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RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 2:36:02 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Once, just once, I would like to NOT take the frelling high road! 


Heh... The problem with being good is you have to be so damned good all the time.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 3:11:34 PM   
standardG


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/21/2008
Status: offline 		There's actually a great amount of self inflicted harm along with the mental distress, especially paranoid ideas at times. One is 100% concient of the damage done, but your ability to stop such stupidity is harder on some than on others.

When things are already bad in a relationship like that, a partner who tends to lack in consistency (truth for instance), regarding his/her words and actions, can cause you to believe that every sign (good or bad) is a red flag, and you question your own sanity, and in a more severe case, the value of living life and/or happiness.

It was to me, a learning experience... I can bet my mental health I'll never let such vicious circle come my way again. I use it nowadays to know who I can trust... It has worked so far.


< Message edited by standardG -- 7/24/2008 3:12:16 PM >

(in reply to CruelDesires)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 8:00:03 PM   
Exquemelin


Posts: 113
Joined: 2/2/2007
From: CT
Status: offline 		Listen, you got dumped, does it suck? Yes, does it excuse beating the crap out of the guy who dumped you? Hell no.

Now I'm gonna move away from the fight because technically that's not what you asked about. For the record you say you ignored red flags, which makes me suspect you also ignored the signs he was going to break up with you. I don't think any guy has just woke up one day and said, "Hmm, you know this girl I've been with these past months, time to move on. Hey CM, we're breaking up, bye."

How do you get over it? I don't know, but you really need to. It's been 2 months and your still lashing out against him. You've said you're angry at yourself because you feel like you  allowed yourself to be taken advantage of and I suspect that's why you're having so much trouble getting over this relationship. Go out, meet people as friends, go to a munch, maybe go to a play party but don't go with the idea meeting someone. Go with the idea of making friends and having fun. You're an attractive female sub, if you wanted just another guy you could have one in about 30 seconds, obviously that's not what you want. Do you need therapy? I have no idea, I wouldn't be surprised from what I've read if you already were in therapy. How someone gets over being dumped is very personal but you have to make the effort. He's moved on, in fact he was apparently blasé about dumping you. Make the effort, either to move on or at least distract yourself from wallowing in self loathing.


_____________________________

testing
The Hammer is my penis.

(in reply to CorsetMinx)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 8:25:30 PM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		Wise words.  The best thing is to look at the other person for who they truly are.  Take the rose colored glasses off and then you will see the cracks in the facade.  What is that saying....the grass is always greener...but is usually shit brown?  

(in reply to lighthearted)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 8:37:10 PM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		It's always such a mixed bag when one posts.  But people love to get all worked up over things that are not the initial intent of the original post.  I was just hoping more would address the questions themselves and not throw in their personal issues with past relationships of abuse.  But like I said...always a mixed bag here.  To me....these are the important questions that were asked.  The rest was worth ignoring basically.

How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger?

And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you?

Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition?

(in reply to CorsetMinx)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 8:46:07 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		I was involved in a vanilla relationship for close to 20 years that had been on/off and I can relate to the OP's post. Anger and heartbreaks happen to all of us. I think most everyone at sometime has been hurt by someone. I was mad enough that if he would have been standing in front of me I most likely would have hit him or worse and I even used to wonder if I could find someone to rough him up. In the end, what would that gain me? I understand how it feels to be lied to and such. How do you get over it?? No easy answer for you. Time heals all wounds. Take care of yourself and do things that bring you pleasure. Allow yourself time to just play and have fun. By allowing yourself to stay angry and hurt you are letting him still control you. Forgive yourself and him and let it go and move on with your life. Don't let the experience control you.  

(in reply to phoenixrising43)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 9:07:13 PM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		In response to CorsetMinx...you eventually have to move forward.  You realize that staying angry and confused keeps you from growing.  So you deal with it, in any rational way you can.  Eventually you get clarity.  Clarity hurts and it does cause deep pain.  It did for me anyway, but everyone is different.  Which really hurts like mofo..pardon the French.  But the clarity is not just about the other person...it is also clarity in regards to why you ignored purple flags or whatever you put up with in the relationship.  The clarity is also in regards to what part you played in the relationship...bad and good.

