CallaFirestormBW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DavidS8ist
The point I've been trying to make - and obviously I'm not making it clearly enough - is that it takes a long time to establish the kind of trust in a person that allows a person to bottom to another. The employment of "safe words" short cuts that time, cuts corners on the due diligence process, allows for a false sense of security. Unfortunately, yours and Softness' stories support my thesis. You negotiated, you used safe words, you did, technically, all the right things we tell people to do and yet despite that, both situations went horribly wrong. Even in a public setting with DMs present, a safe word was consistently ignored (although, again, from the described situation, we don't know what was said between the people involved - but I'll accept that according to the rules of safe words, the interaction should at least have been suspended at "red" and re-evaluated).
My consistent point has been this: safe words work with safe people. And with safe people, you probably won't ever need a safe word *because there will be lines of mutual communication* and a concern for mutual well-being.
I'm truly sorry that you and Softness were harmed. I do regret, however, that neither of you reported that you dropped a dime on the SOBs, because you were both victims of assault and sexual assault and those guys should pay the price. Perhaps if people began doing that, we could cull the herd of uncaring, uneducated, and predatory animals.
D.
Ok, this is kind of long-winded, but I've actually been thinking this through for a couple of days now -- so here goes...
The idea that 'trust' takes a long time to develop may be true, but it does nothing to address the situation for individuals who -do- play casually, and who are willing to risk in order to experience. I'll be honest, I play casually at parties and events... especially now that my Darling and I don't have active bond-servants in the household. I have a couple of people that I do edge-play activities with that are collared, but not bond-servants, and they aren't always available, but that -doesn't- mean that I won't play with others who are a part of the groups that we gather with. Others, too, play casually, and sometimes play with individuals that they don't know well. Doing so is a huge risk for the recipient -and- a huge responsibility for the top (as well as being a risk for the top as well if something goes wrong). I tend not to edge-play with strangers -- but I have no problem doing other kinds of play, which some still consider a risky proposition.
The issue at hand, to me, is really about "What do we do about a situation where we suspect that there is non-consensual play going on, or where we suspect that a safeword has been ignored. I know that some of the DMs have commented on the challenges, and while I do understand, I think that it is better to be safe than sorry -- if we are playing in public, we are already sacrificing a measure of our privacy. I think that it makes -sense- for our DMs at events and clubs to be able to stop a scene where they suspect that something fishy is going on, ask questions (like talking to the bottom about the safeword rules as xhe understands them), and I really think it is important that we, as a community, support our DMs in being able to be pro-active about helping out and understanding when they err on the side of caution and stop our scenes. I've seen tops -and- bottoms get pissy and argumentative, when I believe that the DMs were only doing their job. I also think that it is important for people to be willing to get a DM and say "hey, something looks 'off' here -- can you check it out?"
Each of us has a responsibility, though, too. Playing in public is one thing... we, in some ways, have the option of greater protection by being in a public place where people can see what is going on. However, there are any number of people who play with individuals that they either don't know or barely know in private -- and the risks attendant in that need to be added to any risks already attendent in the kind of play being done. Especially for those of us who are heavy players, we put a lot on the line every time we scene, and with great adventure come great risks -- I think that sometimes we minimize those risks because we =really= want the experience... and sometimes, the costs are far higher than even we could have imagined, had we let ourselves really face the level of risk.
Safewords (or even regular words that a top either doesn't or won't hear) aren't a magic bullet to safe play. They provide a 'warm fuzzy' for people who are nervous about getting started in a lifestyle that clearly has a lot of risk. DavidS8ist was right in that the panacea of the safeword is not an actual protection if an individual truly wants to hurt someone. I, too, believe that, in some cases, the safeword may actually aggravate the issue of risk, because it leads to a false sense of security. However, this is a lifestyle that has inherent risk. It is crucial that an individual recognize the true scope of the risks xhe is taking -- and then truly evaluate how xhe feels about risking hirself at that level... and do so presuming the worst case... and then use the situation's advantages/disadvantages (public vs. private; active, supported DMs vs. ineffectual or non-existent DM system, etc.) to weight things accurately before making a decision.
WIITWD is very visceral and emotional for most people. It evokes intense sensation and emotion quickly. Because of this, it is crucial to take time -before- entering into that heightened state of perception from the sights, scents, sensations, and smells of the scene to determine as accurate a risk picture as possible -- and then take the chances that seem appropriate and fun, and accept responsibility for the attendant risks, according to what one finds 'safe enough'.
Calla Firestorm
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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"
"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer
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RE: Ignoring Safe Words........... - 
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