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Dating before dominance - 7/19/2008 10:58:49 PM

SterlingDS

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

So, here's a question for you subs out there.

How do you approach dating? I generally prefer to go out on very vanilla-ish outings with someone before I approach playing. I want to know what this person is like outside of scening, and frankly while D/s is a big deal to me, it runs secondary to personality.

On the other hand, I do wonder if the sub, subconsciously, views this as a sign of weakness. Now, I know I'm going to get a lot of responses along the "We're all people too, and you're not my Master just because I'm a sub" line. That's perfectly fine, it's the sort of attitude I have.

On the other hand, I know that deep down many submissives have a fantasy of being instantly taken with someone, under their control, owned and feeling wonderful. The D/s version of true love, if you will.

So, what're your takes on the issue? Tell me about your first meetings, were they vanilla, were they D/s? What was most important to you, how did it feel?

Post #: 1

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/19/2008 11:19:04 PM

sasseeNshy

Posts: 120
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

There is not much to be gained in meeting a man, with a gorgeous smile, to die for shoulders, a gentle kindness and totally vanilla flavour....while he hides the flogger behind him......or wait is there?.........nevermind.....grin

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 2

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/19/2008 11:20:14 PM

Skittishkat

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline

I usually like to meet at Barnes and Noble or for lunch. Very vanilla. I usually have communicated enough before the first meet on line and by phone to know if it is a good possibility. But, you have to meet to experience the real chemistry. Don't like to play on first dates/meets. Clutters the meeting with expectations. Sometimes I can tell right away and sometimes I can't for sure. Often like to see him interact with other people too. During football season, a sportsbar for a game is super.
Hope this is the kind of things you were interested in. ~kat

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 3

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/19/2008 11:35:56 PM

jezzabelle19

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline

i personally want to go out on dates first, i dont see it as a sign of weakness. i am all about getting to know a guy before i have sex. yeah you can get to know a person pretty well over the phone and internet, but he or she might be completely different in public.

(in reply to Skittishkat)

Post #: 4

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 12:02:29 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

generally speaking, the one's i played with and fucked before dating, were good for playing and fucking, but outside of that, i didn't like them very much.

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 5

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 12:04:37 AM

Dezz

Posts: 3
Joined: 7/14/2008
Status: offline

Sir was my friend first, lover second. As the relationship developed and i was able to vocalise my darkest secrets to my partner, play was added.

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 6

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 1:47:13 AM

maat

Posts: 62
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i to prefer to meet in a neutral setting before doing anthing more. It also depends on what your looking for but its also a safty thing. Of the two Doms i have met in real life i met both online first. One was in town only for a short time and i stayd the night at his hotel. wouldent do that now, i was stupied and didnt think about the safty but i still had a chance to get a feeling about him and who he was, we took a verry long walk and talked for a long time before that night. The other one i met at a cofee shop. I knew right away that this was the One for me. i do prefer to meet someone in a neutral setting to get to know more about them, get a feel for them and also clear up expectations and things like that. Dont know if i call it a date but pretty close.

Dont think that makes the Dom week, makes both of us smart to take the time to do that before.

(in reply to Dezz)

Post #: 7

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 1:56:28 AM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Since we met at a BDSM event, we played before dating. After the event we kept in touch by phone and several months later he came to my area and we did a mini vacation in his motor home for a few weeks. During that time he met my family and I met his. I guess you could call this time our vanilla dating period, although we did go to a club and play one night. Several months later I packed my bags and flew to him. We've been together for 3 years now.

This worked for us very well. Since we were at an event with DMs and 150 other people, it felt quite safe to play with a stranger.

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 8

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 2:49:13 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

For me, a lot of it depended upon the conversations leading up to meeting. Most of my first meetings were very vanilla but not what i would call a "date" just a nice get-together in a public setting for coffee or lunch or whatever. i don't see this as weakness, just common sense, since until meeting in person neither of us would know if there was any chemistry to go forward. But then it depends upon what the parties are looking for. Possibility of a "romantic" D/s relationship? Vanilla outings are important. BDSM play partner? Not so much.

