julietsierra
Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: CorsetMinx
Juliet, you seem to have been very deeply affected by your own past of abuse, so much so that you've felt the need to post 8 times with the same condemnation of me. I absolutely respect your experiences and your wisdom though I don't know their full context and will apply them as only I can do knowing myself and my own situation. And ironically enough, it's your own cycle of coming back again and again to judge me that has opened my own eyes.
corsetminx:
I'll give you that. You're absolutely right. Someone who has been abused IS deeply affected. But aren't we all when it comes to deep learning experiences? For whatever your dominant did, won't you be on the lookout for those same situations next time? And when you see someone doing as he did, especially when what he did hurt you so badly, won't you be calling a spade a spade?
The point is that you begin to see - even a little bit - the consequences of your actions. We ALL need to see the consequences of our actions. And being female doesn't absolve us from our responsibilities to act in a mature and adult fashion - if we want to be considered mature and responsible adults.
The problem - and the reason I've posted so much is that the same rationalizations you used were the same ones used with me - and corsetminx, really. That's all they were. Well, let me rephrase that. At the time they were made, they were heartfelt explanations and promises. I believed them. What was more important - and the point I was trying to make is that HE believed them - right up until the next time.
His - OUR ultimate consequence is that he lost his entire family. His children lost a father who was there for them. And I lost a husband I loved dearly. I have a family member who doesn't even remember a time when his father was there for him (and to him, weekends don't count cause he's now so uncomfortable around him that he wishes there wasn't a court order mandating I take him there.) I have another family member who has only recently reconciled with him. That family member says "I lost my entire childhood because I always had to be on guard." He barely trusts anyone. I have never bad-mouthed their father even as I've had to explain to my family members, the rather bizaare actions of their father as he tried to come to terms of his abusive actions on his own terms. When he finally broke down and went to therapy - not to stop the abuse but to deal with what was underlying that tendency to abuse was when it all stopped. (His mom was the abuser in that history, so for our family, it's generational.) And he only got help because what little our family members desired to be around him was threatened when his oldest told him he either got help or HE was going to report him to the police. It only happened when the new g/f backed our oldest and told him she'd corroborate what was said. He FINALLY saw all he lost and got help.
I know you want to believe I'm attacking you and to someone in your position, it may truly seem as if I am. But hon... I've been divorced for 10 years. It's only been in the last year that our family members are actually seeing the person he was when I married him. It's taken him THAT long to come to terms with who he was and what he did. And you need to understand (and probably won't because the tendency toward denial is real high and most people think "oh, that's not me! That's just you transferring what that guy did to me. You don't understand.") And well, I know that that's the probability. But the fact is, on here, you can't hit me for saying what I believe and perhaps someday - before you lose the people important to you, you'll see what's been said.
The bottom line is that dysfunctionalism (the silence) - and yes, I did look at your profile...that's what helped me make sense of what you were doing. - set the stage for you to react as you did. So, while I'm saying anger management, I'm also suggesting that you get help to deal with the underlying dysfunctionalism. (and I'm NOT saying that the dysfunctionalism was your fault.) After all, that's what set this all up in the first place. I believe, and I know I said, that as you become healthier in that regard, the choices you made in the situation you related to us will not be such an option for you anymore. Not because you shouldn't, not because it's illegal, but because you'll be healthier. But it takes courage and a willingness to do the hard work you will need to do to deal with what came before.
While I'm willing to put this thread to rest, my question is, are you willing to do what it takes to be a healthy and fully involved responsible mature acting adult? Because honestly, dominant or no dominant, you do deserve to feel better about yourself and about the things that happened in your life that have led to your reactions with that dominant you unleashed on.
juliet
< Message edited by julietsierra -- 7/25/2008 3:08:15 PM >
|
RE: Moving past anger and heartbreaks - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread