Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships

Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (Full Version)

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KnightofMists -> Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:14:42 AM)
I appreciate that some relationships in this lifestyle do not have have an aspect of love in their dynamic, but most do. I appreciate that we all define or see love in many different ways but I am wonder how many of us feel that love that we individually define is communicated in our own dynamics. Recently, I have finished reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My alandra read the book sometime ago and gave me a really good understanding of what it was about and the ideas behind it. It has been a topic of conversation between the three of us in many conversations and I expecting more such conversations in the future. The book basic premise is that we each generally have a primary way (language) that we understand and feel loved or love another. Mr. Chapman has five basic categories (languages) in the way we communicate our love to each other. It is also important to consider that we don't always speak in the same language as our partner(s) and these different languages can be a point of miscommunication in many relationships. Even with each language he stresses that there are many subsets or dialects within a specific language. Each language is not a specific way to do it, but is a loose category that brings many different but similar approaches under one umbrella. The Languages #1 - Words of Affirmations - it's really a question of hearing those sweet words that communicate love to us. It is not simply just "I love you". But it can also be any words or group of words we hear from our partners that give us the feeling of love. I one of the strongest moments for me was when Kyra called me one day a year or so ago and all she called to say was "I am proud to be yours" These words she told me more about her love for me than anything she had said before. #2 - Quality Time - time together is often an important thing for many relationships but is not just the time but how we spend that time together that brings meaning to people. When we are developing a relationship we seem to spend a lot of time to get to know each other and when that is achieved the amount of quality time together starts to drift for some relationships. I spent incredible amounts of time with Kyra in the development of our relationship. But it wasn't the amount of time or even the aspect of getting to know each other that made Kyra feel loved. It was the depth of intellectual conversations that fed Kyra emotionally. My desire to have these conversations demonstrated that I appreciated her mind. An aspect of herself that she is rather proud of and likes about herself. It communicates to her that I love her when I make those efforts to have these conversations with her. #3 - Recieving Gifts - We immediately thing of material things when we hear gifts. But not all gifts are of the material type. Many talk about the gift of submission and so often as I read people that have this view, I also see these things is a way that they love. They are givers of themselves and it comes from a place of love and I would imagine that a for some Dominant persons their is no greater expression of love that a submissive person giving them there submission. It's not just big expensive gifts either, but those simple flowers or other simple expressions that communicate our love. As the saying goes "it's the thought that counts" and that thought is love. #4 Acts of Service - For 20 years Alandra has been around doing things for me either directly or indirectly. I don’t just see her desire to do these things as a demonstration of her submission but also an expression of love. We often can do things for others because we are expecting something in return because of these Acts of Service and we don’t feel loved. In fact for some this expectation of return for service can destroy that desire to feel loved for those acts of service. Often times in this lifestyle I see Dominant women in particular that become very turn off because of male submissives that are seeking play in exchange for the services they will provide. I don’t think this exchange is a bad thing, but for some these acts of service are an expression of love that they want to receive and as such it makes these types of individuals incompatible with each other. I myself find it rather it distasteful in an intimate relationship to feel that Acts of Service is an exchange. #5 Physical Touch – Most will likely immediate think of sex and the play when we consider this. But, physical touch is also the holding of hands, the rub of a shoulder or tired feet and many other much more mundane physical contacts. I love to be touched by my girls and I am extremely tactile with them. It is seldom that I will not make some sort of physical contact with them when they are near. In our days apart, the lack of physical touch was particularly challenging for Kyra and me. Touch is very much a how Kyra and I express our love to each other and feel loved from each other. Mr. Chapman express that we each have a primary language. Though I think we might have a primary language in a given relationship. I am not convinced that this primary language will be the same for every relationship. I also believe that we can communicate our love in one manner but understand the feeling of being loved in a completely different language. Considering how Alandra, Kyra and I love and feel loved has been an important discussion in our dynamic. I am continuing to see and learn how we love and feel loved is working our authority dynamic. I am finding that much of our authority dynamic is expressions of love. That decisions are being made that are facilitating the communication of love between each other. The water is flowing it’s natural course and making decisions that hinder this flow will damage the relationship between us. I am not sure I have any specific questions to start this OP. I just open the discussion on the idea of communicating our love in our individual lifestyle relationships.