With my Master, since we were long distance, we talked...a LOT on the phone and IM until we felt enough of a connection to meet. When i got off the airplane and first saw Him on the airport concourse, i was ready to drop to my knees. You could say it was submission at first sight but really, we talked daily about anything and everything, including a great deal of vanilla interests before that meeting took place.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 9

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 3:40:54 AM

VioletAshes

Posts: 101
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sasseeNshy

There is not much to be gained in meeting a man, with a gorgeous smile, to die for shoulders, a gentle kindness and totally vanilla flavour....while he hides the flogger behind him......or wait is there?.........nevermind.....grin

Nice. I like it!

_____________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'm not like other girls that you know
but I believe I'm worth coming home to"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(in reply to sasseeNshy)

Post #: 10

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 4:12:27 AM

unfaithed

Posts: 43
Joined: 5/21/2008
Status: offline

quote:

(in reply to Dezz)

I myself prefer the vanilla outings as well. I have no desire for someone just to be my play partner, and personally I feel that if they find out how slutty I am with all my deepest darkest desires right from the start, that I'll never be seen as anything more than that. I want to know all the sides of the person I'm dating, and I think getting into play too soon impedes that.

This probably stems from one of the first meetings I had with anyone that I had met online. He was a nice guy, we had talked online for weeks, and he wasn't that far away, so we made plans for me to drive out and visit him one Friday night. I was nervous, even though I had met one or two guys from the internet before, but I seemed to have a better connection with him. We were both in college, so I met him at his dorm. When we got inside, he started being all weird about the fact that we met on the internet, saying that if anyone asks, he met me at a party a few weeks ago. Okay, I was fine with that - internet dating still isn't as socially acceptable as some of us would like it to be. But then all he wanted to do was make out, pressuring me to do things I really didn't feel comfortable doing on the first date. But he was so nice online, I thought we had a great connection, etc etc, and I ended up caving in on some of my own morals. I still talk with this guy today, although we're no longer dating. I believe he thinks of me as nothing but a sexual object, all from that first date. When we dated we didn't get into very many deeper aspects of our lives, which obviously took on toll on us, helping to end it.

I don't know if people think as a sub I should be happy to be viewed as a sexual object, but it makes me feel a little less of worth. For a Dom to not want to take me under his control sexually on the first meeting would be wonderful. There are many other ways to exhibit control and give me that owned/protected feeling. In my opinion, showing me ways you are Dominant outside of the bedroom will solidify our relationship roles much faster.

Sorry if this was longwinded, but I hope it answers your question some.
~unfaithed~

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 11

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 7:01:06 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

mho, i don't see vanilla dating before D/s playing/scening as a weakness. it's the only way a person is ever going to know/understand me as person and woman before really knowing me as submissive. all of my meets have been in public places without sex and play.

currently dating and we attended rock shows in which he was treated like a VIP (free drinks and entrance) and movie premieres, had dinner at 4-star restuarant - fun things. we have other fun things planned for the rest of summer. we have played (in private and once in public) however that was after trust was established on my comfort level.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 12

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 7:06:20 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline

Since I seek a complete relationship and have a life outside of BDSM my Dominant has to want me in a vanilla way too. Play only takes up part of a day and part of a relationship. If there is nothing more, sure I could play at a club with you and thats different but an actual relationship needs vanilla dating.

(Off I go with my new Sir downtown to the auarium or art institute. The relationship builds romantically and slowly with the D's progressing slowly at a pace that we both are comfortable with.

