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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 7:45:57 AM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline 		Gee, clueless, tell U/us what you really think.
 
Man, S/some P/pl on these boards seem bent on 'interpreting' any Op or post T/they choose to give T/themselves a pat on the back and feel superior. 
 
O well, it's a free site, and there's a handy little 'hide' button, so who cares.
 
To the Op:  There's a whole lot i could say about this, but your way of expressing yourself leaves the door wide open...and anyway, my morals and values probably aren't of great interest to you, since you don't know me.
 
So instead i'll tell you a little of what i have observed.  There's a whole wide rainbow of behaviors and situations that fall within the context of what you asked.  i have F/friends in D/s who are separated but can't afford to pay the filing fee to get divorced.  O/others are living with T/their spouse and lying to him/her in order to be with T/their D/s partner.  Some are married and poly, with spouses who (i'm told) accept that there will be O/others intimately involved with their spouse.  Some are happily married but have a need for kink.  T/they have a variety of different bargains with T/their spouses:  only online is okay; or real life play is okay but not sex; or only if the D/s partner chosen is also married....etc.
 
i remember the very instant i learned about D/s in its most basic form.  From that point on, i could not face a life with only 'vanilla' Men.  Your need for D/s is somethiing only you yourself can assess.  Just know that i believe there are O/others like me -- P/pl who need D/s as part of T/their intimate lives.
 
If, like me, you decide it's simply not possible to envision a fulfilling life without D/s, then you will have to further consider what manner of relationship you want with a Dom...and what manner of 'permission' you may want from your spouse.  It may be that your spouse will agree to a 'Don't ask/Don't Tell' policy.  It may be that you decide you will not tell him anything, and instead use subtrefuge to be with your Dom.  There are 1,000's of possible answers, and only you can choose which one suits you best.
 
What N/no O/one else here has mentioned is that, as a newbie to D/s, you have a steep learning curve ahead of you.  Issues of  safety are no less urgent for you just because you're married, so i encourage you to nuture yourself in D/s just as any other newbie should do.
 
i wish you every happiness, whatever you decide to do.
 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/10/2008 7:52:37 AM >

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:17:06 AM   
cluelessslave


Posts: 29
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Man, S/some P/pl on these boards seem bent on 'interpreting' any Op or post T/they choose to give T/themselves a pat on the back and feel superior.
like you just did

have a nice day

(in reply to pinksugarsub)
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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:22:03 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		There are many gray areas in life.  Being unfulfilled in a relationship is a huge one.  Not everyone has the freedom to leave and find their bliss, because of numerous reasons.  Should they live unhappily?  Or should they do something to make their lives more enjoyable.  Where does the happy of one take precedence over the happy of the whole?  Judgements are good, judging others strictly by your own moral code, perhaps not so good, especially if you've not had a similar experience.  Just some thoughts to rein it in a bit.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:26:54 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

There are many gray areas in life.  Being unfulfilled in a relationship is a huge one.  Not everyone has the freedom to leave and find their bliss, because of numerous reasons.  Should they live unhappily?  Or should they do something to make their lives more enjoyable.  Where does the happy of one take precedence over the happy of the whole?  Judgements are good, judging others strictly by your own moral code, perhaps not so good, especially if you've not had a similar experience.  Just some thoughts to rein it in a bit.


The immoral part is seeking to drag someone else into your own mess, and make it thiers too. Especially when you are lying to all concerned

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:29:11 AM   
CyberDom08


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		I have to agree, I was in the same position and went behind my wife's back and took on a submissive. Things were great for a while and then as was inevitable, my wife found out. We are working things out and have come to a compromise, in the bedroom, I am master, I run the show, I tie her up, spank her it is like 50/50 kinky sex and submitting. Outside the bedroom, things are more 50.50, which is fine because I never liked handling everything in our lives. If your husband thinks it is deviant, there are plenty of christians that are involved in BDSM activities. Tell him that this is what you like and it is important to you. You did not say if kids were involved but you need to resolve this or it maight ruin your life and marriage.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:31:58 AM   
CyberDom08


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		L/learn to W/write and the P/purple F/font is S/sooo A/anoying!!

