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pixelslave -> RE: The most subtle misconception about female dominants (10/3/2008 7:13:51 AM)
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ORIGINAL: AAkasha
quote:
ORIGINAL: pixelslave
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ORIGINAL: undergroundsea
In my opinion, it is comparatively harder to court a domme for sake of ratios, for sake of lesser odds for compatibility due to a limited pool, and for any ambivalence that might arise about how to behave.
I agree with you Sea.
Courting a Domme is far more difficult than courting a vanilla woman. Every Domme I've known seems to send different signals and expectations. As a submissive, one never knows whether to be forward or not, whether to wait for the Domme to signal something, or where the boundaries with her will lay. There's always the problem of establishing a friendship and romance with her while at the same time knowing at some point things will eventually move into a D/s dynamic that will involve a power exchange of some kind as well. Until we talk about that, it's always an unknown as to what a domme's expectations are in the mean time! [8|]
So who's in-control of the situation in the interim? What's acceptable behavior? Will my advances be rebuked as being too forward or too agressive for a man who is a submissive; particularly one who'd like to be submissive to her? It often feels like a no-win situation on this side of the kneel when beginning a new relationship when boundaries or guidelines haven't been established as to how both would like to see the relationship develop! [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image]
Ladies, believe me when I say, it's not easy for a submissive male to pursue you! There are landmines and pitfalls waiting everywhere for us to trip on or fall in! This is when honesty and forthrightness are greatly appreciated. It's when genuine interests in one another need to be expressed if there's any chance of a successful match! [&:]
- pixel
Lady Pact's bleaux,
...still under consideration & vice versa [;)]
How about being yourself and not compromising your own values, and knowing that a woman with the appropriate level of class and intelligence will respond in kind? Why do submissive men feel the need to put on a certain act in order to get their foot in the door, rather than just being the exact way they would treat a vanilla woman in an initial encounter?
I can't speak for other submissive men Akasha, but personally, I don't feel the need to put on an act and be anyone other than myself. I'm always a gentleman and that's always been my approach to initial encounters.
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If a femdom has expectations that you should be kneeling and addressing her as "Mistress" in the very first introduction, or online in an email using protocol You/me, do you feel it's worth compromising your own ideals to behave in a submissive manner to get your foot in the door?
Actually, I've had problems with the women you describe and have refused to show any signs of submission to them. I know it's cliche', but I believe in the old expression "I may be a submissive, but I'm not your submissive until we've agreed as such". [8|]
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If you approach a woman as a classy, nice gentleman and she barks at you and bites your head off for not treating her like a "Goddess," do you want to get to know her anyway?
If you are appropriately assertive, nice but ambitious in your efforts, do not posture submissive but clearly give an indication that you are submissive when appropriate and prefer to treat a lady like a lady until chemistry is in place, and her response is to tell you that your balls need to be in her purse before she will talk to you -- do you want to talk to her anyway?
Absolutely not to both scenarios! [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m23.gif[/image]
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Are submissives over-thinking what should be a simple statement: Don't act submissive. Just be yourself, and the submissive stuff comes later. Don't posture submissive, because it's not appropriate in initial contacts. Be appropriately aggressive as you would be courting a vanilla woman, and if you get signals that are not offensive to you, but perhaps indicate a more subtle approach may be better, listen to the cues if you feel interested enough and move from there.
Akasha
I can't say if they're over-thinking or not Akasha. Ultimately, it's understood by both parties that what's desired is a D/s relationship and that's where things are eventually going to lead if there's the right chemistry and connection between the two. As such, there's something of an undertone that exists there which leads to a certain amount of a dichotomy in the male taking an agressive, or what I'll refer to as what I think is more appropriate, a generally "assertive" or pro-active approach; one that shows interest and consideration, offering the Woman numerous opportunities to have fun while getting to know each other as just two people on a non-BDSM basis. At some point though, a dynamic is bound to begin to develop, whether discussed and negotiated or not, simply based on the fact that she's a Dominant Woman who's naturally going to want to take charge!
It's been my experience that establishing a friendship of some kind where the two get to know each other's personalities and learn about the vanilla interests which they have in common first, while perhaps discussing some D/s philosophies to establish a basis for compatibility in that regard, has been what I've been the most comfortable with. When a woman has demanded my submission up front, that's always been a total turn-off for me. When she's more subtly tested it as the relationship has developed, that's allowed a D/s dynamic to develop more naturally and for it to "fall into place" for both of us. IMO, a Woman shouldn't attempt to take a man who's been living freely on his own without deferring to another into total submission overnight; it has to be a gradual process for it to be successful. [sm=2cents.gif]
- pixel
Lady Pact's bleaux
still under consideration by other other [;)]
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