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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/4/2009 6:32:17 PM   
parakeet89


Posts: 94
Joined: 12/8/2008
Status: offline 		One time one of my friends asked me about my wildest sexual fantasy. She said hers was having sex outside, and after awhile I said mine related to "rope and chains and those other things we were joking about earlier." She laughed and said, "bit of a dominatrix, are we?" and I replied, "no, try the other side of the coin" and she widened her eyes and made a jokey 'oooooh!' sound and then we watched Good Luck Chuck.

So, she didn't care. There are things she would care about though, like my preference for men much older than me. She's ranted about big age differences in relationships before.. 8 years is too much in her opinion, so you know.

I have a couple of friends who wouldn't care about either aspect if I told them, but unless they ask, they won't hear anything. I also have friends whose jaws would drop on the floor if I told them about any part of this, so I wouldn't tell them anything. As long as you know the person well and know their personality, it shouldn't be much of a problem.

< Message edited by parakeet89 -- 1/4/2009 6:33:07 PM >

(in reply to greeneyedreamer)
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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/4/2009 6:34:19 PM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		I have had reactions go in both directions.
I do have at least one friend who had been close with me for 10+ years who will not speak to me anymore because I am a "sick pervert" after she asked me what BDSM was. In all fairness, she brought it up after seeing the movie Quills with a friend. She asked me if that was real, or if it was just a porn thing and so I explained things to her. I dont mind having lost her for it, anyone that knee jerk judgemental of me was never a good friend to begin with I suppose.

Most of the others have taken it positively, or at least they accept it without a negative response. I have gotten everything from "thats nice" to "oh, you have a real tranvestite serving you? Can I meet him...her... what do you call Chris anyway?"

Always gauge what they can and cant handle, and go at it with the appropriate amount of humor and seriousness. The reaction will also be greatly based on whether you come across as knowing you have done something wrong and wanting them to be ok with it, versus it simply being part of what you are and do and wanting them to know about it.

DV


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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/4/2009 6:42:24 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Every one who knows us knows who and what we are as in our Lifestyle, Kinks and Pagan beliefs. I've only had to explain gently to my Father and Mother in law that yes it is true we deal with slaves, consensual slaves. They, like a minority of people we know and associate with prefer to pretend they don't know but if they meet someone we have (when we have one or three), they treat them like members of our family and do play the "game" of "allowing" themselves to be addressed as either Mr. and Mrs. or Master and Mistress (this is the slaves choice I give them). Most people either take no notice or don’t mention it or they ask questions. Even my very correct (not politically so), brother was taken aback when he saw first hand a slave of ours at the time serving, addressing us as master and Mistress and always kneeling at my feet. So much as he has developed sufficient interest to want to learn more….

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Master of Bruin Cottage

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)
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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/4/2009 6:48:43 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DreamsOfSpider

So, came out(ish) to a dear friend today... "ish," because I didn't really talk about what I was specifically interested in. But I said it was something most people would be disturbed by, and he said he wasn't inclined to be disturbed... as long as it wasn't something like... (and there was a long pause here, where I half-expected him to say, in paraphrase, "BDSM") ..."um, I can't think of the word... err, you know, people who like dead people."

So, yeah, maybe we can talk about this stuff. He's the sort of friend I might otherwise talk about my sex life with, so I don't think the conversation would be misplaced. But... sigh. Kink looks pretty damn fucked-up from the outside. Even with me trying to explain it from the inside... I'm afraid all he's going to see is me wanting to do things that hurt me. And be disturbed, despite his good intentions.

I'd love to hear from anyone who's talked to non-kinky folk about their kinks. How did it work out for you?



I had a similar conversation with my best friend the other night. Same thing, no specifics, he response was 'no biggie, just as long as you're not gay or it involves animals.'

I know there are a ton of my friends I could not even come close to talking about this stuff with, and others that I can. It's just a matter of knowing your audience.

Of course now I've opened myself up to cracks like this:

Me: Man, Mary McCormack is so freaking hot.
Him; No doubt, too bad she's probably not into that kink.com shit.
Me: Go f yourself.


