Feeling quite ignorant (Full Version)

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leighdesire -> Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:25:43 AM)

I've been lurking and reading these message boards, and feel that the majority of the responses from Masters are insightful, honest and to the point.  Now, I need advice.  Two months ago I met a Master on alt, and we hit it off quickly.  Not just our sexual preferences, but personality types, sense of humor, family values, etc.  We talked almost daily, many times for a few hours at a stretch.  He lives 500 miles away, and we discussed the logistics of meeting.  Because of unrelated travel plans that require a layover, I knew I was going to be at an airport about an hour away from him, and we agreed to meet.  As the time came nearer, I asked him for confirmable personal information which he agreed to provide, but with hesitation.  He said he had  a previous experience where the friends/family of a play partner got a hold of his information and harassed him.  Within days of the request I still had not received his info yet.  Because of circumstances I decided to not push the issue at the moment.  Because I like to read his profile on alt, I frequently log in to see it.  As you probably know, the profile also includes a "last visit" date which had always been many days/weeks in the past.  When I logged on this morning, not only did I find him online, but he was also chatting.  I flipped.  I was already suspicious and hesitant because of the reluctance to give personal info.  I paged him on the chat function and he said he was chatting with friends.  I told him I didn't believe him.  He called me, was rather aggressive in tone, and said he didn't have time "to deal with this".  Within minutes, he called back and told me it was over.  I'm sick to my stomach, feeling that I got played by this person, yet I'm sad because I thought that there was the beginning of something special.  I don't know if I overreacted, if I was unconsciously responding to the red flag that had been raised, or if I simply screwed up really good this time.



CalifChick -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:30:22 AM)

Why did you "flip" when he was chatting.. you had not even met.  Perhaps you need to rein in your expectations of other people.  I don't know that he "played" you (or that he didn't)... you talked, you emailed, sounds like he got tired of you, particularly after the little dramatics.


Cali



GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:37:06 AM)

why is it so hard to believe he was chatting with friends? Thats the only reason I keep an Alt account.. 

frankly, you going ballistic on him raises more red flags, to me, than anything you've indicated that he has done.  *shrug*

I agree with Cali.



kyraofMists -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:37:30 AM)

He was talking with other people and you flipped?  Is he not suppose to talk to anyone else but you? 

Seems you have some extremely unrealistic expectations, most especially of someone that you have not even met face to face.

Knight's Kyra



RumpusParable -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:39:04 AM)

I got the same impression from your story, leigh, as Calif expressed.



Rule -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:43:07 AM)

Yes, you were overreacting. I agree with CC and GT.
 
You might have simply asked him if he was still interested in meeting you.
 
Anyway, he may have second thoughts and may be back. And if he isn't, then he was not truly interested.



leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 9:52:07 AM)

Thanks for your input.  I really appreciate everyone's candor.



lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:01:46 AM)

but he had coolled off and not given her the info she'd asked for in order to make her journey to him.  that would have made me wonder what was going on a bit.

i agree with the others that you probably shouldnt have gone off the deep end, but i can understand why you suspected that he was being less than honest with you.  he also blew you out very quickly after you lost your rag, whereas someone who genuinely wanted to carry things on might have tried to talk you down and reassure you.

i think that unless you have a genuine committment from someone in real time its probably time to accept that this 'search' business is very 'poly' in nature.  people tend to keep in touch with prospects even if theyre planning to meet someone else, because all too often what chemistry you have on the net doesnt always measure up when you meet. 

sounds to me like you might have issues here that you need to address and look at.  and im sorry its all gone shitty, thats never a nice feeling.  but i wouldnt feel too bad, he was showing signs and symptoms of not being honest with you when he failed to give you those details and so maybe youve had a lucky escape.  dont beat yourself up.  just ride the learning curve and realise that this can be a bit of a meat market.



KnightofMists -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:06:39 AM)

\\9
quote:

ORIGINAL: leighdesire
I don't know if I overreacted, if I was unconsciously responding to the red flag that had been raised, or if I simply screwed up really good this time.


I think this comment is important.  I don't think it was particularly constructive to flip out.... but I am not so sure if was because he was talking to others... maybe that is the surface issue... but there is that instinctive feeling that you where not willing to consider previously to this incident.  Maybe you where getting played... and deep down you knew it.. just wasn't willing to admit it to yourself.  When we bury an issue... when often will find a way to push it self out into the open... and sometimes not in the most of constructive of ways.



GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:17:36 AM)

maybe it's just me, but I didnt see his reluctance to fork over personal info prior to the first meet as a red flag.  The op didnt say if she had given him HER info. I've met quite a few people with nothing more than their names.. if there's no chemistry with someone, then they have no need to know anymore about me than that.  And if indeed the guy HAD had problems because of shared info (not entirely out of the realm of possibility), then I think he was just being prudent.



JewAndCelt -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:22:36 AM)

Perhaps he's dealt with a similar situation in the past ... someone else who might've gone ballistic.

It's imporant not to trat folk online any different than you would in real life... you never know what you're dealing with.



RumpusParable -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:33:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

but he had coolled off and not given her the info she'd asked for in order to make her journey to him.  that would have made me wonder what was going on a bit.


Except, by her wording, all this happened "within days".  She doesn't describe a major cooling off or distancing... she describes a few days after asking flipping out on someone she's not met yet.

quote:

i agree with the others that you probably shouldnt have gone off the deep end, but i can understand why you suspected that he was being less than honest with you.  he also blew you out very quickly after you lost your rag, whereas someone who genuinely wanted to carry things on might have tried to talk you down and reassure you.


