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Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 10:54:02 AM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

This question is posed primarily for Dominants but certainly most everyone has considered the process of developing trust, so all opinions/comments are welcome:

I understand that because I'm new to this lifestyle, I still struggle with questions many have had to face. Is this normal? What is my motivation? What if I find myself in a relationship and discover D/s just isn't a fit?

Meeting and talking with other subs and doms in addition to devouring everything I can read hasn't helped with these basic questions. Only experience will tell.

Because of my apprehension and inherent shyness, my getting to know a Dominant is a very slow process. It takes weeks to months for me to move off CM onto regular e-mail, phone and a first meet. I give the impression that I'm not sincere, that I'm creating an uphill battle, even that I'm "playing hard to get". I'm sure that Dominants are thinking of me and those like me when they complain " Where are the REAL submissives?"

I know that behaving difficultly or playing hard to get isn't on my agenda. It's just that, for me, opening up to someone, letting them in, is often a slow and laborious process.
Because I'm shy I have more often than not jumped into vanilla relationships quickly because it was easier than going through the process of allowing someone to get to know the real me. I refuse to do that again. I want the trust, the openness, the honesty; I want someone to embrace the real me.

And so, realizing that this isn't "all about me", I ask:
Is expecting a Dominant to tolerate my pace unreasonable?
I have read that many expect a meet within a few weeks to determine if there is potential.
Do some of you prefer the slower process and why?

Thanks in advance for any and all answers.
Your input is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 10:58:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice
Is expecting a Dominant to tolerate my pace unreasonable?

Hmmm no. Expecting them to still want to DATE you is unreasonable.

You don't want to be with a dom who wants to take a long slow build up. That's reasonable. Trying to make a dom feel bad about NOT wanting that is unreasonable.

Same for you.

Eventually you will find someone who works well at the same pace as you do. That doesn't mean the other doms are wrong for working at a different pace as you do, and it doesn't mean you are wrong for working at a different pace as they do.

It just means you aren't compatible.

quote:

I have read that many expect a meet within a few weeks to determine if there is potential.
Do some of you prefer the slower process and why?

Nope I prefer meeting right off. My relationships are active and full. If I want you in my life, I'd prefer to start knowing that right off and knowing how things WILL be sooner rather than later. If our relationship is going to be an occasional date every 3 months, that's fine, as long as we both know that going in.

Dragging things on just leads to false expectations and wasted time.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 11:29:16 AM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

Once again LuckyAlbatross is right !

I would think the majority of “real doms” will quickly get offline after a reasonable amount of time in the online introduction stage and bring you to our real world at least for a face to face, chemistry has to take over from there.

As a "Real Dom” I would rather meet someone in person and then determine if there is a chance for a deeper relationship rather than to have my pants down around my ankles chatting or IMing to excess. I am sure there are instances or exceptions to the rule however, at least IMHO I’ll leave the online relationships and the cyber-play to the adolescence and the pretenders.

< Message edited by DelRey -- 12/13/2005 11:30:22 AM >

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 11:40:06 AM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

Del-ray,

How is it that you made the leap from time and trust to cyber play and pants down around the ankles?

I do, however, appreciate the time taken to comment on my post.

CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 11:42:21 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

i have a rythmn for moving from email to IM to phone; and i too want a face to face meeting relatively soon. i run into the opposite problem; Doms and Masters who seem genuinely interested in me but who will not arrange a fact to face meeting. i automatically think something's wrong -- probably that they are married. However, i did have one Dom tell me He stayed in IM for MONTHS because He feared women...what specifically He feared, He never told me.

i suppose a part of feeling connected to someone is that their pace for moving to offline is not completely out of sync with your own. i won't pass judgment on staying in email for months, except to say it's uncommon and you may lose the interest of a Dom or Master you really like by doing this. On the other hand, everyone needs to feel safe.

candystripper

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 11:48:55 AM

DelRey

Posts: 314
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

Del-ray,

How is it that you made the leap from time and trust to cyber play and pants down around the ankles?

