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Emotional Boundries - 11/3/2005 8:50:05 PM

SirSix72

Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Greetings,

I have read many threads and experienced many things in my life and this is one I would like to see where veryone is coming from on this. Im not trying to rob a thread either I might add with the essay i intend to write.
I have seen many submissive that have limits that are supposedly "hard limits" such as dont touch my butt in public or slaves that dont play with more than one partner. While I can appericiate the personal dynamic of different relationships. I cant understand how this can become a limit that isnt supposed to be prodded. Such as playing with others. I know where most people are coming from at one time I used to be stingy with my sub/slave. I felt that I couldnt play with others or have my property entertain others. I quickly learnd that I grew emotionally when I allowed certain things to happen and that the foundation of trust and loyality that my relationship was built upon has survived through a great many things.
I feel that if you build your relationship on this simple foundation that the ability to overcome limits that were nce inconciviable are now able to be over come. I see a great many couples that have or are living a TPE lifestyle still have certain "limits" that they arent capable of over coming.There are some that I understand will always be there for myself and others such as scat or other indestible things.
What I do see in this lifestyle and many others is emotional boundries being placed as untouchable limits. Emotional growth isnt always pleasent but in the end it is very rewarding. To understand where each person is coming from and whom has integrity is quite liberating. If I send bella to service someone after the fact she is right back where she belongs at my feet. With her loyality in tact. I would like to hear about others experieces and how they have overcome an emotional boundry.

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

Post #: 1

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/3/2005 8:56:06 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I caught you on another post along these lines and in the main.....

I agree, limits are first negotiated by trust..

forget about eating shit or king..........

you aint even gonna think about saying hi, much less collars and cuffs if I am just an everyday asswipe.

Now if you do, you will be posting some insipid and tepid shit later on in this program like "Why do Masters always.................."

so, yeah, little calm, little reason, little communication, little pushing the envelope and all of a sudden it is a happy thing.

ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 2

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 2:04:51 AM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

I have seen many submissive that have limits that are supposedly "hard limits" such as dont touch my butt in public or slaves that dont play with more than one partner. While I can appericiate the personal dynamic of different relationships. I cant understand how this can become a limit that isnt supposed to be prodded. Such as playing with others.

I, nor my master/husband (Ty) have other partners. It is most definitely a hard limit. I think that most of that stems from the fact that we are married. I take that very seriously. When I told him "till death do us part" and promised my fidelity, I meant it, and I always keep my word. Until I met Ty, I was wild, and I mean really wild. There wasn't much that I hadn't done or was doing, and I'd seen quite a bit. When I met him, I knew love for the first time... true love, the lasting kind, the kind where I can massage his stinky feet and love doing it. I knew, when I committed to him, that I didn't want anyone else. He feels the same way. To us, our fidelity is a sacred bond and oath.
Sure, I'm attracted to other people occasionally, but only superficially. I have the most wonderful person I've ever met lying in bed with me every night. Why would I trade that in for a few hours of play that would be much less exciting than what I get from Ty?

quote:

I quickly learnd that I grew emotionally when I allowed certain things to happen and that the foundation of trust and loyality that my relationship was built upon has survived through a great many things.

I'm glad that you are happy with your life, and that sharing works out for you, and also that it led to emotional growth. However, sharing does not equate emotional maturity or trust. It helped you, but it's not for everyone. I have never trusted anyone more in my life than I trust Tyler. I trust him implicitly. For myself, the chance to be truly monogamous made me grow emotionally much more than sharing ever did. Having multiple partners, to me, used to mean I could do whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like it, with whoever I felt like. Being monogamous taught me restraint, discipline and trust that I'd never known before, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

quote:

I see a great many couples that have or are living a TPE lifestyle still have certain "limits" that they arent capable of over coming.

True enough. But don't we all have limits somewhere deep down? And it's not so much that Ty and I aren't capable of overcoming our limits, as that we truly don't want to (with regards to sharing partners). Different people require different things, and often their limits are there for very good reasons.

quote:

What I do see in this lifestyle and many others is emotional boundries being placed as untouchable limits. Emotional growth isnt always pleasent but in the end it is very rewarding. To understand where each person is coming from and whom has integrity is quite liberating. If I send bella to service someone after the fact she is right back where she belongs at my feet.

That is true. Emotional growth isn't always pleasant, yet we tend to come out as better people. However, why does one have to overcome a specific emotional boundary, such as sharing (because I get the creeping suspicion that you're talking about sharing again), to grow emotionally? There are other methods of growth, and that life choice is not for everyone. I made a promise that I fully intend to keep, and I have enjoyed great personal growth from it.

