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RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 3:39:19 PM

Belladonna82

Posts: 171
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....Trust must be there...but if you are unable to trust the Master you serve then why did you wish to be owned by him??? Emotionaly wounded wouldnt want it...but if of sound mind...why not....Master doesnt leave you stranded on the side....its a way to explore yourself even more so....

As for Masters being ment to help the slave/sub become a better person...if the Master just wants to bring me down he can go to hell.....i am may be property but i am expensive property...why get a corvette if you just plan to tear it up??? A Master who miss treats and doesnt want the sub/slave to become a well rounded individual is nothing but a player feeding off a submissive desire to please.....If you think thats a Master maybe you need a little research.....i'd bet 99.9% of all the submissives/slaves would agree.....A Master trains you to be well rounded ,like a gem..take a dirty rock...clean it up shape it spend a little time...and you have a ruby or emerald......if you wanna dirty rock.......then get a rock!

_____________________________

Blessed be!

(in reply to ImpGrrl)

Post #: 21

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 3:47:36 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82
if you wanna dirty rock.......then get a rock!

<~~~dirty rock...lick me clean Imp!

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 22

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 3:48:52 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....

What a load of bunkum.

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 23

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 3:58:20 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

I think what may be the difference here is semantics. What You seem to view as an emotional boundary, I see as challenges to overcome. For me boundaries are the things that protect my well-being. For example, I was raped at a young age. For me, sexual intercourse is something that I can only have with someone I have an emotional connection to and deep trust in, and it's not just about enjoyment either. If I have intercourse with someone that I do not have an emotional connection to my mental health is threatened. It brings up all the thoughts and feelings that I worked years to overcome after being raped. As a result, this is a limit that my Lord has set for me to protect my emotional boundary. He will not give me to someone to have intercourse with them. This is not something that He will ever push. This doesn't include play or other sexual acts.

There are quite a few things that are challenges for me that working through will cause me to grow emotionally. One was knife play. I was scared to death of knife play and didn't think I could ever let anyone get close to me with a knife much less mark me with it. However because of the deep trust I have in my Lord, knife play is now one of my favorite forms of play. There is no fear now when He uses a knife on me. For me that play is not about sensation or the mind fuck, it's completely about celebrating the depth of my trust in my Lord and I will be quite sad when my first marks fade away.

I have limits that my Lord has set and they are there to protect my well-being and are not to be pushed. I have challenges, things I have not experienced or are new experiences that I am working through. Being in an open poly relationship is a challenge for me. It has not always been easy to deal with but it has been extremely emotionally rewarding. However, I do not think that everyone is cut out to be in a poly or open relationship. Some people just are not wired that way.

Knight's kyra

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 24

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 4:03:48 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....

Maybe for you.

quote:

Trust must be there...but if you are unable to trust the Master you serve then why did you wish to be owned by him??? Emotionaly wounded wouldnt want it...but if of sound mind...why not....Master doesnt leave you stranded on the side....its a way to explore yourself even more so....

Oh, I'm in full agreement that poly is great - for me. I've been poly, in various capacities, for years.

But it isn't for everyone, and to cheapen others' needs/experiences by telling them "If only you *trusted* more, you'd be fine!" is, in my opinion, narrow-minded and quite rude.

quote:

As for Masters being ment to help the slave/sub become a better person...if the Master just wants to bring me down he can go to hell.....i am may be property but i am expensive property...why get a corvette if you just plan to tear it up??? A Master who miss treats and doesnt want the sub/slave to become a well rounded individual is nothing but a player feeding off a submissive desire to please.....If you think thats a Master maybe you need a little research.....i'd bet 99.9% of all the submissives/slaves would agree.....A Master trains you to be well rounded ,like a gem..take a dirty rock...clean it up shape it spend a little time...and you have a ruby or emerald......if you wanna dirty rock.......then get a rock!

There is a *vast* difference between "it's a master's responsibility to make you better" and "a master brings the slave down".

In my opinion, people should *already* be well-functioning, well-rounded individuals, *before* getting into relationships.

A good match won't compromise that - but it's not their responsibility to make their partner a "better person", either.

