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RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:24:53 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		I think in theory you are right on many levels. And I think for many things it is right. If you want the job of your dreams and you go out and pursue it and work hard for it...you'll most likely get it.

But here's the thing...

My life experience has proven this theory wrong, at least for me in the areas of love. When I was dating in my early 20's and could never find just the right guy and was just through with it - BAM! Thats when I met my husband. My mindset was over at the time. I was not hopeful. I was not romantic. I was downtrodden. Similar to how I feel now. But when I met him, we fell deeply in love.

I have met a handful of submissive men who I wanted to make an emotional connection with and made the effort but they got scared and pulled away. They wanted to be objectified and abused and humiliated ONLY. I feel like in our scene, if you have a healthy emotional state you won't find anyone. I feel like there are so many people who just want someone else to reinforce their own negative self esteem. I try so hard to be a healthy well adjusted human being. And I do not think that inherently BDSM has to be "bad" or negative. Why can't men get just as much of a kick from serving out of love then serving out of low self esteem?

I don't get it.

MS

(in reply to tornaway)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:26:44 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: E2Sweet

Wow, all I can really say is that I did read though your profile and journal entries, and I see nothing in there that reflects the wants and desires stated in your OP... The general vibe of your profile actually paints quite the opposite picture in terms of what it seems you're looking for.


I agree with this. Your profile comes off as looking for a service sub only. If you put some of the things from your top post on this thread into your profile, I think you'd have better luck with the kind of men who approach you.

(in reply to E2Sweet)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:29:11 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		SS - you have a rather lengthy email from me on the other side, but in case any other readers are interested in my abbreviated take on this issue, bailing out comes down to, in most cases, fear.  What form that fear takes will vary.

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:39:58 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		And My reply to E2 was that yes, my profile now is very service oriented. but once upon a time it was not.

Experience has changed that. And me.

MS

(in reply to subexploring)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:44:45 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		When I first met my current pet, I wasn't looking for a romance, or even love.  I told him that up front and was honest.  It is a bit over a year later and I am ready to start a dynamic that includes love and romance, but he and I are not suited for each other at that level.  He is  also about ready for a romantic relationship though and we have been supporting each other in our respective searches.  He is looking for a submissive or switch partner though as his time as a submissive/slave/pet has taught him enough of the "other side" and he is almost ready to be the top again.

Lady Jag

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:52:49 PM   
E2Sweet


Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata

...Now, My profile does only read about service. But it has not always been that way. It used to read about finding a partner, and my philosophy about D/s based on love and chivalry. But after being burned and being told that subs just couldn't serve me because I was too nice to them time after time after time...well, you know what - I will now change to just suit the general needs I need done. I have lost hope for finding a partner. I doubt it will happen...


Ahh, I do see what you're saying. I was just a bit confused that the OP was so different than the tone of your profile.

Personally, I find I gravitate toward those females who can drop the Mistress Mandy persona and are quite comfortable being exactly who they really are, frailties and imperfections included. Don't tell anyone I mentioned this (...I do have a reputation to maintain...), but I have frailties and imperfections myself, so I could definitely identify, and I'd prefer to spend my time connecting with a real person, as opposed to oogling a cliche. I know there are others here who basically would agree.

One thing I have learned from this experience so far is that: as rediculously easy as it is to find another human to get one's kink on, it seems it truly is difficult to find a good match.

Perhaps one day you'll re-consider searching out a partner. Regardless of what it is you do seek, I do wish ya all the best.


_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 3:56:42 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

I had a very promising potential relationship, but the person in question bailed out on me five days before he was due to arrive, even after having paid for his flight from 6,000 miles away.  He's now asked for time to think, to which I've agreed.  That happened just over two weeks ago.  In the meantime, I've been in contact with other men and am pleased to say that there are still potentially great connections out there, even considering how very narrow my requirements are.  Give up hope of a loving, D/s relationship?  It'll take a lot more than a few setbacks to get me to change my mind.  If you want something badly enough, you'll stick with it.


Hey, you never sent me a plane ticket. I would have been there in a second. (looks for nearest connecting flight) Oh, I'm already there.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:01:25 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

I had a very promising potential relationship, but the person in question bailed out on me five days before he was due to arrive, even after having paid for his flight from 6,000 miles away.  He's now asked for time to think, to which I've agreed.  That happened just over two weeks ago.  In the meantime, I've been in contact with other men and am pleased to say that there are still potentially great connections out there, even considering how very narrow my requirements are.  Give up hope of a loving, D/s relationship?  It'll take a lot more than a few setbacks to get me to change my mind.  If you want something badly enough, you'll stick with it.


