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RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 4:34:02 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

You might laugh, but it can help someone move on. I once had a slave who ran away from me, and the fact that she never asked for her release haunted her for several years afterwards. Obviously, it's something of a ritual act, since in the good old U.S. of A. you're always free to go regardless of whether your master grants your release. But ritual acts are cherished for a reason. They help people navigate through the stress and uncertainty of momentous changes in their lives. That's why people turn to them at important turning points: birth, marriage, death, and so on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

So I come here to read, that if you leave a bdsm relationship it is somewhat standard to "beg for release". In my observation if you are at that point, you are already separated in mind or action. Why indulge such a formal practice of asking for your freedom?

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 41

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 4:40:21 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

wow, where to begin

you beg into the collar/relationship/whatever, you should beg out. once the statement is out there, ie: its not working, i want to go.. and the D says "no". ever thought, maybe, the D didnt realize it was that bad? yes, communication is the key, but, as with everything else, work, kids, families, ect, get in the way. we dont always communicate the way we need too. you can get lost in weeks of work and dealings with every day life, and suddenly, something like that "beg" snaps you up and makes you say.. whoa... whats happening? I thought everything was fine.

i have always believed, when its over, no begging needed... simply a suitcase and a goodbye note

when a sub or slave is begging... maybe there is still a chance

as far as the "drama" lines.

life is full of drama.. good.. bad.. indifferent.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to feylin)

Post #: 42

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 4:41:02 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Communication is the crux of most things. It is one of the reasons I have to raise a brow when someone posts about how they can "respectfully" bring up an issue that bothers them. In my view it is less than respectful to feel you must dance around an issue, so that your dominant does not feel insulted. Instead, why not come out openly with the things that just are not working. Silence is not golden, it is brown and muddy. If people were less fearful of rocking the boat maybe communication might be easier.
As for the rest of you post....
It is a gamble, but it is one that is well worth the effort. May your ride run smoothly.
Kyst

I am not fearful of rocking the boat, but I hate conflict and confrontation. I also get so mullyflubbered when I try to speak about some things that may be bothering me, that I can't remember exactly what I wanted to say and the tears start flowing and the sobbing and and and and

....... well the whole conversation doesn't get far. LOL!

I prefer addressing many issues through my journal, which is usually acceptable to Him. He can respond (or not) when and how He chooses.

I can relate to what celticlord posted because sometimes issues seem overwhelming to me to the point that I want to run away. Those issues aren't always just issues surrounding our relationship, but life in general. When something is stressing you out in one part of your life, it can magnify or exaggerate the stresses in your relationship to the point that you feel it's time to give up. This has happened to me a couple of times, and although I never gave up or asked for release, He knew that what was best for me was to pull me closer and hold me tighter - literally and figuratively. So had I asked/begged for release, He very likely would have said "no" at those times because He knew what was best for me, and for us. He's kinda wonderful that way

and it reminds me of why I love Him so much.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 43

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 4:43:52 PM

Sandyshores29718

Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline

*fast reply*

It would really depend. If I wore his collar then I would ask to be released. Without the collar I'd just have a talk about how things are just not working out. I'm only just begining my first Ds relationship and its a first for us both. We have a lot to figure out, so I'm not sure if I would beg or not. I guess I could see myself begging if I knew I should leave, but could not bring myself to it. I'm really on the fence about this. I guess I'll not know till that time comes.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 44

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 4:54:24 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I dont think I have ever begged to be in a relationship. I know I have never begged for a collar or a ring. I have begged to be fucked. I have begged to suck cock. I have begged someone to let me release the liquid from my body in an enema.. And on at least 3 occasions I have begged for the baby to hurry up and get out of my body! LOL so.. yes it does seem odd to beg for release if that is something I never begged for from the beginning. I guess it is a different strokes thing.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

you beg into the collar/relationship/whatever, you should beg out.

