Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Sexually Disconnected Doms


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sexually Disconnected Doms Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:20:42 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		Note:
 
This Op deals with a topic many may find highly sensitive. It may be that some members find it very easy to feel offended or hurt by what’s written. 
 
Some may even be hurt or offended merely because I dared raise the topic at all.
 
I was aware of that when I wrote this Op.  I considered not writing it at all, but am pretty motivated to get some input, so I decided to go ahead. 
 
In writing this Op, I tried hard to strike a balance between sensitivity to how it might possibly cause offense, and choosing language sufficient to communicate.  While *I* feel *I* succeeded at finding a balance, it was a difficult task for me.  
 
In short, by no means is this an 'instanty-Op'.
 
Please try to bear the aforementioned in mind while reading the remainder of the Op.  My goal was that *no one* would be hurt or offended..if I fell short of that goal...try to remember it was not intentionally. 
 
Also, the Op is not directed at anyone in particular, okay?  It is not some sneaky, underhanded way to insult a particular member, or any other variation of passive-aggressive bullsh*t.
 
Please take a deep breath and relax a moment before reading on.
 



 
I’ve been aware of the phenom of the ‘sexually disconnected Dom’ for quite some time now.
 
It has taken me awhile to figure out:
 
This *at least to me* is a new phenom.  It’s more than just a few bad dates in a row.
 
And
 
It’s taken me awhile to wrap my head around the *concept* to find enough language to write this Op.
 
A sexually disconnected Dom thinks ‘having a sexual relationship with you’ means ‘you give me a blow job, I get off, and then we’re done having sex’.
 
WTF?
 
How is this a ‘sexual relationship' – unless it’s some weird form of masturbation?
 
I mean, like, where’s her orgasm?
 
Hell, for that matter, where’s the mind-blowing French kiss hard on the mouth with his hand fisted in her hair yanking her head where he wants it?
 
A sexually disconnected Dom evidentially sees himself as a sexual being, and may even feel he has a very high libido. 
 
I am well-aware some Doms could be viewed as 'asexual' - that some Doms want only play, not play and sex.  But I have always limited Doms such as these to friendship -- nothing more. 
 
The sexually disconnected Dom is not truely 'asexual'.  I mean, for one thing, he wants to get off about as badly and about as quickly as any sexual Dom, as far as *I* can tell.
 
It would be hard to imagine there's a rash of 'asexual' Doms pretending to be 'sexual' and then surprising the fem submissive on the 1st or 2nd date with the 'bad news'.  What would be the pay off?  Wouldn't they have to strange rangers indeed?
 
Nothing in any interaction with a sexually disconnected Dom that is not *face/face/intimate* gives any *me, at least* indication that in fact, he is sexually disconnected.
 
Nor do I get the *sense* that this is some variation on the ‘he’s just a vanilla guy getting his rocks off’ phenom.  Like most fem submissives, I was long ago *been there, done that, got the tee shirt* about the vanilla wanker guys, trolls, HNGs, etc.
 



 This is sort of how I *conceptualize* the phenom:
 
All Men > All Men with kink> All self-identifying Doms> All real Doms> All sexually disconnected Doms.
 



Any *clue phones ringing* out there as you read this Op?
 
Anyone? 
 
To male Doms (and their friends):
 
Do male Doms talk to each other about such matters?  I think most fem submissives discuss matters of sexual health (if you can call this phenom that), but my sense always was pretty much the chances were about *zero* that vanilla guys discussed anything remotely related *poor male performance as a lover*.  Is there anything different in this regard about male Doms?
 
Male Doms seem to me most likely to *know* anything about the sexually disconnected Dom and least likely to *speak* about it -- at the same time.
 
To male and lesbian submissives (and their friends):
 
Is there also a phenom of sexually disconnected Dommes?
 
To fem submissives (and their friends):
 
Anyone else aware of the phenom of the sexually disconnected Dom? 
 
I mean, surely this is more than some cosmic joke being played just on me?
 
Hell, I have trouble just trying to imagine what a woman could possibly do to *deserve* this, LOL.
 
This does seem like a new phenom to me. Even going back so far in my life to the time when I never let a guy get past 2nd base, I don’t remember anything quite like. Yes, like most people, I have had selfish lovers before -- but even they took some of their pleasure from touching me in ways that at least aroused me.
 
An stray thoughts on any possible *clues* to help identify a sexually disconnected Dom before he gets his bj?  
 
Personally, I put a lot into a bj. It's certainly a lot, in the physical sense...but it's also a lot in an emotional and spirtual sense. I might kiss some guy because of lust, but I wouldn't give him a bj if that's all I felt. 
 
When *suddenly, as soon as he cums, that’s is, time to see how the <insert name of sports team here.> did thing* happens....
 
