quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
So I have to question myself - and yes I know some of my dearest friends have posted they get yucky mails but I have never been a person to play favourites, and those that are my friends know that - what are people writing, or how are they writing to get such shitty responses?  What are people doing or projecting to get such negative feedback?[/size]

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

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ORIGINAL: HandSolo

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

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ORIGINAL: HandSolo

List the post numbers, as I saw nobody who is saying what you are, to the extent that you are. At best, a general poll would clearly demonstrate my point. I can speak confidently on the matter, because I draw my reading of Internet etiquette from actually observing what is considered acceptable behavior by the overwhelming majority, and by reading primers on expected norms of behavior. I am quite certain you have not, partly because you have stated as much.

Yeah well, you can't go by post numbers hunni, bubble busted.

I don't need to go by the post numbers. I posted a link to a Google search on "internet dating etiquette." Go ahead and browse if you like. There are at least a dozen articles by self-proclaimed experts, and all but one, from 1999, and another, aimed particularly at over-40 women, advise that a no-response is equivalent to "thanks but no thanks," and is accepted protocol.

I dug further. There were a number of threads on various BBS in those results. I scanned through them, to get a rough tabulation of the opinions on the matter. Regardless of the degree of hysteria/acrimony of the thread, the opinions fell at least 3:1 in favor of "no response," and that was granting a generous definition of pro-response posts.

More interestingly, I noted, just as I had supposed, that there were, in fact, people who preferred to get a "no response" to a "no thanks," and even some who were irritated by a "no thanks." In fact, there were nearly as many who preferred to receive no response as those who found a no response rude.

Putting aside one's preconceptions and personal preferences on the matter, there is no way I can conclude anything but that the "no response" is the standard demurral, and that sending a "no thanks" is nearly as likely to offend as a pocket veto is.

Well, unless you post all the links to the alleged google links you found, what you found is pretty pointless.  The fact is that no one is saying that no response isn't a response.  But that no response is a rude one.  People can use smoke and mirrors as much as they want, but it is still rude.
 
And I am comfortable being rude.[;)]  If I have to be.
 
the.dark.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys
That's all I was trying to get across was that if you count it as a response then so be it but understand that if there's someone on the other side waiting for a response back..you ARE being rude.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: Icarys
That's all I was trying to get across was that if you count it as a response then so be it but understand that if there's someone on the other side waiting for a response back..you ARE being rude.

There is a Buddhist philosophy that says desire is the root of suffering. So if you are suffering, change your desires. If I'm going to send an unsolicited email to someone and then sit around waiting/expecting them to reply to me, that is my choice. If I am going to be bothered when they do not reply, that is also my choice. They have not invited me into their door and then ignored me. I knocked and let myself in, and then expected their attention.

I'd say if I did this, I'd need to change my perspective, expectations and desires. That's pretty much how I look at this.

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There is a Buddhist philosophy that says desire is the root of suffering. So if you are suffering, change your desires.

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ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

so we have people sending shit messages to polite people. These polite people get sick of it and don't respond to both polite and unpolite people...and therefor becomming inpolite also.
So in the end...we will become all inpolite.
And still I think for a community...that is scary and could even lead to a communities end.
And there is no one to blame but ourselfs, as we choose to treat people as we are treated ourselfs.

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ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

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There is a Buddhist philosophy that says desire is the root of suffering. So if you are suffering, change your desires.

lol I would normally take that as great advise..but since they fight for their own country and get a constant beating from China..it is uhmm...a bit weird to believe in their advise ;)

**sorry* :P

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

It's not exactly unsolicited in a sense..you do have a profile up on a dating site.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

That's all I was trying to get across was that if you count it as a response then so be it but understand that if there's someone on the other side waiting for a response back..you ARE being rude.

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

There is only a community as far as people want to belong to one though D.  End of the day - do people want that?
 
the.dark.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
The Buddhist philosophies have been around for eons. And they are philosophies that work well in my life, so I incorporate them into it. I put that up there as an explanation of where I was coming from in my reply, not to argue whether Buddhism is a valid way of living. [;)]

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ORIGINAL: zakkan

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ORIGINAL: Icarys

That's all I was trying to get across was that if you count it as a response then so be it but understand that if there's someone on the other side waiting for a response back..you ARE being rude.

But sometimes there is no sure way of knowing if they expect a response, or they are hoping you will respond. If I say hi to someone, I hope they will respond. If they do [:)] if they don't [:(]. Thats it. I will just think they are not interested. But I think we all expected the OP to respond, and since he did not, thats rude.

Personally, if I messaged somebody, I will rather they do not respond, if their response will be a 2 letter "no". At least, I can blame it on CM and convince myself that they did not receive the message [8D]

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I turn to Miss Manners for the answer: No reply, is your reply and, in fact, is the only reply that does not send potentially confusing signals.

Even saying "no thanks" may be and often has been an opening for an unwanted suitor to continue to press his case. It has been centuries that polite society taught it's members to simply ignore unwanted attention.

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ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark
So I have to question myself - and yes I know some of my dearest friends have posted they get yucky mails but I have never been a person to play favourites, and those that are my friends know that - what are people writing, or how are they writing to get such shitty responses?  What are people doing or projecting to get such negative feedback?

Hey darlin,

I will typically post, "No thank you, but best wishes in your search." That's pretty much my standard reply to those emails I am uninterested in.

The only times I don't reply is when either I forget to, the opening email is rude, or I just don't have the energy for it. I don't always reply to emails from friends, either, nor do they always reply to me. We all just know we'll get around to it at some point or other, and don't think anything of it. Same with returning calls. But then with friends & family there's a mutual understanding that we'll be in touch when we can be in touch and no one takes anything personally. With them it just means "Im busy right now" or "I have other things on my mind and can't focus on this right now" or any other number of things.

I suppose it's just a matter of perspective, and what constitutes rudeness is subjective. So of course there will be differing opinions on it.

Have a great day, sweets.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I turn to Miss Manners for the answer: No reply, is your reply and, in fact, is the only reply that does not send potentially confusing signals.

Even saying "no thanks" may be and often has been an opening for an unwanted suitor to continue to press his case. It has been centuries that polite society taught it's members to simply ignore unwanted attention.

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ORIGINAL: Icarys
As for the poll numbers and the posted etiquette...like i said earlier..It only reflects the attitudes of society now.. I knew how it would turn out simply based on the attitudes I've seen here about it and the ones I see in the public everyday.