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Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 1:10:09 AM

DreamsOfSpider

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Joined: 12/4/2006
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So, came out(ish) to a dear friend today... "ish," because I didn't really talk about what I was specifically interested in. But I said it was something most people would be disturbed by, and he said he wasn't inclined to be disturbed... as long as it wasn't something like... (and there was a long pause here, where I half-expected him to say, in paraphrase, "BDSM") ..."um, I can't think of the word... err, you know, people who like dead people."

So, yeah, maybe we can talk about this stuff. He's the sort of friend I might otherwise talk about my sex life with, so I don't think the conversation would be misplaced. But... sigh. Kink looks pretty damn fucked-up from the outside. Even with me trying to explain it from the inside... I'm afraid all he's going to see is me wanting to do things that hurt me. And be disturbed, despite his good intentions.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's talked to non-kinky folk about their kinks. How did it work out for you?

Post #: 1

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 1:17:26 AM

subswalow

Posts: 25
Joined: 7/14/2008
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Worked great! My friends are all totally open-minded. They don't like talking about anal though. Of all the things we talk about! The one thing they say "icky" to. =P

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 2

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 3:34:44 AM

DreamsOfSpider

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Joined: 12/4/2006
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That's good to hear. :)

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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 3:47:31 AM

Lynnxz

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Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
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I adore my nillar friends. Most of them at least know a bit of what I do, and I've *never* had anyone get in the least bit judgemental, or worried about me- other than the occasional- 'Well you better be safe!' If you aren't sure how they will react, just don't go into too many details. If they ask, give a bit more.

Come on, they're your friends for a reason.

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(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 4

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 3:51:52 AM

zakkan

Posts: 606
Joined: 4/15/2008
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When I talk to my friends, I tend to try and amaze them, so I only give them extreme examples, and watch them go all wide eyed.

E.g. "Do you know some people like to be shit on?" This usually has an interesting effect on people.

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Post #: 5

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 4:31:15 AM

utterlybutterfli

Posts: 49
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

-fast reply-

As someone who is not really 'out' myself I do sympathise with your situation.
However, I think if you feel you can share, you probably can share with this person. They don't sound like they are going to be that easily squicked if their only objection to what you might be trying to tell them is necrophilia.

People are rarely as fascinated by our sex life as we are. I think that despite my belief that some of my kinks are quite.. kinky, a lot of what I do wouldn't raise a great deal more that an eyebrow with a lot of my more intelligent and imaginitive friends. I don't feel overburdened to share with 'nillas though. Its not as if I'm really keen to hear about what they do in bed.

(in reply to zakkan)

Post #: 6

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 4:36:32 AM

simpleplan2

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Joined: 7/5/2008
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I guess it depends upon what you mean by things that hurt you. When I do explain it to people who are curious (not that I often do), I simply explain that it's all about sensations and, for me, that explains it best. Depending upon what you like, you don't have to focus on the pain or hurting aspect of it. You can, instead, focus on the end result. Explaining it in that manner tends to find others more accepting and understanding. At least, that has been my experience.

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 7

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 6:32:48 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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The way I described s & m to my oldest after she started reading Anita Blake novels, was by comparing it to foods. She prefers bland foods; vanilla ice cream over mint chocolate chip, no horseradish, no hot sauce etc. Yet she knows I'm a horseradish fan and her brother has a giant bottle of Frank's Red Hot nearby at mealtime.

It's sensation. There is no right or wrong to sensation when it comes to the sense of touch, any more than there is right or wrong when it comes to sensation in the sense of taste. Just as some people need a heavier sensation at mealtime, others need it during sex. The important thing here is to know what you need and to talk about it beforehand.

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(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 8

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 8:42:44 AM

soul2share

Posts: 7084
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From: somewhere out there.....
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Well, I have a friend with benefits that I have known for almost 15 years. He was a friend long before the benefits kicked in, so we knew each other on a pretty good vanilla basis. Once he started coming over, I used to stash all of my toys so he wouldn't see them....then one day I just decided not to. It took him probably another 6 weeks before he asked me about "those things hanging on the door, and what do you do with them?"

