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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 8:23:17 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		Well, it might not be an either/or thing.
Perhaps you can propose conditions under which you would be comforable trying the proposed additional third person arrangement.
You could sit down and try to think of how this could work for you; what would an acceptable version of this proposed relationship look like for you.
Your master and yourself could choose to try to compromise together in that way.

Personally, I'd want to know that the person was std screened, and I'd want to talk to them in person specifically about that.
But that's me, I couldn't rely on someone else to do that work for me.
So, that's just one thing, for starters.

I'm in sort of a poly thing now where the husband originally made all sorts of rules for how I'd interact with his wife. I respected him and his comfort levels, and a lot of those rules have fallen away as he becomes more comfortable with everything.
Sometimes having more rules in the beginning lets you feel a little safer until you get to know and trust the person you are getting involved with.

And of course, you can change your mind if the situation doesn't feel right to you.
Those are some thoughts on the matter, anyway.
YMMV

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 9:21:45 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		next time be sure you know what both of you want before you commit.  you probably thought if he spent time with you he wouldn't want another.  guess you were wrong.  either leave or find a way to deal with it. 
PM

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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/25/2008 9:58:59 PM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
D/s, M/s, or B/s.


funny...priceless.
thanks for the laugh out loud, Leadership527

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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 3:52:26 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Mate? Ah, Oz...   If I appear rough on the female gender, it is because I have no experience with male subs and slaves.

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 3:59:27 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		That is exactly what "had never met" means. Not until she dumped her husband. Can't help but think "nice to have one line up". Husband wasn't good enough, and now the master isn't, either. She should try women.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 9:48:14 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

It is no crime to say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't."  The crime is when the other person tries to guilt you into it, or manipulate you into it, by saying, "but you agreed, so you have no room to complain now."

"Crime" is a bit of an intentionally harsh word there.

It is a dishonor, though. And, in a relationship where honoring the one you're with and holding up to the vows you made (which, unless more information surfaces as I read more through the thread, included the awareness of the inclusion of a sister), violating those vows because you didn't put enough forethought into what it would take to accept an M/s relationship (of all things!) is as close to sacrilege as you can get.


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(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 9:52:13 AM   
NihilusZero


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From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

SpeechlessCali




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I know that I'm to blame."
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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 9:52:17 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Darlin', it was just a cliche, nothing more, nothing less.  You could as easily substitute the word "harm"... as in, "there is no harm".



Cali


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 9:58:37 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Darlin', it was just a cliche, nothing more, nothing less.  You could as easily substitute the word "harm"... as in, "there is no harm".


I was partially teasing. :P


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"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 10:03:41 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
I was partially teasing. :P


I was responding to your choice of the phrase "intentionally harsh".  Now don't make me go all crazy-Dommely on you! 


Cali


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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 10:22:43 AM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
I was partially teasing. :P


I was responding to your choice of the phrase "intentionally harsh".  Now don't make me go all crazy-Dommely on you! 


Cali


Well, what if I say "intentionally harsh" was just a cliche and that we can "substitute" it with, oh...let's say..."llama"?

*ducks*

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 10:23:39 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

It is no crime to say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't."  The crime is when the other person tries to guilt you into it, or manipulate you into it, by saying, "but you agreed, so you have no room to complain now."

"Crime" is a bit of an intentionally harsh word there.

It is a dishonor, though. And, in a relationship where honoring the one you're with and holding up to the vows you made (which, unless more information surfaces as I read more through the thread, included the awareness of the inclusion of a sister), violating those vows because you didn't put enough forethought into what it would take to accept an M/s relationship (of all things!) is as close to sacrilege as you can get.


!00 pts.


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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/26/2008 11:07:41 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

...It is a dishonor, though. And, in a relationship where honoring the one you're with and holding up to the vows you made (which, unless more information surfaces as I read more through the thread, included the awareness of the inclusion of a sister), violating those vows because you didn't put enough forethought into what it would take to accept an M/s relationship (of all things!) is as close to sacrilege as you can get.


Hmmm. I have a couple of thoughts regarding this. One is: is all the onus upon her? It does take two to tango. I would imagine that her master can't be *too* shocked at these developments, can he?
If she rushed into something, in a way, hasn't he as well?

What I mean is, some people do seem to take the plunge rather hastily. I've noticed that while reading some of the threads here: vanilla one day, suddenly they discover they are a slave the next, and they want it right now and nothing else will do.
Now, I'm not referring to you here, OP, just noting how quickly these relationships sometimes seem to form. There's always a guy out there who will say "Slave?, sure!" So it's just that easy.