JustDarkness -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:18:28 AM)
quote: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships what is different from communicating outside the lifestyle? is our love different? (now I gonna read what you wrote...but the questions came up..when I saw the title ) done:P Loved it....but mmm...when you finished the book...did you learn something new? The 5 languages seem logic to me. Although no4..I am not sure if I would list it as service....is doing things for the people you care..service? Besides that..service....can be done..with out love. Service is propably the thing that is "different"from outside the lifestyle

KonDomme -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:18:41 AM)
I have only ever considered Agape. That is all I am willing or capable of showing. I do not expect anything else from a sub and as a rule, do not even expect this.

KatyLied -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:25:16 AM)
link for test I scored high on physical touch, which surprises me because I don't consider myself open to that sort of thing. But if it's a choice between a gift or a touch, I'll take the touch any day.

kyraofMists -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:30:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied I scored high on physical touch, which surprises me because I don't consider myself open to that sort of thing. But if it's a choice between a gift or a touch, I'll take the touch any day. I don't like being touched in general and I am pretty physically closed off from most people. However, I crave it from someone that I love. I think that because of the emotional significance that it has for me, I don't want to be touched by just anyone. Knight's Kyra

OsideGirl -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:37:27 AM)
Master and I are very similar. Physical touch and quality time are high prorities for us. We're hand holders and cuddlers. We enjoy just getting in the car and going for a drive together.

OttersSwim -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:39:37 AM)
While there are aspects of all of them in my relationships, I am by far motivated and connected by Touch. It is the first thing I seek on coming back into the physical presence of a loved one. It grounds me, it centers me, and it helps me to feel connected to that person. I love "petting" - i.e., putting your hands on someone and rubbing, touching, massaging, etc. At night, I love to cuddle and will snuggle into my Lady as we sleep.

slaveluci -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 12:08:10 PM)
Quality Time = 37% Words of Affirmation = 23% Physical Touch = 23% Receiving Gifts = 10% Acts of Service = 7% Pretty accurate, I'd say. Interesting test and thread................luci

oceanwynds -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 12:09:54 PM)
Sir expresses his love by touching. Personally, i am not the type that wants people touching me, but with Sir it just feels good. i am a natural doer and enjoy doing for Him. He speaks words of endearment. He tells me my eyes and smile tell him that i love him. Using the word 'love' i do here in this post. Neither of us are fans of that word, so we have chosen words like appreciate and wonderful to replace it.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 12:34:51 PM)
Mine came out heavily on the "Quality Time" end, with a secondary in "Words of Affirmation". My lowest was actually "acts of service" (10%), with "touch" and "gifts" coming in even at 17% each. My Darling did it, and hers came out heavily weighted to "Acts of Service", followed by "Quality Time" for her relationship with me, but (interesting to me), it came out different for her relationships to our other partners.

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 12:56:44 PM)
Physical Touch=33%/10 out of 12 Acts of Service=30%/9 out of 12 Receiving Gifts=0%/0 out of 12 Quality Time=23%/7 out of 12 Words of Affirmation=13%/4 out of 12 If I'm getting to touch the one I love, that is quality time.

LadyPact -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 1:03:07 PM)
I recently went to Dom Con in Atlanta. I came away from this event with understanding three primary things. One of which was what a loving dynamic clip and I really have. The fact that we walked together, showed our affection without shame. That love was a primary component of our D/s. I felt pity for those who didn't have this element. Not in a holier than thou kind of way. Really, it was a sorrow. That I wished that others might have what I felt I had. How lucky and fortunate I am. What brought this on, I can really say. All it was being a simple thing. There we were, walking though the lobby. Each of us an arm around the other. Out of the blue, I realized we were probably one of the most loving D/s folks thre. What an effect that had on Me. I will not forget.

JustDarkness -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 1:10:24 PM)
but what made you think others didn't have it. Why not forget the others..and just be happy with what you feel. Does happyness need to be "weighted" looking at others? But I do know what you talk about...it is a great feeling.