Personally, I can not fathom why you and others have said this.  I absolutely would not if the situation described as it is here happened.  Person I'm getting to know online and phone only so far has a dramafest like that?  Big indicator to me they have emotional problems or are just plain a dramaqueen.  I'd drop them immediately... if that's how they act before they've met me -that possessive, insecure, and accusatory- I don't have any interest in seeing how they'll be once we've met in person.  Doesn't matter how much I was interested or cared for them at that point, it's a huge red flag that they are too unstable -by nature or enjoyment- to go forward with.

quote:

i think that unless you have a genuine committment from someone in real time its probably time to accept that this 'search' business is very 'poly' in nature.
 

Or, that just like in reallife (vs. netlife), dating is just dating until the partners involved agree to it being more than that PLUS mono.  I point that out as this sort of behavior strikes me as from someone who would go out on dates for a month (or 6, time has little to do with it) with someone or sleep with them and assume that it was a monogamous, committed relationship without actually getting that established with the other person.


I agree that it's, of course, possible that he wasn't being honest with her or was trying to let things fizzle out.  But from what she's described here, her described thoughts and actions  were pretty clearly Red Flags to any partner -even if he *was* being dishonest and/or deciding to end things, they're Red Flags to other potentials.



leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:34:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

maybe it's just me, but I didnt see his reluctance to fork over personal info prior to the first meet as a red flag.  The op didnt say if she had given him HER info. I've met quite a few people with nothing more than their names.. if there's no chemistry with someone, then they have no need to know anymore about me than that.  And if indeed the guy HAD had problems because of shared info (not entirely out of the realm of possibility), then I think he was just being prudent.


Actually, I had given him a good deal of info about me.  He has my cell, home phone and work phone numbers, as well as my home address.  Since we were meeting face-to-face, I read several threads here addressing personal safety when meeting a Dom/Master for the first time and thought most of the advice was worthy of consideration and use.



GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:40:54 AM)

ok. fair enough.

Did he ask for it or did you just give it to him?



RumpusParable -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:45:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

maybe it's just me, but I didnt see his reluctance to fork over personal info prior to the first meet as a red flag.  The op didnt say if she had given him HER info. I've met quite a few people with nothing more than their names.. if there's no chemistry with someone, then they have no need to know anymore about me than that.  And if indeed the guy HAD had problems because of shared info (not entirely out of the realm of possibility), then I think he was just being prudent.


An excellent point!  Why was she needing personal info prior to meeting this man?  Town and public meeting location is plenty for traveling to a first meeting.

If he was telling the truth about having prior problems, taking a few days to weigh whether or not to give personal info is reasonable.  It's reasonable *without* any past bad experiences.

I've a friend I've talked to almost daily, for hours most days, online and by voicechat, email, and IM.  Online we are very close...  but the reality is that we've never met in person.  I've "known" him now for a year.  It's highly unlikely he's getting my home address the first time he comes to visit until after we've met.  As it is, he has my first name as the only bit of personal info about me.  -Not out of any paranoia, but it's not come up because it's not needed.  I also haven't learned his last name or address.  We like each other online, we haven't actually met in person yet.



RumpusParable -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:48:04 AM)

I have to echo what Greedy asked:  Did he specifically request these bits of info about you or did you share it yourself?

And even then, your comfort zone does not automatically make his, so a better question may be:

Did he specifically request these bits of info about you while telling you he intended to share the same amount of details and then refuse after you'd shared?



leighdesire -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:48:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

ok. fair enough.

Did he ask for it or did you just give it to him?


He asked for these things, and as a good faith gesture, I freely gave him the information.  My flight plans were made two weeks ago after discussing them for about 10 days.  I had dropped hints (I know, bad way to get what you want, but I am submissive in nature and am not always good at being direct with others) that I wanted the info but didn't come straight out and ask him for it until last Wednesday. 



lally3 -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 10:55:30 AM)

Or, that just like in reallife (vs. netlife), dating is just dating until the partners involved agree to it being more than that PLUS mono. 
 
hi there rumpus,

im gonna respond to the rest of it in a mo.  but i just wanted to highlight this for a moment.

here in the UK we dont do the 'not exclusive' thingy atall.  if we're going out with someone then we are, exclusivity is expected from the start, unless its made totally clear that its just a one off or no strings or just upfront about others.  not sure how the teenagers work it though, but judging from the 'loved-up' young things i see, id say thats pretty true for them too.

im just wondering if this 'not exclusive' thing is wholesale across america or if maybe some people see the start of a relationship as something a little bit special.




persephonee -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:03:55 AM)

See, maybe im reckless, but if i read this correctly, you had a layover situation in an airport...presumeably chock full of Homeland Security...highly trained defenders of democracy, apple pie and the freedom to bring a bic onboard. So to meet someone for coffee first...which is the prescribed all encompassing safety technique used by vanilla and kinky alike for centuries...the airport food court would have presumeably been the safest place to meet without a preponderance of personal information...that could have been gleaned from conversation fueled with caffeine and hormones. my thinking is this...if the sub is right in front of him and the information is dependent on proceeding on to the nearby airport hotel...he prolly woulda given you his social.

And i have met online and skipped the coffee gone right for the hotel...and didnt die a horrible death...yet. More than likely i wont do that often, but i really dont like to say things and then take them back.

So were you meeting for coffee at the airport, or were you planning to go to a hotel and play? i ask because the information requested is perhaps too much for coffee but fully within your rights to request prior to play.



GreedyTop -> RE: Feeling quite ignorant (9/28/2008 11:09:52 AM)

thanks for saying what I was thinking, pers :)



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