I think people should consider these things carefully, but I also envy them in a way for just taking the plunge sometimes. I have the opposite tendency: I tend to deliberate too long or not put myself out there enough. If you're a guy, especially, that approach can be a less efficient use of time, let's say.

But, beyond that, I do think it's just true that you can't always imagine ahead of time what something is going to be like further down the road, no matter how much deliberation you give it beforehand. Sometimes you can't know for sure and you just say "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it" (or not, as the case may be.)

edited to add: I want to just say clearly that, though I've had experience with D/s relationships, I don't have experience with a Master/slave relationship. Because I don't have real first hand M/s experience, I realize that my take on this could be naive or otherwise missing something.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 10/26/2008 11:14:19 AM >

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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/28/2008 7:50:47 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Him saying you would look to expand the relationship in the future is a far cry from you moving in and he immediately spending all his time chasing someone new. Tell him that this relationship is not yet secure enough for you to deal with a third. Ask him what's more important to him; having a strong relationship or chasing new nooky nightly. And don't listen to what he says, just judge him by what he does.

Basically he didn't tell you ahead of time that this would happen before your relationship was solid, because if he had been honest you would have passed. Instead, he knows this isn't working for you and he doesn't care how unhappy it is making you.

Is this really your ideal relationship? To be with someone who shows you how unimportant you are to him?
Why did you think all his previous relationships had failed? You have some hard choices ahead, to make the break and the sadness now or after you've wasted even more of your time on him.

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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/28/2008 8:39:03 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		My personal opinion is that if you make an agreement, you should stick to it.  We all have negative emotions and insecurities sometimes: they are emotions and can be controlled.  Part of personal growth is doing such things.  Some venting to ensue: I don't mean to seem at all non-empathetic to your circumstance but was jerked around by a 'collared sub' female who agreed to another being in a relationship with her husband (Theoretically the Dominant), and by association her, in a non-casual way; it was negotiated way in advance of my entering the picture and talked about again and again and again to placate her.  Her dishonesty, insecurity, and malice manifested in all sorts of acting out and relational sabotage.  His unwillingness to put his foot down allowed this to continue despite our bending to her whims and oft-changing demands/edicts, following her 'rules' to the letter.  This went on for the better portion of a year.  The theoretical Dominant went far beyond relational pragmatism to downright bowing down and emasculation, imo, and I, as a person giving people the benefit of the doubt, being committed to what we'd worked for and agreed to, and trusting his Dominance was not protected, got mistreated, my time wasted (I don't consider it all wasted time), my physical health potentially damaged, my emotional state yanked hither and yon, and a rather beautiful friendship lies in tatters along with a great natural dynamic thrown away by someone who I care for very deeply and who said he cares for me very deeply to placate a control-freak sporting a collar.  < deep breath > 
I hope that what I shared conveys the hurt, anger, confusion, pain, etc. that I felt/feel and that can manifest when people mess with the lives of others and do not accept responsibility for/do not care about the consequences of their actions or (Failure to keep) commitments.  So, again, if you made a commitment, keep it.  And, if another gets involved, try to think of them as a human being; I certainly wasn't afforded that in many instances in the circumstance I described. 
Davan 

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 10/28/2008 9:01:12 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/28/2008 8:42:28 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Sailing Bum may not say it gently but he's said something that strikes me as valid over and over again on this thread. 

100% agreement with Nihilus Zero when he said this: 
It is a dishonor, though. And, in a relationship where honoring the one you're with and holding up to the vows you made (which, unless more information surfaces as I read more through the thread, included the awareness of the inclusion of a sister), violating those vows because you didn't put enough forethought into what it would take to accept an M/s relationship (of all things!) is as close to sacrilege as you can get.

This is much the essence of what I just said in a more personal, gory fashion.  Thanks for your eloquence NZ; I think it's dead-on. 
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 10/28/2008 8:54:39 PM >

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RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/28/2008 9:36:55 PM   
RainydayNE


Posts: 978
Joined: 10/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

This is the same OP who agreed to try a threesome with three rules, wich included 'give up perfectly fair and equal balanced attention', 'don't cuddle the other girl' and 'wear a condom', all of which he broke.


yikes...

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/28/2008 10:00:18 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		quote:
ORIGINAL: tsatske
This is the same OP who agreed to try a threesome with three rules, wich included 'give up perfectly fair and equal balanced attention', 'don't cuddle the other girl' and 'wear a condom', all of which he broke.

RainyDayNE said: yikes...