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 45

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 5:02:33 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I think I am lucky in a way because my body lets me know when I am stressing. I grew up not being able to voice anger (I still cannot). I grew up not being allowed to show fear. I grew up shoving those things down until they inevidibly rose in other ways. When I am upset, I still get hives.
I still cannot deal with anger. Yelling makes me retreat. Heck... raised voices make me retreat. But the stresses are easier because of the hives. When those rise up it is time to open up dialogue and speak up. No one likes the look of hives and they really itch. I don't care for hives but I do know why I get them and for me communication is the first step to seeing them subside.
I wish that I had learned to deal with stress early on in my life. Life is hard enough without adding in pissy rules of how one "should" be able to communicate. I don't get hives too often anymore.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: BRNaughtyAngel
When something is stressing you out in one part of your life, it can magnify or exaggerate the stresses in your relationship to the point that you feel it's time to give up.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 46

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 5:10:16 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

What the heck? I see that a lot in these forums. I get that people enjoy the idea of being "property". What I do not understand is why someone who wanted to leave, simply did not say "this is not working out anymore".

I am a woman who was married and divorced. I did the standard counselling in an attempt to save the marriage and I do believe in that. Even though in my case it did not work over the long haul. But, I have also dated, been involved for years with men, and when it was over, it is over. Both people are aware of the end and if you do it well, you remain friendly in an amicable parting. It has always worked out that way for me.

So I come here to read, that if you leave a bdsm relationship it is somewhat standard to "beg for release". In my observation if you are at that point, you are already separated in mind or action. Why indulge such a formal practice of asking for your freedom? Especially since many I see here, have not even met the person to whom they need to beg. I just do not get it.

I will admit I was engaging in BDSM long before the net. I was having my behind spanked, stood in corners, disciplined, pleasured and given pleasure long before there were rules for this. But when did this idea of begging for release become so common? More of a curiousity to me, why did it become common?

Color me confused.
Kyst

your initial post

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I dont think I have ever begged to be in a relationship. I know I have never begged for a collar or a ring. I have begged to be fucked. I have begged to suck cock. I have begged someone to let me release the liquid from my body in an enema.. And on at least 3 occasions I have begged for the baby to hurry up and get out of my body! LOL so.. yes it does seem odd to beg for release if that is something I never begged for from the beginning. I guess it is a different strokes thing.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

you beg into the collar/relationship/whatever, you should beg out.

many people enter relationships in many ways. i gave you one example of why. others have give you theirs. if its not for you, then dont beg for release. but dont knock others for doing as their hearts/conscious/desires/whatever dictate

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 47

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:39:29 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hopelessfool

I didnt see it >.<;; Ill ask it a different way though, what if she didnt simply leave but asked release, would you honestly consider it, or would you take it as her in "Desperation"?

I honestly consider all my slave's requests. Despair has its own perverse honesty.

_____________________________

(in reply to hopelessfool)

Post #: 48

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:41:40 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I am not knocking you. I just dont know when the change happened, or why it did. People are going to do what makes them wet. As I said before, different strokes.
I could never do it your way, nor would I wish to. And I am sure, you probably could not do it mine, nor would I wish you too. I am not a sheep, nor do I aspire to be a shepard. I only question the why's and wonder where they came from.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
but dont knock others for doing as their hearts/conscious/desires/whatever dictate

(in reply to tazzygirl)

Post #: 49

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:42:33 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

I love your Basil Fawlty quote. Being an Englishman,.of course, it was he who got a bat up the... uhh...

(in reply to natasha66)

Post #: 50

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:47:28 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Communication is the crux of most things. It is one of the reasons I have to raise a brow when someone posts about how they can "respectfully" bring up an issue that bothers them. In my view it is less than respectful to feel you must dance around an issue, so that your dominant does not feel insulted.

Dancing around an issue is not respectful communication. However, there is a world of difference between a simple and direct "You did X and it bothers me/makes me angry because....." and "You fucked up when you did X."

Military protocols illuminate how to respectfully communicate problems--phrasings such as "Permission to speak freely?" and "With all due respect....." exist in the military lexicon for just that reason.

There are ways to communicate respectfully on any issue. It takes focus, and discipline, and a smidgen of patience, but it can be done.

_____________________________

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 51

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:53:40 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I could not imagine telling someone they fucked up because. LOL when I see those posts of how they can respectfully bring this up, I always wonder well what the heck.. HOW do they talk normally? On the other hand I would probably not say, you did x and it bothers me because. If I bring it up, clearly it does bother me. Excuse me (insert husbands name here) do you mind not bringing your bimbo's to family bbq's? Who would have thought that would ever come up? Yet it did. Instead I would say, my family would not understand if you brought your girlfriend to this bbq.
Up front and open, doesnt always have to have a permission slip. Saying what you mean should not be that hard.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Dancing around an issue is not respectful communication. However, there is a world of difference between a simple and direct "You did X and it bothers me/makes me angry because....." and "You fucked up when you did X."