NuevaVida -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 1:14:28 PM)
Interesting thread, and thank you, Katy, for the link (I'm highest with touch and quality time being equal percentages, and words of affirmation a close second). I've heard of this book and the concept of "love languages" before. When those in a relationship have compatible love languages, or even respect the other's love language and take that into consideration, I would think things would flow much more smoothly than otherwise. This is why, I believe, we often speak of compatibility issues, rather than assuming someone just has a "bad partner." Touch and affirmation are big ones for me, and yet the most important relationships I've been in gave me little of both, leaving me short of thriving in the long run. I've always been "touchy-feely" - not just with a partner, but with family and friends. With touch lacking in my life, I began to withdraw from it and convince myself that I didn't need it. Now I'm spending time with someone who, when we're together, is constantly touching me - caressing, massaging, holding, kissing - and I realize how wonderfully affected I am by that. Conversely, since my former master was a "service language" type of guy, I became accustomed to expressing my love and care by serving - by doing things. This current man isn't that interested in the "doing things" part, and would prefer me to stop running around doing and just be still with him - talking, laughing, smooching, relaxing, etc. I am much more internally relaxed, even though it is quite an adjustment. I'm learning to realize nothing is wrong with that situation - it's what compatibility is like! Go figure.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 1:21:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I don't like being touched in general and I am pretty physically closed off from most people. However, I crave it from someone that I love. I think that because of the emotional significance that it has for me, I don't want to be touched by just anyone. Kyra, I am very much like this. I now live in a state where most here think it is OK to just come up and touch my shoulder, or arm. Last night, the waitress came to our table and put her hand on my pets shoulder, he was insulted "Some southerners have no concept of personal space" he said. I agree. I am not saying that all people in Ga. are like that, but really, what gives anyone the right to come up and touch any stranger in that manner? I don't give out hugs easily. Everyone in my family knows this, and most ask if they can hug me. I am not a cold person by any stretch of the imagination, but good grief, from a stranger? Oh yeah, I get offended. Before I get responses that "It is a southern thing", I have to ask, is it an acceptable thing? I don't think so. IMO. KoM, thank you for the post. I agree with JustDarkness, it is most certainly common logic that exists in and outside of BDSM. Geoff submits to me from his love from me. It is my love for him that makes me able to ask or demand things from him. I find I do not have to ask, as most times he is up and doing, before I even think about it. Would he do the same for another who is not his Mistress? If he loves them he would. Love is a great motivator.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 1:55:15 PM)
I did my test but I am going to keep it a secret and see if BSB can guess the order of mine, which I am pretty sure she will. As for the concept itself, it is a pretty good one, in fact, BSB got me the book for my birthday. I am enjoying it in between school work.

juliaoceania -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 2:39:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied link for test I scored high on physical touch, which surprises me because I don't consider myself open to that sort of thing. But if it's a choice between a gift or a touch, I'll take the touch any day. I had a tie between quality time and physical touch Thanks for posting that

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 3:37:25 PM)
Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us. BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often. On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle.

hejira92 -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 4:01:18 PM)
I have recommended this book for years and think everyone should read it. Lifestyle has nothing to do with it-it's for anyone in any relationship (there's a great section on um's). I am so physical touch! I lived without it for all the years of my marriage. If I touched him, he thought it meant I wanted sex- so would reject it and me. Can you imagine ME being with a man like that? I will never forget a trip to the Keys Master and I took early on. We were watching a street performer and Master moved behind me and put His arms around me and held me so I could lean on Him. The casual, loving touch was too much for me and I began to cry for the beauty of the gesture. I can never express to Him what it means to me to be loved by a man who speaks my love language.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 4:23:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 I will never forget a trip to the Keys Master and I took early on. We were watching a street performer and Master moved behind me and put His arms around me and held me so I could lean on Him. The casual, loving touch was too much for me and I began to cry for the beauty of the gesture. I can never express to Him what it means to me to be loved by a man who speaks my love language. That passage makes my heart ache.

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