Clarity also helps you see the other person for who they really are.  They are a flawed human being like the rest of us.  Once you take them down from that pedestal you placed them on, you view them entirely differently than you used to.  Which is a great thing.

Length of time varies from person to person.  We are all different from each other.  Always look at things as lessons learned and mistakes you never wish to repeat again.  It's not easy, but time does heal all.  You can still love someone as a person, but also love them with a lot less passion than you did.  Though....sometimes you can't depending on how it ended and many other things.  What I am just trying to say is this....let go of the hate and don't blame yourself for the end of a relationship.   Sometimes things just have their times to end, sometimes even if you are not the one to end it, you wind up the lucky one anyway.

(in reply to califsue)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 9:07:18 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixrising43
But people love to get all worked up over things that are not the initial intent of the original post. 


I kept the focus of my posts on how to get past the end of a relationship because I think the disapproval about the violence had been conveyed. That said, I find no fault with those who have focused on the violence. The fact is that the violence was wrong and the OP's words of regretting it are overshadowed by words that suggest that the violence was acceptable. To say that she felt strong to be able to express her anger in that manner, and that she still wishes to do it undermine regret expressed for the violence.

The comments about the violence are relevant even if they are not what was primarily sought in questions in the OP. And these comments serve a purpose. This emphatic discussion will perhaps tell the OP and anyone else who thinks it is fine for a woman to be violent towards a man when she is angry over a break-up that it is not appropriate to do so. This collective message might become part of the growth of perspective, and might make a difference next time to whomever it applies.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 7/24/2008 9:15:24 PM >

(in reply to phoenixrising43)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/24/2008 9:15:57 PM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		We definitely all have our views.  I just was interested in the questions posted basically.  I try to avoid people with anger issues.  

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 12:18:39 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixrising43

We definitely all have our views.  I just was interested in the questions posted basically.  I try to avoid people with anger issues.  


But isn't that the point? Most people with anger issues don't walk around with this information emblazoned across their foreheads. Furthermore, most people who abuse are very much as her profile states - charming and pleasant - right up until their facade cracks for whatever reason that may be. And then charming really isn't the word that would readily describe what they become.

When people talk about abusers, the first image that comes to mind is typically not a woman. We have a whole cultural history - broadcast through movies, books, etc - of women who are given some sort of permission to abuse. And we excuse the action as somehow being justified. Even in this thread were the comments indicating that well, at least she was now communicating (from her), a woman couldn't really hurt a man (from someone else), it was a one time thing (from both her and someone else). But the problem is that there is this huge disparity of what is acceptable for a man to do and what is acceptable for a woman to do. For my money, abuse is unacceptable - regardless who initiates it. Having a vagina does not give anyone any more rights to raise a hand to someone than having a penis. And having a penis doesn't make the abuser more despicable than the one with the vagina. In both instances, they chose to attack rather than communicate. What, to me, was personally reprehensible was the almost proud of herself comment that at least she was communicating now. And that's not communication - no matter how you cut it.

What's even more reprehensible to me is the culturally upheld stigma of being a man who's been abused. Men are abused just as women are and yet, this generally goes unreported because of the general perception that you can't be any sort of a man if you get beat up by a girl.

So, my view - yes, colored by my past (they say in AA that a drunk can't fool a drunk - that's why sponsorship works so well. Well, for those who've been abused and gotten out and on with their lives, abusers can't fool the abused. )We recognize the rationalizations, the lies (both to others and to themselves), and the denial. And that, more than her questions, more than her "seeking community" was what jumped out at us - throughout nearly this entire thread and the comments she posted. Most of us (or at least me) are not interested in the whole "community" thing when someone so obviously needs help dealing with things that tend, over time, to destroy "community" with others. And most of us recognize that this kind of behavior doesn't just stop because you say she won't do it anymore. We recognize that even after she does move past him and finds someone else, that person will face the same reactions to stress she's already presented - if she doesn't do something about it - and that DOES involve therapy. And coincidentally, therapy will assist her in dealing with the other questions she has posed. ALL of which, given her reactions, unless we are therapists involved in ongoing work with her, we are immensely unqualified to help with.

