Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly mentored submissives


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly mentored submissives Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 5:47:46 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline
quote:

That out there, the thing you fear, that's the future coming, and it's coming like a freight train.


I'm guessing you're going to be playing on the tracks when it does?

Lemme know, because I'll probably be off to the side somewhere watching it go by and I don't wanna see that trainwreck.  'Cause, like, then I'd feel responsible.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 5:50:00 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I am not of the 'safety safety' mantra crowd, exactly.
I am in a stable, happy relationship, and i do not have a safeword.
When not in a relationship, i am extremely selective about playmates, because i know myself, and i don't use safe words. My rule is, i will accept a safeword from a Dom who wants me to have one, but I will not play with any Dom, with or without a safeword, if i would not play with him without one.
I am definatly more 'RACK' than 'SSC'. That means i take responsibility to find out as much as i can about a given practice, then i do it if i want to. I put in as many safety nets as i can without fucking up the fun, but, yea, i know some people won't approve of what i do. i really don't care if people i know online only, or not at all, approve. i select doctors who accept, if not approve, that i do what i do, so that i can trust them to give me good advice (beyond just the reflexive 'don't do that')
i personally happen to belong to a street level (you know, off the net) social network where the mentouring of unowned subs is expected. And, i gotta tell you, i like mentouring. When my last beloved Master released me, he mentoured me for the three years it took me to find my Master. Here's what i like best about mentouring: when i am talking to some dom, and the time comes to talk about meeting (which, if he is local, is in a few hours or days or weeks), and i say, 'please write my mentour', they all say, 'sure! no problem! i'll get right on that - write him tonight - so we can meet up on Saturday!' and then, 95% of them never write him.
I have no interest in going out with some man who is so afraid of other Dominant men that he won't even email a Dom who is 800 miles away. Really. Write me again, after you grow a pair.
I also like safecalls. Safecalls are pretty vanilla, in my opinion. Some of the people who have accepted my safecalls in the past include my childhood best friend, some of my biosisters, and my dad. it's not so hard.
the guy you are making the safecall from is probably safe. I decided that before i went out with him. one of the ways i decided that was - i asked him to assist me in setting up a safecall. if he gave me valid safecall info without blinking, he is most likely safe. if he doesn't want me to know his real name and where to reach him, something is not kosher, and i really don't care what it is. <shrug>
out there are a bunch of Doms whos prefered M.O. in their Kink is to write to a sub the first time and say, 'Hi slut. Be on the corner of third and main, in a black leather mini skirt and white button up blouse, at 4:p this friday. I'll drive by. If I like you, I'll stop. Get in the car without saying a word. Once I re-inter the highway, i expect a blowjob. You are not to speak until you have swallowed my load.' the right match for him is out there (somewhere....). I wish him luck. my reply letter to him probably indicates that I ain't it.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 5:51:32 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		this is akin to saying stupid people get what they deserve and sometimes so do the overly cautious.

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 5:53:18 AM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		FR

Natural selection is not natural any more. **Puts on my bicycle beanie when I post on the CMforums now**

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 5:55:40 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		O.o

I'll never understand how BDSM is some Dark, scary, mystical practice.

Please, explain what makes this so special?

That being said, people just need to practice whatever safety precautions they are most comfortable with. Does it matter so much when someone wants to make  a safe call?


_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 6:25:00 AM   
mztresn0w


Posts: 174
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline 		We all have to decide what is right for us. Why should it bother anyone else what we may decide if they are not involved in our lives? Isn't that what this lifestyle is about? We all do things differently and we find what works for us. So what if our kink is different than someone elses. Who really cares if we do or don't use safewords or safe calls? It is a personal choice. I live in a state where if you are 18 you don't have to wear a helmet when you are on a motorcycle. I don't wear a helmet but alot of my friends do. We all ride together. Funny, none of them tell me to put on a helmet even when a new person rides with us. Looks like another thought provoking thread.