(in reply to pinksugarsub)
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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:47:23 AM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CyberDom08

L/learn to W/write and the P/purple F/font is S/sooo A/anoying!!


Cyberdom, Sir, i believe You are looking for the 'Random Stupidity' board.  LMAO.
 
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1910901/tm.htm

 
pinksugarsub

< Message edited by pinksugarsub -- 6/10/2008 8:52:47 AM >

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:50:08 AM   
pinksugarsub


Posts: 1224
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cluelessslave

quote:

Man, S/some P/pl on these boards seem bent on 'interpreting' any Op or post T/they choose to give T/themselves a pat on the back and feel superior.
like you just did

have a nice day



Well, clueless, maybe i shouldn't have replied directly to you...there were many posts i meant to reference by my comment.
 
i'm sorry i was snotty to you.
 
pinksugarsub

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 9:29:34 AM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Work on changing your husbands attitudes... you are about to go down a path that is incredibly difficult to turn away from once you get to a certain point.... you can find person after person after person that has done what you are about two do... unfortunatly.... most of them lost whatever life they were living before hand and did a lot of destruction to get where they were finally happy.... and each one questions if it was worth it or not.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 9:44:55 AM   
mzbehavin


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		Upon the journey of self discovery, there is no turning back. If you really believe your husband wont accept this path, is he then defining your self? Are you willing to live inside that box? Is it possible you can express your submission by submitting to his ideals? The white picket fence isn't so straight is it...
You are assured a bad outcome going down the road of secrets and lies. Often its a wild and crazy ride though. I dont recommend it. Either stay with the Husband and walk away now before its too late (which we all know you wont do). Or love him enough to be honest with him about what you want to explore. If thats not possible, you know where door is. Theres a green light up ahead. Be strong enough to be honest with yourself.
Its your life, where do you want to be in 2 years?

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 10:37:13 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

I just want to add one thing here for the OP.  If you do go ahead and have the affair be warned that from that time on, whether your hubby finds out or not,  you may feel a terrible burden of guilt everytime you watch a tv show or movie that has an affair in the plot.  This has happened to me for the last 5 years and I can't even look Hubby in the eye when that is on tv.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 12:46:39 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		And you will always wonder if they know and are not telling you. Instead, suffering their pain in silence, quite simply because they love you that much.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 12:52:19 PM   
OTKkindaGirl


Posts: 447
Joined: 12/26/2005
From: NW Arkansas
Status: offline 		You are going to go through so much and to not be able to share or explain your deepest emotions to the man you promised everything to.  It  is going to be very difficult indeed and as others on here have said, you will truly be lying to yourself if you don't believe it.  There are a lot of aspects to consider.  As i see it right now, only you have control over you. Don't be so caught up in your desire and hungers that you lose your values and yourself.  You need to realize that to step into this lifestyle isn't a phase, you'll never come completely back from it unscathed.  It will become a part of you completely that even if you do manage to close a door on it, it will always be lurking in the shadows of your mind and memories.  Forbidden fruit is always so tempting but it isn't always the sweetest.  Like Eve.... you'll never be able to go back.  i truly don't mean to preach nor do i mean to judge.... i can only warn you.  If you love your marriage, you should respect your vows.  It really is that simple.  If you value yourself and your relationship with your husband at all then you must be honest with yourself as well as him.  If he is absolutely against this lifestyle, is he completely against little kinky things?  Maybe you can slowly and subtly get what you want as you teach him what you like.  What is it that you are wanting that he is not providing?  What is it that makes you want to serve another man?  Why can you not serve your husband just by being everything he might desire?  Do you even know what he desires?  Can you get him to open up that much or is this relationship as uptight as my own was?  How do you know he isn't on this site doing the same thing behind your back?   Trust, honesty, respect, and communication.  You can never have a successful relationship without these things.

