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RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:50:04 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

It sounds as though you have some experience with that.

It is one of the things he says he absolutely hated about his last sub, that she would constantly check up on him.

Well this is either a situation where he picks insecure submissives that need to check up on him, or he is giving reason for them to feel the need to check up on him. It sounds like he has trained you not to challenge him in any way and that is one of the best screens that someone who has something to hide uses. Don't do this... I hate it... so and so did that and it really bothered me. Well... fair play. Your ex did this too... you really hated it and it bothered you. If he points a finger... run in that direction, because I doubt you are going to get the truth if he is using defense rather than honestly dealing with it all. My heart goes out to you... not in a pity sort of way... but from being there. Don't get sidelined here. Stay strong.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 21

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:58:23 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

I am with you on being best at written communication - oftentimes I will forget my point or lose my train of thought. How about writing down some notes or a quick list of the things that you need to talk about? Sounds a bit silly, but it will give you something to focus on if you feel emotional.

My condolences ... this is a difficult situation for you.

Thank you. Notes would be great, but I am not allowed to bring them to a conversation. He says he wants me to learn how to talk to him without having to write everything down.

You get to decide if you're going to be a victim here. If you need notes, bring them. If he tells you he wants you to learn how to speak without them, tell him you're working on it, but -you- wanted him to abide by his choice of monogamy, so you'll use notes for now, since you haven't progressed to that point yet, and you feel the need to make sure this particular communication is not misunderstood.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 22

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 6:58:39 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. So here's a {{{hug}}} for what it's worth. Best of luck to you.

Thank you!! The hug is most appreciated!!

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 23

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 7:00:52 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

Well this is either a situation where he picks insecure submissives that need to check up on him, or he is giving reason for them to feel the need to check up on him. It sounds like he has trained you not to challenge him in any way and that is one of the best screens that someone who has something to hide uses. Don't do this... I hate it... so and so did that and it really bothered me. Well... fair play. Your ex did this too... you really hated it and it bothered you. If he points a finger... run in that direction, because I doubt you are going to get the truth if he is using defense rather than honestly dealing with it all. My heart goes out to you... not in a pity sort of way... but from being there. Don't get sidelined here. Stay strong.

I will stay strong. I have to. I don't ever want to be in the position again where I let myself get with my ex. Thank you for your thoughts.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 24

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 7:03:10 PM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

I am with you on being best at written communication - oftentimes I will forget my point or lose my train of thought. How about writing down some notes or a quick list of the things that you need to talk about? Sounds a bit silly, but it will give you something to focus on if you feel emotional.

My condolences ... this is a difficult situation for you.

Thank you. Notes would be great, but I am not allowed to bring them to a conversation. He says he wants me to learn how to talk to him without having to write everything down.

You get to decide if you're going to be a victim here. If you need notes, bring them. If he tells you he wants you to learn how to speak without them, tell him you're working on it, but -you- wanted him to abide by his choice of monogamy, so you'll use notes for now, since you haven't progressed to that point yet, and you feel the need to make sure this particular communication is not misunderstood.

Calla Firestorm

I love this! Yes! I need my notes. For that matter, I need to write out exactly what I want to say, and if I need to read it, then so be it. On such an emotionally charged topic, I need all the help I can get to get out what I need to say.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 25

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 7:24:20 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I love this! Yes! I need my notes. For that matter, I need to write out exactly what I want to say, and if I need to read it, then so be it. On such an emotionally charged topic, I need all the help I can get to get out what I need to say.

Good for you. If he truly cares about you being able to communicate effectively with him about something that you tell him up front you're very upset about, he shouldn't have any problem with breaking his rule and letting you use the notes. Honestly, if he chooses to make that his sticking point and attacks you because of it, I'd just calmly walk out and let him know you're available to talk when he decides to listen.

You have to be strong and keep your wits about you and remember that you have a valid concern which needs to be addressed. If he chooses to not let you address it in a way that is comfortable for you, then that speaks volumes.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 26

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 10:28:52 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

What's wrong with a simple and direct and straitforward approach. So, I noticed you set your profile to state you're looking for new subs, what's up with that.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 27

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 10:55:27 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

If it's OK for Him to go against His promise ... then I really don't see why it's not OK for you to use notes if that's what it takes for you to communicate clearly and effectively! I'm getting the impression of a very insecure Dominant here ... whose last girl checked up on Him (yeah, so why did she need to?) and who is so interested in good communication that He denies His new sub the tools to improve that! At very least He hasn't a clue, at worst, He's a cheating bastard. OP ... by all means use your notes to confront Him this time, but do be on guard and think very dispassionately about what life ahead with Him is likely to be like. He's not the only Dom in the sea ...
HUGS
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 28

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/6/2008 11:24:46 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

Firestorm, Thank you for your reply. The thing is he swore to me he wasn't poly and was happier in a mono relationship.

