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RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/12/2008 7:45:05 PM   
shellzbythesea


Posts: 120
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This thread is universal as it applies to both "D" and "s" folks.

Whichever side of the slash your on, you have spent anywhere from two to six months with one that you have developed a serious interest in. You may have engaged in some cyber or perhaps not but you have had some good discloses of mutual interests.

The first R/T meeting is scheduled. From the "D" standpoint what are your expectations? From the "s" standpoint what are your concerns and what safeguards are considered, just in case?

CP

From the "s" standpoint, I'm mostly concerned about whether we'll click or not.  I've met a handful of D's from this site and a handful of vanilla guys from a site I frequented previously.  In all but a couple of occasions, regardless of how "close" we felt via IMs/emails/phone calls, etc...there was no real connection in real time.  So now I rarely spend too much time online...I prefer to meet sooner rather than later.  The less time spent on the "build up" the less time spent mulling over the "let down."
 
I also make it clear that the first meet will not go beyond vanilla for me.  If the D doesn't agree to this, it's the wrong fit to begin with.
 
Regarding safety, I rely on meeting in public rather than safe calls (usually a restaurant).

I do think I'm going to switch to only agreeing to meet at socials from now on, though.  There's just too much stress and build up for the one-on-one meets and it rarely ends up the way I'd hoped.


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/12/2008 8:52:45 PM   
silkncarol


Posts: 318
Status: offline 		 
I'm not sure you can put a time limit on talking before you're ready to meet someone real time or a guarantee that devoting months to discussion will ensure real time chemisty and compatiblity.  I've talked with a Dominant online for hours, weeks, months... met and wondered where the heck is the person i've been talking to?!?!?  It's too easy to change or modify your personality behind the keyboard. When i feel a connection i want to look into their eyes, hear their voice...see how they carry themselves...are they courteous, a gentleman, have good hygiene?  Many things you just can't be sure of until you meet. 

I think you have to have common sense about meeting....the usual standard fare....public place, tell friends where you'll be, etc, etc..we've all heard them said a million times...so just remember you're responsible for your own safety an act accordingly.   Dominants need to think about their own safety...especially if they're playing with someone the first time in a hotel situation....there are some crazy subs out there too.  You don't want to try and explain what RACK or SSC mean to the police......

One last thought.....The fear of rejection can happen on either side of the "slash".....so be kind.  


quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This thread is universal as it applies to both "D" and "s" folks.

Whichever side of the slash your on, you have spent anywhere from two to six months with one that you have developed a serious interest in. You may have engaged in some cyber or perhaps not but you have had some good discloses of mutual interests.

The first R/T meeting is scheduled. From the "D" standpoint what are your expectations? From the "s" standpoint what are your concerns and what safeguards are considered, just in case?

CP


_____________________________

We attract hearts by the qualities we display. We retain them by the qualities we possess.

Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/12/2008 9:00:17 PM   
oblige


Posts: 38
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		"...you have had some good discloses of mutual interests."

gosh, I hope so after 2 to 6 mo!   I tend to go for sooner than later meetings in face time. By by my choice I am more open to local people vs. those Nations or many States apart. (tho, if all went well that would be no issue other than figuring out finances to travel, etc. )

Online intimacy just makes me more interested in a face time meet. I try to allow things to flow minus too high "expectations" about anything face time or cyber.

So, from either side, D or s, basic human before meet dating precuations seem sensible. Examples are plentiful: meet in public first, do not divulge your total personal details like full name, address, etc before meeting. Have a safe call mid date to a friend who knows where you are, bla, bla. Kinda basic stuff to me as a woman who has dated from online and face time connections.

Making friends and being open to what may happen with few expectations works best for me.  Of course my human heart tends to go toward desires or expectations, so I just allow my natural openness yet at the same time allow my thinking self to take charge for a while...

"just in case" common sense precuations are smart at first few meetings,  but no need to be overly paranoid if you click.  Use your brain at the same time as our heart, sexuality, kink, etc, and perhaps at least you will make a friend.

Be well, ~oblige






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"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." (TS Elliot)

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/12/2008 11:30:19 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I chatted and got very comfortable and friendly with a guy I chatted with for a full year before it got more intimate (if you can call online intimate).  A year after that I discovered he also was posing as a lesbian female in an f4f chat room.
It IS a crap shoot.
Time online is time online.  You don't know someone until you meet, and have passed the honeymoon stage.  Then you find out who leaves the cap off the toothpaste, who cant balance a checkbook, who needs to make sure all the toes on his socks are lined up right to left before they are rolled together. 
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

quote:

meeting people off the net is a crap shoot...doesnt matter how much time you spend.


faery,

Nope I disagree. I once had a submissive do a "play Misty" routine on me when I did not spend enought time on line.