I do, however, appreciate the time taken to comment on my post.

CT

You may have missed the part where I said, "get offline after a reasonable amount of time in the online introduction stage"

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 11:50:40 AM

Marquisd

Posts: 61
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Hello Crazytwice.

Thankfully we are all individuals. If we all fit into a nice little box, we'd all do the same thing and are with the same people all the time.

You have to do things at your pace and find someone that is going with you. Not one that runs ahead - not one that stays behind.

From reading your profile and your post it seems to me, that you (as we all once have) are trying to find your place in this community. Think of it as being a pendulum. You never stop in one place. What is a boundary today, may be a resting spot tomorrow.

Once you make compromises on your ideas and values you are giving up part of yourself. Now I venture to say - anyone that would give up part of someone elses persona to satisfy their own need for gratification is not worth a great deal of consideration. Set your parameters and stick with it.

Patience is a virtue of tranquility.

Good luck with your journey

cheers

Marquisd

_____________________________

Relationships develop at the speed of trust

"Official Sadist and Dom of the 2010 Winter Games"

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 12:34:29 PM

fldrkhorse

Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Patience really is a virtue. I chat alot online because I'm looking for the person that can hold my attention, not hold my xxxx. My opinion is impatience shows immaturity. Take your time to understand yourself and get to know your intended. By getting to know HIM you'll understand what HE's looking for and HIS expectations. It's my opinion impatience is why so many first meeting don't work, either one or both weren't ready.

_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 12:40:44 PM

oceangem

Posts: 360
Joined: 2/9/2004
From: Mission, BC. Canada
Status: offline

i believe in "what works for you", if the interest is there for both, then a meeting is arranged. It can end with a thanks for the coffee, see ya around or it can continue to a second coffee later that night.

Alot of long emails and im's before you do finally meet does give false impressions and sometimes wasted time.

respectfully, a sub's input

_____________________________

she gives a smile when the pain comes... the pain is gonna make everything alright.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 2:08:45 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

I agree (as usual) with LA. Obviously, if that's the pace you need to go at to feel comfortable, then that's what you need to do. Sooner or later, you will meet someone for whom that pace works perfectly.

I personally want to meet people, not "right away", but once there is a sense we are both real people and we're at the stage of wondering if there could be a relationship and whether it is merely friendship or the possibility of something more. That might mean 3 days or 3 weeks, depending on the conversations we have online.

The idea of corresponding for 3 months or longer without meeting someone seems an invitation to building castles on clouds -- there's so much about a person that cannot be conveyed in written or spoken words. You need to be in a room with them, see how they move, see how they treat a waitress, etc, to know if you're truly compatible. So yes, in that sense I immediately put into the "friend" category anyone I'm speaking to for longer than a month or so without meeting, not out of impatience or my demanding nature, but because it doesn't make sense to become emotionally invested in something when there are still so many vital unanswered questions.

The tone of your initial message also seems to be very hesitant, like you've been burned before and you're trying to protect yourself by prolonging meetings. I suspect doms you're talking to will sense this procrastination, and that's why they may start to feel that you are not "real" or only looking for an online relationship. Thus, you'll wind up attracting those who only want an online relationship, which will wind up being counterproductive if your goal is real life, but might work wonders for your emotional needs of acceptance. Nobody knows that but you.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 2:14:38 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crazytwice

This question is posed primarily for Dominants but certainly most everyone has considered the process of developing trust, so all opinions/comments are welcome:

when it comes to the process of developing trust... everyone's opinions can have validity, no matter their particular orientations or lifestyle.

quote:

I understand that because I'm new to this lifestyle, I still struggle with questions many have had to face. Is this normal? What is my motivation? What if I find myself in a relationship and discover D/s just isn't a fit?

