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Mentoring... - 8/26/2008 11:58:49 PM

subeos

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What does mentoring mean and consist of in the BDSM world?

Slave eos

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:05:55 AM

MasterFireMaam

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It means different things to different people. Some people feel it's supposed to be like teaching peer-to-peer. Some think it's supposed to be training where there is a full physical relationship. Define what it means to you and follow that.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:07:01 AM

Leatherist

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thinks it's a bunch of bs to make a beeline into your holes about 60 percent of the time.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:17:06 AM

subeos

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Now that is a thought

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:20:48 AM

hopelessfool

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Mentoring how, As in how to use a whip, or an older dom taking a younger dom under his wing to help him become a better person or an older dom mentoring a new sub.

as in how to use a whip, Well its simple, hes teaching said person how to use a whip.

An older dom taking on a younger dom, is ususally a very kind Master helping someone from preventing mistakes. Or could be a Man teaching the younger generation his belief on the one true way to futher his way of thinking (cynic ^_^)

An older dom mentoring a sub.... well one of many things hes helping a new girl experience what she might like or dislike. Hes trying to get the next generation to believe his one true way, or hes found a sucker to fuck and do with as he pleases with out a commitment...

I dont know which is more common... but there ya have it..

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:35:13 AM

Wiseprotector

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The general definition is wise and trusted counselor. And people in BDSM sometimes hold themselves out to be a mentor to someone, to guide them, teach.

Could I ask why your asking? That might be a more important question.

I deleted all the negative things I usually write about mentors. I'll save that for later.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 12:56:19 AM

Wiseprotector

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I have to agree with Leatherist. If someone wants you to be girlfriend/sub/slave/lover whatever just be honest about it.
If you want to learn, why not learn from many, and pick and choose what's right for you.
Whenever someone asks if I'll mentor them, I say no No NO! But I'll show you some cool stuff. You can ask questions. Cry on mah shoulder, etc etc

If they're cute they know I'm trying to seduce them, and I'm not offering to be their mentor.

Honesty is the best policy. Especially if I'm trying to get into their pants.

( did I type that out loud? )

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 4:21:25 AM

chamberqueen

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The person that I considered my mentor simply talked with me about ideas most of the time; and it turned out that we shared a LOT of similar opinions. She just fleshed them out for me.

Sometimes she would bring something to a munch to show me, like a collection of ropes and quick disconnects one time. She would instruct me on what type of rope was best to use, review safe practices with me, and best knotting procedures. She volunteered to allow me Domme her for some sessions which I wasn't able to take advantage of due to the fact I needed to move soon afterward, but I was impressed that someone so experienced would volunteer to take the sub position so that I could learn. She taught me about the political games going on in the group, and while never telling me not to associated with certain people would make sure that I understood the types of head games that different members at the munch liked to play.

I also had a Dom that was an email mentor when I was first in the lifestyle. He taught me an incredible amount, especially how to get into a sub's head and make them feel truly desired. He and I still stay in touch after many years.

Anyone you trust can be a mentor to a small degree - just learning from a well worded and thoughtful post, for example. For others it is a continuing relationship. Some will be more verbal in style while others may use your body to teach you. Trust, as in any other aspect of the lifestyle, is always the key. The person need not be perfect - you can also learn from their bad habits and mistakes what to avoid while learning from the things they do right. Many Daddy style Doms feel that they are continuous mentors. As long as we are open to it we are always learning.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 4:35:53 AM

Dnomyar

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Well put chamberqueen. I had a mentor when I first started out. Without him no telling what kind of crap I would have picked up. I help when I can. I do not push my point of view on anyone. Everyone should develope their own style and way of doing things. You hear a lot of horror storys about some Mentors. Big deal you also hear horror storys about Experienced Dom/Dommes. Common sense will keep you out of a lot of trouble.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 5:09:14 AM

WhiplashSmile2

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In the past few years of using the message boards, I've had a couple of people make comments about how I would make for a good mentor or trainer.

However, these are not titles I really want to take on and hold. In regards to mentoring, I just simply ask somebody questions. See what they know, what they know about themselves, and what they are looking for. I'll share with them the things I know about. Lay out known options. I'm run them through what IF lines of thinking.   However, to offically have a title of somebody's mentor? Ummmm.. pass on that one.

