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RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:02:08 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Some men just suck in bed. It doesn't mean that they are disconnected necessarily.

Not to be snarky, but really...

Well, 'Duh'.

I knew that by the time I was 12...and had yet to get a fix on the 'mechanics' of sex, never mind lose my viriginity.

These are not just 'men who blow' sexually.

Something else is *happening*, at least in addition to, if not instead of, that.

candystripper

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 61

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:05:42 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

Something else is *happening*, at least in addition to, if not instead of, that.

You have to look at yourself then, candy ... you're the common denominator here.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 62

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:11:01 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

The point is though a lot of people are bashing and shedding a negative light on quite a few of the traits that tend to make dominants "dominant".

I agree.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 63

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:20:04 PM

Abaddon2u

Posts: 49
Joined: 8/12/2008
Status: offline

candystripper

P.S. Any idea how to identify such a man prior to the bj?
[/quote]

Perhaps a little communication, prior to opening cerimonies?

It is just a thought.

Abaddon

"the only difference between myself and a madman is that I am not mad."- Salvador Dali

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 64

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:37:23 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

Because of your desperation, and the ease with which your fantasies can be used to lead you.

Well, I'm confident nothing whatsoever would lead someone to get a strong *desperate* cue from me. Even if by some quirk it were to happen, it could not possibly be happeing frequently or even sometimes.

Deep as the hunger does run -- I admit that -- I have a sense of 'suspense' about the future that leaves me kind of just 'waiting to see what happens'.

Pretty much it'll be one of two things.

Nobody shows up, and my life continuies to become more and more fulfilling, just not *joyful* in a way I happen to crave.

Or

Somebody does show up, and in addition to whatever other achievements of peace of satisfaction, etc., I have -- I will also have the *joy*.

But there is *absolutely zero* chance I'll ever again 'be in a sexual relation' which *I* feel is a "bad relationship'.

Not too sure what you meant about 'fantasises leading me...'

candystripper

Leatherist, thank you for not being snarky to me. I know we haven't always had quality exchanges, and I accept my share of the blame for that.

All through your past threads you have projected this fantastical "castle realm" pov.

You'll have to kick out the pink unicorns along with the fucktards. One leads to another-people first, then roles.

You're not the only one to ever use 'castle realm' as a perjorative adjective. I've never quite gotten WTF the 'hating on castle realm' thing is all about. Ya, they tend to write in a sort of 'soft porn for women' kind of way.

And?

So?

I don't ever see anybody 'hating on steeldoor' because they tend to write in a sort of 'hard core porn for men' kind of way.

So, like WTF?

Anyway.

Almost from the time I first arrived...with only the most rudimentary idea of what D/s could be...flying by the seat of my pants and guided instinct alone.. I have heard things like this:

'You're not a real sub'

"You don't belong on this site'

'You have your head up your ass...you will never find a Dom'

Etc.

And I have pondered it some.

I will grant I never gave any thought as to whether my writing style on the boards could account for it...but my sense is it's rare for me to get an email from someone who's actually read one of my posts.

My theory is it's because I'm a pretty rare bird. Evidentially masos are common, but pleasure submissives are rare.

Nonetheless I'll see if I can get someone adept at language to read a few posts and get some feedback.

Note: I have *no* clue what nexis you think there could be between viewed as a rather 'daydreamy' woman and this 'sexual disconnection' I find too often in the men I date. If you were right, and I was sending that vibe, seems like the result would be either I'd attract a few more 'sensual Doms' or that the effect would be zero/neutral as to whom I attract.

Peace out.

candystripper

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 65

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:41:10 PM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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Perhaps men are seeing that label of "pleasure submissive" as someone who only wants to give.

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Post #: 66

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:46:12 PM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

Some men just suck in bed. It doesn't mean that they are disconnected necessarily.

These are not just 'men who blow' sexually.

Something else is *happening*, at least in addition to, if not instead of, that.

candystripper

Well, if it's a pattern with the guys you are involved with, maybe you are subconsciously picking men who seem detached because you don't want to connect emotionally, and they're reflecting back what you're putting across.
I don't know if this is the case, I'm just throwing it out there, since there are a lot of guys you have had this experience with.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 67

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:46:48 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: derfrewop

I don't think this is disconnect.

He got exactly what he wanted: a one time use, disposable sub, who he does not need to concern himself about keeping.

While I don't understand the mindset. the fact is that there are a lot of subs out there so he will be too old to get it up before he runs out of victims.

