tactileartist
Posts: 36
Joined: 12/9/2006
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My 2 cents' worth to the basic topic - summed up as "what differentiates BDSM activities from domestic violence?"
BDSM activities are (at least SUPPOSED to be!) negotiated out by all parties involved as to what is and is not acceptable, which limits can be pushed and which ones cannot, when an activity is okay and when it's not, and also how MUCH of an activity is acceptable... or not. BDSM lifestyles of varying sorts are (usually - I'm painting with a broad brush here) lifestyles where the expectations of the relationships are made more explicit than in vanilla ones, and a mutually gratifying "contract" - written or unwritten - is agreed upon by the people in that relationship... usually in ADVANCE.
Domestic Violence (be it physical, verbal, emotional, etc.) is about control. The abuser is controlling the victim. The method they use to control is relatively unimportant for the purposes of this discussion. It's about "I told you not to do that!" and "Where were you and who were you with? What were you doing? Why are you 15 minutes late, it doesn't take that long to go shopping!" and "You'll never be ANYTHING without me", etc., ad nauseum. Often the abuser is "only trying to take care of" the victim, or "looking out for" their best interests... again, etc., ad nauseum. The abusers often state they were acting out of love and concern for their victim.
The victims often - I won't go so far as to say most of the time; I don't have the studies available to me anymore - have low self-esteem and feel that they "deserve" or "need" to be treated in these manners, or that these expressions of "jealousy" are "proof that [the abuser] loves me". The victims are often women, the abusers are often men... but I feel that male victims of abuse (especially emotional abuse) are vastly under-reported for varying reasons.
I was a victim - and I choose to never again be a victim - and I've done a lot of extensive research into what "abuse" entails, since my abuser chose verbal and emotional abuse as his method of control rather than physical, which (for me) made it MUCH more difficult to see, and then to admit, that his behavior was really abuse. I've known a number of other victimes of several methods of abuse. We consented implicitly by tolerating the behavior - by staying in our relationships, by not saying "No, this is not acceptable, I will not accept being treated in this manner", by not saying "fuck you, asshole - I'm leaving", and especially by saying things like "I'm sorry" and "You were right" when we knew we were not sorry, and that they were NOT right.
Now, about the subject of Doms being "less likely to be abusers" - bullshit. Absolute bullshit. The first reason it's bullshit is that any asshole can self-identify as a Dom; there is no test or certification to "qualify" to be a Dom. Being a Dom means NOTHING outside of the very personal context of how s/he interacts with his/her partners. Therefore - I call bullshit. A Dom is, I would guess, about as likely to be an abuser as any other human being. No more, no less. Hell, for that matter, the same holds true for subs. As a corrollary example, I will merely point out that on the FBI's profiling statistics, one of the common things to look for when investigating a possible child molester is "Baptist minister" - for the simple reason that child molesters seek out positions where they are trusted with children, and NOT because Baptists are more likely to be child molesters. An abuser who's looking for victims may very well seek out to be a "Dom" because he (or she) is looking at a... target rich environment.
In closing - BDSM is (supposed to be) like any other type of relationship in that it nurtures, supports, cherishes, and enhances the lives of those involved. Abuse destroys. The explicit behaviors are NOT a good standard by which to determine whether something is abusive or not.
For further reading, I would suggest www.bullyoffline.org (a nonprofit site). There's a great deal of very interesting reading there.
Hope that provides food for thought.
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RE: Spousal abuse versus BDSM - 
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