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 25

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 4:42:36 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshine333

i think there's a difference between facing fears and honoring compatibility.

i would not want to be owned by someone who will allow me to hide from life. i believe that pushing some limits (unique to each person) is healthy. and i mean that within and without the lifestyle. i view soft limits to be things we're afraid of or would rather avoid. they're the ones that can be experimented with ... but as Lucky Albotross pointed out ... no need to make it a "thing." as far as hard limits ... i'd much rather leave them alone. and my preference is to be with someone who i am certain will respect them. i believe that limits can be changed and reestablished over time ... but if all a dominant wants to do is push push push my limits ... he will quickly have pushed himself out of my life. i find that constant pushing is annoying.

humbly,
sunshine

This is pretty much what I was trying to say. Wish I'd have said it as well as you did, sunshine :)

I will say one more time, it's NOT the pushing I'm objecting to. I'm objecting to when it becomes OBSESSION. If both parties are happy with it, like belladonna and SirSix, then that's great!

Entering into a relationship determined to break down every single limit the partner may have, and I'm also talking about extreme limits, like scat, cutting, animals, is not great, IMO. Especially if you have a partner who IS open to almost everything imaginable, but she declares (for example) that she will not be a human toilet.....if you decide there and then that she WILL be a human toilet and God help her until she does, JUST because YOU ARE THE DOM AND HER LIMITS WILL BE BROKEN....well, I still feel that that's just not right.

So, push away, if that's what the both parties want. It's a good thing. If it becomes a "thing".....it's a bad thing.

wc

(in reply to sunshine333)

Post #: 26

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 5:06:05 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I dont see how pushing a boundry such as service to others as something that would harm anyone..........this is an act of selflessness...........

SirSix

This is what i don't get: while i show respect for Your values..You disrespect mine. i am certain of what will make me happy; bring me peace; and add joy to my life. Monogamy is a necessity for me. It would be nice to feel that the mutual respect we owe one another was honored.

candystripper

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 27

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 5:11:34 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....

Belladonna2

Insulted by both parties to a M/s relationship. Lordy. We pay lip service to accepting other people's "kinks" and yet when someone disagrees with us, there is always the possibility that they're just stupid...or weak...or "emotionally wounded". It can't be that it is simply a fact that not all of us feel the same way; want the same things; or must accept another's ethos as our own.

candystripper

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 28

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 5:47:27 PM

SirSix72

Posts: 347
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

candystripper,

you still dont get what we are trying to get across...read some of the other posts.....do you view service as sex? If I send bella to another Masters house that needs help well cleaning the home or doing something outside then this is service...it isnt always sexual but if they have gained my trust and I see that they have integrity then yes they can use her.......I can understand that you need monogamy and im sure there are Doms out there that want the same thing.....im not trying to cheapen anyones life experieice...what im trying to do is to see if it is emotional baggage that makes people say they want monogamy....im not new thot his lifestlye and I have seen this feable attempt to control play because of something that happened in a previous marriage.....I find playing with others and having them play with bella gratifying personally.......she had baggage when I took her on and I have relieived her from it...this is my story and hers and we are both here telling it............she is emotionally secure and ready to leap off to new heights in tis lifestyle without the fear of wondering if I will play with others without her knowledge....to play with another without the others knowledge is cheating but if all parties involved are informed about a SSC act then it is animalistic sex then...and very hot, erotic and lots of fun..........I used to be possesive of her and others I had before her and I learned from it

Master Six

_____________________________

I wish you well

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 29

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:46:21 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

I don't see monogamy as an "emotional boundary" but as a personal moral or personal value. Some people are monogamous, only, period. Some people are raised to believe that monogamy is the way things are "meant" to be. Some people are just more comfortable with monogamy. I can say that when I first met my partner I was uncomfortable with playing with others, or involving a third. Now, it is less of an issue for me. I have watching my dominant play with someone else (I was there beside him), and I have played with others too (both as a bottom and a top). However, my main concern wasn't intimacy or monogamy, but worries that I would become jealous or upset. I'm getting over that.

But not everyone does, and that's cool too. I don't think being monogamous makes you un-explored or something. It's just part of how you identify.

Your other possible scenario was butt-touching in public. As I recall, you seem to use this one a lot, so I wonder if you've run into this scenario before and had a serious problem with it. Know this: It used to make me extremely uncomfortable to be touched in certain ways in public. It's taboo. It's hard to get over. It can be humiliating in a very un fun way. Some people may never get over that. There's nothing *wrong* with that. It doesn't mean you aren't growing as a person because you have emotional limitations.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to SirSix72)

Post #: 30

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:54:00 PM

Sunshine119

Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....Trust must be there...but if you are unable to trust the Master you serve then why did you wish to be owned by him??? Emotionaly wounded wouldnt want it...but if of sound mind...why not....Master doesnt leave you stranded on the side....its a way to explore yourself even more so....