_____________________________

Original Pimpette,
Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 7:35:56 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

Since what I am looking for is a LTR that hopefully would lead to living together 24/7 and not just ongoing play sessions that dating in vanilla settings is going to very important in getting to know the person outside of the scene inorder to learn if we are compatible so to me by no means is it a sign of weakness

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

Post #: 14

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 7:47:14 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

The only odd thing is that I'm meeting a woman and I know exactly what she likes in the bedroom and may have even played with her over the phone - and nothing else. It's awkward at first to know someone's most intimate secrets and nothing else.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 15

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 7:49:05 AM

katie978

Posts: 352
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline

Although there are some situations where playing on the "first date" makes some sense (LTRs and meeting as playmates first), I think that any sub looking for a relationship who wants the dom to be all dominant on the first date needs a reality check. It isn't a safe practice, and to me, it reeks of a serious case of fantasy. Sure, it'd be nice to be taken and carried away to a beautiful dom's dungeon across the back of his magical white unicorn. However, I live in the real world where chemistry doesn't happen as often as it does, and a significant number of the "doms" are actually predators.

_____________________________

"That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to Maya2001)

Post #: 16

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 8:06:34 AM

SaraZeal

Posts: 144
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

Most of my first meetings were very vanilla but not what i would call a "date" just a nice get-together in a public setting for coffee or lunch or whatever.

First meeting with a coffee will be vanilla - French Vanilla flavored to be sure. I can't get enough of that flavor :P

But yes, I date before things go further.

(in reply to katie978)

Post #: 17

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 8:19:07 AM

daddysprop247

Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline

i've never dated in my life, whether vanilla or lifestyle. imo it just seems like a very unnatural way of approaching relationships. you should just live your life, allow nature to take its course, rather than try to force or preconceive something.

but if you're just referring to getting to know someone as a complete person before diving into a serious D/s relationship, this i agree with but you do not need to "date" in order to accomplish this. my Master and i were friends first, neither of us ever saw the other as a potential mate, certainly we never imagined we would one day be Master and slave. He then became my Mentor in addition to still being a good friend, and he helped me figure out and make sense of all the confusion bubbling inside of me as a complete newbie to the lifestyle, but as someone who has been submissive all her life and finally realizing that it's not a defect or disorder, that it can be a good and beautiful thing. our first meeting was just very casual at a restaurant, but after a few seconds in his presence i knew that something special was going on. He is a very naturally dominant person, but also very charismatic and with a highly authoratative presence. every statement from him, whether it was him telling me to calm myself because of my jittery nerves, or asking the waitress for some extra napkins, just felt like a command which could not be refused. as submissive as i am, i could feel myself shrinking back and becoming even more submissive in this man's presence. that night he used my body, and even then i wasn't expecting anything to come of it. in fact, i felt that because he had used me physically he would likely lose interest in no longer be my friend or mentor. He proved me wrong by continuing to talk with me daily and continue to help me along in my journey. but after some weeks it finally reached a point where we both realized that he was the one who was meant to be my Master, and so here we are. :)

but yeah...no dating, no planning, no pretending to be vanilla...just living our lives and being true to ourselves. that's really the way to go imo.

(in reply to SaraZeal)

Post #: 18

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 9:45:41 AM

Skittishkat

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/22/2007
Status: offline

Smiles, don't know how it could be considered weak to use your brain to make your decisions.
Kind of a convoluted notion. Wouldn't want someone who followed his penis where ever it lead.
~kat

< Message edited by Skittishkat -- 7/20/2008 9:48:51 AM >

(in reply to daddysprop247)

Post #: 19

RE: Dating before dominance - 7/20/2008 10:24:23 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I meet men as men, not as dominants. I date before I fu*k, I have to really like you to kiss you. That said, I do not like tentative men. I am submissive and I am not tentative. Basically I like men who are like me, not afraid to say what they think. Hmmmm.... I like men who say what they think but I do not like them to go into graphic details of what they have done to others, or what they want to do with me. There is a line between flirtatious banter and knowing they aim to get between your legs ASAP. Good taste along with some degree of assertive behavior is more successful with me if they can get me to blush and not want to slap them sideways
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/20/2008 10:30:49 AM >

(in reply to SterlingDS)

Post #: 20

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