I explained to him about the basics of the D/s, M/s, BDSM lifestyle, and showed him what each implement was and how to use it. The next time he came over, he picked a leather paddle out and spanked me......and found that he rather likes it. I'm not saying he's dominant, but rather more of a top personality. But he is rather curious and open minded about the whole thing, I and actually set up a session with my play partner...he loved that, too! He has tons of questions, mostly about how it effects me, what is the draw for me, how Doms "work", things like that. As far as being judgemental, it's not happened so far, and there's not much that he hasn't asked and I've answered. Again, his curiosity about hte whole subject has sort of surprised me.

I'm not "out" to anyone else, there are NO secrets where I work, so no one else knows about my "other side" than the Dominant folks I have contact with. My personal life is just that, and stays that way. But I know I've made the guys think real hard about whether or not I'm kidding when I make comments about whips and chains!

< Message edited by soul2share -- 9/6/2008 8:43:44 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 8:49:31 AM

Sunnyfey

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Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
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I about as out as you can be without shoving it in peoples faces. Like the bar i go to with my friends, once the drink flows i get all kinds of questions...and none have ever been rude or upset by the things i do or talk about. In fact...I got a few of them introduced to some kinky friends of mine...and well, two are married now so...what can i say, like attracts like, and im betting that friend of your might be a bit kinky in one way or another.

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(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 10

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 10:55:15 AM

Briena

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Joined: 1/20/2007
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If he is as good of a friend as you say, he will not judge you, but rather support you. If he asks you questions, explain it to him in a way that will help him to see the safety in it. Explain about the safety precautions that take place during sessions. Also explain the feelings that you have when it comes to your partner, and the BDSM life. Tell him how you emotionally feel about it. I have never had a friend that I told view me in any type of negative light afterwards. Try to answer his questions to the best of your ability, and if you need help look things up so he can see them for himself. Come on CM and show him peoples pictures, let him see what its all about. Thats what I would do, anyways. Good luck with your friend

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 11

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 11:09:32 AM

baela

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Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline

i often say things that make people think twice, too, and while i'm not out except to pPeople here, my best friend, and my husband, i would love to just be who i am everywhere i go. It would probably make life a lot easier.

It really depends on the person. When i told my husband, he started thinking that i'd become someone totally different over night. Now, most of the time when we talk about it, he thinks our marriage is ending. When i told my best friend, she said she didn't think she'd like it for herself, but she didn't judge me and didn't think our relationship was crashing down around us. She even told me that now that she knew for sure, she'd seen it all along. Encouraged by that, i've started talking about it to my mom, just a little, without using initials, and i think even she'll be okay with it eventually.

Like i said, it really depends.

(in reply to Briena)

Post #: 12

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 9:48:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Since you've already gotten positive feedback, try relating it to stuff most people already enjoy just with a little twist, some spanking during sex, talking dirty, blindfolds. All of that is practically de riguer in mainstream sex these days.

Your positive and happy attitude will carry more weight than anything you say.

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(in reply to baela)

Post #: 13

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/6/2008 10:44:50 PM

DreamsOfSpider

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
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Thank you all for the feedback... I'm very glad to know that most folks have gotten positive (or at least not knee-jerk negative) responses from their non-kinky friends.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 1:16:51 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Same here, came out to some very close friends because we wanted to be ourselves around them (which included hub of the time calling Me Ma'am without panicking!). Explained more of the D/s and psychological aspects, also the benefits of learning to put others needs first, the development of trust at more extreme levels than is typical often in vanilla relationships, the openness of communication and honesty needed to make it work, that sort of thing. Talked less about the whipsandchains side, unless they asked. Then explained that in terms of degrees of sensation and the head space it gives to Dom and sub parties. They asked lots of excellent questions initially, esp covering safety and were clearly reassured when it was obvious we had gone into that very thoroughly. After that, it just wasn't an issue. And it was good to not have to screen what we were saying around them, though we also then didn't go on and on about it. It's also good to develop some real life lifestyle friends with whom you can share the more graphic conversations and compare marks LOL!