< Message edited by NakedOnMyChain -- 11/4/2005 2:11:11 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 3

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 2:20:16 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I have always found that even with people who claim to have limits, that alot of the time when they find someone they really learn to trust and who they want to give their all to, they do. Limits cease and barriers are let down. Thats emotional bounderies losing their borders. I think people often say certain limits because its the done thing, or they have been raised to feel its bad, like touching in public, kissing and even masurbation is one of the most recent taboos that has been released from its imprisonment in the last few years. But given the right circumstances and guidence - anythings possible - and its that realisation that breaks down the emotional boundries. Realising that you can achieve and be exactly what the Master wants.

Something I would suggest Six is that, on quite a few of the threads, Yourself and bella have mentioned over and over these profiles you have seen about 'not touching my but'... and this seems to have hit a nerve with you which you can't understand. I just wondered if you asked the person whos profile it is about their statement rather than mull over it and allow it to cause concern and questions in your life? It could be this person has a number of reasons - anything from physical abuse to mental abuse or to a phobia? It might be more understandable for you then? I used to have a terrible phobia when I was younger - and it effected me but with patience and trust it was removed, even though I didnt ever think it would or I could get over that. Just a thought.

Peace and Love

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 4

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:02:20 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I personally don't get the constant need to push limits, it's almost a fetish for some doms if they see a limit, that's EXACTLY what they go for.

This is life, this is relationships, those will push us more than enough on their own!

If everyone wants to explore and try new things, fine. I think if people stopped being so preoccupied with "it's a limit so let's push it" then they'd actually be able to deal with changes a LOT better, a lot slower and relaxed. Instead it's push push push push and no one gets a chance to breath or really take it easy.

Some things really do not need or should be pushed. If everyone IS comfy, what's the problem? Most humans naturally gravitate to new things, to exploring boundaries...there's no need to make it a "thing."

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 5

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:04:53 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dark~angel
Yourself and bella have mentioned over and over these profiles you have seen about 'not touching my but'... and this seems to have hit a nerve with you which you can't understand.

I know I don't mention it in my profile, but for me, touching my neck is a serious deal that should not be done casually. It's a huge erogenous/energy zone for me and I don't let people trespass there casually.

I have had people do so in attempts to be cute and establish a connection and...well they don't do it again.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 6

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:04:55 AM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

From personal experience, I agree with most everyone. Limits change over time, even mine. There were a large number of things I thought I would NEVER do, that now are a part of my life. Through growth, education, and experience my life has expanded.

I would not push limits without first finding out why it exists in the first place. If it is because of a lack of information or personal opinion, then it can be pushed and perhaps overcome. If there is evidence of emotional or mental abuse, then it is not to be touched. I am not a psychologist, psychitrist, or a medical doctor. So I do not feel qualified to "work" on those. However, as stated in my signature line, there is always something that is not off limits and can be used anytime.

If they have a limit that is something I have to have, then they are not the one for me. I wish them well and move on. There is no reason for two people to be together and unhappy.

As I said, this is just my opinion.

Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 7

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:06:42 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Has it entered your mind that those limits you think are not being overcome are the limits that the dominant or owner partner has as well?

Why would someone take on the responsibilites and pleasures of owning someone who had hard limits they needed to push or they couldn't agree with?

Successful 24/7 couples are those who have taken the time to find a partner they are compatible with. There is "not pushing limits" because the limits are fine or needed by both parties.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 8

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:48:50 AM

hawk58

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline

W/we too are married. It is wonderful that you and your husband share the same limits.

However, there is a vast difference between playing with someone (floging an ass) and f#$king them. Between serving someone (pouring a drink, cleaning Their house, washing their car, or acting as Their chaufer, vs f#$king someone.

I have played with other dominants- not had sex with them. I have served other dominants, and not had sex with them.

People sometimes confuse playing and service with sex. Not always the same thing.

And, as a married M/s couple; we wrote our own vows. For me to love, serve and obey...till death do us part, or until the respect for one another is gone.

Are we monogomous? Not really. What we define as "cheating" is not the act of having sex with another. But the act of deception. Anything one of us could do, wihtout the knowledge fo the other, and could potentially harm the relationship would be viewed as cheating.

We are seeking a 2nd girl for our house. When we have secured her- it will be a poly-fidelitious relationship. A closed circle of three. Does it cheapen or lessen the vows we took to one another? No, in His vowws he promised to alwasy care for me and my needs, and to be the Head of Household.In mine, i promised to love, obey, and care for Him and His needs.

Viva la difference!

As to limits: We have the same limits. I made sure of this befor accepting his collar. When i originally came ot him as a submissive, i had a few softer limits. All of which He could push if He so choose, but to push with care and caution. Nearly all of them have since fallen by the wayside.

