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How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 11:00:50 AM   
johntom571


Posts: 63
Joined: 7/17/2006
Status: offline 		a submissive friend of mine (new to the scene and very much getting her feet wet) has been receiving messages from a few "doms" (I use the term in its widest possible interpretation, including an abbreviation for "dom and dommer"). I advised her to put on her profile that she is under consideration (which she is, by me) as an attempt to somewhat quell the flow of obnoxious semi-literate messages, but to no avail.  recently, some of them have queried as to who was considering her, and upon viewing my profile, have volunteered various opinions to the effect that I was "not real", "married", "not a real dom", etc.

I cannot possibly envision a genuine dom, well connected with the local community, making this sort of comment, even if they thought it was the case. on the other hand, I can easily see someone lacking in manners or experience in approaching a submissive, but making it up with obnoxious opinions hastily gathered from late night internet sessions, attempting to shoe in on someone else's turf for the thrill of the chase.  I could also see some HNG's getting their kicks from messing with an unexperienced sub's brain.  I have (hopefully) reassured my confused friend that after meeting and playing as often as we did, she needs not doubt my being "real", and is welcome to formulate her own view from discussion the matter with other subs.

yet I wonder: could there be anything about my profile that lends this unfortunate impression?  I am considering approaching the "gentlemen" in question, and asking them directly.  But would direct confrontation be considered "undomly"?  Should a "real" confident Dom be asking himself all these gripping questions? ;)

Thoughts and suggestions greatly appreciated.

JohnTom

< Message edited by johntom571 -- 7/12/2008 11:02:26 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 11:09:23 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Block and delete the jackasses.  Your profile looks fine.  If you want to attract women with it, though, I'd suggest putting more vanilla first, instead of just kink on top of kink.

As a footnote, I -- and I think a lot of guys who are not just wanking -- will not write someone "under consideration" because I think the phrase and idea is lame 99% of the time.  If she is actively interested in getting mail from real-time doms, that phrase might be effectively screening them out.  The email vultures won't care what she writes.  They're going to send their stuff anyway.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 11:09:50 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		I enjoyed your profile and thought it was amusing and revealing; I love wit.
 
You certainly seemed real to me; I wouldn't worry about the second hand opinion of anyone else.
 
candystripper

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 11:10:42 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		Believe me it won't make any difference  they will just move on to the next sub, they are more into scoring  than domming .....best to just block and delete them and forget they existed 

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:11:47 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I think your profile is nice and I don't care whether one has written under consideration, owned, don't play or anything else in their profile that indicates they are not interested and have found someone. Some folks are just jerks or looking for wanking material as some call it here. I wouldn't give them the satisfication of who she is under consideration by. Just use the generic 'involved' button and be done. I have D's write to me although my profile clearly states I am owned. A couple times I have responded saying thank you but a couple I have had to block as they would not leave me alone.  It isn't relative to BDSM it just the way people at times. Works this way on regular vanilla sites as well.

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:45:36 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johntom571
I cannot possibly envision a genuine dom, well connected with the local community, making this sort of comment, even if they thought it was the case.


A "genuine" dom?  What special qualities, exactly, do you attribute to the big 'D' side of the slash?  Are they more honest, more trustworthy, more polite, more respectful... than any other person?  I think not. 

Perhaps some of these people are writing her because they believe the phrase "under consideration" means "I don't know if I want her, but until I make up my mind, I've got her locked in so she won't talk to anybody else."

Just something to consider.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:46:09 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		If she doesn't yet know that some people will say anything for a shot, it's probably something she should go ahead and learn. Learning to laugh about it as well can lead to a lot of laughter!
You say that she's inexperienced, is she inexperienced at life in general? If not, just tell her that the experience she has in general life will serve her well here. If she is, now's as good a time to get some (experience) as any.

(in reply to califsue)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:47:00 PM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline 		There are obnoxious DOM's??????   It can't be.

(in reply to mbes)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:49:25 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		1-ignore
2-block
3-delete
see, it's simple!
PM

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That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!




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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 12:59:28 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Giving responses only encourages further interaction and shows that they have some power or effect over you.  Teach her to ignore them and you follow suit.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 1:17:06 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		If you're willing to ask clueless fake Doms for advice, you have more patience than I do.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 1:23:10 PM   
Thadius


Posts: 5091
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

If you're willing to ask clueless fake Doms for advice, you have more patience than I do.