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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/4/2009 7:02:24 PM   
ChainGoddess


Posts: 731
Joined: 9/27/2008
From: Ireland
Status: offline 		Some of our closest friends know a lot about our lifestyle.   Though when you visit our home,  it  is difficult not to notice the chains hanging from the ceiling.   We don't have kids,  so most of the time , we may have very obvious signs of our lifestyle  around the house.
If  visitors don't ask,  I don't feel the need to explain.
Though I still smile at the memory of the guy who came to repair our cable tv and had to move the stocks out of the way.  His face was a picture.

I may not lead my beloved boy around on a leash in public,  but I am very proud of the life that we live.


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(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)
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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/5/2009 1:48:31 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		Trust is mutual. IF you don't tell your close friends things...they won't tell you.
I told my best friend what/who I am..and discovered way worse things about him..lol

(in reply to ChainGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/5/2009 1:51:27 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		You make a jolly good point mate. Those who are my close friends I have few secrets. I have found that those who you can trust wikth your life and the lives of your family usually tends to create a bonding which harbours few secrets. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/5/2009 2:56:34 AM   
shadowhound


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/16/2008
Status: offline 		The stongest reaction I got was from my best frend asking why I would lower myself or lower someone else to be less then human.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/5/2009 2:57:59 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shadowhound

The stongest reaction I got was from my best frend asking why I would lower myself or lower someone else to be less then human.


how did you respond?

(in reply to shadowhound)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 6:30:12 AM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		i am interested to know the answer to that one too.... i have had a friend with exactly the same reaction.  We no longer speak; their choice not mine, but i don't miss their "friendship"

gabrielle x

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D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to JustDarkness)
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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 6:35:52 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: parakeet89

 then we watched Good Luck Chuck.



I totally love that film. To Op I have always been the 'weird' one, Ive never had much of a problem talking about sex etc with well anyone who will listen to be honest. Sure some people have made nasty comments to me, including one of my family members but generally people dont seem to mind. Most are in fact curious "oh are you meeting your funny group tonight, can I come" has been rather regularly said to me. There is of course a time and a place, its not something I talk about at work or anything but I figure most people get that there is 'something about me'

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(in reply to parakeet89)
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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 6:48:40 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		Most of my non-kinky friends understand blindfolds and fuzzy handcuffs, so that's what I use to try and break in the conversation with. A few of them even understand that pain thing for me, so those folks get the more explicit details. But for the most part, while they don't always understand it (the first time I posted in my blog about subdrop, I mostly got replies that talked about how sorry they were that I had an awful experience, when in fact, it had been a very GOOD experience - just really, really EMOTIONAL), they do not judge it.

It's difficult to find ways to educate people outside of directing them to various websites. While most people really do understand blindfolds and fuzzy handcuffs, I figure that when it comes to the sado/masochist part of BDSM, they either understand or they don't. And that's okay. If they ask questions, I do my best to answer them - otherwise, it's not a big deal if they don't quite get it, because it's my life, not theirs. As long as they trust me to be safe (and after all, what are friends for if not to trust you?).


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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 7:10:37 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Trust is mutual. IF you don't tell your close friends things...they won't tell you.
I told my best friend what/who I am..and discovered way worse things about him..lol


This, I've found is very true. The fact that I've been incredibly open with my sprogs and others has created an environment where they can be open with me. I can't say I planned it, as such, but that's how it's worked.

Amusingly, my daughter flung herself on my bed recently and asked me to *Have a bash, let's see what it's like* after seeing a flogger in my room. It didn't escape me that it was a pretty hilarious situation to be flogging my daughter.

agirl

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 10:13:24 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I'm pretty out with just about all of my friends; I insist on being unabashedly me.  :>  Some people will focus on the nuts n bolts stuff, some will get wound up in the taboo, some will actually delve into the relational aspects; just a matter of processing and people who know me tend to know me as rather sex-positive, so articulating what I think is cool about a thing sometimes helps a person to move beyond a cursory awareness of an act into a more depthful understanding. 
  Davan

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(in reply to bipolarber)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/6/2009 10:42:34 AM   
Dewolfsslave


Posts: 31
Status: offline 		Most of my close friends are pretty open minded - we wouldn't have stayed friends long otherwise - so they know. Come to think of it, most of my friends are at least a bit kinky themselves. People I'm less close to, I tend to joke about kink with, if the subject comes up, with the result that most of them are never sure whether I'm serious or not. If they then decide to ask, I'll tell them the truth, or as much as I think they can handle. Or not, depending on what I know of the person and how they've reacted to the joking around. My family don't know. It's not as though I've gone out of my way to hide anything, just that unless I've totally misjudged them, I feel they wouldn't understand.