Would He or i let another dominant playing with me push those limits? Nope. The trust hasnt ben established. And as His property- those are His limits to push, not anyone else's.

-dove

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 9

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:28:25 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

Hello All,
I think limits like rules are there as guidelines.
In interpersonal trusted connections those limits can often times be explored and overcome.
I think to set limits allows those to know where you stand at the moment. This communication of guidelines is the way the top can keep you comfortable in the notion nothing will happen you can't handle.
The more comfortable you are in trusting someone with your emotional self the more the limits relax.
For example I was so sure I'd never want bruises, never want to be caned, or ever play with whips last March, but I dearly love all three now. Those were my limits no one pushed me through without my consent. I think as we learn and grow our limits fluxuate much like the waves of the tide in the ocean do.
I started my relationship with my Master with 15 limits. After about four months together I've opted that I need no limits, as I trust my Master and I agree on where we stand.
He has indeed pushed my limits, I think that's a very sexy part of the control he has over me in our relationship.
I look at my Master pushing my limits as part of his responsibility as my guide and mentor. I love he has the ability to pull things out of me I never knew I had in me.
The tricky thing seems to be a good enough Master to know when someone is receptive to pushing limits and when they are not.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

< Message edited by plantlady64 -- 11/4/2005 7:30:19 AM >

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 10

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:30:16 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I personally don't get the constant need to push limits, it's almost a fetish for some doms if they see a limit, that's EXACTLY what they go for.

This is life, this is relationships, those will push us more than enough on their own!

If everyone wants to explore and try new things, fine. I think if people stopped being so preoccupied with "it's a limit so let's push it" then they'd actually be able to deal with changes a LOT better, a lot slower and relaxed. Instead it's push push push push and no one gets a chance to breath or really take it easy.

Some things really do not need or should be pushed. If everyone IS comfy, what's the problem? Most humans naturally gravitate to new things, to exploring boundaries...there's no need to make it a "thing."

Thank you! I thought I was the only one who observed this! Time and time again I see posts, both here and on other boards, with someone asking "How can I get them to do ....?" "Getting" someone to do what they don't want to do....why? Why can't a limit just be respected for what it is, which is a limit???

It seems like people are never happy with what they have. One guy's unhappy because his wife isn't into oral sex. So he becomes obsessed with getting a blow job. Next guy's wife or partner will give a blow job, but she won't swallow. He becomes obsessed with wanting her to swallow. Next guy's partner gives great head and swallows, but she won't deep throat. So now he HAS to "get" her to deep throat him. Next guy wants anal....and so on and so on.

Seems like the self-help books and society in general is more and more obsessed with 'getting what you want' for true happiness. My opinion is that we all need to start learning to accept and be happy with what we have. There's a a lot more peace of mind in acceptance than there is in wanting more.

Let it go!

windchymes

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:42:41 AM

Belladonna82

Posts: 171
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Master said it plainly but hehe i like to go on...

Every submissive/slaves has limits,but some are ment to be pushed.....a closed minded slave isnt a slave....she is wolf in sheeps clothing. There are some limits which are never ment to be pushed and those are Hard limits.Hard limits are those which would physicaly or emotionaly wound the sub/slave.
Example:i have a erregualar pulse so the only one i will allow to do things like breath control is the Master whom i serve now because ,for one i trust him completely and # 2 Master knows how to tell if it gets to erregular and he must let up which sometime is not to far into it.
With Soft limits they are just things that make the slave a little uncomfortable...like poly or swinging.
Example: The first time Master and i began the thought of swinging and him kissing and having sex with anouther woman i freak the plum out...Master took me slow and told me if at any time i got scared just to look at him and he could tell by my eyes if i was uncomfortable.The first time we had any at all interaction with a swingers couple i was uneasy at first...and still slightly am but i am willing to try again just to see if i can over come it.

Masters are ment to help the sub/slave become better people....emotional boundries are not always limits but just dislikes.i dislike men touching me without Masters permission....but i have learned(since Master runs a swingers club) that at times i just have to smile and be polite and not wanna b*tch slap them lol......
Emotional boundries are just little bumps...people need to stop making a mountain out of a mole hill.

_____________________________

Blessed be!

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 12

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 8:22:43 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I should clarify....

I don't have a problem with pushing a limit. New worlds can be discovered and explored and I personally have found that I liked things that I didn't think I would. But if it's pushed and it doesn't work for the pushee, then I think it should be let go.

My complaint was against those who become obsessed with a limit simply because it's there.

wc

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 13

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 8:38:03 AM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline

The only limits I care about are those my slave feels she has. And those I will push until they are no longer limits. But I always take it one step at a time, and I do agree with one poster, a limit that could cause emotional problems. But if MY slave didn't like having her arse touched in public all I can say is, it is not her arse it is mine........

