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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:17:21 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

My point, which apparently I didn't make very well, is that it seems that he is shutting down constructive discussion and communication about it by saying "but you agreed to this." I'm not saying he should change, or she should change, or she should stay or she should go. And the word "fair" shouldn't even come into it. But he should be able to discuss it without throwing the past into her face.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 21

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:31:05 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Yes, Cali.
If you are going to take every word your partner utters as an unchangable for life agreement and spend the rest of your days screaching 'But you agreed!'
You need to warn them about that upfront before they commit.
That way, if they chose to proceed, they can know to never try anything they are unsure of, to cut only the safest, most boring path through life with you, since anything they try will become an etched in stone precedent, and that will be the only safe way to proceed.
If you would like your slave and partner to explore new venues with you, you might want to make a habit of being open to ongoing communication.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 22

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:31:30 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sorrynobsownsme

Is it fair for a slave to not want a sister slave?

It's not an issue of fair or unfair.

I have lived with my owner for nearly six months. He doesn't want to start looking in a few years because he thinks it will take a few years to find another. I have been open minded, in my opinion and I have caught glimpses of the assets to another live in. I don't think there is somethign wrong with having a toy or a friend that comes around. There are just parts of my life I only wish to share with him.

So, you have clarified what you'd like.

The time and effort he spends getting to know soemone else he could be spending on fine tuning us. We have talked about it multiple times. I try to keep him up on how I feel with it all. One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it. I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails.

If you agreed to it and chose it and now don't like the idea, you have to decide what to do about that. No, you can't always know how a situation that you THINK you can cope with will affect you when it becomes reality...BUT, that doesn't change any of the facts.

All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him.

The good news is that you CAN be without him, just as you were before; you just don't like the idea.

I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not. I have to be prepared that it will not. I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search". I have my cake finaly and now I just want to eat it too :P

You don't have your cake because 'your cake' would be having him entirely to yourself.

I don't want him to have another slave so.. is that selfish?

No, it's not selfish to not want it. It would be selfish if you attempted to make him feel guilty for something he's been upfront and clear about and obtained your agreement to.

I want to be his one and only slave, but that isn't my choice.

You clearly know what you want. No, it isn't your choice. You want something OTHER than what you chose and agreed to in the beginning.

agirl

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 23

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:39:39 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sorrynobsownsme

Is it fair for a slave to not want a sister slave? I have lived with my owner for nearly six months. He doesn't want to start looking in a few years because he thinks it will take a few years to find another. I have been open minded, in my opinion and I have caught glimpses of the assets to another live in. I don't think there is somethign wrong with having a toy or a friend that comes around. There are just parts of my life I only wish to share with him.

The time and effort he spends getting to know soemone else he could be spending on fine tuning us. We have talked about it multiple times. I try to keep him up on how I feel with it all. One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it. I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails. All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him. I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not. I have to be prepared that it will not. I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search". I have my cake finaly and now I just want to eat it too :P I don't want him to have another slave so.. is that selfish? I want to be his one and only slave, but that isn't my choice.

No in fact it isn't your choice. You are a slave and owned by your Master, certainly you have the choice to bow out and either beg for release or just walk but as to you being his only slave the final decision is his and his alone (allowijng for your input of course). I have seen this happen in a number of M/s relationships including Gorean ones and even then where a slave is property and nothing more, a Master will usually seek opinions from his slave. However by the fact that you identify and I presume collared as a slave, you gave up the right to negotiate much of what happens unlike many of the D/s relationships where negotiations and compromises are the order of the day. It certainly sounds to be that your Master has developed a yen for having a poly home and you a mogonomous one. I could suggest that you sit down and discuss with him how he invisages the set up will be and the pecking order will be. Should at least you become the alpha slave or First Girl, at least you will have authority over the new lass. Perhaps you could agree to give it a trial and see what transpires with the view that if it doesn't work out but he wants to keep it going, you will leave....

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 24

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:45:21 AM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sorrynobsownsme
One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it. I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails.

Everybody has a right to change their mind.
However, when you agreed to this, you must have had some ideal scenario that you imagined might take place - something that made you imagine that this could be acceptable to you?
Maybe a possible option is to spend some time re-focusing on that vision, rather than on scaring yourself with the negative possibilities you could be imagining.

quote:

All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him.

Ouch.

quote:

I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not. I have to be prepared that it will not. I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search".