_____________________________

Becareful what you ask for you may get it and then realize it wasn't what you wanted.
Wicked Evil Grin

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 6:33:23 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz
That being said, people just need to practice whatever safety precautions they are most comfortable with. Does it matter so much when someone wants to make  a safe call?



It only 'matters' when they think it's the safe call that keeps them safe.
 
the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 6:43:40 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline
quote:

It only 'matters' when they think it's the safe call that keeps them safe.   the.dark.


safecalls can not keep you safe. They are a bit like the grownup version of those id cards you get for your kids - then ones with their dental impression in microfische at the bottom. If they need my kids dental impression, i am not going to be having a good day.
If the safecall info gets used, things have already went bad enough that 'keeping me safe' is a horse out of the barn issue already.
However, I will repeat - i think that setting up safecalls contributes to my safety. A properly set up safe call makes me slightly (slightly) safer, not in the call, but in the setting up. If he doesn't want to share his info - or if i go to check the info before giving it to my safecall person and it turns out to be not good, true info - then i don't go out with him, and that makes me just a soupcon safer.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:08:18 AM   
rookey


Posts: 100
Status: offline 		I just wanna say, this is damn fine prose!  Yes, life is more interesting when you live it like an adult.  

Caution is a good thing, but you can get too much of a good thing.  It's said the brave don't live forever, the scared don't live at all. 
 
Being brave is a trade-off between being reckless and overly-cautious.  Being brave is where your fears inform your decisions, but do not make your decisions.  You consider both the consequences of doing and not doing. 
 
If there were no fear there would be no buzz, no sense of elation in overcoming it.
 
Don't get scared, but don't get stupid either.



< Message edited by rookey -- 8/15/2008 8:15:47 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:16:08 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		AWESOME post, DV!!

(I hear you're free this weekend *sigh* . and here I am 3000 miles away...)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to rookey)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:25:05 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mztresn0w

It is a personal choice. I live in a state where if you are 18 you don't have to wear a helmet when you are on a motorcycle. I don't wear a helmet but alot of my friends do.


This is Darcy

I agree that safe words are a personal choice, as is the right to choose whether to wear a helmet or not. It's all about assessing the risks and accepting the consequences.

For example, I respect your right to choose to not wear a helmet, but if you come off your bike and crack your skull open (and let's hope it never happens) then you'll get zero sympathy from me because you chose to expose yourself to that risk. I'd even go so far as to bump you to the back of the medical assistance queue because your injury would have been avoidable had you worn a helmet.

Same goes for safe words. We choose not to use them because we made our own personal judgement calls and we accept that if something were to go wrong, then it's nobody's fault but our own.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to mztresn0w)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:26:13 AM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		You're right, but not having one doesn't keep them safe either.  I'm with Lynnxz...why does it matter if somone wants a safe call?  Or if someone doesn't?  As long as no one is making you do something you don't want to, what's the difference?

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:39:01 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		and what's wrong being safe? bicycle helmets are here for a reason - ever have a loved one recovering from brain injury? ask me about the recovery process, therapies, meds etc sometime. no one's forcing you to wear a seatbelt however make me your next of kin when you go flying through the windshield.

i would rather be (and play) safe than sorry for being abused by someone who ignored the safeword or decided it would be cool to break an arm. that's why i don't play unless trust, compatiblity and friendship is firmly established.

i'm not afraid to play in the dark however there are a bunch of scary others in the dark that i'm afraid of playing with.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:40:24 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory
I don't like you. ...(snip)...You want others to obey your rules for their own darned good.

Ok yeah, this is me... Though to be honest, "for thier own darned good," is just an excuse.. I just wat to be obeyed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkVictory
Fuck you.

Yeah, yeah, fuck you too, buddy.  You are just another weapon I use to keep Mine in line .. "Behave or DV will get you."  I tell her. hehe..

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 8/15/2008 8:04:55 AM >

(in reply to DarkVictory)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:41:45 AM   
DavidS8ist


Posts: 97
Joined: 7/8/2004
From: NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark


It only 'matters' when they think it's the safe call that keeps them safe.
 
the.dark.