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/9/2009 8:15:51 PM   
Decadentpleasure


Posts: 52
Joined: 9/24/2005
Status: offline 		For the most part, my friends have always known i was a lil 'off' or 'slightly bent'..(their words..lol)..but whenever any of them asked me a specific question pertaining to my lifestyle (like my silver screwdown collar, thigh branding, etc.) i've always been very thankful that they decided to ask me instead of formulating their own answers.  Whenever i'm asked, i would tell them the truth.  Granted i don't go into great detail, but i tell them.

There are however situations that require creative answers. 

For instance..i'm at Home Depot picking up stainless steel finishing nails, a  2 foot length of board, and C-clamps.  On the way towards the register, i'm greeted by some friends who ask about my purchases. i simply tell them ''i'm getting my breasts nailed..woohoo!''  They didn't bat an eye and said have fun.  Right after paying for my items, i'm greeted by my parents in the parking lot who asked me what i bought.  i told them, 'shelving for some jugs.'   (Even though my parents know of my lifestyle and have for quite some time, thats a line i don't cross when it comes to sharing.) 

 

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RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/9/2009 11:13:42 PM   
newone11


Posts: 75
Joined: 6/8/2008
Status: offline 		I'm 'out' to two friends. 

One likes to make jokes about me getting beat.  It's a little odd since we've never actually talked about the specifics of it all.  He likes to threaten to 'turn me in' if I say something he doesnt like. :)  This friend and I  have an unspoken agreement that we don't judge each other when it comes to our personal lives.  It works for us. 

The other, one of my very closest friends, was initially concerned that our D/s dynamic was abusive since to her way of thinking all BDSM is abusive.  But I'm happy to say that after she met him and go to know him better that her concerns have gone away completely.  She still doesn't 'get it' but no longer thinks that BDSM is inheriently abusive so that's good thing.  It's clear to her that he loves me, I love him and we are both very happy together.   We don't have an particularly obvious dynamic so we look like any other couple.  I probably seem just a little more doting than folks might expect.  My jaw did drop when he made a joke in front of her about me obeying him...totally out of character for him which made it all the more funny.

They know only because when I decided that I wanted to explore BDSM we discussed it.  Am I a freak...do you think I'm a freak...OMG what if HE'S the freak, etc.  The first was completely supportive of my exploration and just said be careful.  The second was a lot more hestiant and didn't get it at all.  She did make a very clear effort to try her best to be nonjudgemental about it.  Some days she was more successful than others!

As to the rest of my friends and family...they know he's rather old-fashioned and traditional.  And that's really all they need to know.

(in reply to Decadentpleasure)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/10/2009 7:00:41 AM   
DaddyOfBorg


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		I am very close to my family and friends.  I learned something long ago though:

Your need to tell people should be balanced against their relationship with you.

The more that you tell people about your innermost thoughts, fantasies, etc., the more you risk damaging that relationship.  And even relationships which are not damaged will be changed.  And that dynamic depends on the relationship and all of the life experiences of the person learning your "secret" so there is no way to predict the outcome. 

My closest lifelong friends, and most of my family know a little bit about my bdsm side.  I mean I keep a bullwhip on my wall!  But they don't know details, and they will ever know about the ageplay side of it.

(in reply to newone11)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/10/2009 7:04:18 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		I live in California. Difficult to shock people out here.

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Talking about kink with open-minded vanillas - 1/10/2009 7:06:45 AM   
T1981


Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Manawyddan

I live in California. Difficult to shock people out here.


We live in Kansas. We have the exact opposite problem!

< Message edited by T1981 -- 1/10/2009 7:07:11 AM >

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