Hear gentleslaveheart
My heart goes out to you.
This scenario would break me.
I am praying and hoping for support for you.
Don't be hurt by anyone telling you it's just a drama and to move on.
Take you time, seek all the support and advise you can.
If you are cheated on it is far too simple for others to say this is because there is sometyhing within you. No one deserves a cheater. You do not deserve this.
You deserve better.
Prinnie...sending a huge hug xx

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 29

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 1:25:25 AM

simpleplan2

Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline

I'm afraid the dishonesty would be a deal breaker with me also. It's possible that he may have decided that he wants to explore a poly relationship, but in my opinion, he still should have discussed it with you first. Prinsex x is 100% correct. You do deserve better than this. So, write down what you want to say, take notes if you need them and just do it. You'll feel better no matter what the outcome. Good luck.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 30

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 2:33:57 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart
I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

It sounds as though you have some experience with that.

It is one of the things he says he absolutely hated about his last sub, that she would constantly check up on him.

Well this is either a situation where he picks insecure submissives that need to check up on him, or he is giving reason for them to feel the need to check up on him. It sounds like he has trained you not to challenge him in any way and that is one of the best screens that someone who has something to hide uses. Don't do this... I hate it... so and so did that and it really bothered me. Well... fair play. Your ex did this too... you really hated it and it bothered you. If he points a finger... run in that direction, because I doubt you are going to get the truth if he is using defense rather than honestly dealing with it all. My heart goes out to you... not in a pity sort of way... but from being there. Don't get sidelined here. Stay strong.

i agree with the advice you've received so far. i just wanted to point out that my Master and i perv each other's profiles all the time. We even have our 'search' preferences set so that if we are on line, that's the profile that displays on the home page. We do that not because of any mistrust on either part but because while we are apart, it's just another way to keep connected. Of course, if we change up our pictures or make any other changes to our profiles, we tell each other.

i personally think it would be very childish of your guy to think looking at his profile is 'checking up' on him. It's a public profile for pity's sake, and Lockit is spot on, the only reason he wouldn't want YOU to see his PUBIC profile is because he's hiding something from you alone.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 31

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 2:45:26 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It is one of the things he says he absolutely hated about his last sub, that she would constantly check up on him.

Well, then, you are screwed because you can't call him out because he's already framed the debate for you, and instilled guilt so that he can run around and do what ever he wants with you sitting around feeling like it's YOUR fault.

To think, all those bras were burned in vain....

Strip away the dynamics of what it is we do, and we are still human beings. And if you allow yourself to be screwed over, then you just feed into the mockery he's making of your relationship.

This situation is not healthy. Solid intimate relationships of any kind are based first and foremost in trust. If you take away the trust, what have you really got?

If what you are telling us in your beginning post is true, that he promised to discuss with you any interest in bringing others into your relationship, and he didn't, it appears you are well within your rights to confront him. I would, however, have a well thought out plan of action moving forward from that initial confrontation.

PL

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 32

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 3:12:27 AM

MidMichCowboy

Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

Thank you also for the suggestions on how to approach him with this. I really like the letter idea, but he requires that I talk to him and not write or read to him. It puts me at a serious disadvantage, however, because when it comes to getting the words out in a way that makes sense and says what I want to say, it just doesn't happen.

I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

All you have to do is print off his profile and circle the portion you are concerned with. Hand it to him and ask "Why?". If he does not answer or gets angry that you are "checking up on him" you have your answer. He is guilty.

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 33

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 3:30:25 AM

SpiderInWaiting

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I'm really upset right now. I just found out my Master updated his profile today to say he is "once again" searching for a sub. I really don't want to get into a debate over whether Masters can have more than one sub or do things without the sub being ok with it. The simple fact is this... he has told me a few times in the year and a half we have been seeing each other - promised me even - that he is not looking for anyone and would tell me beforehand if he changed his mind. This is something that has been of concern to me recently as I just have had a gut feeling. It started when I asked why he chose not to change his profile to indicate he has a sub and is not seeking any longer. His response then was that he just hadn't gotten around to it, and I didn't press the issue because I didn't want to start an argument. Maybe that wasn't the best thing for me to do.

I feel terrible and like a fool. My ex-husband cheated on me a number of times. I should know the signs! Anyway, I'm just not sure how to approach a conversation with him about this. I know I am supposed to come to him respectfully, but questioning his judgement is hardly respectful. Just what is the protocol in a situation like this? If I were thinking of ending things I wouldn't be worried about this, but I know from experience that things like this can be worked through. I didn't agree to be his slave to have it end over the first upset without at least talking it through with him.

I know I'm rambling. I don't really know what I am trying to say other than I want some good advice on how to bring up this conversation. He is going to be upset that I was checking up on him, and I can understand that, but yet when you have a public profile that anyone can see... well, I feel you shouldn't have anything on there you would be ashamed to have seen. Communication is not my strongest suit, and I really don't want this to turn into a ugly thing. Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you.

