Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships

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Communicating our love in our lifestyle relationships - 10/18/2008 11:14:42 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I appreciate that some relationships in this lifestyle do not have have an aspect of love in their dynamic, but most do. I appreciate that we all define or see love in many different ways but I am wonder how many of us feel that love that we individually define is communicated in our own dynamics.

Recently, I have finished reading a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

My alandra read the book sometime ago and gave me a really good understanding of what it was about and the ideas behind it. It has been a topic of conversation between the three of us in many conversations and I expecting more such conversations in the future.

The book basic premise is that we each generally have a primary way (language) that we understand and feel loved or love another. Mr. Chapman has five basic categories (languages) in the way we communicate our love to each other. It is also important to consider that we don't always speak in the same language as our partner(s) and these different languages can be a point of miscommunication in many relationships. Even with each language he stresses that there are many subsets or dialects within a specific language. Each language is not a specific way to do it, but is a loose category that brings many different but similar approaches under one umbrella.

The Languages

#1 - Words of Affirmations - it's really a question of hearing those sweet words that communicate love to us. It is not simply just "I love you". But it can also be any words or group of words we hear from our partners that give us the feeling of love. I one of the strongest moments for me was when Kyra called me one day a year or so ago and all she called to say was "I am proud to be yours" These words she told me more about her love for me than anything she had said before.

#2 - Quality Time - time together is often an important thing for many relationships but is not just the time but how we spend that time together that brings meaning to people. When we are developing a relationship we seem to spend a lot of time to get to know each other and when that is achieved the amount of quality time together starts to drift for some relationships. I spent incredible amounts of time with Kyra in the development of our relationship. But it wasn't the amount of time or even the aspect of getting to know each other that made Kyra feel loved. It was the depth of intellectual conversations that fed Kyra emotionally. My desire to have these conversations demonstrated that I appreciated her mind. An aspect of herself that she is rather proud of and likes about herself. It communicates to her that I love her when I make those efforts to have these conversations with her.

#3 - Recieving Gifts - We immediately thing of material things when we hear gifts. But not all gifts are of the material type. Many talk about the gift of submission and so often as I read people that have this view, I also see these things is a way that they love. They are givers of themselves and it comes from a place of love and I would imagine that a for some Dominant persons their is no greater expression of love that a submissive person giving them there submission. It's not just big expensive gifts either, but those simple flowers or other simple expressions that communicate our love. As the saying goes "it's the thought that counts" and that thought is love.

#4 Acts of Service - For 20 years Alandra has been around doing things for me either directly or indirectly. I don’t just see her desire to do these things as a demonstration of her submission but also an expression of love. We often can do things for others because we are expecting something in return because of these Acts of Service and we don’t feel loved. In fact for some this expectation of return for service can destroy that desire to feel loved for those acts of service. Often times in this lifestyle I see Dominant women in particular that become very turn off because of male submissives that are seeking play in exchange for the services they will provide. I don’t think this exchange is a bad thing, but for some these acts of service are an expression of love that they want to receive and as such it makes these types of individuals incompatible with each other. I myself find it rather it distasteful in an intimate relationship to feel that Acts of Service is an exchange.

#5 Physical Touch – Most will likely immediate think of sex and the play when we consider this. But, physical touch is also the holding of hands, the rub of a shoulder or tired feet and many other much more mundane physical contacts. I love to be touched by my girls and I am extremely tactile with them. It is seldom that I will not make some sort of physical contact with them when they are near. In our days apart, the lack of physical touch was particularly challenging for Kyra and me. Touch is very much a how Kyra and I express our love to each other and feel loved from each other.

Mr. Chapman express that we each have a primary language. Though I think we might have a primary language in a given relationship. I am not convinced that this primary language will be the same for every relationship. I also believe that we can communicate our love in one manner but understand the feeling of being loved in a completely different language.

Considering how Alandra, Kyra and I love and feel loved has been an important discussion in our dynamic. I am continuing to see and learn how we love and feel loved is working our authority dynamic. I am finding that much of our authority dynamic is expressions of love. That decisions are being made that are facilitating the communication of love between each other. The water is flowing it’s natural course and making decisions that hinder this flow will damage the relationship between us.

I am not sure I have any specific questions to start this OP. I just open the discussion on the idea of communicating our love in our individual lifestyle relationships.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.