The questions are good. They are. But her reactions vastly overshadow the questions and indeed, tend to make recovery more difficult for her. Until she can resolve the anger and her reactions to stress, they really won't go away.

Those who abuse rarely if ever, present to the outside world as if they are abusers. Most of the time, they are utterly charming (which just happens to be one of her first descriptors of herself in her profile). They are often extremely pleasant to be around, and they can sometimes be the life of the party - right up until their sense of self is threatened. And that's exactly the picture she painted in her original post.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 7/25/2008 12:23:49 AM >

(in reply to phoenixrising43)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 1:24:02 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		Oh what the hell... think I'm going to shatter the glass of the modern day politically correctness of society with this post.

When it comes down to pain, I'm certain most people would agree that mental and emotional pain is far more difficult to deal with compared to physical pain.

Yet, the dishing out of physical pain compared to mental pain is not as acceptable.

The OP did not regularly punch and beat her DOM.  Not some case of on going abuse.  She basically did something the good old fashioned way, went to kick his fucking ass.

Used to be a time in society where a 4th grader would not swear and cuzz out somebody in the 8th, 9th, 10th grade.  Why?  Because they knew they ran the risk of getting their fucking ass kicked.

There's a whole wave of people coming into society that get away with fucking mental and emotional murder, without having any fear of retailation.  Basically they take mental punches at people and sure the other person can attempt to mentally swing back.  Often it does not work too well.

At times, if somebody knew they might get their ass kicked, do you think they would factor that into what the hell they are doing?

She clocked him several times, on one occasion.  I don't think he'll ever forget about the experience either.  He actually might have learned, that he hurt somebody bad enough that they literally clocked his ass good.

I does not sound like the OP, said to herself, you know I'm just gonna hit him for no reason at all.

I'm not trying to advocate domestic violence here.   It's apparent this would not turn into an on going DV situation.

I find it hard to pass a judgement either way, based on what she posted.  He might have deserved it, then again he might not have.

It's clear she was pissed, it was over between them, he hurt her mentally and she hurt him physically back.    A tit for tat.   Physical pain in exchange for emotional pain.   This does not sound like it was over spilled milk on the floor or some simply stupid matter.

Some people in this world actually deserve and need a good ass kicking to make them wake the fuck up, this is my opinion.  Some people are spoil brats that love to run their mouths, and do whatever they please and get away with murder.

The law ain't very much in your favor when it comes to dealing with mental, emotional or verbal abuse!  It's difficult to prove without witnesses and all.  However, one's ass kicked is much easier because of black and blue marks and such.  

Back to the whole which is greater?  Physical pain or Mental/emotional pain?

Mind you, I'm not saying one should attempt to resolve all or any issue with physical means.   There's a place in time for everything.  Plus, every human being has a limit to how much they can take.

I'm certain, everybody on this board could be pushed far enough under the right circumstances to actually physically haul off and hit somebody, or totally loose their temper.

It's called, when somebody looses their ability to cope with what is going on!  When one can not cope with it to keep it under control shit will happen.   Hell, some people end up killing themselves because their ability to cope with shit has been greatly exceeded.   People do all kinds of things when they can't cope.

It's funny how people will turn on one another and fight over a bag of ice, or other things in the aftermath of a natural disaster.   They simply can't cope with the bullshit going on in a politically correct manner.

People have been kicking one another's ass for so many countless of thousands of years.   Yet, in the last 20+ something years of American history, it's been becoming less and less politically correct and acceptable behavior.   Safe outlets are getting pissed off, going into your own world and Killing Shit until you reach the final level of DOOM III, Locking yourself into a bedroom and playing World of WarCrack... until you are so zoned out, can't think and don't give a fuck about anything else... even the fact you've not eaten much in the last 72 hours from playing a damn video game. 

