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shymetalsub -> RE: The most subtle misconception about female dominants (9/30/2008 12:28:19 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Everyone knows the most obvious misconceptions about femdoms - like they all hate men, or they dominate based on revenge issues or whatnot.
But there's a more subtle misconception that comes from unrealistic femdom porn and is reinforced by male fantasy, and I think it's just as damaging because it's not as obvious.
I think it's the perception that dominant women dominate indiscriminately, or they get their satisfaction and pleasure purely from the act, not really the connection with the man. As a result, a submissive man just merely must make contact with a dominant woman and state his availability, and she'll surely be interested in having her way with him, because not all men are willing to submit.
The perception is that it is easier to find, connect, court a dominant woman than a vanilla woman - because she's going to be the one in charge. She's the dominant, after all. Once again, if a submissive makes contact and she's even remotely interested, she'll begin the pursuit, and his job is to simply surrender to her advances.
I think this perception is what attracts many submissive men, because they want to be freed from the pressure of the pursuit - the couting, dating, initiating first kisses, saying the right thing, making sexual advances. The fantasy is very attractive: after all, dominant women take charge - so once her "femdom radar" tells her he is submissive, he's going to be pursued.
The reality, as we ladies know, is that we are probably just as hard if not harder to court than a "vanilla" woman. We want all the things a vanilla woman wants (connection, empathy, mutual interests, passion, sexual chemistry) PLUS an additional connection based on BDSM desires.
I'm not the only femdom, I'm sure, who has men coming to her and simply stating his availability, and wondering why I am not pursuing him. And then when I state I must be attracted to a man to want to dominate him, he asks me what I want to know about him - again, essentially just waiting for me to do the work of courting, for me to pursue him aggressively simply because he's willing to submit. He, and the 45 guys behind him.
It's a more subtle misconception than, "Dominant women do NOT hate all men," but it's there; it's the idea that dominant women pursue aggressively before there's any real chemistry, and there is no expectation for the man to initiate, court, pursue, flirt, or romance. I'm the first to admit that I am very predatory, and I LOVE to be the one to pursue - however, it's after there's chemistry, not merely availability.
This perception cannot be blamed on male porn entirely, but maybe to some degree. My question is this: How many submissive men would still be interested in the idea of BDSM if they knew that it's just as difficult, if not more, to court and romance a woman who will dominate him? How many would fail this simple "True or False" test:
True or False:
Dominant women prefer to be in charge, so once they know you are a potential submissive for them, they will make all the advances and your role is to be obedient and follow her lead. They will determine if they are interested.
Dominant women are easier to date because they are in charge. You just need to know how to follow instructions.
Dominant women have many options for partners, including introducing vanilla boyfriends to S&M; that said, submissive men need to be courting them just as aggressively as vanilla men.
Akasha
I don't think that this misconception is very prevalent at all. For some reason, there does seem to be an infinitely vast pool of socially and intellectually inept male submissives who waddle about helplessly on sites like this. They create profiles that aren't really profiles at all, but rather big heaps of fetishes, sexual desires, etc., they seem to have no real interests outside of BDSM, and they approach women with pathetic grammar and nothing to say. These poor folks probably DO possess the general misconception you're reffering to, but it seems that they're the only ones. I doubt that any (even slightly) experienced and interesting subs out there are actually gonna lie back and wait for a dominant to hunt them down. We know it's a war zone out there, we know we have to do (at absolute least) half the work in terms of courting and romancing.
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