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 52

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 6:53:44 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

What happens if a submissive "begs" for release and it is not granted? Does she make a decision to stay in a relationship she does not want? And why would a dominant want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with him? Weird stuff.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 53

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 7:34:03 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

What happens if a submissive "begs" for release and it is not granted? Does she make a decision to stay in a relationship she does not want? And why would a dominant want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with him? Weird stuff.

The implicit assumption in your questions is that begging for release is the same as wanting release. That assumption is false probably more often than it is true.

_____________________________

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 54

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 7:43:43 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

in my case, the word "release" gave us both time to think. he denied my beg, and i accepted that decision, for a time. eventually, we both agreed it wasnt working, and i moved out with his blessing

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 55

RE: begging for release? - 10/13/2008 10:23:18 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

So I come here to read, that if you leave a bdsm relationship it is somewhat standard to "beg for release". In my observation if you are at that point, you are already separated in mind or action. Why indulge such a formal practice of asking for your freedom? Especially since many I see here, have not even met the person to whom they need to beg. I just do not get it.

In one word....

Closure.....

I believe a lot of it is to gain closure that the relationship is truly over, and as LAM stated, that makes it easier to move on. If only vanilla relationships would end so neatly. It is one of the things that I think is good about these sorts of relationships... the act of asking release or giving it lets the other person move on.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 56

RE: begging for release? - 10/14/2008 12:14:01 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

What the heck? I see that a lot in these forums. I get that people enjoy the idea of being "property". What I do not understand is why someone who wanted to leave, simply did not say "this is not working out anymore".

In a relationship where he had all the authority over decision-making (an aspect of the relationship I wanted, sought out and asked him for), making the final decision for it myself would have just been way too foreign and weird for me, and I would not have been able to do it. It would feel like it didn't count, because it would have been a complete 180 to the way the relationship was run.

I have no idea where and why this practice came into play. I only knew I would never walk away from the man like that, as it would seem a terrible disrespect to him, to me, and to what we had created over the last four years.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 57

RE: begging for release? - 10/14/2008 1:49:10 AM

allyC

Posts: 778
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline

Hello, Missokyst and all others :) I think the difference lies in how others view the process of internal enslavement as well as how each individual views and interacts within their relationship, be it conventional or nonconventional. When I first felt my owner's collar on my neck, I had just knelt at his feet and begged him to own me - begged him to collar me. When I did so, he let me know that it was permanent. That the rules were not "obey or leave" but rather "obey or obey." I begged him also never to let me go. I took that seriously. Every word, every promise, every vow and everything I begged of him. Little did I know at that point that over the years, those vows would be further solidified by mastery and the ever-growing process of enslavement. I know now that I couldn't just say "it is over, I'm leaving." I have moved past that point. If I ever felt I could not continue, I know that I would wind up at his feet, begging for him to release me. And if he said no? There would be a damned good reason. Well wishes, Cav's ally *edited to correct grammar* :)

< Message edited by allyC -- 10/14/2008 1:51:54 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 58

RE: begging for release? - 10/14/2008 2:04:50 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

The implicit assumption in your questions is that begging for release is the same as wanting release. That assumption is false probably more often than it is true.

So it's what? A power struggle? A way of getting the dominant's attention? If I want to leave a relationship I simply leave, I don't use words like "release" and I don't "beg" permission to leave a situation that isn't working for me.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 59

RE: begging for release? - 10/14/2008 2:21:44 AM

SoulPiercer

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: simpleplan2

Yeah, I've always wondered what would happen if the D said "No". You're not released? That really doesn't make any sense. Course I also wonder how many actually do it.

Just my opinion .. but I believe "begging for release" could be viewed the same as "asking for a divorce". Both are ways of communcating I'm not happy and I'm out of here.

If husband/wife says no .. you walk and file the paperwork anyway. Or you shrug shoulders, say okay and stay.

If the dominant/mistress/master says no .. you walk anyway. Or you shrug your shoulders, say okay and stay.

Now .. can someone point me to the orgasm control forum? Talk about deceptive advertising.

_____________________________

Do you have any idea how many bones you have left for me to break? - Batman

(in reply to simpleplan2)

Post #: 60

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