Basically, avoid the pain, avoid the problems.. and submerge yourself into fantasy for awhile.  Oh yeah... artifical or virtual violence to wet our craving to kick somebody's ever loving ass.   That's the politically correct way now days.   Slam down the High Engery Drinks loaded with Caffine, engage in endless hours of sleep deprivation (messing with your brain), while playing a violent video game.  Become that Rat in the Maze trying to find the End of Game Cheeze.  Working on carpal tunnel of the wrists, and your future aritisis condition.

Personally, The OP admitted she was pissed, openly admitted to hitting him like she did, also that it's a bit out of her own character.  She realizes she is so pissed, that she's prone to doing it again!  Something she does not really care to repeat.  Because she does not want to repeat... she pops on her asking about how to deal with it and move past this pain she's going through.   She's a human being, not a perfect person.  Nobody is really perfect.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 4:29:50 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave


Your post suggests that (1) mental pain is worse than physical pain and it justifies physical violence, (2) because the violence happened only once as they were parting ways, it is alright.

Let's establish what is at work here. If it is a woman who initiates the break-up, which causes mental pain for the man, do you then advocate the man hitting the woman?

What if he hits her just once as they are parting ways because he is angry about the break up?

If you think it is unacceptable for a man to hit a woman in those scenarios, what do you see to make it acceptable when a woman hits a man?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 6:49:27 AM   
Exquemelin


Posts: 113
Joined: 2/2/2007
From: CT
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave


Your post suggests that (1) mental pain is worse than physical pain and it justifies physical violence, (2) because the violence happened only once as they were parting ways, it is alright.

Let's establish what is at work here. If it is a woman who initiates the break-up, which causes mental pain for the man, do you then advocate the man hitting the woman?

What if he hits her just once as they are parting ways because he is angry about the break up?

If you think it is unacceptable for a man to hit a woman in those scenarios, what do you see to make it acceptable when a woman hits a man?

Cheers,

Sea
It's also a false premise just because physical abuse is a form of emotional abuse.


_____________________________

testing
The Hammer is my penis.

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 8:28:41 AM   
seababy


Posts: 845
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx

I can't stand it. I'm so f_cking mad I just want to scream. If my ex-dom (my first dom ever) were standing here in front of me I'd belt him. Again. Yup, that's right, I'm admitting to the forum that I hit him when he broke up with me (flame all you want, I'm just trying to be honest here). I'm not saying I just gave him a slap or a punch, but multiple punches with all the force I could put behind them, whilst hurling any hurtful insult at him I could, wishing him pain to equal that which I was in when he decided one day, after an "epiphany" that we were over. No discussion, no real communication, just like that, one day on, one day off. (NOTE:
this was 2 months ago)

I'm sure when I did so I committed the ultimate transgression in his eyes, and completely knocked myself out any potential reunion possibility. I'm sure what he longed for was a girl that would have fallen down sobbing and begging at his feet. And, yes, I was ready to do that, even through til yesterday, but not now. Instead I belted him just as I feel like would probably do again, were he here. Then I was confused and hurt and for once in my life feeling strong enough to show how much I hurt and allow the anger to be expressed (which I've never done before in my life EVER - I was raised to be the "good girl" who never allowed her emotions to be fully expressed), but now I'm mad. I'm mad enough to spit venom and I hate it. I hate feeling so utterly stripped of what respect I had for both him and myself and for the relationship I thought was being built initially. The pure hypocrisy, from his own words, I've since discovered about who this man portrayed himself to be with me and all he left unsaid, has left me feeling like I was misled & lied to from the very beginning. Just like that initial night, I feel like I'm the one who's been punched in the stomach and it fills my throat with bile.

