RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships

RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (Full Version)

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MasterFireMaam -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:42:14 PM)
I read this book many years ago. Of course, it really only helps relationships if your partner(s) read it, too. Mine didn't. It was kinda sad. I've definitely learned that how I SAY I love you and how I want it said to me are different. I've also noticed that it's different for different relationships...and it changes over time. This book and the discussion about love languages is actually a part of my household manual. Master Fire

Cuffkinks -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/18/2008 11:44:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us. *BSB is very much a guy* and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often. On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. Perhaps that sentence could have read: "BSB is just like a guy.."? ******************************** My results are: 30% Words of Affirmation 7% quality time 13% receiving gifts 23% Acts of service 27% physical touch "Those" don't look like guys to me! I'm just sayin'...

JustDarkness -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 12:32:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 I will never forget a trip to the Keys Master and I took early on. We were watching a street performer and Master moved behind me and put His arms around me and held me so I could lean on Him. The casual, loving touch was too much for me and I began to cry for the beauty of the gesture. I can never express to Him what it means to me to be loved by a man who speaks my love language. That passage makes my heart ache. What makes my heart break..is that something normal to me...seems hardly to happen to many. Is a hug..or holding really getting rare? ps.. Why do wel all do the test? And what does it say..besides giving a score? (besides that tests are fun :P )

moonvine -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 12:57:01 AM)
fast reply I scored 33% physical touch 27% acts of service 17% quality time 13% words of affirmation 10% receiving gifts I'm surprised words of affirmation were so high - my theory when it comes to people - not just in a BDSM setting, but anyone - is "Don't pay attention to anything they say, but pay attention to everything they do."

moonvine -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 1:00:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness ps.. Why do wel all do the test? We're all bored? I have little else to do at 3 am. All my 4 legged masters and mistresses have gotten their meds and fed and stuff....there is no football on at this hour...so I took a test:p

JustDarkness -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 1:15:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: moonvine quote: ORIGINAL: JustDarkness ps.. Why do wel all do the test? We're all bored? I have little else to do at 3 am. All my 4 legged masters and mistresses have gotten their meds and fed and stuff....there is no football on at this hour...so I took a test:p lol good reason :P 10 am here...forgot about the time differences.

RCdc -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 5:03:05 AM)
Darcy Quality Time 33% Physical Touch 33% Acts of Service 17% Words of Affirmation 13% Receiving Gifts 3% the.dark. Quality Time 37% Physical Touch 30% Acts of Service 17% Words of Affirmation 13% Receiving Gifts 3%

Icarys -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 6:18:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Darcy Quality Time 33% Physical Touch 33% Acts of Service 17% Words of Affirmation 13% Receiving Gifts 3% the.dark. Quality Time 37% Physical Touch 30% Acts of Service 17% Words of Affirmation 13% Receiving Gifts 3% Well aren't you two just perfect for each other.[:D]

Padriag -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 6:29:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam I've definitely learned that how I SAY I love you and how I want it said to me are different. I've been musing over that with myself. Receiving gifts doesn't much matter to me... but I tend to be a gift giver. I enjoy giving gifts at xmas and tend to put more thought into it than most of my relatives. Likewise, hearing words of affirmation doesn't much matter to me, but I tend to say them to others. While I like acts of service from others, I tend not to do them for others. Touching seems to be the only common denominator between how I receive and show affection. I think it would be very useful for anyone to consider not just how they receive affection, but how they show it as well, even those of us not in relationships.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 7:19:03 AM)
Words of Affirmation 17 Quality Time 27 Receiving Gifts 10 Acts of Service 10 Physical Touch 37

SimplyMichael -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 7:23:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch Perhaps that sentence could have read: "BSB is just like a guy.."? Sorry, didn't mean to out you in public like that...having seen under that dress, I can vouch for you being all woman. But you do have more power tools and watch more porn than most men! [sm=hearts.gif]

pridedenied -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 7:41:01 AM)
Test Results: Percent Language Score 30% Words of Affirmation 1011 27% Quality Time 1617 7% Receiving Gifts 2223 13% Acts of Service 2829 23% Physical Touch 3435 I guess it's really important for we that we talk and I feel like I matter by what she says. Time together is a close second as it's hard to know eachother at all if we're never together. Touch is also very important to me in a relationship. It distinguishes me from friends and aquaintances. Makes me feel special. Also it usually gives me a lovely tingly feeling. :)

JustDarkness -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 8:16:29 AM)
Doing a test is not communicating our love...is it? And as the test is focussed on the subject..it will comes always with a result.... (sorry for ruining the fun :P )

colouredin -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 8:32:23 AM)
I struggled with that, most of the questions seemed to ask how you felt about gifts far more than i would assume most people find gifts important, and often i didnt agree with either of the options. Mind you I dont think you can really do a test like that to establish what type of person you are because it assumes to be one thing you can have the other, it assumes that you fit into a box and that everyone can. With that test specifically it was, you make me happy when you do this or when you do that, there was no room for i am happy when i can do this for you

