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I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 6:24:01 PM   
Darklustre


Posts: 13
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline 		I think I'm submissive but I have so many expectations of a man. I find that if I'm with a man I respect who is intelligent, controlled, composed and dignified, my submissive traits come out. I live for him and want to do everything under the sun to make him happy. But my expectations seem so high. I can't stand crudity and want to be appreciated and cared about before sex ever comes into the equation. My problem is that unless I have all these things, I can't fall in love, I do not feel submissive and devoted and I can't allow the relationship to go any further. I've been told by a local Dom that I'm a natural submissive. I'm not sure what that is. I'm not in this community at all. I think all the rules and ceremonies and such are just too cliche and game-based to feel real.

What does this make me? Do I have a place and can I find someone that is right for me? I'm definately a Daddy's girl.
 
What should I do? I feel so lost.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 6:37:35 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		You are what you want to be.  There are no rules, make it what works for you.  

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Darklustre)
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RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 6:39:12 PM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		Be yourself. That always works best in any lifestyle. BDSM is not an exeption. You seem to know what ou want, what you like and don't like. Fine. Honor that.

Check out your local community. It's always best to meet people and interact in real, face to face relationships than online. Although, as many here at CM can verify, it's possible to meet folks here, get to know each other as the limits of the medium allow and than meet in person.

There is nothing wrong with having standards and "expectations" of someone whom you are seeking . It's healthy. As you've said, your submission is expressed naturally when your own needs and desires are fulfilled. No problem here that I can see.

Trust yourself, meet more people you are interested in cultivating friendships with, share ponts of view and information. No biggie. Relax and have fun.


_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 6:46:46 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		what Cj said so well :)

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to cjan)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 7:14:29 PM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjan

Be yourself.


Best advice you'll ever find on the net.  Someone will want you for being you.  No matter what that is.
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to cjan)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 7:27:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Yup, I'm gonna pile on with support for cjan's very articulate and astute response.

In addition Darklustre, I'd like to point out that whatever it is that you think you are, it sounds submissive to me. Despite the reputation us guys have, some of us would like to exchange last names before we have sex, not after. Some of us don't feel the need to speak like sailors. Oh, and not all doms care about rules and rituals. Insofar as your "high" standards, I would actually consider them pretty baseline. Any woman who didn't have standards AT LEAST that high wouldn't be of interest to me. In short, you're not that weird *laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to cjan)
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RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 7:31:55 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		It means your a submissive with standards.

That's certainly better than being a submissive with no standards.

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(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 8:18:40 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Leadership and MadRabbit already said what I was thinking when reading your OP - You're a woman with standards. And, what everyone else has said - be yourself. There is no set of rules to live by, other than the rules you put on yourself, and, eventually, the rules you live by with your dominant. Of course you have a place. You have whatever place you carve out for yourself in this world, and it sounds like you're carving out something healthy.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 11:23:07 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline 		I'll second the great advice from cjan, MR, and leader and add that your expectations are inline with mine, and I have a fantastic Sir.

As for what your desires make you? It makes...you. There are gentlemen out there who cherish what you have to offer and want a woman that appreciates the same as you.


_____________________________

9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/23/2008 11:53:40 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

What does this make me?

Normal.  The majority of women I know will not and cannot "connect" with a man they cannot on some level respect.
 
 
quote:

Do I have a place and can I find someone that is right for me? I'm definately a Daddy's girl.

Everyone has a place, most of us know what it is... if we'll just listen to ourselves and trust our own voice.  I would imagine there are probably many men out there who could be right for you, and you right for them.

quote:

What should I do? I feel so lost.

To begin with, relax a little... things don't need to happen right away.  You're feeling anxious because you are feeling very uncertain about your place and your options.  You're worried you are expecting too much.  You needn't be too concerned.  There are certain qualities that attract you and bring out your own nature, qualities you respond too.  That's every woman (and indeed every person) I know, and that's okay.

As has already been said, be yourself... and enjoy the process.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 2:36:33 AM   
Durus


Posts: 184
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline 		Wanting someone intelligent, controlled, composed and dignified that will appreciate and care for you is not exactly what I would call high expectations. More like a rational minimum for a relationship.
 
 
"I think all the rules and ceremonies and such are just too cliche and game-based to feel real." I laughed.
 
Keep an open mind, make friends, don't make assumptions, and be patient. When you find what you are looking for, give it 100% of your effort.

