|
LadyHibiscus -> RE: So what's wrong with playing to one's strengths (or weaknesses)? (9/25/2008 9:11:12 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste
quote:
ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW
If so, I wonder if it is possible that this actual or perceived gender difference may be the reason we also haven't heard much from the male s-types where this thread is concerned.
Calla Firestorm
Well, in fairness, I don't think male subs are an especially chatty demographic when it comes to feelings/philosophy/etc. But you add that to stigma from society at large, stigma from the BDSM community in general, stigma from Female Dominants in particular, and no real prurient value to the topic... Most folk with sense are gonna lay low.
Thought you'd never ask! :) OneMoreWaste, you really need to take a step back and get to know folks around here. Once you've spent time on the Ask A Mistress forum, you'll see which men love to talk. (try to get mine to shut up...) You might want to engage a few of them in conversation, and see what happens.
First, I want to say that I am in full agreement that we should go for our strengths--and weaknesses, if that is how they are seen. We are in this arena to enhance our lives, and to live fully. How can we do that by trying to be something alien to ourselves? I am one of those people who doesn't have a submissive bone in her body. As the daughter of an ethnic household, I was RAISED to serve, and I continue to do so--but I have no clue how to submit. It's an entirely different mindset, one that I am learning about from my submissive friends. I have tremendous respect and admiration for beth, and thank her for her insightful sharing. Daddys prop, I have only read some of your posting, and I am impressed by your clear understanding of where you are. Could I live as either of those women? Never. Nor would I choose them to serve me, because they are not suited to MY needs.
***Bear in mind that as I speak, it is from the viewpoint of a female dominant who has been out and about in the scene since Before Teh Internets. I have been a group organizer, community educator, DM'd, been a pro dominant, the whole nine yards. In other words, I have met many people from around the country, and done a lot of things. My opinions are MY OWN, but they are based in much life experience. I am the last person to wave the Twue Way flag, and if I seem to be making generalizations, it's because I am! YMMV
Is there a stigma against male submissives and female dominants in the scene? Yes and no. Easy answer, right? Truly, I have never seen any "no femdoms allowed" sign on a door, and I don't recall anyone dissing me to my face. Still, I have stayed away from events because the atmosphere was just not welcoming, and Club FEM was started for a reason. A spanking club I used to participate in actually banned females topping males in the public play area! Why? Because the male tops were made uncomfortable! How much more difficult it must be for the male bottoms and submissives to go out into a potentially hostile scene! We're supposed to be welcoming and nice in theory, but we know it's not true. Gender roles are very strongly ingrained all over the world, and anyone who thinks that folk enter WIIWD free of prejudice are dreaming.
Is there a stigma against male submissives in the world at large? I'm not sure how there can be, if we are using the scene definition of submission. Does the western world reward self-starters? In theory, yes. Our media will tell you that the person who gets up early and stays late gets the blackberry and the corner office. Still, I do not believe that to be true in the greater world. How many corner offices are there? Where would an army be without its grunts? The fact is that we need our support staffs. We need people to just fucking FOLLOW DIRECTIONS and get the job done, regardless of gender. Madison Avenue makes leadership look glam, but the majority of the world will never get there, and really doesn't want to. Placed in a support job, how would anyone know that a person was "submissive"? If they were following through, wouldn't it just seem that they were good at their job? Or are submissives little Walter Mittys everywhere they go, eyes to the floor? That seems like as bad a stereotype as any.
Now, for female dominants and what they want. Yes, it's generalization time! I've had people serve me in various capacities over the years. If I want a *servant*, my requirements are going to be the same, regardless of gender. I do not care who sets my appointments, runs errands, or laces my corset, as long as they do it properly. If I want a personal submissive, or (heaven forfend) a life partner, my needs as a mostly het female are different.
Female dominants are human beings. That would seem straightforward, wouldn't it? No female submissive would approach a male dominant as if he were some kind of commodity provider, right? :) Still, I will venture to say that most males approach femdoms as fancy fantasy machines. This is not appealing behaviour. It is very very difficult to feel kindly toward the men that ARE genuine when there is so much dross to filter through. I am sorry that I had to pitch my own profile with a series of I AM NOT statements in order to limit the barrage of mail from wankers. Do male dominants have this problem? Are the ladies out there sending mail saying "I like oral worship" to random strangers? I am thinking the answer is no. I don't offer this as a litany of complaint, just as an example of how male submissives really have to work to get noticed, and prove that they are not simply out to have their fetish itches scratched.
Do femdoms want CEO's? This one does not. While I would like someone gainfully employed, an executive type is spending too much time at work to suck up to ME, and isn't that his real job? :) Truly, why are women stuck with this stereotype that we are greedy bitches who want to crush The Man under our stilettos? Who thought that up, anyway? I am betting it's some CEO's fantasy. A dominant of any gender wants a person who is compatible and does their job. I admit freely that I do not do well with passive people. I need someone assertive who speaks up, and doesn't need detailed directions. That does not mean that I don't want to be the one making decisions, it means that when I say, "I need X done this weekend" I mean just that, and I don't want to have to offer up a timetable. One of my friends is just the opposite. Women have a range of personalities, just as men do, and in theory they should be able to match up.
I have noticed one glaring difference in maledom relationships v. femdom ones. Male led relationships often take on aspects of the parent/child dynamic. How many women out there call their tops "Daddy"? How often does a male sub refer to his "Mama"? Men seem to enjoy the parental role, because of the authority aspect, of course, but also because it allows them to be nurturing. It's easy to be a passive personality when you are the junior, the one taken care of. How many women want to take on an adult child? How many VANILLA women describe their mates as the "grown up child"? By and large, women don't want to take on an extra large child. Women do not want to have to think for someone who should be able to on his own. We have plenty of stress all on our own, thanks! This, I think, is the glaring difference that shows why passive personalities have trouble finding appropriate female dominants. Traditionally, women pick up the slack. A female dominant wants to be SERVED, she does not want to have to be an auxiliary brain.
I have to go do other stuff, but I am sure I have offered up enough hijack for thought for now. Thx for listening!
|
|
|
|