My thoughts: I've been involved in several threesomes.  Not bragging, just sayin' I speak from experience. 
The idea of "perfectly fair and equal balanced attention"is ludicrous; focusing on something like that is a great recipe for ruining a good time.  Now, negotiating a dynamic involving everyone, not ignoring anyone, etc., speaks to a much greater pragmatism and maturity.  It's even more fun to have no limits, no restrictions, and just a fabulous f*ckin' good time! 
"Not cuddling with the other girl".  What's this rule about?  Jealousy?  Insecurity?  If it's a matter of fearing 'girl cooties', I'm afraid the legitimacy of that argument flew out the window when everyone hopped into bed together.  Let's be blunt: they're all in bed together.  Body parts are going in and out of bodies.  It's covetous to insist on no cuddlling and, again, I have to wonder at this other who is to be left in the cold; cuddling means more to some than others.  Frankly, I am surprised there wasn't a no kissing edict to go along with this. 
"Wear a condom". That's pretty straight-forward and I generally err on the side of safety.  Based on this thread and the afore-mentioned rules, one must wonder, at this one too.  Not sure if it was a closed dynamic, if folks had been tested for std's and had birth control handled.  Again, gonna err onthe side of benefit of doubt here but am still skeptical. 

This all seems linked to the same immaturity and lack of forethought that the start of this thread suggests. 
Not trying to string you up, OP, really not but, again, this is the really real world and you're playing with others' lives too as is he.  Personal responsibility.  Honour.
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 10/28/2008 10:02:21 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/29/2008 4:05:24 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		<FR> The way the OP reads, she is NOT waiing for the relationship to become secure, she is not showing she is willing to do what she agreed too, what she is doing is trying to have her cake and eat it too because she joined a relationship thinking she will say yes yes yes at the beginning just to get what she wants and now is attempting to manipulate him and the situation because she figured she will change his mind.  To me, he is wise to do this now instead of giving her more time and energy to devote to figuring out how else to manipulate him into doing what she wants.  To me she has two choices, adjust to the situation she agreed too and accept he is putting into place what he stated he would and she agreed too, or leave.   

It honestly blows my mind the bias i see in some responses, if some guy came along and told a sub she would be his only one, and then once they were in the relationship decided to change his mind and attempted to manipulate her to have his cake and eat it too and change the plan,  he would be chewed up and spit out and whinged at for not honoring his statements to her, for not holding his end of the agreement, for LYING lol.  But it seems to me because its a poor little girl who decided to manipulate a situation she is in, and its the the guy who is the ass according to some. 

Everything i read from this OP is her whining because he wants to keep things on plan and she wants him to change because honestly from the way she writes, i don't believe she ever had any intention of going along with the plan but figured if she got to him, showed him what a great person she was, he wouldn't want to continue his plan because she would be all he wanted, and now that its not working out like that her pride is hurt and she decides its time to resort to whining publically so people feel sorry for poor little her and see him as the big bad man because hey maybe she can get more ammunition and show him what others think about what he is doing, maybe that will make him do as she wants.

As i said, from reading her posts, she never had any intention of following through with her agreement, but figured she could change his mind and i bet any money she is using the but if you love me statement to him to try and get her way.   I hope he remains firm and does as he plans.  Because i think waiting will only give her more chance to believe her manipulation works and she will use it throughout their relationship.

angel

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(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: This slaves struggle to share her position - 10/29/2008 4:52:34 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Him saying you would look to expand the relationship in the future is a far cry from you moving in and he immediately spending all his time chasing someone new. Tell him that this relationship is not yet secure enough for you to deal with a third. Ask him what's more important to him; having a strong relationship or chasing new nooky nightly. And don't listen to what he says, just judge him by what he does.

Basically he didn't tell you ahead of time that this would happen before your relationship was solid, because if he had been honest you would have passed. Instead, he knows this isn't working for you and he doesn't care how unhappy it is making you.

Is this really your ideal relationship? To be with someone who shows you how unimportant you are to him?
Why did you think all his previous relationships had failed? You have some hard choices ahead, to make the break and the sadness now or after you've wasted even more of your time on him.


Although I would not have established rules for a 3-some the fact that he agreed to stipulation,s regarding a 3-some and broke all of them would show me that He doesn't give a rats ass about me or the relationship. he just wants what he wants with no regard to her feelings. I wouldn't be secure in the relationship either if this had occurred. Matter of fact, it would erode my trust. He violated set up limits and boundaries. I would be on my way to kicking him to the curb.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 10/29/2008 4:53:13 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 60
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