CP


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 4:36:56 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Kallisto, thanks for the nice words, but let me clarify one point. What I meant about being careful not to fall for the imaginary person is that we do tend to build up people we talk to online intimately as being the ultimate. However, I didn’t intend it to mean the internet is a bad place to get to know each other. Actually, I believe it is quite the opposite.

There is too much pressure on people these days to meet, fuck and play without knowing each other that well. This is where the internet is a good thing because the nature of our lifestyle requires getting to know each other’s deep feelings and desires, if you are smart.

The internet gives time, a no pressure setting and a degree of anonymity that you can gradually give up as the picture becomes clearer. Whether an actual checklist is used or not, we go through a mental one with someone we are talking with. By the time I’ve met someone, I know their fun side, dark thoughts, fears and desires in addition to a myriad of things from movie, politics and music tastes that they couldn’t possibly share with someone over coffee or dinner.

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You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to kallisto)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 5:53:22 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This thread is universal as it applies to both "D" and "s" folks.

Whichever side of the slash your on, you have spent anywhere from two to six months with one that you have developed a serious interest in. You may have engaged in some cyber or perhaps not but you have had some good discloses of mutual interests.

The first R/T meeting is scheduled. From the "D" standpoint what are your expectations? From the "s" standpoint what are your concerns and what safeguards are considered, just in case?

CP


I've always preferred to meet sooner.  Within weeks.  Why waste time if there isn't any chemistry and it's impossible to tell if there is unless you are sitting next to and talking to the other person...or being tied up and fucked by them.    I always met and played on first meet except for one time...that time was the only time I had red flags.  We met outside of Lowe's and I got into his car so we could talk.  He didn't chop my head off and he answered any question I had. 
As for safety measures...for me, none, nada, nope.  I rely on my judgement.  If I disappear there's enough info on my laptop.  Impossible to be anonymous in this day and age.  If someone really wants to hurt someone then they will regardless of any safe calls etc. 

Your mileage may vary.  This is what has worked for me in the past.

< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 7/13/2008 6:41:05 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 6:33:21 AM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968


We met outside of Lowe's and I got into his car so we could talk. 




OMG THAT WAS YOU!

So, did you ever get that sink unclogged?

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Aileen1968)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 6:36:01 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Ha!   Yeah that was me babeeeee!!
I can always unclog a sink.

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(in reply to chiaThePet)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 9:30:10 AM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
This thread is universal as it applies to both "D" and "s" folks.

Whichever side of the slash your on, you have spent anywhere from two to six months with one that you have developed a serious interest in. You may have engaged in some cyber or perhaps not but you have had some good discloses of mutual interests.

The first R/T meeting is scheduled. From the "D" standpoint what are your expectations? From the "s" standpoint what are your concerns and what safeguards are considered, just in case?

CP
 

I have spent that sort of time getting to know somebody online several times, before taking the trip to meet them.  Each time, the chemistry that seemed so solid when communicating online turned out to be non-existant when face to face. 

The reason for this, I think, is that people do not present themselves as they truly are online.  I'm not talking about deliberate deception, although there's often a good bit of self deception involved..  I'm talking about flawed mirrors.  People present their own self image and often what they see in themselves is not what other see when meet them.  It's sort of like the face you see in the mirror is not the face you see in photographs of yourself.  I'm not claiming, by the way, that the flawed self image was always on the part of the other parties.  I have been just as guilty of this as anyone else, maybe more than many.

After the last time I took a long trip only to have it not work out, I stopped looking for Ms Right online and joined the local BDSM community.  Now, for the most part, I meet face to face first and then do some communication online.  I do still look for friends online, although mostly I look for local women and encourage them to join the community as well.  If she becomes a "special friend" of mine, great.  If not, her joining adds to and strengthens the local community.

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 9:53:42 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think that is a part of it.  But I also think that people fall in love with what they imagine.  People fall in love with themselves, using what they want, and force soemone else to fit that mold.  Reality isn't real until you pass the honeymoon stage.  Unfortunately when a lot of those off the net meetings meet for the first time and find that spark didn't happen, no one gets the chance to get to that honeymoon stage.
For me, that is wasted time.  Kinda nuts to put your life on hold for months when you can meet asap and see if sparks fly in real life.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle

The reason for this, I think, is that people do not present themselves as they truly are online.  I'm not talking about deliberate deception, although there's often a good bit of self deception involved..  I'm talking about flawed mirrors.  People present their own self image and often what they see in themselves is not what other see when meet them.  .