RCdc -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 8:49:49 AM)
.nodnodnod.[:D] Sickening isn't it? [;)]I was really surprised that we equalled in three of the points though. And when we had a discussion about it after, it turned out the question I was very 50-50 on and just could not decide the way to go was the one that determined the 33/33 - 37/30 (holding hands vs going places). It was in interesting poll - I don't know if I would go for a book on the subject though, unless Darcy instructed but he is of the same thought. These kinds of things and relationship books are good 'fun' but we both agree that if we cannot sort it ourselves, or need a book to tell us or point us in any direction - our relationship would be pretty much fucked anyway. the.dark.

leadership527 -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 8:55:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Part of the importance of understanding this stuff is that we then can learn to "hear" our partners loving us. BSB is very much a guy and LOVES fixing things for me and does it fairly often. On some level this really didn't do much for me but I am working on "hearing" that work as her saying "I love you" but it takes work on both sides to meet in the middle. I'm going have to disagree here Michael. I feel strongly that it is incumbent on the lover to love their partner in ways meaningful to them. Try as you might, you are never going to be able to feel "loved" in languages other than that which you need/want. Or, at least, I have never managed that. In my opinion, much as I'd always prefer to meet my partner in the middle, in this case, it just doesn't work out that way. We each meet on the other person's side laughs.

RCdc -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 8:56:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin I struggled with that, most of the questions seemed to ask how you felt about gifts far more than i would assume most people find gifts important, and often i didnt agree with either of the options. Mind you I dont think you can really do a test like that to establish what type of person you are because it assumes to be one thing you can have the other, it assumes that you fit into a box and that everyone can. With that test specifically it was, you make me happy when you do this or when you do that, there was no room for i am happy when i can do this for you I believe it is how you define 'gift' though, colouredone. I mean, I tend to see the moments I get to spend with Darcy as a gift, that when he listens that is a gift as well. Time is a gift. Gifts aren't all materialistic. I pretty much look at the answers as being two that answer the theory in the same way - but with a slight edge. I mean - that number six I struggled over - I had to decide whether the holding hands was the main thing or the doing stuff together was - but it basically is the same answer. It's just whether you benefit more from the physical or the mental. the.dark.

marieToo -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 9:24:10 AM)
I've heard about this book and have been meaning to read it for some time. Thanks for the summary, KoM. In reading your post and the subsequent comments, I'm realizing that I have different love languages with different people. I never even thought of the gift giving as a language, but it struck a chord with me since I have always been very uncomfortable about receiving gifts from people but I could never figure out why. In giving gifts, I'm not as uncomfortable, but still feel hung-up about it, no matter how much I may want to give a particular gift to a person, whether it's a book or something more personal or symbolic. Even getting gifts or things from my mother when she goes shopping makes me feel squicky sometimes. With some people (like my ex husband) touch, and affirmative words were both comfortable expressions of love, yet with people I don't know well, touch is something I don't freely give, yet if they touch me, I accept it nicely and feel it as love, even though I wouldn't choose to "love" them the same way. With dominant men in ds relationships, I've always been uncomfortable with the affirmations, other than "I'm pleased" and things of that nature. Compliments or romantic affirmations make me squirm a bit. But I'm trying to get used to that since I'm realizing that a part of me feels good when I hear nice things spoken to me and about me. So that is a language I am trying to learn and accept. I would say I don't have a primary language across the board. I only have a primary language in certain types of relationships with certain people; with the exception of my daughter, with whom all the five languages (even the gift thing) flow easily, frequently, comfortabley, and with complete joy. Interesting stuff. Really.

colouredin -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 9:47:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark I believe it is how you define 'gift' though, colouredone. I mean, I tend to see the moments I get to spend with Darcy as a gift, that when he listens that is a gift as well. Time is a gift. Gifts aren't all materialistic. I pretty much look at the answers as being two that answer the theory in the same way - but with a slight edge. I mean - that number six I struggled over - I had to decide whether the holding hands was the main thing or the doing stuff together was - but it basically is the same answer. It's just whether you benefit more from the physical or the mental. the.dark. i guess if thats how you read it, maybe im being cynical but i read 'it as material stuff. That may be more to do with how i have seen a lot of people talk about relationships (ohhh my boyfriend so bought me this the other day it was so cool he must really love me, honest im not making that up) I have been struggling a lot recently with how to deal with it when my bloke asks me what I want to do and does stuff for me, so I guess I was reading the test with it coloured by that. Regardless I dont think that a test can really help much, i love books like some women do and women are from venus but i dont really see them as doctine even though thats how they are written. I think it can be really hard to look at things outside of the accepted norm and see that some people need differant things to feel loved, not everyone is the same

NuevaVida -> RE: Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships (10/19/2008 9:48:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Try as you might, you are never going to be able to feel "loved" in languages other than that which you need/want. Been there, can attest to that for myself. Instead I spent more energy than I should have, trying to interpret the things he insisted meant he cared about me. So often I just couldn't see it, though, and in time it became exhausting and frustrating. No matter how often he said "Of course I care deeply for you - why else would I.....(insert whatever it was he did, here)?" But it was Greek to me, and as much as I tried, his language did not compute into mine. I would get it for awhile, but it wouldn't sustain. There were other reasons for that, too, but this was a big one for me. I agree with you about trying to meet the person in the middle.

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