 
So spot on!  Someone wants to harm you, sure, go ahead, make that safe call.  Then, BAM!, you're hit on the head with an ax.

Or this scenario.  The call is *not* made.  So the person expecting the call calls the cops.

"Hello, police?  I was expecting a call from my friend out on a blind date and, well, um, she didn't call me."
"Yeah, and...?"
"No, you don't understand, she's with a guy and they're probably gonna do some S&M stuff..."
"Yeah, and...?"
"Well, he may be an abuser!"
"And where are you calling from?"
"St. Louis."
"Lady, this is the Reno police department."
"B-b-but she didn't call.  Don't you understand??!! I'm her safe call!!"
"Has she been missing 24 hours?"
"No, she just met him at 8 o'clock."
"It's only 9:30 lady.  I can't do anything.  If you have nothing else to give me, I've got some real crime to deal with."  Click.
"Hello!!???   HELLO!!!???"

Or person expecting call lives in same town, knows where the guy lives, goes to his house, pounds on the door, and finds out friend was too busy getting orgasms to remember to call.

I wonder who makes all this stuff up?  But what kills me is the way it's preached so fervently at major events, workshops, presentations and demos.  And the people who preach it actually believe in it.  Eric Hoffer must be rolling in his grave.  The True Believers have won.

D.
"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."
- Mark Andrus, "As Good As It Gets"

< Message edited by DavidS8ist -- 8/15/2008 7:46:04 AM >

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:49:36 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		This post reminds me of something similar a few months back when it was being discussed as to whether or not someone should step in and tell someone that what they are doing is crazy and that the odds are wayyyyyyyyy too much in favor of someone getting hurt rather than on fun.

I ride a motorcycle.  The "free spirit" part of me resents being told to wear a helmet by the "nannyists".  But the rational part of me tells me this is one time the nannyists are right and the conservative side of me goes along with the idea that if I am not wearing a helmet and get hurt, others are going to have to pay for it...and that frosts the conservative side.  I pay for my own mistakes and expect others to do the same.  The problem is that many don't...they want to go out in the fucking mountains of Colorado and go hiking in the snow near avalanche areas because "it's cool" and then expect to have all available resources made available when they get themselves lost or buried under said snow because they didn't have hiking experience. 

Have the "nannyists" gone too far?  Yeah, in a lot of instances they have...telling a privately-owned establishment that their customers have the right to enforce their ways on them...i.e. the smoking ban...but not have to pay any of the expenses on the business.  Hey, if you don't want to eat somewhere where they smoke...here's a tip, go somewhere where they don't.  If your past favorite restaurant owner chooses to continue to allow people to smoke in his establishment, that should be his right...he owns the business, you don't.  He pays the taxes and the upkeep on the place, you don't.  You do have the right to go to a restaurant where they do not allow smoking...and in any given city, there will be plenty.  BUT...the "nannyists" telling me I have to wear a helmet...when I look at the economic consequences to the healthcare system and to other peoples' pockets alone if I do not and something tragic happens...I can suck it up and live with it. 

The same goes with BDSM.  It is, at its core, a sexual play arena.  I am not big on the government telling me what to do in my bedroom.  So, if you want to put a loaded gun in your girl's mouth, go for it.  I will tell you that you are crazy and I disagree and I will fight the government's attempt to make me pay health care expenses for you and yours if the gun goes off.  If you want to stand up and bear all related expense, then go for it.  If not, it might be better advised to listen to the BDSM "nannyists" who say "don't do that...the odds don't work in anyone's favor if it goes even the least bit wrong".

(in reply to simpleplan2)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:52:31 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

Or this scenario.  The call is *not* made.  So the person expecting the call calls the cops.