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/13/2008 1:13:31 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

As I walked through the arrivals gate - late at night almost totally empty airport - DV was standing on the other side of the barrier waving to me. This nice old lady who had been sitting near me on the plane (and had clearly noted my growing nerves) noticed and as we walked through the gate she turned to me and said "Oh thats lovely, having someone waiting to meet you" .. DV laughed and ... before saying anything to me ...said "Well it's about time, I have been waiting three years for her". That evaporated every fear or concern I had. Just in the snap of a second they melted away ... before He even said a word to me.


softness,

I am impressed, 3 years !!! Now that is patience and your comments had to make me smile / good fortune to you and He!

CP

(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 10:17:10 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Completely depends on the person and circumstances- we could just have dinner, or we could be fucking within ten minutes.


LA,

Tis not like you to gloss over a point with geralizations.

CP

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 10:20:40 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

And...my sister had phone numbers, names, etc and I would always follow up with her after meeting anyone so she knew I was safe.


sue,

a safe call in reverse? Thanks for sharing with us.

CP

(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 10:22:49 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

*fast reply*

I use to take months, but now a week or two is fine. There are a couple must before I will meet someone though. 1) I have to see a photo and 2) At least talk on the phone once or twice.

I pretty much trust my gut when it comes to a persons voice. When I'm meeting them they know on my computer desk is a piece of paper with their name, phone, where we are meeting, and that I will more than likely get a phone call checking up on me (sometimes I have the call, sometimes not). The first time I go to a persons house I also do the same thing. I ask them if they have a issue with this. If I get told yes, simple I wont go. I've never had anyone to have a problem with this.



sandy,

fast reply; two weeks?

CP

(in reply to Sandyshores29718)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 3:28:01 PM   
jade01


Posts: 35
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

This thread is universal as it applies to both "D" and "s" folks.

Whichever side of the slash your on, you have spent anywhere from two to six months with one that you have developed a serious interest in. You may have engaged in some cyber or perhaps not but you have had some good discloses of mutual interests.

The first R/T meeting is scheduled. From the "D" standpoint what are your expectations? From the "s" standpoint what are your concerns and what safeguards are considered, just in case?

CP


I read most of the answers to this post and found it was easier to simply start with the first thread...

All excited about meeting the first time in R/T, which now I feel extreamly foolish about...I repainted the inside of my home, had the carpets cleaned...ect.

He was planning to stay here anywhere from a few days to more, this was uncertain...I had the neighbors aware and watching, so I did not fear for myself.

May be I was a tad extream, but we had been speaking for several months, He was LD, and took time out in His busy schedule to visit.

Only problem is, it has turned out not so good.

Not always is sharing by phone, net, ect. and thinking one is being trusting, open and honest always true...even 'if' you are.

I lived and learned...the biggest thing I learned...stay in my own place, stop with the LDR, I really wish to serve R/T, I am unable to do so in any other way.

Sincerely,
jade

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 4:02:52 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		cub and i talked online and on the phone for a couple months before that first meeting.  met at a burger king of all places, an easy quick bite to eat type of meeting to see if we wanted to carry things further.  the following week we spent our first night together and have been together ever since.  it worked for us, but that doesn't mean it would work for everyone.  you have to follow your gut and use common sense. 
PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




(in reply to jade01)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 4:49:50 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

From the "s" standpoint, I'm mostly concerned about whether we'll click or not. I've met a handful of D's from this site and a handful of vanilla guys from a site I frequented previously. In all but a couple of occasions, regardless of how "close" we felt via IMs/emails/phone calls, etc...there was no real connection in real time. So now I rarely spend too much time online...I prefer to meet sooner rather than later. The less time spent on the "build up" the less time spent mulling over the "let down."


shell,

I have heard that from so many, that the R/T is less than the net was, were you ever able to determine why?

CP

(in reply to shellzbythesea)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 4:53:30 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Well...I pat `em on the head and tell `em its going to be ok...

I am NOT going to kill you...

Then its beat and fuck...doesn`t everyone do it this way?


TC,

Methinks things have progressed since you were taught!!!!!!!!!!!!

CP

(in reply to ThundersCry)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 4:55:11 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Oh...

If I`m subbin` I strip and go to my knees...

This ain`t rocket science....




TC,

Flexability to the max.

CP

(in reply to ThundersCry)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: First R/T meeting after "net" time - 7/14/2008 4:58:22 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

In the course of the chat, I mentioned that I was planning on meeting one of the "D" men from CM that I had been talking to for a while now, and without ever mentioning his name, just describing our conversation - it turns out this ex-slave also knew him and phew, did she have a lot to tell me. None of it really good. Networking is an amazing thing. Now I have to decide whether to 'risk' going out and meeting him and coming to my own conclusion about this Dominant guy.


WD,

Indeed networking is a valuable tool that work is a closer nit group, but how does a sub in Nebraska get to network??

CP

(in reply to WinsomeDefiance)
Profile   Post #: 60
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