I feel very frustrated, but also weirded out and even as if I’ve just been ‘sexually robbed’, if you know what I mean?
 
Thanks in advance to anyone who posts in a responsive manner.
 
I could care less whether anyone hijacks the thread since I haven’t a clue where information might come from. 
 
I may be annoyed with anyone who makes snarky generalizations about men, though *I* think you pretty have to have a 1 digit I.Q. to *believe* snarky generalizations about <insert noun here> with respect to humans anyway.   
 
Peace out, everyone.
 
candystripper
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe0IbLBwLs8
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:23:26 AM   
Daddystouch


Posts: 162
Joined: 10/20/2006
From: South East England
Status: offline 		They're called dickheads.

_____________________________

What men in all the world have shown such daring?

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:25:09 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		J'ai rien compris.

_____________________________



(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:26:17 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

J'ai rien compris.


I bet I agree with this.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:29:53 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I always view this type of person as emotionally bankrupt. They just do not want to open themself up enough to give a damn about the other person.

Yes, somewhat like masterbation but even more narcissistic.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:30:37 AM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline 		Good lord, you've packed a lot into this OP.  lol

I don't quite get the 'sexually disconnected' phrase.  I think there are selfish lovers in all walks of life, including Doms.  I don't think there's any way of figuring it out before it happens - I've been there/done that. 

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:35:44 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		you've had a real run of bad luck... or you are sending out the wrong signals if you are drawing such type to you enough to have "More than a few bad dates in a row"

I don't know about others, but when discussion between Me and those fellow Male Doms (involved in a wide scale of Dynamics.. Top/bottom, Dom.sub, Master/slave) I call friends and mix with on the London scene, leads to discussing sex... blow jobs don't exactly take certer stage.. Resistance play, restraint, forced orgasms, humiliation... taking them repeatedly to the edge and holding them there unsure of wether you are going to bring them back down just to build them up again, or hold them there begging for release, or indeed push them over and have them scream the place down even though they are gagged.... those sort of things tend to be more common in discussion.

Maybe it is a cultural thing and it is different on that side of the pond? I'd guess We have sexualy repressed doms over here too but I doubt in such numbers as most would find themselves involved with a succession of them.... unless they where drawing them or just terminaly unlucky.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Daddystouch)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:37:54 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

WTF?
 
How is this a ‘sexual relationship' – unless it’s some weird form of masturbation?
 
I mean, like, where’s her orgasm?

 
some submissives get intense pleasure and some are even brought to orgasm by pleasing/pleasuring their partner.
 
those particular submissive's pleasure/orgasm is bringing their partner pleasure, by a blowjob, handjob or whatever the sexual activity is that the partner desires.

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:43:44 AM   
DomDolf


Posts: 363
Joined: 7/11/2008
Status: offline 		With a slave they MAY get away with that. Assuming the submissive is NOT okay with this, they are going to lose them. I have never met someone I respected that did this. They are usually flawed in other ways and make themselves well known through those flaws. Conversations with submissives, after they have ended their relationships with such men, have confirmed that they are, as suspected,  flawed men.

Dolf

< Message edited by DomDolf -- 8/19/2008 11:44:37 AM >

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:52:40 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I remember the day when men talked about a woman that just laid there.  There are men that do too and most of them before hand will promise stars and fireworks. lol  The more they promise, the less they are going to do in my experience.  As far as I am concerned, I don't look at it as a disconnect from one who cannot connect, but more a... I want to get off with no effort, demands or relationship.  If they find someone they really want, they will put the effort in.

I guess the only thing a woman can do is to make sure he is into you more than a few pretty words and a tug on a nipple, a feather across the clit and an expectation that you ought to be friggin hot enough with that, to do anything they want.

Think about it... a lot of men claim to be dom for the bootie... (No offense to good dom's!  Different kind of beast altogether!)

< Message edited by Lockit -- 8/19/2008 11:54:14 AM >

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 11:57:41 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

J'ai rien compris.


I bet I agree with this.


You didn't understand either?

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:00:30 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		*shrugs*  selfish is selfish... what more is there to say?  They're not "sexually disconnected"... they just don't care about their partners. 

(in reply to thishereboi)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:04:07 PM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I like a good blow job as much as the next guy, and I will be the first to tell you that by the time I was mature enough to let my dominance come to the surface enough to self-identify as a Dom, I was also too old to just continue fucking indefinately after I had my orgasm..  Then never meant that the sex stopped there for me, however.  It just mean I needed recovery time before further penetration was possible.  It is my guess that the Doms you have had experience with did not have enough savvy to understand that their penis was not their only sex organ.. Too bad for them and too bad for you.