"Hello, police?  I was expecting a call from my friend out on a blind date and, well, um, she didn't call me."
"Yeah, and...?"
"No, you don't understand, she's with a guy and they're probably gonna do some S&M stuff..."
"Yeah, and...?"
"Well, he may be an abuser!"
"And where are you calling from?"
"St. Louis."
"Lady, this is the Reno police department."
"B-b-but she didn't call.  Don't you understand??!! I'm her safe call!!"
"Has she been missing 24 hours?"
"No, she just met him at 8 o'clock."
"It's only 9:30 lady.  I can't do anything.  If you have nothing else to give me, I've got some real crime to deal with."  Click.
"Hello!!???   HELLO!!!???"


Well that's what you get for making a safe call to the wrong person. ;D

Damn- if you are going to have a safe call, do it like I do- My safe call guys are one of three people- One is a 6'7" bouncer, one is a Marine with more guns in his car, than I've ever had in my house, and one is my massive personal trainer... although he's one of those guys who has so much muscle I'm not sure if he can scratch his ass... hrm.

Grandma, is not a good safecall. Pssst.... you got that common sense? Great, I'll take twelve!

And before the SUPER AMAZING HARDCORE masochist point and giggle at me for having a safe call (You know who you are) Let me point out that I do this professionally, and I take great pride in not having my head up my ass.



_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to DavidS8ist)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 7:54:05 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Safety has been taken to extremes in all walks of life, now, not just here.
When I was a kid, I did thing and was allowed to do things that would probably fall under abuse now. We played rugby on the grass without pads, we practiced our karate sparring onthe beaches without our protective gear...
And we are all still here.
I fully believe you should meet someone a first time in person in a public place. That is the ONLY safety precaution I preach (and practice) with the caveat that it is not foolproof. Safety gear ad precautions are made to increase your chances of ebing safe, not gaurnatee it. I can still crack my skull wearing a helmet, its just less likely. A predator can wait until after someone makes their safe call to strike. They can even wait until a second or third meeting, when all those safety precautions people wave about have been abandoned.
The fear is bad, but you have to live life. Everything can be scary, but some let it be immobalizing. Why worry more about meeting someone from a BDSM realm than you would a vanila one? Why is this scarier then going on a date, or even meeting a group for an outting. Hide in a hole and tell everyone why the only safe way to do things is in that hole and thats where you will always be. Alone in your hole. Take a chance. It might hurt, it might not but at least you wont always be wondering which one it would have been.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to DavidS8ist)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 8:19:17 AM   
IvyMorgan


Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline 		I've never used a safe call.  When meeting someone, most of the time I've told a friend where I'm going.  Vaguely.

When working, I had a way of indicating to the management that there was a problem without the person I was with knowing so that I could be "called away" before anything happened (like my being alone with said person).

I suck at this traditional safety lark.

Not all of my meet ups were happy lands of fun.  I never got hurt.  I had more whoops moments whilst working, with all the safety set up there, than I did meeting people on my own.

I think there is a benefit to telling people (any people) about general "how to be safe when meeting strange people from the internet".  But, that, probably by the time you get to being an adult, you should have the common sense to work it out yourself without the benefit of a multicoloured handout (sadly, people are stupid, and need the multicoloured hand out).  I'd suggest that the biggest problem with the "this is the safe way to do it" mantra is that there is not enough emphasis placed on the fact that there is still risk *even if* you follow all of their "how to be safe" rules.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly me... - 8/15/2008 8:19:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I really don't care what idiocies others do. As long as I don't have to pay for it.

That means if you ride a motorcycle without a helmet, you better have ten million in insurance to cover the cost of 40 years in a head trauma facility. I don't want my taxes raised to pay for you.

That means the same if your kids ride without a seatbelt. I should not pay for your stupidity.

Same with second hand smoke. I don't want an increased risk of lung cancer, heart disease etc because you insist on smoking in a restaurant. And you better be able to pay for your own health care.

Do what you want, ruin your kids' lives, but don't expect me to pick up the tab. Be an adult and pay for your own mistakes.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to softness)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Safe calls, Negotiation, Safe Doms, and properly mentored submissives Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109