Newness to this particular lifestyle is not a direct relationship to one struggling with the questions one face. In fact, more than a few people that have been around the lifestyle for many years struggle with these questions just as equally as one that is new. The amount of individuals that have drift from relationship to relationship is rather staggering at times. Often it is there own struggle to find answers to their questions. If it doesn't fit, then you will make different choices. But, prudent careful steps will minimize the possibility of these wrong choices... minmize! not eliminate, be prepared to make mistakes!

quote:

Meeting and talking with other subs and doms in addition to devouring everything I can read hasn't helped with these basic questions. Only experience will tell.

yup... sooner or later you have to jump in the pool... you can learn what you need to do out of the pool... but you realy don't know if you can swim until you actually get in the water. So... don't jump in the deep in step into the shallow end first... but do step in!... one small experience at a time... experiences build upon experiences.

quote:

Because of my apprehension and inherent shyness, my getting to know a Dominant is a very slow process. It takes weeks to months for me to move off CM onto regular e-mail, phone and a first meet. I give the impression that I'm not sincere, that I'm creating an uphill battle, even that I'm "playing hard to get". I'm sure that Dominants are thinking of me and those like me when they complain " Where are the REAL submissives?"

what others of no significance to you think are of little importance!... What you think of your self that is important! Take the opinions of others that work for you... leave the rest behind

quote:

I know that behaving difficultly or playing hard to get isn't on my agenda. It's just that, for me, opening up to someone, letting them in, is often a slow and laborious process.
Because I'm shy I have more often than not jumped into vanilla relationships quickly because it was easier than going through the process of allowing someone to get to know the real me. I refuse to do that again. I want the trust, the openness, the honesty; I want someone to embrace the real me.

I believe what you want is nothing exceptional unique or different than anyone else. At it's core, I believe that we all wish to be embraced for who we are. But being who we are and opening that up to another person is always a challenge. It is not just about another person earning our trust to be open... but about us having the courage to take the risk in the first place. We each have varying degrees of risk we are willing to take, but risk we must take to be in a relationship. It takes two individuals to make a single relationship work, but it only one of us to call an end to that relationship. This is the inhert risk of relationships, the rewards are immense, but so can the risks. Many speak of communication as being a corner stone to relationship building, but communicate about what? I strongly believe one needs to have the virtous strengths of character that will manifest themselves into demonstrated behaviors to enable oneself to enjoy and grow a rewarding relationship. It is our strength of character that allows us to be the real to ourselves and others. If we don't have this foundation, then we are a like a house without a foundation. The first strong wind will just come a blow the house apart, no amount of talk will build a relationship unless it is first rooted in strength of character. Communication allows this substance to be revealed, shared and finally enjoyed.

quote:

And so, realizing that this isn't "all about me", I ask:
Is expecting a Dominant to tolerate my pace unreasonable?
I have read that many expect a meet within a few weeks to determine if there is potential.
Do some of you prefer the slower process and why?

The pace that one goes at is a subjective one as well as unique for each individual. I don't believe it unreasonable for anyone to tolerate anothers pace. But if the pace is not at least similiar to greater degree, the two individuals would be better off going their seperate ways.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 2:27:45 PM

KOMA

Posts: 7
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline

each person is unique in their situation. Your is what it is and as long as you and the Tops you are communicating with are up front about it then everyone knows what they are getting into and what to expect.

Sometimes I want to get directly to the point, connect or not and meet ...other times I need time due to my own internal place that I am in and being emotionally available or just not wanting to invest the energy required with certain individuals.

If you have trust issues then do what you need to so you can work through them.

When your ready, the master will appear

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 2:34:24 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

The faster the better. Meet, don't get burned by on line BS and then you will know if you are compatible or not? Yes, fast is good, but not in bed....fastlane becomes slow lane there...You likey?

(in reply to KOMA)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 5:13:55 PM

daredevil865

Posts: 130
Joined: 11/9/2005
Status: offline

Ask ten people what is a reasonable pace and you will ten different ideas...having rushed before and been burned I tend to take things slow.....other wish to move quicker.....there is no right or wrong answer just what works for you...

be honest with yourself and others at the start and you will find someone who pace matches yours...