I really do think the error here is yours. Every Dom I have ever thought to be "respectable" is always interested in making sure he will get to do it again. Why does a D spend the time to find out what makes a sub tick? So they can do it and then do it again and again. Why does a D spend the time to find out limits? So they avoid what will prevent them from having you again and again. Why spend days and weeks practicing skills unless you want to do it again and again? Why SSC? So you can do it again.

So how is it possible for you to repeatedly attract dickheads unless you are somehow telling them you just want to be disposable? Once or twice could be naivety. Several in a row can only mean that this is what you are negotiating and agreeing to. Somehow, you are presenting yourself as a one shot, not seriously looking for an ongoing relationship. And getting just that. I mean really, why would he spend the huge amount of time writing emails, communicating, meeting in public, negotiating limits, and all of the hoops subs make doms jump through, all for one short blow? The only thing that makes sense is that there was no reason for him to believe there was anything more possible.

I love this answer.
At some point people are still people, men are still men and women are still women.
If you don't want to be treated poorly, like trash or something or someone disposable?
Many people only treat us the way we allow them to treat us.

The old rules often apply, if you want more than a few nights of "fun".
Seriously, if I am picking partner after partner that is "wrong", then it is time to look
at myself closer, maybe I am the one choosing the wrong partners?

Why am I getting into relationship after relationship with people that mistreat
me or treat me like shit or as if I was disposable?
You are bright purple one, pull up those big girl panties.

I am glad a Dominant male wrote this!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 8/19/2008 8:57:55 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to derfrewop)

Post #: 68

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:51:40 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Perhaps men are seeing that label of "pleasure submissive" as someone who only wants to give.

When I see "service sub", I tend to wonder how such a person could help me to have a better life with her. Which makes me at least tentatively interested in meeting some of the needs of a person I could potentially be happy with.

When I see something like "toy" or "Pleasure submissive"....I tend to think "selfish bottom".

Someone with an itch to scratch, but lacking the depth of giving that a guy like me is interested in making a serious investment in.

< Message edited by Leatherist -- 8/19/2008 8:52:21 PM >

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I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 69

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:54:10 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Perhaps men are seeing that label of "pleasure submissive" as someone who only wants to give.

Could be. Perhaps you should expand on your ideas of what a 'pleasure submissive' entails on your profile to be more clear?

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 70

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 8:57:22 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Something else is *happening*, at least in addition to, if not instead of, that.

Yes, there is something else going on. They are men who are stunted in their emotional development. They don't understand that it's not all about them. I think in many cases it is this simple.

_____________________________

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(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 71

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 9:01:58 PM

NeedingMore220

Posts: 615
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

When I see something like "toy" or "Pleasure submissive"....I tend to think "selfish bottom".

Someone with an itch to scratch, but lacking the depth of giving that a guy like me is interested in making a serious investment in.

That's a great point - what's in it for a Dom except for meeting the sub's needs and mutual hanky panky? I'm not sure that you're going to attract a Dom of any great depth with that in the profile. Candy, I perved your profile and honestly, didn't see where it mentions anything that you offer to the Dom. It's a very comprehensive list of your needs, wants, desires, as well as a lot of things you don't want.

Perhaps it's best to start out with (or at least include!) what you offer him.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 72

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 9:03:11 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

quote:

When I see something like "toy" or "Pleasure submissive"....I tend to think "selfish bottom".

Someone with an itch to scratch, but lacking the depth of giving that a guy like me is interested in making a serious investment in.

That's a great point - what's in it for a Dom except for meeting the sub's needs and mutual hanky panky? I'm not sure that you're going to attract a Dom of any great depth with that in the profile. Candy, I perved your profile and honestly, didn't see where it mentions anything that you offer to the Dom. It's a very comprehensive list of your needs, wants, desires, as well as a lot of things you don't want.

Perhaps it's best to start out with (or at least include!) what you offer him.

Well...she gives head.

_____________________________

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 73

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 9:07:23 PM

ViciousCycle

Posts: 8
Joined: 4/15/2008
Status: offline

Hard dick =focus on maintaining it as long as possible in a desirable warm moist location. Perhaps you shouldn't be quite so accessible as several posts have said? You can clinch the deal on being sought/obtained/seduced/aroused/entered/and completed his need. Where in the unfolding is discussion as to direction and expectation? Perhaps you need to look toward a more mature man....

(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 74

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 9:09:29 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

quote:

ORIGINAL: NeedingMore220

quote:

When I see something like "toy" or "Pleasure submissive"....I tend to think "selfish bottom".