Well...there is the possibility that you are fearing the unknown, and that factor is freaking you out. Sometimes the unknown is far worse than the reality that eventually materializes, you know.
Just wondering - would it help if your master shared with you the details of his search, so that you felt more informed and included?
Or - are there specific fears or concerns of yours that he is not addressing?

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 25

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 11:56:46 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Have you asked yourself why you don't want to go down this route? why you want him all to yourself? Is it jealousy? is it that you don't like the thought of anything bi? do you feel under threat by another woman?

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 26

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 2:12:06 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

If you are a slave, you have no say in the matter - so no, you're being unreasonable.

Having said that, quite a few men are in this for the hunt, not for the BBQ. As soon as they have made a conquest, they go look for the next. It is really up to you to decide whether that's OK or not - just remember, if you decide this isn't for you, you should really not call yourself a slave. And that is par for the course, I suppose - lots of women say what they think the man wants to hear, then do their own thing. So go figure (yourself out).

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 27

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 3:27:47 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Sounds a bit rough on the female gender mate but you might just be right at least for some anyway. I prefer to spend the time with someone and getting to know then inside and out and insisting that they get to know me. Mind you being married to another Dominant does tend to wave off those lasses who are secretly lookijng for a partner as well as a Master/Mistress anyway. I'm a great believer in upfront open and indepth discussions where a prospective collar is made to understand that the current dynamic can change as we all change and that I do not just make up my mind to do something different but rather brood over it and discuss the whole matter. In the long run I have to consider the well being of the whole home and not just my personal desires. Besides which, there is always the possibility I'd be adding a service only slave to the mix in anycase depending on what the home required.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 28

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 6:48:04 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

My point, which apparently I didn't make very well, is that it seems that he is shutting down constructive discussion and communication about it by saying "but you agreed to this." I'm not saying he should change, or she should change, or she should stay or she should go. And the word "fair" shouldn't even come into it. But he should be able to discuss it without throwing the past into her face.

Cali

I knew what you were refering to. Using the whine factor in here post. I suspect she would dog him every day about that issue. After 4 months of it the dude is like. "Ive had enuff your agreed to it now shut the fuck up" It's like ppl that go shopping for opinons til they find one they like.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 29

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 6:56:48 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Well, I'll start with the first question that popped into my mind: Why didn't you discuss/negotiate this before you became his slave?

Next: If poly isn't for you, I would advise ending the relationship. If he gets his way, you'll resent him and be miserable. If you get your way, he'll resent you and be angry.

Finally: Poly only works when everyone in the relationship is secure within their positions. A six month relationship rarely fulfills that requirement and you certainly don't sound like you feel secure about what's going on in your relationship.

Quote from the OP "One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it. I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails"

That kinda was my point she has already agreed to it. I read it as she knew this going into the relationship. If I am mistaken I retract my first post.

BadOne

You're correct. I missed that.

So that leaves either deal with it or get out.

But, I'll stand by my view that a 6 month relationship and an insecure sub equals a disaster waiting to happen. Dominants that don't care enough to wait until the relationship is ready to add another, is basically saying that he doesn't care what it does to his current relationship as long as he gets his rocks off.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 30

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 9:22:45 PM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

You can agree ahead of time to all sorts of stuff, but until you're actually faced with, or in the situation you agreed to, you aren't going to know what sort of feelings are gonna show up to the party.

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 31

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/24/2008 10:26:00 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

You're correct. I missed that.

So that leaves either deal with it or get out.

But, I'll stand by my view that a 6 month relationship and an insecure sub equals a disaster waiting to happen. Dominants that don't care enough to wait until the relationship is ready to add another, is basically saying that he doesn't care what it does to his current relationship as long as he gets his rocks off.

No doubt it's a train wreck. The tone of her post indicates to me that she will never be ready to share.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 10/24/2008 10:28:41 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 32

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 5:48:40 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

You're correct. I missed that.

So that leaves either deal with it or get out.

But, I'll stand by my view that a 6 month relationship and an insecure sub equals a disaster waiting to happen. Dominants that don't care enough to wait until the relationship is ready to add another, is basically saying that he doesn't care what it does to his current relationship as long as he gets his rocks off.

No doubt it's a train wreck. The tone of her post indicates to me that she will never be ready to share.

BadOne

But then that is only a tone in a few lines of someone we don't really know or understand. I don't see insecure, I see uncertainty and each and every one of us have the right to feel that.