Since entering the bdsm lifestyle this year and talking to other subs/slaves, I've heard so many horror stories of mistreatment, liars, posers, egomaniacs and downright callous and cruel individuals who didn't care who they hurt or how much. But after the break I kept thinking to myself, "No, he's still a good man. He didn't lie to me, we just had some communication issues we need to solve". And the oldie but goodie, "He's hurt and scared inside from his past, just like you, and simply needs to be loved and shown how truly you care". I held onto these childlike notions not just to keep believing in him, but to keep believing in myself & my own intuition/judgement. I couldn't face the idea that I had been so completely and utterly bamboozled by someone, and that I allowed my own emotional ties to become so strong to a man I barely knew that I ignored every red flag that came up. Again and again.

I don't want to get into our full sob story and what transpired the last night we spoke when I hit him, suffice to say that I still don't feel personally apologetic towards him for the physical violence (I'm definitely too mad at this point), but I do feel sad and sorry that I haven't progressed in my own spiritual journey enough to be past becoming angry and having let it out in such an unproductive fashion. I have never believed in physical violence and am still somewhat shocked that I ever did it. Who knows what demons lurk inside us, unless they're provoked?

What I do want to throw out there to all the other subs/slaves who have lived through betrayal, hypocrisy and abuse from a Dom, is this:

How did you move forward and let go of the pain, the confusion, the anger?

And how did you get over still feeling emotionally attached/in love with the person who hurt you?

Finally, how long did it take you to trust a man/Dom again - or to trust yourself and your own judgement/intuition?


quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx
Wow - DesFIP,
Talk about knee jerk response. Your sarcasm in defending him in a situation you know nothing about is hardly productive to discussion or healing. I did not say he was a demon from hell or the worst person in the world, but in this situation, this specific past relationship, misrepresented himself and did things that were unusually cruel and irresponsible for an experienced Dom with a total newbie. Things in my own continued learning of bdsm and him are only now truly becoming clear to me and I'm trying to deal with it so I can move forward and past it.

I'd hardly call hitting him on one occasion, under one set of circumstances (which again, you know nothing of) and stopping of my own volition going "ballistic". And I believe I've stated that I've no wish to resort to violence again. I was venting frustration and anger in my post, most of which has passed with the moment last night. My discussing and communicating my issues with others is hardly "boasting". I believe my being here and being honest when I knew full well that it would provoke flames, proves that I take full "responsibility" for my actions. And case in point, I own two small furry loved ones that absolutely do make my life a joy and provide a wonderful amount of comfort when life as it so often does, disappoints.

I'm sorry to have to write this. I asked for responses and feedback, but that doesn't make me a doormat for sitting idly by as others attack me for my honesty and seeking community.


Look I know alot of peeps on this thread are doing the warm fuzzy "lets not judge" with response to Corset Minx.

I still don't see any remorse shown for "I'm not saying I just gave him a slap or a punch, but multiple punches with all the force I could put behind them, whilst hurling any hurtful insult at him I could".

You say your disappointed in yourself but you express in your post how much you crave repeating the same performance.  I could take that as hyperbole (how many times has anyone of us said we wanted to punch someone out) except you have acted out your rage and assaulted him once already.

It doesn't sound like you open handed slapped his chest limply and called him a "Beastly man".
Serious DV happens to men too! Guys can be emotionally traumatised and have bones broken, it just rarely gets reported because who are you going to tell?
Woman can cause physical harm, even murder. Treating this post differently because a women posted it doesn't seem right.
I feel that some posters have ignored and minimized something very serious.
Giving supporting positive advice to CM? Yes sure, but I don't believe giving her an out on her actions is for her higher good at all. (I know some haven't)

The problem with using your hurt as extenuating circumstances for your actions is that a great many of us have bottomless wells of hurt and rage that never run out.
I shudder bringing up anything personal but I had an ex who would say over and over "but if you wouldn't make me so angry I wouldn't have to do "that"."

He was being honest too when he talked about what he did but that didn't make him a good guy. Yes people did attack you for your honesty, but ya know if you had posted honestly that you had drowned puppies and kittens  and punched out someone's granny they  would attack you then as well.

He may well have been a complete asshat to you, ( and people can be such incredible asshats) but justifying your "just once" blow up isn't right.

