It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are their Master/slave

Page: [1] 2 3 4 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

It's not your job to fix your partner...even if you are... - 8/4/2008 9:24:34 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

If you are with a broken person, don't fool yourself into thinking that you can fix them. It's a terrible responsibility to put on yourself. It's a terrible responsibility to expect someone to take on for you. If you are broken, only you can fix you. Yes, you may need to reach out to others for help and support...but the ultimate responsibility is on you. In power exchange relationships we sometimes view our responsibility to our partners at an even higher level. I have heard so many dominant/Masters express that they are responsible for their sub/slaves. I have seen so many sub/slaves who place the responsibility for their partners happiness or well being on their own shoulders. While we do indeed have a responsibilty TO each other, we are not responsible FOR each other.

It's easy to get caught up in that trap, especially when it is someone that we love. Especially when we have that component of our own personalities that wants to be helpful, to be needed. I know, I've been there and done it myself. Even when rationally I knew better.

We buried my ex Master this weekend. He hung himself last Thursday. His demons ended up the victor. I feel like I've been gutted. For 16 years he has been such a huge part of my life. Our relationship officially changed from that of a couple to one of best of friends 5 years ago but that didn't change how much we meant to each other. He was my family.

He was an alcoholic who enjoyed some very extended periods of sobriety. For the first 8 years of our relationship he was sober and life was amazing. Then came the crash. Three more years of profound devastation. He was my Master. I lived and breathed for him. I HAD to fix him. I HAD to carry him through. I tried to fight his battle with every weapon I had...and even some I just made up along the way. I was determined that I would not lose him to this beast. This beast that transformed him from the wise, caring and compassionate man that I loved...into the unrecognizable violent, cold and heartless stranger who didn't care about anyone or anything....least of all himself. There were periods on tranquil lucidity, moments of clarity. I clung to them. They renewed my strength and gave me hope. But they became fewer....and farther apart. Life became a blur of emergency rooms and visitation rooms at the local jail. Eventually the decision had to be made. None of us were going to survive. As a matter of self preservation I had to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

My leaving was the catalyst for another year of sobriety for him....that and the ultimatum given him by the state. That year was spent in a treatment facility. We remained close and I continued to be supportive....but I had heard it all far too many times to take that chance and resume our relationship. He got out and fell in with the first girl who came along on his ever pressing quest to find someone who would "make" him happy. He never did find the understanding that happiness was something that could only come from inside of himself...and he couldn't be happy because he couldn't forgive himself, he hated himself. It wasn't long before he was drinking again. The state had enough and very generously provided accomodations for him for the next 3 years.

He used his time there well and tried to work on himself. We had many, many long and meaningful conversations while he was there. He came out with a renewed determination. Upon his release he was the happiest and most content than I'd seen him in years. But I still watched with caution...for I had seen such hopefullness brutally destroyed in a moment's time before. He'd been out nearly a year now. We've shared so many joyful conversations since then. We had the opportunity to also have many talks that took us back over time and helped us to sort it all out and put it into some kind of perspective that provided some closure on that time frame. It really was looking up for him....until recently.

When he called last week I knew from his tone. He was melancholy. He wanted to travel back down roads we had been over time and time again. Apology after apology. He said he needed to know that I'd forgiven him. I asked him why all of this talk now, we've been over it so many times. I suspected I knew the answer. He went on to tell me that I was absolutely the best thing that had ever happened in his life and that he wanted to make sure that I knew that. I kept waiting for what I was pretty sure to come...and it did. He ended up telling me life was falling apart and he didn't know what to do. "I've got a bottle of Jack in front of me". What he was really saying is "Please rescue me".

Noooooo. It's not fair dammit. Here I was sitting with my new Master. I did MY work after our breakup. I waited until I had healed all my wounds and sorted through all of the BS. I was not going to go into a relationship and expect someone else to have to deal with any of that. My life is where I want it to be....and I have fought the hard fight to get here. So I told him "I've been your guardian angel that has been rescuing you for 16 years now....and I can't keep rescuing you from yourself. You have to make your own decisions. You know that you have been sticking your hand in that fire over and over....and every time you get badly burned by it. It's your choice if you want to do it again....but I can't stop you." He chose to drink himself into oblivion. That was just mere days before the end. It was the last time I spoke to him. I prayed that he would see himself through it.

He made his choice. But now here I sit. The rational part of me KNOWS that this is not my doing. But I can't get my head to stop playing the "what if?" game. What if I had just gone and gotten him? Rescued him one more time? I feel like a failure. I feel like I bear the responsibility. My head knows how wrong it is to feel like that....but my heart isn't getting the message. I know I'm not alone...at his funeral yesterday there was a room packed with people who all feel exactly the same way. None of us are to blame...but we all share to some degree in the feeling that we are.

Please people...don't ever make anyone feel like they are responsible for your happiness. Don't ever assume the responsibility for someone else's happiness. It's a painfully heavy burden to bear.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"