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Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:03:19 AM

mistoferin

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Okay, this is just my brain twisting some thoughts around and I'm wondering what others think. I do not want this to be a thread about safewords...but about one of the reasons some people say that they want to have or use safewords...particularly "yellow" or its equivalent. For the purpose of this thread I will just refer to it as "yellow" but you can feel free to insert whatever word you personally use.

If you are in a scene and the sensations you are feeling are too intense or too painful...and you use your "yellow" word to get the dominant to back down a bit, are you not controlling the scene? Are you really submitting FULLY to the will of the dominant? Now I am NOT talking about communicating what you believe will be impending damage. Just when it feels too intense for your comfort.

I have often seen people post about not being able to "take" as much as the dominant wishes to give. I've felt that way myself at times. But if you use the word....isn't that taking (or attempting to take) control of the scene? I'm not talking about begging or pleading in hopes that he will have mercy. I'm not talking about crying or screaming if you have to in order to deal with it. I'm specifically referring to the submissive setting the parameters of the scene by the use of such words.

Thoughts?

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/16/2008 9:10:25 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

Post #: 1

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:11:33 AM

ownedgirlie

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I never get to decide when to slow down or stop or pull back or....anything! There have been times when the pain was so bad I was out of my mind in agony, and I begged begged begged him to let up. He did not. Evil sadist that he is, he grinned and teased me and kept going.

Now, I should interject here that he has owned me for four years and knows me intimately - my mind, heart, body reactions - everything. He knew I could handle what he was giving me, but I just didn't want to. Big difference. He did not back off, and when all was said and done, we both felt awesome that I took it and handled it.

Having said that, there have been other times when I seriously felt I was injured or becoming injured. I involuntarily let out a particular screech from my throat when that happens, and whenever that happens he immediately pulls back, says, "Talk to me" and waits for me to find words to communicate what's up. Sometimes I say, "It's nothing, I'm fine" and he keeps going. Other times I tell him of the possible injury. But it is his choice to pull back, even when I let out that weird screechy shriek.

He is always in control. He reads my body and my reactions and so far has been spot on, regarding when he pulls back and when he keeps going.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 2

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:18:48 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

...I'm specifically referring to the submissive setting the parameters of the scene by the use of such words.

Thoughts?...

setting ANY parameters of the scene is incredibly repulsive and a big turn-off to this slave, including, but not limited to the use of "yellow", "stop", "harder", "softer", "a little to the left, please", or "not tonight, honey".

if this slave was interested in calling the shots, she would not have become Master's slave.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 3

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:20:47 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
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From: Chicago, IL
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if i'm screaming "roses" at the top of my lungs, he backs off to allow me re-group and re-focus my concentration and/or to stop it all together.

in no way am i controlling the scene - merely vocalizing to him "the pain is too intense please stop".

_____________________________

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 4

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:21:50 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I never get to decide

He is always in control.

I'm really glad that you responded first owned, because I think that you probably get where my confusion lies. If I say that I am submitting myself completely to someone....wouldn't it be a compromise of that complete submission to assert control of the situation? What does "I can't take it" mean? Yes, I have felt like OMG I'm going to go completely insane if this continues. But is there a choice? If you are bound or even just told to be still and take it...wouldn't applying brakes to the situation mean that I was renegging to some degree on the "fullness" of the submission that I agreed to?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 5

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:24:15 AM

colouredin

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I think it depends on the type of relationship you have, as has been said before many a time there isnt just one way to do things, there isnt a rule about how a relationship should or shouldnt go and surely fundementally its about being happy, if your happiness comes from total submission to the other persons will or if its simply an impression of that it doesnt relaly matter. If you feel unable to carry on for whatever reason then there is no issue in saying so because clearly whats happening doesnt appeal to you, i dont know if that makes sense.

An example, in some relationships I have had no problem with stopping whats going on because of the type of relationship that it was, on other occasions with other people I would carry on dispite my discomfort because fundementally I knew that I would get a differant buzz from making the other person happy and thats what the relationship was built around and what I got most from.

Terms and labels and whatever makes no differance its about what makes you happy and whatever that means.

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(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:27:10 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I never get to decide

He is always in control.

I'm really glad that you responded first owned, because I think that you probably get where my confusion lies. If I say that I am submitting myself completely to someone....wouldn't it be a compromise of that complete submission to assert control of the situation? What does "I can't take it" mean? Yes, I have felt like OMG I'm going to go completely insane if this continues. But is there a choice? If you are bound or even just told to be still and take it...wouldn't applying brakes to the situation mean that I was renegging to some degree on the "fullness" of the submission that I agreed to?