There is red head feistyness and then there is being a bunny boiler.
Bunny Boiling doesn't seem to be about hair colour. (that I know of).


Now I have to clamber of my soap box. Ugh cant believe I made a serious long post I feel unclean.










(in reply to CorsetMinx)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 9:48:47 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In addition, when told that her anger is the problem and why she can't move past, she refused to listen to the fact that her anger is out of control. She refused to acknowledge the fact that her sublimated anger was coming out for months, making her bitchy, nasty, etc and that the sublimated anger probably is what caused him to move on. She does not accept the fact that her anger is the problem here. She insists it was a one time issue while denying the reality of the situation.

The reality is that until she can accept her part of the responsibility of the failure of the relationship, apologize for her actions, and get help dealing with her issues, she will never be ready for another relationship. Beyond that, she will never be capable of having a happy and healthy relationship but instead will hurt many other people needlessly while always blaming them.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Exquemelin)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 9:59:04 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		I have had women in bdsm and D/s who came with so much anger and past baggage from failed past relationships that it really made them quite impossible to deal with-either logically or compassionately. They were self sabotoging. Nothing you could do would help them to let go of thier indulgence in thier martyr complexes-and that is precisely what it is, a weak, sick indulgence in negativity.
 
 The op seems cut from the same cloth.
 
 She needs to get over herself and move on.
 
Gobbling drano is not the answer.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 10:32:21 AM   
phoenixrising43


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		People assume and make way too much out of everything...even going back to read someone's profile on a site like this, and making even more assumptions...like they really know the other person or the relationship that person was in..lol.  Sheesh.

(in reply to seababy)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 11:49:04 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I have seen people lose control and there is very little reason for justifying that unless you are in physical danger.  However I am more interested in the next thing said:

quote:

ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx

I did not say he was a demon from hell or the worst person in the world, but in this situation, this specific past relationship, misrepresented himself and did things that were unusually cruel and irresponsible for an experienced Dom with a total newbie.


I see so many people who are new and seeking experienced dominants.  With such an imbalance in place, a total newbie and a dom with experience, is it any wonder we see so many cries of "he did me wrong!"?  Instead of romanticising ds with terms like honor and respect, they should be trying to find someone whose views match their own.  When I was a child I was not likely to play tag with a 20 yr old.
Then maybe they can learn that they have a part in playing this game.
Kyst

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 11:57:16 AM   
CorsetMinx


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/17/2008
Status: offline 		I did say I was done with addressing this thread and the people on it because it continues, for the majority, to be on a never-ending cycle of judgment rather than addressing the questions and thread itself which I believe is what msg boards are for. But I'm coming back for one last post because I feel that there's so many other people who've probably run into the same judgment and harrassment by a vocal few on the msg boards, and for one moment here I'm not going to be silent. I'm strong enough deal with it and I know who I am and that what other people say about me does not define me. So read away, interpret as you will.

A vocal few here seem to feel it their sacred duty to keep hammering away at the same point that's already been made, to paraphrase: "physical violence is bad, in any context" to which I've already agreed and will more than happily state here again for those who are so fond of pulling select sentences out of my posts, then ignoring the words that don't support their hypothesis. I make no excuse for my own poor behavior and my own mistakes, they're mine and I see them, though some have taken my trying to explain and give a small part of the situational context as an attempt at making excuses. Again, interpret at you will.

These people have even gone so far as to attack my profile, my future of relationships and entire scope of behavior & character based on a few paragraphs of information. And yes, it's an attack (aka: a flame) when you put words in someone's mouth, use sarcasm, act critical, judge and put scorn in & behind your words. I have not done that here on this msg board to any of you. I have not dissected your profiles or posts in retaliation or even posted any replies to the scathing posts which I've read, choosing instead to stay positive, because that's who I am. I made one rebuttal which I answered without any of the vitriol so profusely aimed at me. I'm sure some of you will continue to even use this post as a new jumping point to take my words out of context, paint broad strokes and make more generalizations, ie:I don't take responsibility, that I'm not seeking help, that I can't take hard truths given to me. Fine, yet again, interpret this as you will and reply as you will, you're words are your responsibility, not mine.