DareDevil

_____________________________

DareDevil

A true Master exhibits honor, integrity, honesty, self discipline, personal responsibility and caring for his property.

If I had to explain it...you wouldn't understand

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 5:20:12 PM

Crazytwice

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline

All great answers. Thank you very much

CT

_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to daredevil865)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 6:11:48 PM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline

I think the worst mistake one can make is to betray their own sense of "rightness". There will come a time when someone inspires you to make a genuine attempt to connect. When that time comes, take the chance. Until then, trust your own judgement but recognize that, for now, you ~are~ the master of your own fate. Make yourself too inaccessible and you risk denying yourself the opportunity to find fulfilment or disappointment. It is a two-edged sword. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but nothing ventured and you're assured lost opportunities.
Timothy

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 16

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 6:40:09 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DelRey

I would think the majority of “real doms” will quickly get offline after a reasonable amount of time in the online introduction stage and bring you to our real world at least for a face to face, chemistry has to take over from there.

As a "Real Dom” I would rather meet someone in person and then determine if there is a chance for a deeper relationship rather than to have my pants down around my ankles chatting or IMing to excess. I am sure there are instances or exceptions to the rule however, at least IMHO I’ll leave the online relationships and the cyber-play to the adolescence and the pretenders.

DelRey,

I have two questions, what is a "real dom" and what is a "reasonable amount of time"?

What is real to you may be fake to another and what is reasonable to me may be unreasonable for someone else. Just because my Lord and I spent six months chatting, emailing and talking on the phone did not make him or I any less real or less committed in our desire to get to know each other and then meet face to face. Nor was there any "cyber-play" involved just because we were on-line chatting. Talking with someone on-line does not make you an adolescent or a pretender.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 17

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/13/2005 8:52:06 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

I know that each person has their own ways of doing things and slower may be better for some but please remember that most Dominants tend to be less patient than the Subs.

When I'm interested in a lady I am willing to answer questions on-line for her and send pictures. I even like to discuss our mutual wants and needs but then I want to meet her and see if she's really someone I want to be with. It doesn't have to be a D's meeting. In fact I prefer a vanilla meeting at a nice restaurant or quiet club where we can talk and relax and get to know each other. If she's not up for a public meeting then I start getting suspicious of her and will probably just drop the whole thing and move on. I understand shy but there is a limit to how long I'll wait for a face-to-face meeting.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 18

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/14/2005 3:16:03 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Your pace is perfectly fine as long as the other knows that from virtually the outset. I'm one who looks for a relationship moreso than just some "fun" and if I'm corresponding with a fem/sub who's fun and interesting to talk to, I don't mind if it's a little drawn out getting from A to B.... But that's just *me* and you should expect most doms to be in a rush to have you all kneeling and obedient, regardless of whether they've bothered to earn such rights.

D/s is about an unequal control dynamic and generally Doms expect things done their way - as it should be! But I only adopt that attitude *after* I've earnt the right of ownership and until I have, I'll either go at my pace (regardless if she wants more sooner) or slower if she needs more time to develop the required trust.

D/s doesn't work without trust and if you're one who needs time to develop the required level, you shouldn't compromise.... But inevitably the impatient and immature are bound to accuse you of not being submissive or of actually seeking to control any relationship and you need to be able to deal with that. Personally, such an accusation is a blessing in disguise as it saves you wasting more time and energy on each other. The one who's right for you will understand but be aware that the field of choice for you becomes diminished as a consequence. But as I've said previously myself, I only want *one*....

Focus.

(in reply to Crazytwice)

Post #: 19

RE: Seeking Doms' input... - 12/14/2005 3:46:22 AM

lovingmaster45

Posts: 261
Joined: 9/16/2004
Status: offline

quote:

at least IMHO I’ll leave the online relationships and the cyber-play to the adolescence and the pretenders.

Amen. I would put up with you for about 3 emails. An old country expression pretty much sums it up;
"Shit or get off the pot."

_____________________________

Master Jerry

(in reply to DelRey)

Post #: 20

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