In regards to becoming a Trainer.  I few it the same as mentoring for me. In terms of actual training and conditioning of somebody, that's reserved for somebody I'm in a relationship with, or somebody that is part of my life.

My role in the BDSM community, is pretty much online right now. I'm just another Kinkster in a twisted world. I'm not taking on any Community Sub-titles or roles anytime soon either. I am what I am.

Now I have enjoyed the fact that there are many great people on this message board that I can turn to for advice.   Everybody, I guess is a mentor to some limited degree. Depends upon the topic, and their knowledge and experiences. It varies a lot from person to person.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 5:19:41 AM

DarkSteven

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I have been mentoring a young lady in what is sort of a persoanl trainer relationship, in which she is accountable to meet certain goals on a recurring basis. She tracks them and I praise her or discipline her as applicable.

She never had proper parenting so this fills a void in her life. She is only five years old in many ways and responds well to caring mentoring. Never too late to have a happy childhood.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 6:14:07 AM

subeos

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quote:

The general definition is wise and trusted counselor. And people in BDSM sometimes hold themselves out to be a mentor to someone, to guide them, teach.

Could I ask why your asking? That might be a more important question.

I deleted all the negative things I usually write about mentors. I'll save that for later.

Here is why.
This person i have been talking to on CM and then yahoo said that he wanted me " one" day to be a part of him and wife /slave life and meet.
We are very far apart. So, i thought, why not just mentor me?
He agreed, laid down some rules. which i was okay with.
But he wanted me to call him and i did not feel comfortable.
We have been talking on CM maybe close to two weeks.
He ordered me off-line on Yahoo... and what is funny is he knew when i was on-line invisible.

So he wrote me off-lines and and demanded that i get off. i was actually talking to another friend.
i got on CM and another message he said i told you to go to bed, and i see you logged in CM at 1:30 am. And that he told me to call him and he would order me to bed, and that he was monitoring me. That felt a little creepish!
Actually, it was 11-ish my time because NM time is different than his.
But that freaked me out. Our original agreement was he would "only" recommend things. He also wanted me to call him Sir, which i did not mind. When i respect someone i will address them this way.
So that is why i ask about mentoring. i actually never had any kind of experience in this. But, he was taking it to far to fast.

Anyway, when i logged in he had deleted me and ignored me,,,,lol. So i returned the favor both Yahoo and CM.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. i think i did the right thing.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 6:28:33 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 6:30:21 AM

CelticPrince

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

Mentoring how, As in how to use a whip, or an older dom taking a younger dom under his wing to help him become a better person or an older dom mentoring a new sub.

as in how to use a whip, Well its simple, hes teaching said person how to use a whip.

An older dom taking on a younger dom, is ususally a very kind Master helping someone from preventing mistakes. Or could be a Man teaching the younger generation his belief on the one true way to futher his way of thinking (cynic ^_^)

An older dom mentoring a sub.... well one of many things hes helping a new girl experience what she might like or dislike. Hes trying to get the next generation to believe his one true way, or hes found a sucker to fuck and do with as he pleases with out a commitment...

I dont know which is more common... but there ya have it..

hopeless,

there is the other kind that mentor on a hands off basis with the prior understanding he/she is available to help without a relationship.

CP

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 6:51:27 AM

CruelDesires

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Directed towards the OP.

I have also seen the "mentoring" type of behavior being abused the other way. Where the submissive wants to be "mentored" so they can get "closer" to the D in question.

eos> He just sounds like an overcontrolling douchebag. Put his idiocy behind you and move on.

C-D

< Message edited by CruelDesires -- 8/27/2008 6:52:22 AM >

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 6:56:13 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subeos

Here is why.
This person i have been talking to on CM and then yahoo said that he wanted me " one" day to be a part of him and wife /slave life and meet.
We are very far apart. So, i thought, why not just mentor me?
He agreed, laid down some rules. which i was okay with.
But he wanted me to call him and i did not feel comfortable.
We have been talking on CM maybe close to two weeks.
He ordered me off-line on Yahoo... and what is funny is he knew when i was on-line invisible.
So he wrote me off-lines and and demanded that i get off. i was actually talking to another friend.
i got on CM and another message he said i told you to go to bed, and i see you logged in CM at 1:30 am. And that he told me to call him and he would order me to bed, and that he was monitoring me. That felt a little creepish!
Actually, it was 11-ish my time because NM time is different than his.
But that freaked me out. Our original agreement was he would "only" recommend things. He also wanted me to call him Sir, which i did not mind. When i respect someone i will address them this way.
So that is why i ask about mentoring. i actually never had any kind of experience in this. But, he was taking it to far to fast.