I can tell you it is probably a common problem.  It is just not one I have.  These are they guys you hear at the bar saying things like "Ahh, for the days of catholic school girl blow job queens who were saving themselves for marriage, hehe.. when you would enjoy a good blow job all the way to the finish and not have to worry about having something left for her pleasure afterward, and in fact, that WAS her pleasure."  Poor fools.  Like they know what her pleasure was.  If in fact that was her pleasure, then it was because she enjoyed the power she had over them.  More likely she wanted something for herself, but did not know how to communicate it, and these idiots never thought to ask.


_____________________________


Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to DomDolf)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:11:26 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		candystripper,

A good post that deserves attention. I think needingmore and merc@beth brought to light the actual 75 percent of the problem. Just as males are hard wired to hunt it is also true that the sexual tension just learks away so to speak when that cock goes off. their mind just natually turns to other things like who is wining and  sometimes sleep.

There are many that recognize that problem and work to keep the org from  happening within the mind/body equation. Hell at time I have to literally grit my teeth and stop the action until my mind gets control of Mr Johnson. Thus the long term succesful male "D" will spend time on there submissive prior to even puting the "load" in peril.

CP

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:15:39 PM   
TwoNYCDommes


Posts: 237
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper
A sexually disconnected Dom thinks ‘having a sexual relationship with you’ means ‘you give me a blow job, I get off, and then we’re done having sex’.
WTF?
How is this a ‘sexual relationship' – unless it’s some weird form of masturbation?
I mean, like, where’s her orgasm?

...

Is there also a phenom of sexually disconnected Dommes?


There seem to be quite a few submissive men who want nothing more than to spend hours performing oral without any sort of reciprocity.

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:17:58 PM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		Oh, if you care about your submissive's orgasm, you have to turn in your "Domly Dom" membership card.... don't you?

I've met women who have NEVER had an orgasm and resent attempts to bring them to have one.  All they want is sub-space and nothing else.

I've met submissives who want to service their dominant in any way required and don't give a crap if they enjoy the physical interaction or not.

And then there is the big male ego trip that comes from the tantric energy of creating those rip the sheets and bend the restraints orgams that some are capable of.  (Reminds me, I have two eye bolts to replace soon.)  There is a huge "wow, did I do that" kind of thing going there.

Sexually disconnected... an interesting term.  I heard "erectile dysfunction" when I first read that.  Reading more, I see it is "sexual solipism" in action you are talking about.

All I can say is that there are other flavors of dominance out there. 

Shop wisely and well.

Stefan



(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:22:17 PM   
NeedingMore220


Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TwoNYCDommes
There seem to be quite a few submissive men who want nothing more than to spend hours performing oral without any sort of reciprocity.


I don't mean to switch the topic, but I think it is applicable.  Is this something you want as a Domme?  I love receiving oral as much as the next gal, but when in a relationship I enjoy at least some give and take.  Obviously, I'm on the other side of the slash, but even in vanilla relationships - while it's fun to receive, I also very much enjoy giving, and in D/s, serving. 

Is this perhaps a matter of gender difference - it's acceptable for a Domme to expect unreciprocated oral service but it's selfish for a Dom to expect the same? 

I think another part of the equation is - this is what happens within a few dates with a Dom.  If I was with my Dom and he just wanted a blowjob and that was it, that would be fine with me - it would make me happy to serve him.  But if that happened the first few times we were together, I wouldn't be a happy camper and would be examining that relationship very hard to see if it was going to work. 

(in reply to TwoNYCDommes)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:28:03 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		There are men that are just that way.  Being dominant...or claiming to be...does not relate to its' stopping though many now use the "claim" of dominance to state that they are "just doing what the submissive should expect...using them".

Like Raven, I prefer to do all manner of things to a submissive to bring them to the edge and hold them there for awhile and then, allow them to orgasm.  Over and over until they are nearly spent and then worry about my orgasm.  Because the good thing is this...when I have done this; taken the time to bring them to that orgasm with the paddle, then bring them to that orgasm with my tongue on their clit, then bring them to that orgasm with my tongue in their ass while my fingers were busy on their clit and inside their pussy searching for that spot, then bring them to that orgasm with intercourse...gritting my teeth and holding, holding until they get there...they have usually not had a problem with seeing that I had one.

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:31:29 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Some men are selfish, some are bad lovers, some do not know the first thing about sexually pleasing a woman.  I think it's a guy thing more than a dom thing.  Thank goodness there are some who have a clue and the skill to go with it.  A guy can think it's all about him and his pleasure, but he needs to remember that not all girls are going to live forever in sexual frustration.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 12:36:29 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
A guy can think it's all about him and his pleasure, but he needs to remember that not all girls are going to live forever in sexual frustration.


Thats just it, it IS about My pleasure... My pleasure comes from My control of her, playing with her, teasing her, she is the instrument and I am the musician, her reactions are My music. The 'problem' is that there are many who only think with their dick, the brain is the most seductive sexual organ of all.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sexually Disconnected Doms Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.111