With all due respect Bella, what credentialing do you have to have to determine that only the “emotionally wounded” find poly/swinging to be a limit? Where in the DSM-IV does it state that? There are many people for whom monogamy IS a limit and unless that person states that they wish to test or explore that limit, that limit should be respected. As for potential Masters? If poly/swinging is a must for them, I hope they will simply pass over any profile that states that monogamy is a limit for them and look for a submissive that desires what they do.

Whatever happened to the philosophy of not passing judgment on people in this lifestyle that do not share the same likes, dislikes and limits that each of us chooses for ourselves? Believe it or not, MANY are not poly and they should not be berated nor insulted for saying so. Many do not swing. Many do not have sex with another than their own Master. Many Masters only have sex with their submissives. And while this might be a shock to you, most are neither emotionally wounded nor close-minded!

Frankly, it is close-minded to pass judgment on those who do not share YOUR kink!

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 31

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 6:57:41 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna82

:) Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....Trust must be there...but if you are unable to trust the Master you serve then why did you wish to be owned by him??? Emotionaly wounded wouldnt want it...but if of sound mind...why not....Master doesnt leave you stranded on the side....its a way to explore yourself even more so....

With all due respect Bella, what credentialing do you have to have to determine that only the “emotionally wounded” find poly/swinging to be a limit? Where in the DSM-IV does it state that? There are many people for whom monogamy IS a limit and unless that person states that they wish to test or explore that limit, that limit should be respected. As for potential Masters? If poly/swinging is a must for them, I hope they will simply pass over any profile that states that monogamy is a limit for them and look for a submissive that desires what they do.

Whatever happened to the philosophy of not passing judgment on people in this lifestyle that do not share the same likes, dislikes and limits that each of us chooses for ourselves? Believe it or not, MANY are not poly and they should not be berated nor insulted for saying so. Many do not swing. Many do not have sex with another than their own Master. Many Masters only have sex with their submissives. And while this might be a shock to you, most are neither emotionally wounded nor close-minded!

Frankly, it is close-minded to pass judgment on those who do not share YOUR kink!

Ditto

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 32

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:10:37 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

With all due respect Bella, what credentialing do you have to have to determine that only the “emotionally wounded” find poly/swinging to be a limit?

She's 23. What other credentials does she need?

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 33

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:14:32 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stef

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

With all due respect Bella, what credentialing do you have to have to determine that only the “emotionally wounded” find poly/swinging to be a limit?

She's 23. What other credentials does she need?

~stef

Is that comment really called for? What does her age have to do with her intolerant remarks? You can be 75 and a half and still be intolerant.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 34

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:32:42 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Thank you! I thought I was the only one who observed this! Time and time again I see posts, both here and on other boards, with someone asking "How can I get them to do ....?" "Getting" someone to do what they don't want to do....why? Why can't a limit just be respected for what it is, which is a limit???

It seems like people are never happy with what they have. One guy's unhappy because his wife isn't into oral sex. So he becomes obsessed with getting a blow job. Next guy's wife or partner will give a blow job, but she won't swallow. He becomes obsessed with wanting her to swallow. Next guy's partner gives great head and swallows, but she won't deep throat. So now he HAS to "get" her to deep throat him. Next guy wants anal....and so on and so on.

Seems like the self-help books and society in general is more and more obsessed with 'getting what you want' for true happiness. My opinion is that we all need to start learning to accept and be happy with what we have. There's a a lot more peace of mind in acceptance than there is in wanting more.

Let it go!

windchymes

I don't see any particular virtue in accepting -or- in desiring. A balance of the two is what makes a life that is both adventurous and secure. If you have a limit that you don't want pushed, then you choose to have people in your life who won't push that limit. If you want to get past a limit, and are looking for someone to help you to push the boundaries, you choose someone like that in your life. Sometimes, you want a little of both, and taking the time to choose the right associations will make for a pleasant balance. Every so often, everyone will push for something they want, even though they know that the person(s) they are with aren't really wanting the same thing...and sometimes, the person who isn't interested yields out of a willingness to give something special to the other person--and sometimes they say no, and mean it, and the person who is asking yields ground and doesn't push the issue. Occasionally, there is the insensitive boor who insists on everything xhe wants, regardless of anyone else's feelings, and they usually end up very much alone, and just as dissatisfied with their lives as they were when they were pushing someone else around, and there isn't really a fix for this, it's just a part of life.

Take responsibility for your likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, and choices. Accept that others may have different things that work for them. Choose your relationships according to what works to make your life and the other person's life productive and happy. How can you possibly lose, even when there are rocky times?

Lady Zephyr

< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 11/4/2005 7:33:07 PM >

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 35

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 7:37:16 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

It's called irony.