Leatherist, DesFIP, Julietsierra, Seababy - you're all right. This seems to be what you desperately want to hear from me, so I'll gladly oblige. You're right that I was hanging on to hate, maybe not as you all interpret, but I was. I was hanging onto my judgment and hate of this man even though I didn't realize it, which was why I became so upset the other night after the revelations I spoke of discovering. And in that moment, that hour, I released the majority of those feelings out on paper/screen so they wouldn't be stuck inside, so they were handled in a constructive fashion. I posted a momentary rant with all the passion that was behind it, then I let go of it and asked for suggestions of moving forward. A momentary rant doesn't define me any more than I think your scornful words define you. I'm sure if we knew each other in real life we'd get along fine and accept each other for who we are (at least I like to think so). But addressing someone online makes it so easy to immediately judge, based on each of our own experiences, which it seems you each have had your own hard ones.

Juliet, you seem to have been very deeply affected by your own past of abuse, so much so that you've felt the need to post 8 times with the same condemnation of me. I absolutely respect your experiences and your wisdom though I don't know their full context and will apply them as only I can do knowing myself and my own situation. And ironically enough, it's your own cycle of coming back again and again to judge me that has opened my own eyes. Yes, after releasing my rant post the other night I did feel 95% better, but what I didn't see was that lurking little bit that was going to hang on, just as you're hanging on to this. I wrote in my journal here, check it out if you like, and commented on the circle of self-righteousness that was going round and round on the board. Then it occurred to me that inside, I was doing something similar with my old Dom. Yes I told myself that we're all human and make mistakes and he was no worse than I, but I didn't really have that in my heart, just my head. That's why I said I wasn't ready to apologize to him. In my head I'd let go of him and the pain, but not in my heart. I wasn't ready to give any grace or even truly accept it. But your posts along with some others, which were also helpful and definitely said with a more generous and kind spirit - brought me to the point I needed to be to give and accept that grace to him, and I have in my heart, though I may never be able to speak it to him. Maybe he'll see it here and that will give him some peace as well.

I realize and accept that the majority of what I've written here will probably be just as misquoted and wrongly interpreted as my first post, and that's OK with me, truly. Life is subjective and we all have a right to speak and be heard and be our unique selves. Here in this post I write for me, and for every other person who's been tried, judged and sentenced on message boards by those who feel the need not just to express their opinions once, but to make them heard over everyone else with a dissenting one, and to do so in an unkind manner. I'm not going to mince words now - some of you have been downright mean, disrespectful and cruel, some on purpose thinking somehow to "wake me up" and some of you born out of your own passion to communicate your unique experiences and perspectives. So just as you say (and I fully accept) my old Dom shouldn't have been hit no matter the circumstance, I say the same to you: neither do my actions or expressing myself deserve the attacks and abuse that has been so readily heaped on me here. Have some perspective and cast ye not stones...

But that's what all of this is about isn't it... perspective. I have the full perspective of my experience and knowing where I've been and where I'm going in my life. I also have the perspective that this is just a discussion board and nothing else and though I may glean some knowledge and wisdom from it, it neither defines who I am or who I'll be. The same applies for everyone who's posted. I have to live my life and be responsible for treating others as I wish to be treated in return. Just as you do. And everyday I'll succeed in some moments and I'll fail again on others, cause I'm human. I hold no malice towards anyone here who's posted and give you the same grace I expect in return. I've personally put this moment, the old post and my old relationship to rest. Can you?

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 7/25/2008 12:04:33 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		When I stopped blaming others for things I had equal parts in, the anger went away.

I chose to be with them, I made my own mistakes-did my own stupid, lazy, or selfish acts.

I owned them, and decided to try not to repeat them.

But no matter HOW fucked up, self deluded or angry I was... I never resorted to striking another human being in anger.

Learn to forgive, it's a gift to yourself.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to CorsetMinx)
Profile   Post #: 80
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