Hey, you never sent me a plane ticket. I would have been there in a second. (looks for nearest connecting flight) Oh, I'm already there.



Oh, come off it.  You know me better than that.  I wouldn't pay for a plane ticket for someone from London when I can have you for much less.   

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:02:00 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata

I think in theory you are right on many levels. And I think for many things it is right. If you want the job of your dreams and you go out and pursue it and work hard for it...you'll most likely get it.

But here's the thing...

My life experience has proven this theory wrong, at least for me in the areas of love. When I was dating in my early 20's and could never find just the right guy and was just through with it - BAM! Thats when I met my husband. My mindset was over at the time. I was not hopeful. I was not romantic. I was downtrodden. Similar to how I feel now. But when I met him, we fell deeply in love.

I have met a handful of submissive men who I wanted to make an emotional connection with and made the effort but they got scared and pulled away. They wanted to be objectified and abused and humiliated ONLY. I feel like in our scene, if you have a healthy emotional state you won't find anyone. I feel like there are so many people who just want someone else to reinforce their own negative self esteem. I try so hard to be a healthy well adjusted human being. And I do not think that inherently BDSM has to be "bad" or negative. Why can't men get just as much of a kick from serving out of love then serving out of low self esteem?

I don't get it.

MS



I know this sounds like a cop out response, but you've just been unlucky in finding the right person. Submissives like this DO exist. Believe me. I know this. You just have to find a way to machete your way through the many more that are only interested in fulfilling their immediate fantasies first and those who promise to be this but really are just those only interested in fulfilling their immediate fantasies first. I know that when I was first "found" it was by a professional dominant who had pretty much given up on finding someone, and even when she took me as her houseboy in the beginning, that was a year or so of still not believing that I might not be sincere. It took a lot of time and dedication, and I saw a lot of other "potentials" fall by the wayside during this process with other women who were close to her (and even to her). But eventually that person manages to prove himself/herself worthy and then you've found the right one.

Nothing one seeks for a greater good is ever easily achieved. And it's the few that were that make it so much more frustrating for the ones who are out there still seeking.

Anyway, just a thought....


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:02:11 PM   
subexploring


Posts: 103
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		Second to what E2 said. Sorry, I didn't see your explanation above.

I'm a malesub and love and kindness are essential to me in relationships. So we are out there. I don't answer domme profiles that don't seem aimed at a committed relationship, and don't seem to desire mutual respect and affection between the domme and sub.

In fact, I think love deepens submission. I've felt more submissive with vanilla women I was in love with than I have when playing with domme women I wasn't really attracted to. I think I have a journal entry where I comment that love is the ultimate form of losing control. Nothing makes you more willing to genuinely give over control to another person than falling in love with them.(Unless you're scared and try to fight it...which of course happens quite a lot).

(in reply to E2Sweet)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:09:28 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata
a Domme who will be the untouchable Goddess, one who will be humiliating, non-loving and who will objectify them.


I think I will pretend to be a woman on here for awhile so I can get a break from the Femsubs who want a kind, mean, reasonable, unyielding, understanding, strict, strong and impervious, soft and vulnerable Male dominant who takes what he wants while endlessly spoiling his submissive with everything she wants.

Sounds refreshing.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:13:03 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

I had a very promising potential relationship, but the person in question bailed out on me five days before he was due to arrive, even after having paid for his flight from 6,000 miles away.  He's now asked for time to think, to which I've agreed.  That happened just over two weeks ago.  In the meantime, I've been in contact with other men and am pleased to say that there are still potentially great connections out there, even considering how very narrow my requirements are.  Give up hope of a loving, D/s relationship?  It'll take a lot more than a few setbacks to get me to change my mind.  If you want something badly enough, you'll stick with it.


Hey, you never sent me a plane ticket. I would have been there in a second. (looks for nearest connecting flight) Oh, I'm already there.



Oh, come off it.  You know me better than that.  I wouldn't pay for a plane ticket for someone from London when I can have you for much less.   


How about a BART ticket and a snow cone at the Powell Street station?


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to Venatrix)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:16:25 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		I actually think that Male Dom and femsub relationships are healthier.

I have had quite a few friends in the scene that were lifestyle MaleDom/femsub and they were happy, healthy, sane, in love, kinky. The femsubs didn't yearn to be humiliated or degraded and didn't put the male Doms up on this fetishistic pedastal that he had to fulfill and if he didn't fulfill...well, it just wasn't fun for her anymore. They were in it for the long - a relationship.

Maybe its just no different than in the vanilla dating world. Maybe in both men just want to get a piece of ass and want to avoid commitment. Albeit in this world getting a piece of ass would mean some kind of service or humiliation but its still the same concept - its self gratification only.