Take me back six years and no way was I ready to share. My posts would of read very similar to hers. 2 years down I tried it and loved it and never looked back. This is about informed consent, its about being ready and thats a two way street.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 33

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 5:57:37 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

Fast Reply to no one in particular...

The nature of consent is that it's not (always) a permanent state. Consent can be given, and then revoked at any time. Just like a relationship itself, it may last only a night or it may be perpetual... it's not the "one and done" decision in some fanciful portrayals of Master/slave relationships. Forever is a long time.

And to admonish a submissive/slave for revoking their consent as they realize (by whatever means) that they simply can't accept something (like poly) is about as silly as admonishing a Dominant for releasing a submissive/slave that they had consented to care for.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 34

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 6:25:29 AM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rover

And to admonish a submissive/slave for revoking their consent as they realize (by whatever means) that they simply can't accept something (like poly) is about as silly as admonishing a Dominant for releasing a submissive/slave that they had consented to care for.

John

I must be getting cynical because I don't consider either to be silly. Just another pile of feces "masquerading" as "good advice" and getting thrown around by the Collarme.com Monkeys.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 35

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 6:29:18 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I must be getting cynical because I don't consider either to be silly. Just another pile of feces "masquerading" as "good advice" and getting thrown around by the Collarme.com Monkeys.

You capitalized "Monkeys"... is it fair to assume that they're Dominants?

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 36

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 7:45:10 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

But then that is only a tone in a few lines of someone we don't really know or understand. I don't see insecure, I see uncertainty and each and every one of us have the right to feel that.

Take me back six years and no way was I ready to share. My posts would of read very similar to hers. 2 years down I tried it and loved it and never looked back. This is about informed consent, its about being ready and thats a two way street.

Yea I understand what your saying. But from reading that post, I swear ppl down the street from me could "hear" her fucking whine. And that was jsut from reading it.

It's a long story but the punch line says it all. "you know how woman are"

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to allthatjaz)

Post #: 37

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 7:57:03 AM

sorrynobsownsme

Posts: 15
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

I appologize that I came across in a dramatic manner. In regards to can't live without him I wasn't reffering to ending my life if it didn't include him. We have known each other for almost 6 years now but had never met. We met while we were in the military via online. Long story short after we had tlaked for a year I wound up married in order to pursue a relationship and change military orers which often happens my ex was ARMY I was USAF. I tried and I loved my married life but there came a point I couldn't go a day longer in a vanilla with kink in the bedroom. So I called my now owner out of the blue (we hadn't talked for 6 months) and said I can't stand another day. He came up with an agreed upon contract for a year with possibility of release after a year or a re up :) All parties involved are friendly and my ex and I love each other very much but not as lovers or as a slave. I love that I have choosen to take this one slowly.

As far as consent prior to being collared he said there would be others. I didn't figure this to be another live in slave. Just as I said before I do see glimpses of the advantages of another around. I have come a long way in feeling jealous. I just want him to be happy and enjoy his life and it goes both ways :) I don't mind the fact I can be rented out or what not as he sees fit.

An alarm bell went off when I read the reply about the thrill of the chase. I think that may be a large part of what is going on. He did however say it took 5 years to get me here and he didn't want to wait that long.

I want to be open to the idea and try hard to challenge my internal dialougue. I don't feel I am going against my nature. He is right it will better me in many different ways. He talks about it so as to have someone else here for me whenever he isn't able to be and such.

I think time will be the largest factor and ample amounts of communication.

Thank you all very much for taking the time out of your days to reply to my post. Your indvidual insight and perspectives will be mulled over, I assure you. There really are some great forums on this site thanks to the members!!

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 38

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 10:25:36 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

Whoa there! You've known each other for 6 years, you've NEVER MET, and you're upset that he's going to be boinking other chicks???? Seriously????

Edited for confusion... You said you've lived together six months, but then said you had never met. You mean, "never met until... you met"??? Huh?

SpeechlessCali

< Message edited by CalifChick -- 10/25/2008 10:27:45 AM >

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to sorrynobsownsme)

Post #: 39

RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 2:02:36 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

I could be wrong, of course, but I think they have met NOW. They just didn't meet for the first 6 years they knew each other... then did six months with no contact, then, if i read this right, moved in together at the end of the six months with no contact.
This is the same OP who agreed to try a threesome with three rules, wich included 'give up perfectly fair and equal balanced attention', 'don't cuddle the other girl' and 'wear a condom', all of which he broke. Which would be hard to do online, i would think. but maybe not....

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 40

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