Be true to yourself and hold yourself accountable for your own happiness.  It is your life and the way you choose to live it is soley yours.  What can you live with?  What can you live without.  You know.

Best of luck, and if you want an email pal, i am available.



< Message edited by OTKkindaGirl -- 6/10/2008 12:55:50 PM >

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 1:23:41 PM   
chickpea


Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline 		If you are getting married and still hiding important secrets, or with the intent to change them after marriage, you are intentionally fucking your life up.  Kind of funny how people who fuck up their own lives know how to blame the *circumstances* and get the naive, gullible, and easily swayed to help them loaf off of them.  But those truely who are victims of circumstances just lay their and look pathetic (probably their energy and hopes spent since they didn't walk into their mess themselves [like having billions of kids, then calling that circumstance...LMFAO!!! as if I was born yesterday... *ehrm*]), then people scoff at them and say, "they are trying to drag me in!!! OMG i'm a victim!!!". 

Really ridiculous how life works.... the difference between who thinks they're victims and who's actually a victim.  I think the person that THINKS they're a victim is one who actually lets OR fears other people having power over them.... either because they are (1) NOT STREET SMART ENOUGH to recognize the REAL leeching people...who've spent their who lives blaming circumstance (but not appearing that way) that it's become a skilled talent/artform/lifestyle for them  (2) Real life victims often take a passive role in life and depend on others for entertainment...so if someone isn't entertaining them, they consider them victims because they're FORCIFULLY AND VIOLENTLY BEING DEPRIVED of entertainment ... lol   "help, i'm getting sucked!"  ya, you fucker get some balls...sheez, seriously.  (3) Those that enable them to continue their lifestyle of seeing themselves as victims, but the person doesn't treat them like victim role they like to relegate themselves in (especially ones who want to leech off of them), are regarded as likeable and they want to help them so they can continue having those types of people around who treat them as they wanted to be treated....validating their constant

GROWN MEN WHO ARE IMMATURE ACT LIKE VICTIMS AND BLAME OTHERS, MAKE FUN OF OTHERS WHO DON'T SUPPORT THEIR IMMATURE LIFESTYLE, AND DON'T TAKE CHANCES AND PUT THEIR OWN LIVES TOGETHER.  They are immature, will always be wanting to hang around kids, and will never reach their full potential.  Oh well.  I blame them for marrying someone who doesn't share their kink, straying while married, and then all the while twisting the victim game.  Like "help, i'm being victimized by my vanilla spouse." 

Like grow the fuck up already.  LOSER  and get a divorce, unless you got a sugar mama or papa.  Then you deserve it.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 2:19:08 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Need a valium after that?

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 3:21:33 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Has anyone else noticed the OP hasn't responded?

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Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 3:29:35 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, I had thought the same thing.... as I said before... I very much doubt she came her looking for anything other than reasons to bolster the decision she had already made prior.

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We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom...... The Simpsons

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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 6:04:39 PM   
agoodgirl4Daddy


Posts: 336
Joined: 10/25/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps putting yourself in your spouse's shoes might clarify exactly what it is that you can live with and what you believe you need to do. 

After all, you are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror each morning.

Best wishes! 


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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 6:26:34 PM   
mzbehavin


Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
Status: offline 		I know the OP isn't responding, but feel she's reading. So when i come back to check the thread, heres chickpea...
chickpea, on a little side note for you**
Some people are married for years before they find out this lifestyle is real. Pre-existing vanilla...You can bring a horse to water but you cant force him to drink.
Its not always as simple as victims and perpetrators. I dont feel the victim angle applies here. Just my opinion.

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There's never really a good time for the whole Man to Beast thing...Just kind of~Whaum! and hope for the best...
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RE: Hiding it from your spouse? - 6/10/2008 8:47:41 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		It works long term because it allows some marriages to exist which would otherwise not exist.

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Profile   Post #: 80
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