Anyway, when i logged in he had deleted me and ignored me,,,,lol. So i returned the favor both Yahoo and CM.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. i think i did the right thing.

Slave eos

I have a different picture of 'mentorship' than what you are describing, both from being a mentor outside of the BDSM community and as a professional -and- through having been mentored throughout my BDSM experience.

I've had mentors all through my journey. Mentors were always people of the same 'station' as I was (either other servants when I was a servant or other keepers when I became a keeper.) They were people who had more experience than I did, and who were familiar with the particular style of BDSM that I was involved in. They provided guidance, leadership, instruction, and answered questions, as well as helping me to figure out my own skills and interests. They had -no- vested interest in how things turned out for me, though they did have a personal interest in taking this role and providing guidance. They got their "jollies" from watching their mentees succeed, not from coercing obedience or sex out of them.

My Darling was and is my mentor, beginning once I shifted sides of the collar. Because she is a dominant, she did not provide mentorship while I was still in service. This is something that we feel is important, since having a submissive mentor a dominant or having a dominant mentor a submissive can lead to issues of whose interests are being served through the mentorship, and our preference is to keep the mentorship in a situation where the mentor's interests are kept solely to guiding the success of the mentee according to the mentee's goals.

Because we don't share the same fetishes, my Darling has been great about helping and encouraging me to find trainers in the community who can help me to develop greater skill in my own areas of interest. Again, though we are companions, she has no vested interest in how things turn out for me, and does not feel compelled to force me into her fetishes, or to counsel me in mine when they don't overlap. I don't submit to her, and the information/knowledge she shares are given for their own sake, rather than for any advantage that it give her.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:25:09 AM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

thinks it's a bunch of bs to make a beeline into your holes about 60 percent of the time.

~Agrees with Leatherist on this point...except feels it is about 90 percent of the time~

Seriously...I've expressed before how I feel about this so I will make it short this time (yeah, I know...a rarity for me...har de har). If you want to be mentored properly and learn how to be submissive and act submissive and be A submissive...then find another submissive. If you want to learn how to be dominant and act dominant and be A dominant, then find another dominant.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:30:25 AM

DavidS8ist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

thinks it's a bunch of bs to make a beeline into your holes about 60 percent of the time.

LOL...only 60%???!!!

"Mentoring", for the most part, has replaced the old gay leather "you have to bottom before you can top" line of bs to use fresh meat. Oh sure, there are probably a lot of true mentoring dynamics out there sans intimate contact. But all too often, it's just a nicer way to say "want a piece of candy, little girl"? It's a way to feed a line of male bovine excrement to a naive new person for the purposes of selfish orgasms.

Cynical to the end, I remain,

D.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:33:12 AM

KatyLied

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So you asked him to "mentor" you without knowing what it meant? You probably should have had a discussion with him regarding what you expected from a mentoring on-line relationship. Yes, discussion, not a situation where he lays down the rules without input from you. After all, you asked him to mentor you.

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RE: Mentoring... - 8/27/2008 7:39:21 AM

DavidS8ist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subeos

Here is why.
<snip>
He ordered me off-line on Yahoo... and what is funny is he knew when i was on-line invisible.
So he wrote me off-lines and and demanded that i get off. i was actually talking to another friend.
i got on CM and another message he said i told you to go to bed, and i see you logged in CM at 1:30 am. And that he told me to call him and he would order me to bed, and that he was monitoring me. That felt a little creepish!
<snip>

Anyway, when i logged in he had deleted me and ignored me,,,,lol. So i returned the favor both Yahoo and CM.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. i think i did the right thing.

Yep, you did the right thing. And it's a good thing you have a BS detctor. Many - most? - don't and fall for this crap. Because the next thing is proximity, blow jobs, and a kick to the curb.

A mentor's position is, as has been stated, that of a trusted advisor, someone who shares acquired knowledge. But it is definitely *not* someone who defines sex education as having sexual intercourse with you, or making you serve him, or trying to run your life.

D.

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