OP it sounds like your friend is open and nonjudgemental (and hey, I'd be squicked by necrophilia too! LOL) so sounds like a good candidate. The other thing, is seeking their permission to tell them first ... as in "are you sure you want to know? I value our friendship too highly to destroy it because I want to tell you stuff you'd rather not know about me". If they then say "Do tell" ... it's less likely they'll then drop you like a hot potato! Good luck!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Post #: 15

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 2:10:34 AM

RoseRed81

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/18/2007
Status: offline

Hi A/all
For my first message board thread, this turned out to be a goodun! I am in the same position as the OP - I'm not 'out', except to other people I know have kinks. I'm particularly careful for professional reasons and because in my day to day life I need to command a certain amount of respect. At the same time though, I would desperately love to be able to be completely honest with one or two of my close friends. I have come close a couple of times, but chickened out. So it is good to hear all your positive experiences.
OP, it sounds like you have picked a pretty open-minded friend to talk to - best of luck!!

(in reply to MaamJay)

Post #: 16

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 4:44:40 AM

LATEXBABY64

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i like keeping dirty little secrets it makes for more spice

(in reply to RoseRed81)

Post #: 17

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 7:24:02 AM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

fast reply

I pick and choose the friends I tell and so far I've done good. :-) Then there are others for giggles I tell them the things people CAN be into. My parents even know I'm into BDSM, but for them I explained it more like 1950s household, which I adore, so I didnt lie only told her PART of my kink. ;-)

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 18

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 8:31:05 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamsOfSpider

So, came out(ish) to a dear friend today... "ish," because I didn't really talk about what I was specifically interested in. But I said it was something most people would be disturbed by, and he said he wasn't inclined to be disturbed... as long as it wasn't something like... (and there was a long pause here, where I half-expected him to say, in paraphrase, "BDSM") ..."um, I can't think of the word... err, you know, people who like dead people."

So, yeah, maybe we can talk about this stuff. He's the sort of friend I might otherwise talk about my sex life with, so I don't think the conversation would be misplaced. But... sigh. Kink looks pretty damn fucked-up from the outside. Even with me trying to explain it from the inside... I'm afraid all he's going to see is me wanting to do things that hurt me. And be disturbed, despite his good intentions.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's talked to non-kinky folk about their kinks. How did it work out for you?

For the most part, I don't discuss my 'sex life' with my men friends...married or not. It's a boundary we set up long ago and we're very comfy with. I do discuss my 'sex life' with my girlfriends, most of whom are vanilla, as I have lived a long time and only briefly even known about D/s. I don't get into the 'gorey details', so everyone who believes that grown women give each other blow-by-blow descriptions can exhale now. But they do know I've found D/s.

Reactions have run the full range from 'eeewww' to 'really?' but they all want to be kept apprised, LOL. I am in the strange position of being a 'trailblazer' among a group of women who generally considered me a bit lagging, LOL.

It's an interesting interaction...but they have all asked; I have not foisted it on them. Some ask more frequently than others, and to them I give more information. I let them set the pace.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 9/7/2008 8:33:31 AM >

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 19

RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 9/7/2008 8:49:44 AM

bipolarber

Posts: 2792
Joined: 9/25/2004
Status: offline

Funny you should bring this up.... we had a local munch a few weeks ago, and it turned out a young guy who was totally, achingly, vanilla had "invited himself along" to sit in on our conversation. (Actually, he was semi stalking one of the girls in the group.) So, I tried to talk with this fundie dude, and he quickly began to tell me that he "was totally open to how other people lived their lives."

Well, over the course of the next couple of hours, we pretty much found out how "open minded" he really was. As we talked about some of our various experiences, I could see our interloper was growing more and more pale.

By the time we reached pony play, and some play needle work, he had had enough, it seemed. We had all decided to continue the conversation by taking a walk around a local park, and the young man quickly begged off and went home.

I guess there are different levels of acceptance, based on how detailed you get with your narrative. LOL

For the most part, I try to be honest with people. I don't go running around telling everyone what I'm into, unless they ask me first, and I think they are able to respect and understand the truth. Like the OP, I try to have at least one or two friends in my life with whom I can talk about my sex life with... It's cheaper than therapy, and gives us both a good reason to meet for drinks.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 20

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