Someone with an itch to scratch, but lacking the depth of giving that a guy like me is interested in making a serious investment in.

That's a great point - what's in it for a Dom except for meeting the sub's needs and mutual hanky panky? I'm not sure that you're going to attract a Dom of any great depth with that in the profile. Candy, I perved your profile and honestly, didn't see where it mentions anything that you offer to the Dom. It's a very comprehensive list of your needs, wants, desires, as well as a lot of things you don't want.

Perhaps it's best to start out with (or at least include!) what you offer him.

Well...she gives head.

And drama.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 75

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 10:12:19 PM

BeIgnited

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline

Hopping in Slightly late, but wanted to share my experience.

I'd argue that many of these men are simply self-absorbed, and perhaps talk a good game that would lead you to believe otherwise.

And of course, that leaves whoever is left over--

I was with a Dom briefly whose ideal dynamic was for me to be the sort of female equivalent of a cuckold. We may have sex, but it would be rare, oral for him and other physical expressions of affection would be more common (he mentioned cuddling, specifically). He would sleep with whomever he wished (though being open and honest about who, when, etc), while I would be denied penetrative sex with him except on very rare occasions probably following a good deal of begging on my part. Ultimately, he wanted me to have other partners, to be very promiscuous, but at his discretion--sleep with who he wanted me to, when, and where--sharing me with friends, and in some cases pimping me out. I should note, that this was an End Goal for the dynamic, and not something he had any intention of jumping into immediately or even in the not-so-distant future. He also seemed to have a good handle on the need of keeping my emotional well being in mind during the process.

Extreme it seemed to me, especially since I'm generally something of a "light" player, but the idea really appealed to me in many ways. When we were together I performed oral sex on him for (literally) hours, while he remained, essentially uninterested--watching TV, surfing the 'net, reading, talking on the phone with others. Performing oral sex is something I really enjoy, and while I like receiving too, my enjoyment of performing oral is in no way dependent on my own forthcoming release, or even really his gratitude (he praised me, but remained distant). I didn't get off except by my own hand at his direction.

But while we were having sex I noticed things that weren't ever discussed--we usually stuck to positions I had told him I really enjoyed. I had told him I really enjoyed spanking and hair-pulling, specifically, and he indulged me heavily. He liked these things too, but they weren't his particular kink. I believe he was doing them largely because of me.

I'm not saying that this Dom is (in a general way) the Doms you have encountered, but merely that this sort of "selfishness" can be a valid and fulfilling kink for both parties. Perhaps your troubles are more that of a mismatched kinks (Or a Man who is willing to "fudge" what his real kink is in hopes of finding someone, anyone).

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 76

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 10:27:49 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

It's always nicer to give pleasure to women who don't think it's an "entitlement".

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to BeIgnited)

Post #: 77

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 10:32:29 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It's always nicer to give pleasure to women who don't think it's an "entitlement".

I have never thought it was an entitlement... but for the most part the men I know have treated my pleasure as a necessity....making me wait to please them.

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 78

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/19/2008 10:34:50 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

It's always nicer to give pleasure to women who don't think it's an "entitlement".

I have never thought it was an entitlement... but for the most part the men I know have treated my pleasure as a necessity....making me wait to please them.

I talk about energy conduits all the time, people never seem to grok what I mean about circular flow.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 79

RE: Sexually Disconnected Doms - 8/20/2008 12:25:33 AM

WyldHrt

Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Candy, I perved your profile and honestly, didn't see where it mentions anything that you offer to the Dom. It's a very comprehensive list of your needs, wants, desires, as well as a lot of things you don't want.

Seconded.
Sorry CS, but having perved your profile, I'm really not surprised that you are attracting the type of D that views you as "disposable". It reads as a LONG laundry list of desires, fantasies, demands, a heavy dash of princess... yet almost nothing about what you offer in return. It is most likely turning off the Doms that you are actually trying to attract.

BTW, I would ditch the entire section on ED, as that is something that can/should be discussed once mutual interest is established. As it stands, it reads in a very off-putting, damanding way. As an aside, the part where you say you will "know" if they have ED "certainly no later than the end of the second date" might just be contributing to Ds thinking they will get some quickly....hmm?

Overall, your profile reads like you are more focused on the cock than the man attached to it. That said, it's no surprise that you are attracting the "wrong" Dominants.
I suggest you tighten the whole thing up (wayyy too long) and include more about who you are and what you have to offer than what you want.
JMHO

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"MotherFUCKER!" is NOT a safeword!!"- Steel
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(in reply to NeedingMore220)

Post #: 80

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