

Things to consider....If you have to hide something and i am NOT saying you are but some do. What is the price one pays?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/11/2008 6:12:57 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Even worse than cheating when something actually happened is the kind of psychological cheating when nothing has happened when one wishes it had.
Like being in love with another person outside of the marriage and feeling unable to tell one spouse and the object of one's love.
That really is like being between a rock and a hard place.



i am not really brimming with sympathy over this scenerio...



Agreed. I'm also not convinced that there are so many good reasons to deceive and to steal from those you profess to love.
Yep. Call me judgemental...
(I don't care)
But I *do* care about my family.

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Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 7:22:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Sometimes we all have difficult choices to make in life. Some will profess that you need to do what is best for you, what makes you happy. Others will profess that you need to do what is best for the greater good, best for all concerned.

The key is to find some sort of balance, a way to make the choices you can live with. Both physically, emotionally, and morally. It's tricky sometimes.

Another thought process, is to find the joy in the life you have. Very rarely is it 100% terrible, even if it isn't your dream, the life you wish you could have. AND very rarely is your dream, if it should come true, the 100% wonderful thing you imagined it to be.

Too much, we treat people and relationships as disposable rather than try to work with the choices and promises we made to create a working compromise. I take the commitments I make to people seriously. I think that it is easier to cut and run rather than talk, I mean really communicate, and work out something that is best for all involved. But easier is rarely better. Sometimes we have to end relationships but it is far better to do so with honesty rather than lies and deceit, regardless of how uncomfortable the idea makes you.

I prefer to try and make a commitment to myself, find joy in each day regardless of whether or not it is my ideal dream. And really work hard to live with integrity. I would rather make someone angry by my honesty rather than by lies and deceit.


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Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 7:50:27 AM   
ViceVersa


Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		Raise your hand if you'd like your spouse to get his or her sexual and emotional needs met by someone else for months or years on end behind your back. I know it can happen in a loveless, sexless marriage but if that's the case, what's the point?



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Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 7:58:16 AM   
figment


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Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ViceVersa

Raise your hand if you'd like your spouse to get his or her sexual and emotional needs met by someone else for months or years on end behind your back. I know it can happen in a loveless, sexless marriage but if that's the case, what's the point?




I couldnt agree more about it being a pointless excercise ultimately, but people do strange things when they have family commitments.  I assume that someone without children/financial ties would just walk.  But perhaps I am just hard.

f

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Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 8:16:19 AM   
ViceVersa


Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline 		Yeah...I know, figment...people stay in a marriage for financial reasons or because of the children (I did), but having an affair - particularly involving bdsm - jeopardizes both. People either enter into an affair thinking they won't get caught (unlikely) or hoping they will (sad).

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Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 8:36:20 AM   
figment


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ViceVersa

Yeah...I know, figment...people stay in a marriage for financial reasons or because of the children (I did), but having an affair - particularly involving bdsm - jeopardizes both. People either enter into an affair thinking they won't get caught (unlikely) or hoping they will (sad).

And this is why I am in a poly relationship. I figured out a while back that one man should not be expected to meet all of my needs  :-)

(in reply to ViceVersa)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/12/2008 9:41:31 AM   
BlueHnS


Posts: 166
Joined: 9/5/2005
Status: offline 		FR ~ I dont even know where to begin on this so bear with me as I ramble. 
I suppose I'll start with the actual questions ...  

"Do any of you have to hide things from your significant other?" No one HAS to hide anything ... ever. It's a choice one makes. Choosing to censor pertinent information, to me, implies that the foundation of said relationship is not stable. Oh, I know that it's easily justified away as "protecting the loved one". The reality is we're just as much, if not moreso also protecting ourselves from the potential backlash of our choices.

"Does it work out?" In my world ... No. If you feel you have to sneak about and hide anything then you've tarnished your character.

My story varies from yours in the fact that Pain knew whom and what I was BEFORE we were married.  He asked me to be something else and I gave it all the effort I could. Vanilla and monogamous were just to much for me. It itched, it was nasty and I just wanted it off me. 6 weeks into it I was having all kinds of tantrums, I justified alot of bullshyt in my mind, but I hadn't honestly tried. We talked, we yelled, we screamed, and then we talked some more. We're both very stubborn people. I'd see something of intrest and comment on it, but I refrained from taking action. The first year was not one of our greatest, but then again it wasn't one of our worst either. 

After that things changed. It took a long time for Pain to wrap his mind around some things. Some days it felt like we were going backwards not forwards. Some days I was so damn frustrated I wondered if it would be easier to split and not have to worry about it. So did he. Some days we talked and some days the silence was so heavy you could hold it.

In all of this 2 things didn't happen. Firstly, we never stopped searching for an equitable compromise. Secondly, we never stopped believing in each other, or gave the other a reason not to believe. We're approaching our 11th anniversary. As I type this Pain has become a excellent and interesting Dom in his own right.  It's been a strange progression, but I think it was worth it.  

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Profile   Post #: 95
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