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 3:13:17 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

I think I'm submissive but I have so many expectations of a man. I find that if I'm with a man I respect who is intelligent, controlled, composed and dignified, my submissive traits come out. I live for him and want to do everything under the sun to make him happy. But my expectations seem so high. I can't stand crudity and want to be appreciated and cared about before sex ever comes into the equation. My problem is that unless I have all these things, I can't fall in love, I do not feel submissive and devoted and I can't allow the relationship to go any further. I've been told by a local Dom that I'm a natural submissive. I'm not sure what that is. I'm not in this community at all. I think all the rules and ceremonies and such are just too cliche and game-based to feel real.

What does this make me? Do I have a place and can I find someone that is right for me? I'm definately a Daddy's girl.
 
What should I do? I feel so lost.

Hi and welcome... :-)
 
I think what you've described is something I relate perfectly to.  That is that you're likley more suited to a personal and monogamous relationship founded on D/s or M/s rather than the dress-up hype and posturing personas often found at play partys and community in general.
 
For many it's about the physical play and feeling like they fit in but most of the functions I attended left me feeling like I was on an 'X' rated Addams Family set or a zoo for freaks or something....  lol
 
What I do with my girl is personal, private and exclusive - we're just a "normal" couple or relationship but with rules and a hierarchy.
 
Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 5:45:59 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I've been told by a local Dom that I'm a natural submissive. I'm not sure what that is.


It's a way for him to compliment you into screwing him.  Or at the very least sucking him.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 5:53:27 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		Katy, I think you are a natural submissive . 

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 6:02:09 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Waves to the OP.  Why do you expect a bunch of strangers to know if your submissive or not?  I did resist to ask this obvious questions.  But I just had to .

BadOne



_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to cjan)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 7:20:04 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes those with higher standards have to wait longer if they are determined to hold out for what they want. It can be difficult, but is so much better than compromising for a shorter-term realization of a relationship for the sake of having a relationship.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 1:34:35 PM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		For clarity's sake : submissiveness doesn't imply subservience to anyone or everyone.  You can be submissive and still choose who you're going to be with - and why would you want to be with a 'tard?  I say good for you - go for the guys you want and their reward for being a good guy is your submission.  Don't feel bad!  You have the right idea.  (Your concept of submissiveness is a little off, but that's all)

(in reply to subtee)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 5:29:17 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Once you believe you have a right to choose the one you want, the rest is obvious.  YOu get to have whatever standards and expectations that you want, as long as you accept the consequences.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to cagliostro)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/24/2008 8:13:32 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darklustre

I think I'm submissive but I have so many expectations of a man. I find that if I'm with a man I respect who is intelligent, controlled, composed and dignified, my submissive traits come out. I live for him and want to do everything under the sun to make him happy.

Ok - so it sounds like your a "romantic pleasure sub" just to make up a label on the spot.
You don't mention any special interest in bondage, discipline, sadism or masochism, so I've left those out of the equasion.
Labels don't always matter, of course, but sometimes those little descriptive bits of information can help get an idea across efficiently
quote:

But my expectations seem so high.

God, I hope not! Those all seem perfectly reasonable.
quote:

I can't stand crudity and want to be appreciated and cared about before sex ever comes into the equation. My problem is that unless I have all these things, I can't fall in love, I do not feel submissive and devoted and I can't allow the relationship to go any further.

I'm not sure exactly what you're saying there. On the surface it sounds reasonable, but it is reminding me of the conundrum that some people don't want sex until they feel they are in love, and other's don't feel they are in love until they've had sex and feel that they are sexually compatible.
Let's say there's a kind of continuum with ultra-casual sex on one end and "no sex til marriage" on the other. I'm not sure where your placing yourself along that continuum.
Maybe the better question is to ask you why you bring this up. Do you have trouble finding partners who share or at least respect your values n stuff?

quote:


I've been told by a local Dom that I'm a natural submissive. I'm not sure what that is. I'm not in this community at all. I think all the rules and ceremonies and such are just too cliche and game-based to feel real.

What does this make me? Do I have a place and can I find someone that is right for me? I'm definately a Daddy's girl.

What should I do? I feel so lost.

You're an individual. It's a lonely thing sometimes.
I'd say just think more about the things you want and try and clarify that vision a little bit, then see about ways to start putting that out there, once you've got it fairly well-defined.
It sounds like you've got it more than half-way figured out, so that's a pretty good start.

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I think I'm submissive but... - 10/25/2008 12:11:46 AM   
robertolapiedra


Posts: 520
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello Darkluster. Do not change a thing, you are perfect the way you are. Those high standards will only get you into a high standard relationship. Just remember that the high standards you hold for your eventual dominant may in turn be asked of you as a submissive.

You should not worry about what to do, when you find the one, nature takes over. Just obey nature. Good luck. RL.

(in reply to Darklustre)
Profile   Post #: 20
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