I do hope this was stated sarcasticly, even with the hint of underlying truth to it.

_____________________________

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends." ~ Japanese Proverb

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 1:28:12 PM   
subsong


Posts: 77
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		  Read your profile -  enjoyed it very much .    My advice ;   stay your course , and worry not about the mindless ones , as they will do what they do regardless of any sane input !

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 1:41:20 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johntom571

yet I wonder: could there be anything about my profile that lends this unfortunate impression?  I am considering approaching the "gentlemen" in question, and asking them directly.  But would direct confrontation be considered "undomly"?  Should a "real" confident Dom be asking himself all these gripping questions? ;)

Thoughts and suggestions greatly appreciated.

JohnTom


Well JohnTom, I see nothing wrong with your profile although your response to outside influences in reguard to this Sub causes Me consern.  These `boys` have you questioning yourself or you wouldnt be here asking Us these questions. 
I would suggest to stop assuming every other Male (Dom or not) acts or thinks like You do. 
There are a ton of `boys` out there playing on the net for their entertainment and it seems this Sub has drawn some of them her direction.  What I believe I'm reading between the lines here is a hesitancy on the part of this Sub in her trust of You, it's clear that she questions something, possibly only due to the seeds the boys have planted but possibly not. 
(please understand I am calling them `boys` due to a lack of maturity, not age) 
IMHO, I think your best bet is communication with this Sub.  Find out where her insecurities lie and try to gain her trust to quell the demons that might be eating at her. 

Forget calling these boys out, it's a waste of time and effort. 


_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:10:41 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Yeah, respond to the other dominants and show them who's in control.  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:17:00 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		The fact of the matter is, if someone is taken they become more attractive. When I collared Fox, he got MORE amil from dominants, not less. It does not serve as a deterent, rther confirmation that the sub in question is worth pursuing at least in someone elses eyes.
Rather than concern yourself with those who think you are fake, inform your friend to reply politely "I am sorry you feel that way, but good luck in your search" and then block and ignore the poachers. Angel left becasue of them, and Fox deals with them often.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:17:11 PM   
chiaThePet


Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
Status: offline 		A poison apple.

I learned that from Walt Disney when I was a kid.

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to johntom571)
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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:31:32 PM   
Nikolette


Posts: 488
Joined: 10/2/2004
Status: offline 		Rather hasty reply:

1- If she has any pics, take them down. This is one of the best ways to ensure decline of empty-headed mail. (note I say decline, rather then "end abruptly" because some people will just do what they want regardless of reality. I'm an "apple" and all they see is a tasty "orange".)

2- If she is under consideration, why don't you just tell her to respond with a polite "No thank you" and ignore further correspondance with them? Its not a stranger's business who she's being considered by, she doesn't owe them an answer.

3- If she has met you several times and still she is so easily confused about you being real as the result of talking to some random strangers... ... ... ... wow. Aren't you concerned by that? (Btw, I'm just curious, I know this isn't my business, I'm aware you could have whatever reason for over looking this, but.... Its hard for me to relate to and now I'm curious.)


What I do: I respond politely to those that have interacted with me respectfully. OR I view the state they are in, take 30 seconds to find a state wide advocate for literacy group and forward them a link to that page with a suggestion that they seek aid and assistance with their literacy issues. (Totally bitchy and such, I know.) I have only received one reply back, thanking me. So for me thats worked wonders.



_____________________________

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ---Mahatma Gandhi

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RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:39:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Thadius

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

If you're willing to ask clueless fake Doms for advice, you have more patience than I do.


I do hope this was stated sarcasticly, even with the hint of underlying truth to it.


Thadius, thanks for pointing out my error.  I did not intend to refer to the Doms here in the forum.  I referred to the idiots who approached his sub.  JohnTom specifically mentioned the possibility of asking them in what way he fell short of their standards.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Thadius)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How to deal with obnoxious Doms - 7/12/2008 3:40:35 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Two things...
1.  Your submissive friend needs to grow up and learn how to deal with anonymous emails on a personals site by hitting the delete button. 
2. You should also put on your big boy pants instead of becoming riled by all of the 'bad, fake" doms.
And I lied...
3. You taking that weak submissive under your wing like that seems a bit sneaky.

edited to add...damn I'm in a pissy mood.


< Message edited by Aileen1968 -- 7/12/2008 3:41:49 PM >

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