In my opinion and in my relationship, yes. This is why, in fact, he sometimes doesn't even want me to protest by crying out, because in some realms, even crying out seems to be a rejection of what is happening. If my instinct is to scream out or fight back, then my instinct means I don't want what he is giving me, and I am rejecting it, and that is not what I promised him (or myself) at all.

To clarify, I can cry or groan in pain, but the screaming of bloody hell and holy terrorized murder had to stop, lol.

But, this isn't the case for everyone, Erin. In some relationships, the dominant wants the submissive to participate in guiding where they are going. So, if the submissive does not, then he/she is not obeying and not fulfilling what was previously agreed to.

It depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

_____________________________

Good is the enemy of great.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 7

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:28:01 AM

mistoferin

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Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin
I think it depends on the type of relationship you have

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
It depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

I agree. But for the sake of this particular topic I am specifically referring to those who say that they submit completely to the wants, needs, will of their dominant.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/16/2008 9:30:07 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 8

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:29:58 AM

Archer

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Joined: 3/11/2005
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The difference is in how one uses the safewords and what the expectation is.
I still use them even with Elegant who has been my slave for 9+ years.
Yellow= Sir I have a level of distress right at what I believe to be my limits (now do as you will with the information)
No control implied, no epectation that it will result in anything other than me having the information I need and require.

A safeword for me within my relationship is a call for communication of information that the slave wants to give me, nothing more.
Now outside of my long standing relationships they may or may not have negotiated a different expectation of safewords and I'll abide by what I have negotiated in those cases.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 9

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:40:13 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

A safeword for me within my relationship is a call for communication of information that the slave wants to give me, nothing more.

Yeah...

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 10

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:40:47 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
Yellow= Sir I have a level of distress right at what I believe to be my limits

See, that is where I think I am confused. What is the limit of how much pain one can take? I really am asking this in all sincerity. If there is no impending damage that will occur if the intensity is not lessened...what would be the concern of continuing or even stepping it up? I'm really not sure if "this hurts too much" is a viable limit.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 11

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:46:19 AM

Archer

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Ask those who have suffered under all sorts of torture that does not actually damage the body what the damages can be.
(snark meter test post) LOL

But serously there are limits to where the mind will break and folks all the time tak about how much they can take without damage, but seem to ignore the mental effects of high pain levels, continued over time.

But more to your second Q, Thes thing I expect is that she communicate distress, that reaches the level she thinks are about all she can take. Certainly After that I take the information into account and then do what I belive is right. Sometimes that's stopping sometimes it's backing off that thing and shifting tactics to another toy or style of play, and other times I just push right on through. I make the call, but I make it with as much information as I can get.

< Message edited by Archer -- 6/16/2008 9:49:31 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 12

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:50:22 AM

FRSguy

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Joined: 9/4/2007
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I agree that it could be a way of controling the scene and it has to be in place for things to be safe. Obviously there are woman who can take an incredible amount and woman that...well... cant. The woman that constantly safes out with a Dom would be considered.... less than an apropriet match for that Dom.

I have an amazing sense of pride in woman that can really take it... its so inapropriet to say that woman A is better than woman B because woman A can take and woman B cant. Its really a very strange thing because I could watch someone elses sub get tied, flogged, fisted ect. and I could compleatly applaud her and say things that some woman would find oh so degradeing. Some pets are just so amazing it would be a shame to keep them caged up all the time and not show them off...lol I guess its just what you like and how you want to be viewed and who is doing the viewing.

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 13

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:51:45 AM

christine1

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From: i'm headed to HIM...
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after negotiations and hard limits are agreed upon etc, yes i submit fully to a dominant according to the parameters of the relationship. i've never claimed to be a no limits slave and i never will be, i'm not cut out for it, so yes i do have certain things i can and can't deal with in a D/s relationship. if the dominant can accept those and me his, great...if not then we both move on.

personally i see nothing wrong with telling your partner that something is getting to be too much. but i can only relate it to how i feel about the subject. this is one of the reasons i don't get involved with heavy sadists. i can't take heavy pain, it wouldn't do any good for my dominant to keep pushing my pain or fear levels severely past what i can take...all that does is make me lash out and withdraw and not in a good way. however, if he encourages me during a scene where my pain/fear levels are being pushed and he doesnt' just go wild and crazy with no regards to how it might affect me then i can deal with it a little better. it's hard to explain, but those are my feelings and what works for me.