Calm your pretty head, precious. I was only trying to make a point.

~stef

_____________________________

Welcome to PoliticSpace! If you came here expecting meaningful BDSM discussions, boy are you in the wrong place.

"Hypocrisy has consequences"

(in reply to KittenWithaTwist)

Post #: 36

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 8:00:42 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

I wouldn't necessarily count on the DSM-IV to tell me what was emotionally healthy or not. Up until recently, same-gender interests and relationships were considered to be symptomatic of mental illness.

Mental illness, in my opinion, is anything that limits an individual and prevents him or her from leading a fulfilling life. If you don't like heights, but are able to climb a mountain with your kids to see the view, your dislike isn't a phobia, just a preference. If you have to stand on the bottom of the hill because even the joy of seeing the view with your kids can't overcome your fear, it is a phobia. The former is just part of getting through life. The latter is a problem.

If you're happily married, and an invitation to have sex with another person really doesn't interest you, it isn't a mental health issue, it's a preference. If the idea of even someone who -isn't- you choosing to be married and have additional partners (honestly and openly known to their marriage partner) freaks you out and turns your stomach, and keeps you from even wanting to have a person who joyfully and honestly lives that way in your circle of acquaintances, chances are that it is more than just a preference and that there is a phobia involved.

I don't believe that it is true that the only people who choose monogamy are mentally ill. Some people are -very- happy and completely satisfied with monogamous, loving relationships. They are healthy, happy, and what other people choose to do in their relationships doesn't bother them.

In the same way, I don't believe that everyone who chooses a poly relationship is emotionally stable, happy and well-adjusted. Some folks who "practice poly" are commitment-phobic, unstable and indecisive. Some claim poly because they can't stand the idea of being alone, and are willing to sublimate their own needs just to be in -any- relationship, even though they know it is unhealthy for them. Some folks are passive-aggressive and use their lover's poly nature as a way of blackmailing the partner, allowing their lover to get close to someone else, and then finding cruel ways to force the partner to give up the other person to "prove" their love.

Every permutation of relationships can be healthy or hurtful. It depends completely on how honest we are with ourselves, first, and the people we are in a relationship with next.

Lady Zephyr

(in reply to Sunshine119)

Post #: 37

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 8:22:33 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i enjoy your responses. short to the point and at times amuseing.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 38

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/4/2005 9:15:09 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stef

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunshine119

With all due respect Bella, what credentialing do you have to have to determine that only the “emotionally wounded” find poly/swinging to be a limit?

She's 23. What other credentials does she need?

~stef

Heyyyyy penalty for calling the age card. That won't work even if I agree or disagree with the person's views.

(in reply to stef)

Post #: 39

RE: Emotional Boundries - 11/5/2005 1:12:11 AM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

Poly/swinging is only a hard limit if you are emotionaly wounded and closed minded....Trust must be there...but if you are unable to trust the Master you serve then why did you wish to be owned by him??? Emotionaly wounded wouldnt want it...but if of sound mind...why not

Not even close. I am not emotionally wounded, and I'm certainly not closed minded, I possess a great deal of trust in master, and you ask why not.... Because I don't want to. It's as simple as that. Master is the best there is for me, and I refuse to settle for less. Frankly, I find your insinuations baseless and rude. Just because something works for you does NOT mean that it works for someone else. I suggest that you work on building a bit of tolerance before you resume so rashly pointing fingers and calling names.

quote:

A Master who miss treats and doesnt want the sub/slave to become a well rounded individual is nothing but a player feeding off a submissive desire to please

So you're implying that, by not sharing me, master is "mistreating" me and hindering me from becoming a well-rounded individual? <snorts out a chuckle> Apparently you have a lot to learn. I couldn't be happier with the way things are going for master and I. I respect your right to live your life how you like, you need to show others that same respect.

quote:

.....If you think thats a Master maybe you need a little research.....i'd bet 99.9% of all the submissives/slaves would agree.....A Master trains you to be well rounded ,like a gem..take a dirty rock...clean it up shape it spend a little time...and you have a ruby or emerald......if you wanna dirty rock.......then get a rock!

Oh, trust me, I've done my research. The only one that seems to be misguided here is you. Master may help to shape my character, but at the same time, I help shape his. We grow and learn together. We help each other. As a well polished individual (which I am, with or without master), I can honestly say that you're showing a true lack of polish in making such base assumptions.

< Message edited by NakedOnMyChain -- 11/5/2005 1:25:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to Belladonna82)

Post #: 40

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