_____________________________

Those who can make you believe absurdities
can make you commit atrocities.
—Voltaire

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong
—Voltaire

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 14

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 8:59:14 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

i love D/s...and will never go back to vanilla...but i will either find my One...who shares my values and "kinks" such as they are ...or i won't. One of my core values is monogamy. Don't feel up to the commitment? Then ask the next woman..i realise not everyone feels as i do, and that is of no importance to me. i can respect other people and their behaviors even though i'd never tolerate those behaviors in my D/s relationship.

i expect to learn from my One..not be harmed by Him. Not have Him betray His word to me.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 11/5/2005 3:49:52 PM >

(in reply to WickedKev)

Post #: 15

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 9:02:07 AM

SirSix72

Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

Hawk58,

thank you for your input this is the way Myself and bella feel about sharing or playing with others...it isnt always about sex.....and I agree that many people get their wires crossed thinking that service means sex..........when bella and I first met we established lots of things that werent ever tried or had been tried in her previous relationships and failed......I took these faliures as my responsibility to show her that it could be done with honesty and respect........we always know where each others loyalties lie.......and if there is ever another slave in this house then she will be welcomed with love and respect........

and windchimes I not looking for something that bella wont do or am I obsessed with finding someone that will do things that others wont.......and the thread about how do i get him/her to do this is really great threads.......it shows many that once what they thought as inconceviable can now be done..........I have been around an alternative lifestyle for a very long time and have had many good and bad experiences......this is human to make mistakes and learn from them..........I dont see how pushing a boundry such as service to others as something that would harm anyone..........this is an act of selflessness...........it took bella a long time to accept these things and much deliberation and consideration on my part....she knows that im always there for her to listen to what she has to say or feel and I break it down logically for her so that she may better understand.........Like I said in the OP I used to be one of those ones that was stingy...I learned from it and modified it to make things better......its called trust in one another
Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to hawk58)

Post #: 16

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 9:13:06 AM

Belladonna82

Posts: 171
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

hehe Well said Master...
Master has never pushed me so hard i hated him.....he knows my fears and knows why those fears are there....every limit he has pushed he has done so with care....he knows the very far a few between limits that wont be crossed....lol heck the only one i can think of is the limit of breath control....Master knows if someone else tried it my submission personality would go out the door....but thats only because of one my erregualr pulse/heart beat and unless you know my range i could be physicaly hurt..if not killed....i am a nurse by trade so i also know my medical limits which Master understands....but HE HAS NEVER PUSHED ME INTO A "HARD LIMIT" so get that idea and throw it out the window ...lol

_____________________________

Blessed be!

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 17

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 2:12:34 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

However, there is a vast difference between playing with someone (floging an ass) and f#$king them. Between serving someone (pouring a drink, cleaning Their house, washing their car, or acting as Their chaufer, vs f#$king someone.
I have played with other dominants- not had sex with them. I have served other dominants, and not had sex with them.
People sometimes confuse playing and service with sex. Not always the same thing.

I agree. I have several close, personal friends that function in the same manner. It works so well for them that I could never say it was wrong. However someone chooses to live their life, as long as it is in their best interest and they're not being simply self-destructive is OK with me. I don't feel the need to play with or have sex with others, but if my friends or others do, then good for them! Everyone has an individual path they have to walk in life. No one person's path is going to exactly fit anothers. The route will vary in strides taken, curves gone around, and method of getting there. I guess it's all summed up with "different strokes for different folks", and that's alright by me. Good luck in your search for a third!

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to hawk58)

Post #: 18

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 2:37:10 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82
With Soft limits they are just things that make the slave a little uncomfortable...like poly or swinging.

For some, these *are* hard limits. Not everyone *can* have non-monogamous relationships. It's a wiring thing.

quote:

Masters are ment to help the sub/slave become better people

While I agree that all partners in a relationship should ideally complement their partners, thus helping make them better people, I don't agree that it's necessarily/specifically a d-type's job.

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 19

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 3:20:53 PM

sunshine333

Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline

i think there's a difference between facing fears and honoring compatibility.

i would not want to be owned by someone who will allow me to hide from life. i believe that pushing some limits (unique to each person) is healthy. and i mean that within and without the lifestyle. i view soft limits to be things we're afraid of or would rather avoid. they're the ones that can be experimented with ... but as Lucky Albotross pointed out ... no need to make it a "thing." as far as hard limits ... i'd much rather leave them alone. and my preference is to be with someone who i am certain will respect them. i believe that limits can be changed and reestablished over time ... but if all a dominant wants to do is push push push my limits ... he will quickly have pushed himself out of my life. i find that constant pushing is annoying.

humbly,
sunshine

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 20

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