MS

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:24:07 PM   
Venatrix


Posts: 2238
Joined: 11/28/2007
Status: offline 		As it's you we're talking about, I hadn't planned to spend that much. 

In any case, I hope Scarlett will forgive us for hijacking her thread.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:26:18 PM   
TheLadyConstance


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline 		I've been with my sub for over 8 years.  He's my slave, my houseboy, my chef, my confidant, my lover, and my absolute best friend.  He worships the ground I walk on, but is certainly his own person.  Neither of us were big into BDSM when we met, but from day one I was certainly the dominant partner in our relationship.

I agree with the poster who said that if you're looking too hard, you'll never find what you're looking for.  Relax.  Go meet some men outside the BDSM community.  You'll get there... don't fret!

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:28:30 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

I have been reading and laughing at this thread for a while and just have to pipe up.

What is with this "woe me emo emo emo emo" smell in the air, geez. Your profile is NOTHING but "serve me, do this for me, do that for me" but yet you come here and complain how no subs contact you that are looking for more than that. Yes, you said how it "used to be normal" but you gave up. So if you gave up and made a profile that attracts wankers why the hell are you posting now complaining about said men? If you REALLY want something you keep looking for it. It may take days, months or even years to find the right person but giving up and giving into the wankers doesn't help.

And as for this glorification of male dom/female sub relationships, it's bullshit. There are plenty of women out there who just want to be used and abused and put their owner on some higher ground. Seen plenty of posts how they "worship his penis" and how it's "the very being of his maniless" and blah blah. And then there are the many other relationships that the owner is just a jerk (imo) and treats the chick just like a slave, no love no nothing. And she likes it and yearns for it, same like male subs do. I may not be "well versed" in the "BDSM community" but I know enough about humanity that generalizations are usually bullshit. Like "all men are dogs" or "all lesbians hate men" etc etc.

To sum it up: Everyone is different. Things take time. If you actually want something, put the effort into it (ie, make a profile that makes it seem like you want commitment and not a mantool to do shit you're too lazy to do. And actually respond to men's profiles instead of waiting for Prince Charming to land on your lap.)

< Message edited by Usako -- 9/7/2008 4:30:53 PM >

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:34:07 PM   
CdnExplorer


Posts: 227
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		There definitely are Fem Dom / male sub relationships that are romantic and quite healthy. I'm friends with one couple who have that dynamic. She doesn't do the cliche on a pedestal thing, and takes herself seriously only unil she can't help any longer but to break out in a fit of laughter. They're also married and have kids.

There are a lot of subs like that; I'm one of them. I simply don't look online because of the femdom profiles that are out there. It's very difficult to find one that doesn't read like a kink cliche. I've gotten close to a couple of local fem doms, but that was through meeting them in person first. Later on when I read their profiles I knew I would never have contacted them. It's a huge disconnect that, as a submissive, I find really discouraging. Want I want is out there but it remains hidden because most people accept the cliche of male submission.

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:35:29 PM   
OneMoreWaste


Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScarlettStangata
I read your profile. It is exactly the kind of thing that I think that most submissive men want.


Hm, I suspect you didn't read it very thoroughly then. If it's anyone's fantasy life, they're welcome to it.

Without seeing your old profile, it's hard to say why you got that kind of response. Although it's been pointed out that your profile only seeks a service sub, it's also very I AM GODDESS. If that always comes through when you write, then you're going to attract people who want a one-dimensional encounter.

(in reply to ScarlettStangata)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:37:15 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		Go ahead and laugh. I really don't give a shit. The funny thing is half the people who contact me don't even bother to read my profile. They just contact me because it says "female Dominant" and because I happen to be online at that time.

And anyways, I am entitled to my feelings so fuck you very much. I just got rejected yet again by a sub who one day claimed he loved me and the next day was heading out the door. So, I know I'll get over it but I think I am entitled to bitch about it a little.

MS

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: FemDome Relationships Vs. Male Dom relationships - 9/7/2008 4:48:45 PM   
ScarlettStangata


Posts: 27
Joined: 6/5/2007
Status: offline 		You are totally entitled to your opinion but I just re-read my profile just to jog my memory of what actually is on there and I gotta disagree with you. I don't see anything on there that screams "I am Goddess - worship me worms!!!". It is very service oriented yes. But I don't talk about how great I am or even my philosphy on D/s. I simply state I would like a slave to alleviate me from mundane chores and to make new friends. How does that scream Goddess? My journal entries reflect specific things I need done because specificity makes it easier for subs to serve in my opinion. They know exactly what I want and if they are willing and able to do it. I have had a LOT of success with this method.

MS

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)
Profile   Post #: 40
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