< Message edited by christine1 -- 6/16/2008 9:54:45 AM >

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(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 9:54:20 AM

bashfulhuck

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The only time I would use a safeword of any type myself is if I am injured and need help. That being said, the safewords are there for a reason..Am I controlling the scene if I use one? In a way yes, but if I believe I am injured, it is also my responsibilty to my Domina to let her know her property is broken in some way.
Is not one of the responsiblities of a good slave to protect his Owner's property?
There could be something going on that the Dominant can't see, it could be something as simple as a serious blood sugar crash (that can happen to anyone easily in a scene depending on intensity), to major muscle spasms and cramps that the Dominant cannot see, that if not dealt with immediately, can lead to injury.
But for me, the safeword would only be used in an extreme situation to let my Domina know that there is something seriously wrong, and that she needs to check me out to make sure I'll be ok.
If it just hurt too much, I just called her names (which made her laugh like hell and hit harder hehe), cried out, tried like hell to move away from a blow (She liked that, so she didn't manacle my ankles), and even at one point tried begging, which also just made her giggle and keep going. Pain I can deal with, and trusted my Domina to keep an eye on things and not push me too far, and she never did in that respect. I get injured or something is very wrong, I better let her know about it to avoid something really bad.

Peace and serenity,
the bashful one

(in reply to mistoferin)

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RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 10:06:52 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Okay, this is just my brain twisting some thoughts around and I'm wondering what others think. I do not want this to be a thread about safewords...but about one of the reasons some people say that they want to have or use safewords...particularly "yellow" or its equivalent. For the purpose of this thread I will just refer to it as "yellow" but you can feel free to insert whatever word you personally use.

If you are in a scene and the sensations you are feeling are too intense or too painful...and you use your "yellow" word to get the dominant to back down a bit, are you not controlling the scene? Are you really submitting FULLY to the will of the dominant? Now I am NOT talking about communicating what you believe will be impending damage. Just when it feels too intense for your comfort.

I have often seen people post about not being able to "take" as much as the dominant wishes to give. I've felt that way myself at times. But if you use the word....isn't that taking (or attempting to take) control of the scene? I'm not talking about begging or pleading in hopes that he will have mercy. I'm not talking about crying or screaming if you have to in order to deal with it. I'm specifically referring to the submissive setting the parameters of the scene by the use of such words.

Thoughts?

There have been times when I thought that I couldn't handle what is being dished out, especially at the beginning. And during those times I did think about asking him to slow down a bit. However, I also have this sick curiosity of wanting to see just how far I'll go until I break, he hasn't broken me yet.

(however, while typing this I got a wicked image of telling him "you break it, you buy it" when I'm feeling the intensity)

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 16

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 10:10:20 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
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From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

...I'm specifically referring to the submissive setting the parameters of the scene by the use of such words.

Thoughts?...

setting ANY parameters of the scene is incredibly repulsive and a big turn-off to this slave, including, but not limited to the use of "yellow", "stop", "harder", "softer", "a little to the left, please", or "not tonight, honey".

if this slave was interested in calling the shots, she would not have become Master's slave.

I seem to remember discussing something with you guys like "Uh Sir? Is that bone supposed to be sticking out of the skin like that? or: "Oh, I never realized that limb could bend in that direction.."

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A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 10:10:22 AM

brynnegrl

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For me, there can come a point where there are so many sensations going on at once, my brain and body get jumbles and confused. That is when he will pull back and let it all catch up, but then he will start again. It's more a matter of allowing me to catch my breath. And I agree, he knows when I truly CAN'T and when I just DON'T WANT TO. He pushes the limits that I have, and more often than not, those "nonono!" moments turn into "OH YES!" moments.

(in reply to bashfulhuck)

Post #: 18

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 10:14:55 AM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
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From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

A safeword for me within my relationship is a call for communication of information that the slave wants to give me, nothing more.

Yeah...

Once, in the middle of the night I think I did actually say, "please....stop.... too... intense.....can't....take....any...more..." which tickled you immensely if I remember correctly..

_____________________________

A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 19

RE: Stop it or back off....that's too intense... - 6/16/2008 10:54:04 AM

DominantJenny

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For many, using the safeword means automatic stopping of play until the issue is resolved. I think calling "yellow" is a shorthand way of saying, "I don't want to have that abrupt stop to the scene, but I'm letting you know that I may hit the point where I have to call it shortly if you continue as you are."
I use them this way in new relationships or when trying new toys/activities. Otherwise, my slave only safewords if he's about to turn on me physically (which has happened a few times, and is dangerous because he is distinctly stronger than me and we don't typically use restraints.)

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 20

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