First I will say that it sounds like you often discount what it is that you have to say. That will be a problem in any relationship you have because it undermines communication. Secondly, respect goes both ways. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you? Are you able to respect yourself? Third, being passive and being submissive are not the same thing. If you think it's a good idea to be passive and not address issues because you are sub, is something that will only lead to grief and it seems that it already has. Open and honest communication is a staple and a building block of a good relationship be it vanilla or bdsm. This goes for sub or dom. Whatever he said or didn't say, it's still up to you to speak up and talk about any problems you have having with him. If you are nervous about talking to him, too bad, suck it up and speak up before any problems compound from lack of communication.

_____________________________

"Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!"

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 34

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 3:35:14 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I do understand your emotional need, but what is it that you hope to accomplish by talking to him?

That may seem like a silly question, but you need to have this clear in your own mind before anything else.

Are you hoping that he will say it is a mistake? Are you hoping he will confess that he is indeed unsatisfied? Are you hoping to change his mind? Are you hoping to force him to choose between you and some possible future relationship with someone else?

It seems apparent that no matter what your conversation entails, you have a decision to make. Unless you truly believe that you are somehow mistaken, you know what he has done. You know what agreements and understandings you have in your relationship.

You just need to decide what you are willing to live with. He's apparently made his choice... now you get to make yours.

(in reply to gentleslaveheart)

Post #: 35

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 4:30:33 AM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

Firestorm, Thank you for your reply. The thing is he swore to me he wasn't poly and was happier in a mono relationship.

Hear gentleslaveheart
My heart goes out to you.
This scenario would break me.
I am praying and hoping for support for you.
Don't be hurt by anyone telling you it's just a drama and to move on.
Take you time, seek all the support and advise you can.
If you are cheated on it is far too simple for others to say this is because there is sometyhing within you. No one deserves a cheater. You do not deserve this.
You deserve better.
Prinnie...sending a huge hug xx

Prinnie... Thank you. The support and encouragement I am recieving here from all the people who have posted just touches my heart and gives me strength.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 36

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 4:34:43 AM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

i agree with the advice you've received so far. i just wanted to point out that my Master and i perv each other's profiles all the time. We even have our 'search' preferences set so that if we are on line, that's the profile that displays on the home page. We do that not because of any mistrust on either part but because while we are apart, it's just another way to keep connected. Of course, if we change up our pictures or make any other changes to our profiles, we tell each other.

i personally think it would be very childish of your guy to think looking at his profile is 'checking up' on him. It's a public profile for pity's sake, and Lockit is spot on, the only reason he wouldn't want YOU to see his PUBIC profile is because he's hiding something from you alone.

Good luck to you.

This is how I feel. I don't ride by his house or check his phone when we are together. I don't snoop around on his computer. I look at two PUBLIC profiles. Actually, the profile here I use to check and see if he's awake before I call him as he usually pops on first thing when he wakes up and he sleeps odd and varied hours.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 37

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 4:40:09 AM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I do understand your emotional need, but what is it that you hope to accomplish by talking to him?

That may seem like a silly question, but you need to have this clear in your own mind before anything else.

Are you hoping that he will say it is a mistake? Are you hoping he will confess that he is indeed unsatisfied? Are you hoping to change his mind? Are you hoping to force him to choose between you and some possible future relationship with someone else?

It seems apparent that no matter what your conversation entails, you have a decision to make. Unless you truly believe that you are somehow mistaken, you know what he has done. You know what agreements and understandings you have in your relationship.

You just need to decide what you are willing to live with. He's apparently made his choice... now you get to make yours.

I'm just hoping to get everything out in the open. I can deal with him wanting another sub much better than I can feeling lied to. I just know with dishonesty, the relationship is doomed. With honesty, there still may be a chance.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 38

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 4:45:46 AM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MidMichCowboy

quote:

ORIGINAL: gentleslaveheart

Thank you also for the suggestions on how to approach him with this. I really like the letter idea, but he requires that I talk to him and not write or read to him. It puts me at a serious disadvantage, however, because when it comes to getting the words out in a way that makes sense and says what I want to say, it just doesn't happen.

I am just so afraid that he will turn this around to focus on how I was checking up on him while the real issue goes un-dealt with.

All you have to do is print off his profile and circle the portion you are concerned with. Hand it to him and ask "Why?". If he does not answer or gets angry that you are "checking up on him" you have your answer. He is guilty.

I love this idea! I actually printed the one profile where it showed the date it was updated, so he can't deny it. Plus, a simple "I am wondering why?" may save a lot of drama.

(in reply to MidMichCowboy)

Post #: 39

RE: protocol and communication question - 7/7/2008 4:49:28 AM

gentleslaveheart

Posts: 28
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

What's wrong with a simple and direct and straitforward approach. So, I noticed you set your profile to state you're looking for new subs, what's up with that.

Coupled with MidMichiganCowboy's print out the profile and hand it to him, this seems like the least difficult way to open the conversation. I still think I want to have some things written down, in case I get all tongue tied, but this seems a simple, easy, straightforward way to put the issue on the table.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 40

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